Numb

[Sky_clouds]

I have had enough of you. Do what you want to. I will retaliate 2x times what you do to me.

this is a text that I should have sent him, but I never could. he did.

I cannot find words to describe how abusive he has been for my life.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

You are a better person, Sky_clouds

Sometimes being a better person means not retaliating.

When the justice comes, I actually don't feel as good as I thought it would make me feel. It's strange.

I think having capacity to hurt someone even more than they did us can mean we are not helpless.

But I wonder if just standing up for ourselves, telling the truth in such a way that it isn't a direct attack but instead how you feel, may actually hurt him more.

I noticed when people say swear words in aggressive way, it hurts less than saying honestly what their behaviour says about their character as a person.

All I did was to tell the truth. Truth hurts the abusers more than anything else...

That's only my little bit based on some personal experiences.

Writing a letter/email and not sending it might help express the emotions and let it out...you could burn it or choose whatever you want to do with that letter. Sometimes just expressing those emotions is healing...

[Sky_clouds in reply to Nathalie99]

This makes sense Nathalie. However, I did retaliate in some way. I was affected because of being treated badly ( or as he says 'thinking' that I was treated badly). I feel bad about it but it is now that I am calm and can think. When it happened, I was enraged and feeling a lot which I cannot describe. Nathalie, in my experience with him, what angered me the most was that I tried infinitely to explain what I felt, what his behaviour did to me and how it was not right, but all I got back was how I am stuck, how I want to be right. He would say 'i am sorry but there were reasons for it'. Everything that happened on this end or by his family had this clause of having had reasons. He blamed me for not understanding him, not accommodating his circumstances and the like. Idk Nathalie if that was the case. I regret it if it was but I always tried to talk and explain, but it was never heard although his version had it that he tried to comfort me for a year but I rather than 'wrapping things' stretched them. No reasons were admissible in what I did 'my reactions were inappropriate' I was told, 'in spite of what had happened'.

I used to tell the truth of how things were, how I felt and I admit I indulged in direct attacks too. It made him defensive, but what could have I done. It was as if I had to stay quiet and get along with everything that happens or get out.

[Sky_clouds in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you for your response.

[SavingGrace Administrator]

I'm so sorry Sky_clouds. Partners like this who can be so emotionally abusive and have lasting effects on our wellbeing, are just swines and not worthy of any consideration. Sadly, their impact occurs upon us before we have time to recognise the red flags and put up appropriate barriers. Perhaps, like I was, you are a very trusting person by nature and so were shocked to be treated in such a manner?

It has taken me a long, long time to reorganise myself and my emotions following such a similar encounter. It's worth the time to take to ensure we put ourselves back together again though

I've held out knowing that I am a better person. At every point where I was tested again, I tried to recall the earlier damage and to therefore ensure I was not falling into predatory danger again. My ex-partner knew everything I knew about my condition - which at that time was not complete. Yet his own naivety and judgement ultimately failed. That is his failure, not mine. Mine, was for loving too much, being too open. Whatever he called me [ignorant cunt, stupid, etc] does not apply to me - because I know myself better than he ever assumed to know my life.

Trying to let go of that anger is hard. But you are a conquerer of your own emotions and spirit. Releasing the sense of disloyalty or betrayal is key to then beginning to regain a sense of renewed spirit.

Just remember - it was their actions, not yours, that brought this situation to such anger.

Others have before tried to condemn or bring me down for my anger, but I've always had it under control. It was merely their lack of expansive vision that didn't allow them to see the place that anger had in my life. They wanted to pin me on the cross for it. Suckers.

Deep respect for you and blessings. Sending hugs and love.

[Sky_clouds in reply to SavingGrace]

Hello Saving Grace, thank you. If it is okay, can I text you and talk to you about it. I am not sure if I will text you as I am in a state where I don't know what I may do next and I can surely not say anything for sure about myself. I am sorry if I am putting you in a difficult position. IF IT DOES NOT AFFECT YOUR WELL BEING, is it okay with you to talk about it with me (not s I will talk) I feel it will help me.

Thanks a lot.