will it ever stop

[PainPain1]

I lost my sister to cancer Oct 2014 then Nov 2014 my mom killed herself. in Sept 2014 I was in a horrible car accident and was pregnant. baby is fine now but I had to deal with all the pain from my accident and losing my mom and sister... now I hurt body mind and soul. my husband doesn't get it. ive self medicated and id rather feel Numb then feel all my pain. now theres a chance hes going to kick me out and I wont be able to see my kids... that just makes shit worse.... I just want to feel whole and with none of this pain... ive thought about killing myself to end it all but cant because of my kids... I'm so lost.

[willingtoheal Volunteer]

I'm so sorry for the pain and loss that you have suffered. Is there someone you can call right now. A therapist, someone close to you that can help you through what you are going through? I'm glad you told us what is going on. Call someone right now that you can reach out to. A professional that can help you. Pain sucks. It feels awful but like you said you have children and they need you. I know it's really easy to do the spiral but stop, breathe, write in a journal, watch a movie, find your path. I hope that you can have a conversation with your husband and communicate with him how you feel. I hope he can reach out to you and you can reach out to him. I hope you can find your inner peace. Take care.

[PainPain1 in reply to willingtoheal]

thank you.... Ive tried talking with my husband. I'm not aloud to cry over my loss..... ive talked with ppl but it doesn't help. ive been on meds they don't help ive even be baker acted..... nothing has help me. I don't have closer with my mom... a lot was said about me when my sister was sick with cancer and before she died and then I never got to talk to my mom about anything she avoided me... My husband tells me I'm not special I'm worthless and my kids deserve better... so that doesn't help either. I have no where else to go.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi and welcome to the community.

The pain of loss of the loved ones doesn't completely go away but it lessens over time. The grief can be so intense that can cause a serious distress.

In your situation it's more difficult because of too many losses and a car accident in a very short time.

At times it feels like the pain will never stop but it does get better...I have been there...I know intense grief and that feeling of "it will not stop", yet it does.

Usually time heals wounds but in case of ptsd it's not enough.

You can really get better and be there for your kids. But it's important that you take a step to get a professional help, a therapy and/or support group.

It is a very tough step to do but it's so worth it. You and your children deserve it.

Have you tried to find a councillor already?

I understand that at times you experience suicidal thoughts. If it gets to this point, please try to call crisis hotlines and to seek professional help in the real world. There is a list of hotlines in the pinned posts section.

I share the link below as well:

healthunlocked.com/healmypt...

What you feel at that moment of overwhelm, is temporary, and it will pass...trust me it will and you will feel better. But you need to seek professional help asap so that a qualified medical professional can find the best way to help you and your quality of life. Your family will be grateful.

We will do our best to support you through it in this community.

Warmly,

Nathalie

[Terrifiedbravery]

You are in the right place because all you need to know is that you are not alone and all that you fear to lose does NOT have to be your reality. Use this and us. There are people, that you can touch and see, right near you.. To get you out of this way of thinking and feeling.

[Midori]

By telling you you are not special, worthless and your kids deserve better, your husband is abusing you mentally; something you really don't need right now. He should be reminded of his marriage vows.

I can understand that he is probably also under pressure supporting you all, but there should be no excuse for abusive behaviour.

Is there a Shelter in your area for spousal abuse? it might be worth telephoning them and asking for advice. It may also be worth making an exit plan, in case you need to escape, preferably with the children. A small bag with essentials for a couple of days may be enough. Keep it somewhere handy but hidden.

I'm a former abuse survivor myself, I've had to use Shelters with my children. There is a great deal of help, advice and support available, you just need to make your mind up to change the situation.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

You are definitely not alone...!

We are here for you.

[PNIAuthor60 Major Contributor]

I hear and recognize a woman who is overwhelmed with traumatic grief and as everyone else has suggested, you need therapeutic support. The losses of your mother and sister and the circumstances you speak of need to be sorted through and grieved. The accident has further complicated the issues you were already struggling with and although self medication dulls the pain, in the long run it makes the whole mess, worse. Grief is a process and can sometimes be difficult but it needs to be done - you are worth the investment of time and counseling to be well and healthy for your children.

Like most family members, you husband does not understand the choice to self-medicate and though he does appear to be verbal abusive, perhaps at times he is left feeling like a single parent and parenting your children alone while you are numb. Still, abuse is never ok in any circumstances - posting how you feel is part of the process called "mourning" moving the feelings out of your body, mind and spirit and giving them a voice.

It takes courage to be transparent and you have done that in this post. I hope you will continue to post your journey here - this is a wonderful, supportive community. I was once told by a trauma counselor, "If you can identify that you feel lost, you are probably not lost - you are overwhelmed by circumstances." Do whatever it takes to reach out and find the help that you need - you owe it to yourself, your husband and your children. I am adding you to my prayer list.

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor]

I can't tell you how sorry I am for all of your tragic loss. My mom died of cancer then my brother killed himself 6yrs after my mom died. I was beyond devastated and there is no way to describe the depth of that kind of pain.

It deeply saddens me to hear not only are you not receiving support from your husband but that he actually sounds verbally abusive.

I can tell you I've been at the depths of despair and stayed there for long periods of time but have and do still come out of it to enjoy the small pleasures of life.

I can't imagine having to care for your children when you're feeling so wounded but it can also provide the purpose necessary to go on. As you mentioned, having been the survivor of a loved ones suicide is a fate no one should ever have to go through.

I hope each day brings enough light to evoke and continue hope in you. The mental health field can be woefully inadequate but there are some amazing therapists out there. I was lucky enough to find one. I hope you continue to be open to finding one.

I hope you find solace and support in this community as many others of us do. Just knowing there are other people out there who have been hurt so deeply and suffer but somehow find the courage to face each new day with some sliver of hope helps me and gives me strength. Also knowing there are people so caring and understanding is the best medicine.

We hope you continue to reach out and share with us in our community.