As I recover from ptsd I find sometimes I forget I have it. I will have days now where I get no triggers, no crazy head racing, panic attacks, I can carry a conversation with people without checking out, I will feel so calm that my neck won't even tick.
Yesterday I went to get a new tire for my road bike not thinking that it was going to be busy for Canada Day. I usually have strategies in place when I go into crowds (ex, bring music, go when it's quiet etc.) but yesterday I just jumped in. Wow, within minutes of getting into the store I could feel that heat feeling rushing over my body starting from my head right down to my finger tips. Then the noise, the volume was turned up quickly, I started getting panicked, as I looked thru the tires, only to see they didn't have any left so I got out of there quickly but was struggling with the devil on my shoulder.
Mr Negative reared its ugly head, inside voice "come on Kyla, geeze its just one thing you have to get, just do it." So I got back to my truck, drove around looking for this darn tire, I figured I'll go to another store to see if I can find it. I can feel my head ticking, my sweating is over the top now, my hands are shaking. (Stubborn, negativeness inner voice barking at me), I still go though to another store and grab the first one I see, buy it and race home. It took me getting home to realize I grabbed the wrong one. However by this point it didn't matter, I was so trigger I couldn't go back out. Nausea had kicked in now, and I wasn't able to talk very well. When I did finally calm down I could see so clearly all the things that were triggering me which is huge. Last year at this time I would of thought I was this big loser and I was screwed in the head. This time I took all my tools I've learned thru therapy, and was able to calm myself enough to get my speech back. Victory!!
What did I learn from this experience? Well let me tell you,
1) No need to beat myself up over it, instead remember self love and that I will always be improving
2) Crowds still make me panic
3) I can now recognize what is a trigger/ptsd verses what I use to think, that I was a bad person.
4) The big one, holy sh*t have I ever come far in this recovery and to be gentle with myself.