when I need to

[peacefulandcalm]

ask my father for help, I begin to take on some of his thoughts and beliefs somehow.

His words cut to my core.

The terror starts, the self loathing. Seems I have to fight with all my soul and God's help, friends help to stay in the light, in hope, in love. And then bring somehow love to me and to him through God. It is exhausting and that is an understatement.

I need so much support. I have to use so much energy to stay positive and with love and joy and light inside at this time when I need his help and need to ask. It can get very dark (my thoughts, feelings) , dissociation, before I break through to the light again and somehow find hope and faith again, and bring it to him too.

I am very tired.

[IChoose]

I get that way. I avoid as much as i can whoever brings that out in me. Not always possible. Forgive yourself

Maybe you're asking too much of yourself in a toxic relationship with a toxic person who cannot change. Of course, we internalize identities of abusers, and of course we can stop and choose our own identity instead. Of course, we don't have to stay split, fragmented and dissociated for the rest of our lives. Just know that, even though the pain of the anxiety feels unbearable. You are strong enough - in fact - you're stronger than your symptoms, and 1000x stronger than the abuser(s).