Today we meet at No.10 ½ Drowning Street, which is the seat of Government in our parallel universe, not far from the shopping heaven of FibroKnightsbridge.
Please join us in ruling and dominating Fibro World where there are several well-paid cabinet positions up for grabs.
Naturally I shall be Prime Ministress, which means that I get to sit around all day and be VERY bossy, VG is my Rt. Hon. Chancellor of the Exchequer, who is in charge of all the cash, so just watch that she doesn’t run out of the back door with the tea money!
We still await the decision of Foggie, who has been offered the post of Home Secretary. If she graciously accepts, she will have responsibility for all soft furnishings, menu planning, and putting logs on the fire – with numerous assistants of course.
Other cabinet posts available to willing applicants are:
Ministry for Silly Walks (apologies to John Cleese)
Ministry of Make up and Hair Styles
Ministry of Transport (responsible for imposing strict speed limits on mobility scooters)
Ministry of comfortable shoes.
Ministry for ice cream and chocolate flakes
Ministry of Corsets and Big Knickers
So choose your cabinet position everyone – or make one up if you don’t see one you fancy, and remember that Ministerial expenses are unlimited so please indulge yourselves!
NB. This is purely for fun, and no real politics are involved. Any references to Parliamentarians living or recently deceased will attract a VERY STRICT LOOK!
Written by
ladymoth
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At one time I would have offered myself for the position of Minister of Silly Walks but now I feel that I would go "A over T" if I tried to carry out that important position so now I am left wondering what I could safely do.
I think I would be alright as the tea lady, as long as someone else carried the tray through for me as otherwise it could all end up on the floor. There would also have to be an endless supply of the best bone china cups and saucers as I am prone to dropping things when my hands go into spasm.
According to the standards imposed by Atos, I would probably be found capable of fulfilling this role in spite of my problems but I wonder how you would feel, Moffy, about taking me on for this very important role?
I shan't be offended if you have a more suitable candidate!
You are hereby appointed to the post of Official Tea Lady to Her Majesty's Alternative Government.
Please don't worry about dropping things - we have minions to do that for you!
Your duties will consist only of tasting the tea to make sure that it meets our exacting standards, eating a few buns, ditto - and making sure that VG doesn't escape with the tea money - she's been a menace since she had her scooter tuned up!
Please stand by to test the latest delivery of Earl Grey
Sincerely,
Rt Hon.Lady Moffy, Prime Ministress
PS - we will fiddle your expenses for you, so tell ATOS to go stick it where the sun don't shine!
Oh Moffy, this has really cheered me up!.... especially the PS!!!!!
I love Earl Grey tea and the buns will go down a treat!
In fact I am a "tea guzzler extraordinaire" so will be very happy to work extra long hours for you on this most important aspect of the job.
I'll keep a very keen eye on VG, don't worry. Having been the appointed collector of tea money when I was working full time... i.e. pre fibromyalgia... I am well used to all the tricks the staff might get up to like never having the money on them, only having a cheque book or a £20 note etc...I have heard all the excuses over the years.
I am looking forward to starting asap and would like to know if a pad of expenses claim forms is automatically supplied on my first day, so that I don't miss out on any opportunity to claim for necessities, as well as a few little luxuries for myself and possibly a few family members. I don't actually have much family but I could invent a few characters so that I don't miss out on all the perks! You know the sort of thing; a flat in London and country house or two.
I am so relieved to hear that there will be a few minions to carry the trays for me and to pour the tea out as that will cut down on breakages.
I am also pleased to hear that, on my behalf, you will carry out the rather arduous task of fiddling my expenses as I have never been very good with numbers and might end up losing out if I try to carry out this task myself. That is a great weight off my mind.
Your ever humble and most obsequiously grateful servant,
Here's £50,000,000 for the first month's expenses. Try to make it last, but there's plenty more where that came from
Oh - and here's another £50, 000,000,000,000 for teabags and stuff, buy the good stuff from Lidl, there's a dear, we can't be seen to be too profligate!
I'll do my best to make it last as you have been very generous.
I am not sure if Lidl would create a good impression. I suppose it would be good enough for us but I think we should drink in style when we are entertaining others.
Humbly yours, saskia.
Chancellor of the exchequer...... Suits me down to the ground .... I shall sit on a big comfy chair and cancel cheques...... Then with all the money I will have saved I shall fly off on a holiday to somewhere warm and leave you all wondering where the money from these cancelled cheques has gone .....
