I feel so very lost more often than not lately.

[mendale]

I may not make much sense here but if anyone does understand what Im going to try and say, I will appreciate any suggestions and comments. I was told a couple of years ago I have severe PTSD and  I thought I would be able to work through it with time. I dont deny I have it but at the same time I just try to think its just something in my mind and will go away eventually. But now I start to think maybe it will be my mind that might be what goes away eventually. Today I was watching my grandson play his 1st footy game and all was good until I could feel myself start to feel umm agitated for no reason then I started to sweat a little and though I dont realize Im doing it, I start scratching my hands or the side of my face until I start to bleed, I feel like umm I shouldnt be there but I know I have to, I try and act as if nothing is wrong because I have no idea why it happens, I walked up to my car and had to take some deep breaths to try and calm my thoughts, I no I must be obvious enough because my adult kids and my Mum dont say anything but I know they all are watching incase umm I dont really know I guess incase I breakdown or get worse or I might want to talk. I dont talk to them about it at the time its happening because I dont really know why or how I feel or wot sets it of. I have to move so there is space between me and others and that no-one is behind me even at a distance, I have had the same sort of thing quite a few times but its been at a shop or at a friends and I just leave. Does anybody understand or ever felt the same sort of thing? Or is it just me being stupid? I have changed so much since my son was murdered that when I look in a mirror I can see me, but the reflection of me looking in isnt me, I do try and avoid mirrors or walking past glass where your reflection can be seen because it doesnt make any sense. Please tell me if I have made any sort of sense at all. I need to know is this how its meant to be now. Thank you for reading and Im sorry if I havent made any sense to you all..  

[gendarme12]

You are DEF NOT stupid...or crazy...or out of your mind. PTSD is real, & what would it hurt to get help for it? Grief is awful. I'm not sure what else to say except that I wouldn't want you to deny yourself help for an awful, awful tradegy, bc you think time will make things better. What I am learning is that when trauma happens, parts of the brain are affected. BC of this, our reactions to different stimuli can sometimes be skewed. The good news is, our brains are very pliable and we can learn new ways of dealing with those awful memories. Don't give up. This is a safe place to explore, vent and see what works for you. Blessings to you. 

[Hidden]

mendale: PTSD is a physical thing that happens in the brain. it is actually a brain injury. The amygdala and other parts of the brain physically change. Stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol flood through and become over active. This is why telling people to "get over it" or "just stop" don't work.Your brain and body are constantly emitting danger signals even though intellectually you know there is no danger. Your body changes too. Your nervous system and the "second brain" in your gut are all overacting.

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor]

Can totally relate and what you say makes sense to me.  I can quickly become agitated and irritable on a dime, seemingly for no reason.  

I've always battled skin issues and have recently broken out in  eczema (I think) patches in different places on my body and I  scratch them open till I bleed.  I just scratch really hard. Then it becomes quite painful. 

It's like since I'm figuratively uncomfortable in my own skin that my body makes it so I'm literally uncomfortable in my own skin as well.

 It's like I want to scratch myself away almost or scratch through myself sometimes.  It's much worse when I'm severely triggered, worried, scared and stressed.  

I also can't stand having people stand too closely but especially behind me.  I've felt like I was so close to major confrontations several times.  It's terrible to walk around with this shit.  

I always avoid catching my reflection in wndows as well.  I ride a public train to work everyday and cannot stand when it's packed with people and there's no where for me to look except at my own reflection in the window.  It totally wigs me out.  I'm baffled by others' ability to just calmly see or even stare at their own reflection. 

Sometimes when I look in the mirror I feel unsure...sometimes I feel like I'm someone else inside and what I'm looking at is some odd shell.  Hard to explain.  

Please know you're not alone. I'm so sorry for your traumatic loss. 

God bless

GemD  

[amandab1972]

I'm just letting all you amazing people on this forum know that I'm thinking of you all and I'm learning so much from you all. I too live with PTSD and I truly understand what you are all saying and feeling. I'm sending lots of peace,strength and calm your way. I'm so thankful that I found this site as I've felt so alone with this extremely debilitating PTSD. Now I know that you are all out there, I feel less alone and different. Please take care, we are all here for each other x Amanda x