Hey friends
I am really feeling a lot of despair. Feeling hopless. I am struggling with a " unconscious. addiction to self sabotoge" . It's pretty scary. A lot og risks involved. It's like I have " no brakes" . It's easy to give in to suicidal despair. So despondent. But I keep doing the same damnbthing over and over. After telling myself each time. I wont do that again. I do it again and again. Help. Feedback and encourgement is welcomed. Feeling a lot of shame like I don't belong.
Wilderness scout,
I hear you loud and clear! I find myself in the same situation . I wish I knew why we revert back to self sabotage. I'm sorry you are in this horrible state right now. Please try to look at the positives in your life, please? You are still here so YOU ARE A SURVIVOR ! I know the pain you feel. I don't know your circumstances but I want you to know that you matter, and I care. Please take care, and know that you have our support here!
Whirlwind
Thank you so much whirlwind to let me know that I do matter to someone and that I don't have to do this alone . Thank you friend for your compassion and non judegement of me and my condition. Thank you for helping me " feel part of " . I am bye myself and have no family but the people in these forums and friends in 12 step groups. Thank again dear one.
I relate to the position you are in and I feel the suffering in your posts. I don't have any support either. With self sabotaging, I have pushed all support away. Can you see a counselor during this rough time just to get you through? I really do care! I want you to know that you can message me anytime if you need to. I can sometimes carry extra hope that I can share with you! : ) Please remain strong and take care of yourself.
Whirlwind
Ok whirlwind I do appreciate you offering the hand of friendship. It does give a dim relief that someone understands me and our condition. Yes I see two professionals next wed and then next Thursday. In the meanwhile I have my daily 12 step groups and a telephone that I blow up calling other male friends in my groups. Please stay close dear one. Do I will know how to get back to you, so maybe we can help each other. You know what I mean?
Absolutely we can do that. Sometimes it's hard for me to post due to low self esteem issues and social issues but I am here and will always respond!
Whirlwind
Xxx
Ok friend let's take one day at a time.
How can we keep up with each other
We can message here if you want
Hello, I am sorry you are going through a hard time. Please know that sometimes we do things that don't make sense to "cope". For example I used to constrict my food. Why? I had this idea that I could control "something". One day I realized I cared more about my pets and backyard birds eating more than myself and I said what am I doing here? I realized later that it's a coping technique. I had it really bad in my 20's had a full recovery for 20 years and then it came back again at a time of great loss and stress. This time I got this. I finally figured out why I was doing it. So now I make sure no matter what that does not happen. Other times we may find our selves seeking out a similar situation that is close to our trauma maybe in hopes that we can create a different outcome or ending. No matter what it is or why the fact that you are seeing it now is excellent. I really had to learn to love myself and put my health first a long time ago. I went into therapy and I have to deal with it still every day. Sometimes it's better than others but it takes practice, self compassion, and I think you have to put yourself first. Maybe try to find a new healthy thing to put in an old unhealthy practice's place. Such as instead of smoking for example chew sugarless gum. (Just as an example). Or for me if I am super keyed up and don't feel like eating I tell myself it's okay but in 2 hours I have to try to eat something. So I allow myself some time to feel calmer and then I know in order to feel even better I need to eat well. That works for me. I hope you can find the right help for you. You are worth it and deserve health and happiness. I send you warm thoughts and hope for healing.
Hello cape joy
Thank you for helping feel. Supported by this community and that I am " apart of" . Which is big for me, with all the traumatic rejections by my family of origin
Yes of course thank you for joining our support group of healing wisdom.
Thank you friend for your kind healing words.
I know when I go back into a crisis I revert to my earliest survival behavior. it's instinct. You know how a turtle pulls back into it's shell when threatened. or an armadillo? Many defensless creatures run back into there hole in the ground. They go back to safety. it's bad when familiar survival behavior is unhealthy. And it's hard to break that survival behavior. Feeling like not belonging is an old behavior that starts at a very young age. Probably in family. If we feel we belong in family then we take that with us. I want to say that you belong here. Glad to hear your story.
Thank you alamagoosa
I appreciate your time and effort to to help me feel " apart of " I never realy felt like I belonged in my family of origin. It was always a fight for survival and survival of the fittest. Might makes right. That was how I survived for years. But those survival mechanics ism don't work in the real world and in real relationships. Being a real love cripple. I need to learn to connect and bond where I am in bondage. Need a lot of safe people to help me. Thanks for your compassion and non judegement.
You belong. All I have to do is read 'despair...... same damn thing........shame.......' and it sounds like a repeat of what I have heard in my head. There is hope........
Keep writing.......
Thank you aujoymyjoy
For helping me feel like I am " a part of " . So many " traumatic rejections and repeated abandonments .healing many wounds from past relationships
Thanks for taking the time to let me know that I matter to you.
Thank you friend
Multiple his
You are correct most of us what to feel heard" . My perceptions and my opions did not matter when I was young. I was constantly critsized , Condemned and beaten almost daily. Thank you to help me learn that many of us in this community do understand and can help me reduce all that shame, guilt and feeling of worthlessness. Thanks for helping me see that my opinion here does matter.mthanks again
Thanks so much for your kinds words.
Your welcome friend. Keep coming back to us. We will love you until you can love yourself. Really.
Thank you for your confidence to let me know that you are indeed are in my corner.
Thank you for your confidence to let me know that you are indeed are in my corner.
You are strong and brave for posting asking for help on here. What happened to you was your abusers fault and they are the guilty one/ones. You deserve good things and you have permission to relax and have a happy and fulfilling life. All the things I find helpful when im feeling so despondent.
Anytime us trauma survivors and allies stick together 
Please help
it’s traumatic 
Seeking advice on how to move forward.
Glum Today 
I very recently just started smoking again after having quit many months ago. Is this going to hinder recovery?