Ohhh Saskia very kind of you to volunteer to be tea lady..... It's a very easy job as I have cancelled the cheque to the milkman and reduced the tea allowance to zero so all you have to do is walk around leaning on an empty tea trolly .....
Yours rummaging around inside a big red suitcase looking for a pair of scissors to cut even more things......
VG x
You mean I am supposed to give out money ....and not keep it for myself and the others in the cabinet .... Though not sure where the cabinet is that will fit us all in ... Or do we have a minister for magic who will make a cabinet big enough for us all to fit in .... But look so small it will fit in a small alcove .... And can they also magically expand my suitcase in so I can fit more money in it before I abscond with a load of bounced cheques...... Yours with myrtle charged and waiting by the back door
Have it your own way, Madam Chancellor, but whatever you do DON'T cut the Ministerial Expenses, or the time honoured system of graft and corruption ... er, I mean balanced budgeting, will collapse immediately!
Hah! Don't worry about the Cabinet - it's a large mahogany one inherited from my granny - you could fit an army inside it. In fact she often did, I seem to recall!
Goes off to hunt for the army in moffy cabinet..... I may be some time .... I have to check the army personally so I know where to do my budget cutting
Goodmorning Prime Ministeress, I thank you for your kind offer to join your cabinet as Home Secretary, I have great pleasure in accepting the post and will do my very best to serve you with the very best of everything, especially the organising of banquets and humongous log fires, and multifarious soft furnishings suitable for your Ministress !!!
Bows and grovels whilst reversing out of the room, falls over, picks herself up and rubs her hands together with glee, her idea of heaven is dashing off to Peter Jones. (Would have been Horrids, but the that is out of the question these days) and spending money on sumptuous curtains, sofas, chairs, ohhhh deepest joy - nothing quite so good as unlimited budgets especially when it's someone else's money !!!
Grovellingly yours
Having well and truly inspected the army I shall not be making any cuts to the great people of the army navy and airforce ..... So I am afraid your state banquet will be tea and buns and a few custard creams with the queen I am afraid ... But Welles and headscarves should not be a problem . In future banquets will only be funded for state occasions ... Not for lunch with the prime ministress
A state banquet, I will return ere long your Lady Moffyship with a men's new, for your delectation, may I ask if any foreigners will be require any special dietetic needs?
Excuse me madam Chancellor, I am arranging swans and all sorts of delectable s.........you cannot possible limit the budget , I shall have to speak with the Prime Ministeress about your position immediately . Yours very grumpily Home Secretary
Also madam Chancellor, I take issue with your inspection of Her Majesty's Services, you clearly have not taken the time to inspect them properly, I suggest you take slightly longer inspecting rather than the cutting of most important budgets
Yours knowingly. Home Secretary
Looks at foggy in horror..... You want money.... To spend ..... Where can I make a cut so moffy can have new soft furnishings... Aha. I have it..... I will sack ATOS .. Capita and Gs4
And who ever else is running disabilty assessments....
ARGGGHH I have no one to dictate email termination contracts ..... I need a secretary to send out these emails to sack said companies...
VG xxx
Hunting for paper. Pen stamps or laptop......
Goes back into the cabinet while awaiting an assistant ... Ohhh the airforce and navy have turned up.... I will be back later
Good Morning Mam (addresses the new Primeministeress)
As the new minister for corsettry and comfy shoes (bends dramatically to the floor ) I would like to propose a new n yes a new bill.. Allowing all ample people to wear their corsets on show for 33 percent of the year. Yes Buxom boobies and bottoms for ever. Now does that tea lady have the requisit green jelly! Wibbly wobbly stuff excellent for throwing at the oposition!
Swans? Armies? What piffle! Bring me some good, honest British fish and chips immediately - and a copy of the Daily Snail!
Madame Home Secretary, you will have to go to the palace next time. HM's corgis keep biting me, and the food is terrible.
Scores of flunkies, and all they could manage were mingy little canapes - and some blackberry jam which tasted decidedly fishy to me!
Being of good breeding, you will be able to cope with it much better than I. This is called delegation, or passing the buck, and Prime Ministresses are very good at it.
Tradascanthia Plink-basket (pronounced bass-kett) here. Mornin all. One was wonderin if one might be considered for the important position of minister for comfortable shoes? one is jolly well up on this issue havin had the dreaded plantar fascitis and sufferin the dratted arthritis in one's big toe. One has to wear rather stout walking boots when one is out walkin one's afghan hounds around one's rather extensive grounds doncha know. The country balls are such a fag now one has to wear supportive stockings and trainers under one's gown.
