venting...

[itsmytime]

I am writing just to vent... my nephew who was like a brother to me. We grew up together from when he was born on and off to 4. Then from 4 and up permanently till 14. Now he is 19 and it's like he tells me one thing and does another. Constantly getting my hopes up. I am 9 years older than him I thought we were really close but ever since he had moved away 5 years ago it has been like no contact but if he wants something from me or my parents. It hurts my feelings ... I reach out but he doesn't answer back. I am afraid he is into something bad. idk... just sucks.

[AnyaC]

(((hugs)))))

[itsmytime in reply to AnyaC]

Thanks

[maggymax]

It has been the hardest life lesson I have had to learn: you cannot control someone else or their actions. No matter how close you are to them or how much you love them. If it were me, the next time he contacts you because he "needs" something, I would let your nephew know how much you love him, how much you miss him, tell him you are concerned about him but that his behaviour is unacceptable and then work on letting him go. Otherwise you will drag yourself down, too. I know this sounds impossible so I don't take it lightly. We are all on our own path and handling and processing disappointment in loved ones is a hard fact. Let him know you are there for him if he needs your support but not your money or things. And you are right… it just sucks. Thanks for venting here. Keep your boundaries strong for both of you.

[itsmytime in reply to maggymax]

thank you for your response... I feel like most of my life has been about helping others. To the point I ran my self into the ground... I look around and the only one's left who truely are there for me are my parents. I feel like i get used and thrown to the side. I personally cannot do that to someone. I don't find myself a victim of that just feel hurt that after all that i've done to help others only 2 left by my side. I am very blessed for that cause many don't have even that. I think I am ready to just move past all of this but i know when I do there will be no going back. I put my life on hold to help others when I was sick as well. I still want to continue helping my nephew but not at the expense of my happiness. I have put a lot of peoples feelings and needs before my own. I don't regret doing this but now it's my time to shine. I want to feel good and have feel good people around me who care. Feel good people who care and care about me as well. I'm tired of living this life that is repetitive and unsatisfactory. I am ready to take all the next steps towards my happiness. Hopefully that will cause a chain reaction of positivity if not I know I just have to keep moving on.

[AnyaC in reply to itsmytime]

Maggymax is right... setting those boundaries is very hard with users. It's called Tough Love. I've had to employ it with two of my sons. They didn't want anything to do with us except what they could get out of us - money in particular. My middle son was a manipulator - the sociopath, and my eldest son was entitled and thought he deserved whatever he wanted. It was soooo hard to cut them off, but we honestly didn't have the financial ability to keep doling out to them, and we didn't approve of their lifestyles, so refused to sponsor them. It broke my heart, but it was the only way to have any kind of normal life for the rest of us. It brought a feeling of control, and a freedom from the stress.

Keep moving forward, taking care of yourself and striving for that happiness you deserve! <3

[itsmytime in reply to AnyaC]

Thank you! I really just want to be happy and him be happy too. I just have to accept he is a man now not a little boy. He called me just the other day while I was driving so I texted him back after. He texted me he was at the gym and would call me back. It's been 3 days no call back. I am over it and am moving forward with me. I need the freedom from the stress as well. Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. It helps me to realize I am doing the right thing and I'm not alone in feeling like this.

[AnyaC in reply to itsmytime]

You are definitely NOT alone! Unfortunately, there are lots of us parents that deal with this. With my two sons, they are part of the PTSD I deal with. One, the oldest, is reconciling with me. So far, it's wonderful, but it's still hard because his lifestyle and beliefs are not what I would have chosen for him. But, he loves his mama, and right now, at our ages, it's what's important. He'll be 42 in August! It's about time, huh? My other son was the one who was murdered. Raising a sociopath is a huge part of the PTSD, and his murder was the icing on the cake.

I've had to learn that each of us, even as children, have the ability to make our own choices. Good or bad, they bring consequences. It's dealing with those consequences that can be so hard, and for many of us with PTSD, it's dealing with the consequences from others' choices. Yuck! That's when it gets really tough. But, we're survivors. We'll get there, eventually, one step at a time.

[itsmytime in reply to AnyaC]

I am so sorry to hear about your son. My sister died last november at 38 . She refused to take any medicine for any of her issues. Mental or physical with her diabetes and high blood pressure. She just had kids ( my nephews ) and made her problems worse. My parents and I would do everything to try to help her but she just used us. Her 3 kids left to deal with all of this. That is why I worry about my nephew but she was never really apart of his life since he lived with me and my parents. She used to do really mean things to me my whole life for no reason. I never understood why. Sometimes I see my nephew being that way ever since he hit puberty and I worry. He is 19 now and living with his father so I get no say. It just doesn't feel fair. I just know I have to feel better so that I can be there for my nephews if they ever do need me. Also for myself so I can start my life. I start tms soon so hopefully that will help. Thanks again for the reaching out.

[AnyaC in reply to itsmytime]

I'm here, and I understand. Thanks... life is seldom fair, but it's usually survivable. That's my goal.. if I can survive the next trauma, or then next trigger, I'm doing well.

I hope the tms helps.... have you ever heard of Antisocial Personality Disorder? It's the technical name for sociopathy... it's possible your sister had it. She sounds very similar to my Aaron. I'm so sorry for her loss.. no matter what, the loss always seems to hurt.

Hang in there! I'm here if you want to talk... we can go into a private chat here if you want to.

<3