Why Can't I Cry?

[HealingWillow]

**Trigger warning. Mentions of self harm and abuse**

I grew up with my father drilling in my head that crying is a symbol of weakness. Rather I fell and got hurt physically, or I was just having a horrible day at school, it was all the same. Crying was bad, and you would get punished for it rather you shed a single tear or a full blown melt down.

When I was younger I would train myself not to cry. I trained my body to know where and when was ok to cry. Which was almost never. I turned to cutting and bruising myself as an alternative, but that's another story on its own.

However now that I'm 22 and living on my own, my body is still trained to not cry. I know crying makes people get emotions out and feel better after the fact. But my body will not allow it. When I get hurt physically my body will react by throwing up, not crying. When I'm hurt emotionally, there's nothing. I want to cry so badly. I've gotten to the point where I can shed a few tears, or cry for 5 minutes tops.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can un-train myself? Or any alternatives to crying?

Thank you, stay safe.

[Silentrider60]

Hi Stormy Willow

I too had a father that believed the same way on the crying, and punishment if we need. To my father had a hang up on weakness by crying and he was very much an Narcissist on top of it. Since i was younger age 5 yrs. And out of diapers, he started hitting on me and when I got older I stood up to him and never bowed down to his level, he always told me if I couldnt handle his abuse to me, no man would have me for his wife, and not being good enough and I will die alone. When he would tell me these things my heart sank, and I cuz him like the dog . And treated him like shit until the he died in 2010, after his death, my emotions was abuse from him my body was shaking for 2 years. His words are still on my head, and it has made me have a hard time loving my boyfriend now and when we fight I don't see my boyfriend I see my all over again. I never got help for my PTSD from my father and he always hit me from behind me . Since you moved out on your own, you can cry anytime you want and your can't say anything to you anymore. And my therapist is my God He has always been there for me and I am blessed to have Him as my heavenly father and I am glad He is in my life. And I hope that God will come in your life and help with your problems. Janet

@

[HealingWillow in reply to Silentrider60]

I can relate to the dog thing. Growing up I never saw myself as his daughter, but as his dog. His belonging so to speak.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi StormyWillow,

Welcome to our community.

It's a defense mechanism when we are in danger to not show emotions, to protect ourselves.

I have experienced the feeling of needing to cry but not being able to. Like you, I went through abuse in childhood and tears were a sign of weakness.

In my experience I need to feel safe first in order to cry. When it feels like I've gone through the worst, I can relax a little bit the tears come.

Being mindful and allowing your emotions without judging can help you recognize them and let them out.

Have you tried counseling/therapy where you can feel safe?

Allowing yourself to come in touch with your inner self can be tricky and there are layers of protection built around that vulnerable part which took years to develop. It can take time to feel safe again or even feel safe maybe for the first time, in adulthood.

I don't know if I ever actually felt safe in childhood, I did not know that feeling and it felt strange to experience it in my 20s.

[HealingWillow in reply to Nathalie99]

I do have a therapist, and he is an amazing person. He rarely sees me cry, and when he does it's never for long. Unfortunately we haven't made any progress on that subject, but hopefully we will soon.

[peacefulandcalm Encourager]

hi StormyWillow, what a beautiful image, your name here.

I just typed a long response that got erased by mistake. Will have to come back. Briefly, I think you said it, you were trained not to cry...we were trained not to do things....for me, they are other things...so we are so terrified, we don't do them...

I think with safe people and help, we can unlearn and relearn... could be a good a safe therapist after a while, you completely trust...?

I need to go rest...

I have other things I cannot do due to terror still....I get it.

I cry a lot since that was not trained into me to be too terrified to do...for me, it is so many other things...we are trained is all, so long ago.. I think we can work on it slowly with safe people...?

one other thought, have you tried hypnotherapy? I know they can work on such issue and quickly if your subconscious will allow it...I think?

I relate to your post so much..

sending love and a hug <3 xx

[HealingWillow in reply to peacefulandcalm]

I'm sorry your post got erased, I hate when that happens.I do have a therapist, but unfortunately not being able to cry is on the bottom of a long list. But it's on there! 😅

I was looking into hypnotism a slight bit before Covid-19 hit, and haven't circled back to it yet. I'm worried that with me having multiple personalities and if that would make it harder to be fix anything.

I needed that hug, sending some back. <3