Ah, my dear Tradescanthia, please do take on the portfolio for comfy shoes, and for supportive stockings as well.
Would you like me to arrange for your Afghans to meet HM's corgis - I wonder how they would get on? I’m sure they would fight ... er, ... I mean play very nicely together!
Please feel free to be as wibbly and wobbly as you wish!
In my opinion, there has been far too much restriction on wibbling and wobbling, and I think I might pass a law to that effect. Corsets should be worn loose and comfy, and suspenders are optional.
Corsets should be arranged to be seen at all times, otherwise they are a waste of money, so make sure they are well-decorated with frills and bows.
Also, please see to it that some genius invents shoes with four inch heels that are very comfortable to wear, and send me six pairs to try!
Now, I have a very full diary of snoozing, choccy eating and magazine reading to attend to, so only contact me if World War 3 is imminent!
No no no......no money is to be taken from the tea money. I have to be firm about this. In fact, if it is going to cause a problem in the House, I suggest we all sit for several hours and debate the subject whilst eating the finest food and sipping (daintily of course..no slurping allowed whilst on duty) the best tea. I suggest Twinings but am open to other suggestions. Then I think we should pass a law on the subject so that there is no confusion in the future.
I simply must insist that my tea fund is sacrosanct.
The lunch session will take place at 12 till 3.00 all corsets to be loosened by directive of Prime ministress. Any one requireing handling to report to me and as I am fully equiped laces zippers whatever are with in my manifestoe. Boobies wibbley wobbley more the merrier no soup today ! Brown Windsor tomorrow but never soup today.
I hear on undergrapevine that the fussy wussies are due to attack at 5.00pm hard hats can be collected from the cloak room
Knocks. Quietly on the PMs door..............sorry to interrupt your nothingness doing, but it has been drawn to my attention that as Home Secretary I am responsible also for the safety of our nation, and would draw (struggles to fund pen) your attention (which is somewhat less than that of the average gnat) to a slight tiff which is as we speak occurring somewhere east of Timbuktu may infact result in the aforementioned WW III, have I got your authority to approach the Rt Hon Cancellor of the EXchecker for funding to furnish our nuclear bunker?
Please make sure that the Nooclear Bunker is lavishly equipped with all our usual requirements, including a beauty salon.
Please see Tradescantia Limp-Biskitt about arrangements for all the shoes we will need (for stamping out opposition), and see Chancellor VG about the fish pedicures.
Just drop a few million quid on the natives of Timbuktu - that will keep 'em quiet! VG will see to all the finances!
Thanking you greatly, I will attire the nooooclear bunker to the highest specifications, I am also planning, even as we speak, to set up new Premises for the tossers, sorry ATOS in a cosy little place called Pyongyang, although somewhat further away, I am sure most of the claimants in this country will not be averse to this move.
Please, I must insist that there are no more raids on my tea money.
This is becoming too stressful for me. I shall have to work out some sort of extra fiddle if people are going to start helping themselves to my tea fund. I was hoping that if there was any spare money in the tea fund at the end of the year we could all have a nice Christmas "do" on it.
Other ways will have to be found so that we don't miss out on a good old knees up (or whatever any of you are able to get up at the time taking into account our various problems) at Christmas. Surely our loyal public would want us to have a lovely time at Christmas at their expense.
I'd like to apply for the position of....Chief Whip....I'm very good at whipping, all sorts of things, people, cream and I think you'd find me very useful. I could be nasty to all of your 'difficult' ministers and whip them into shape...what do you think ?!
I already have a large whip so the costs would be minimal
Knock knock VG, Foggie Home Secretary requesting an important meeting in relation to forthomcing state banquet and imminent anhilation of the World, no hurry tho.............walks away humming We'll All Go Together When We Go by Tom Lehrer...............
Ah, firefly, just the person I need, I will require 20 gallons of cream whipped, by hand for the forthcoming state banquet / end of the world as we know it bash...............are you up for that ??
All this whipping sounds a bit perverted to me - just the thing if what I have heard is to be believed!
Fyrefly, you can start by whipping the kitchen staff into shape - the scullions are very lax with their scrubbing, and left a rude note on my luncheon tray the other day!
Scurries into PM's office.....................Sorry to bother you your magnificent oust but I am having very great trouble in locating the Canceller of the Cheques, I need an urgent (ish) talk with her regarding funds for the bunker and the state banquet, I've scoured the army & navy stores and she's not there, (obviously shops elsewhere ! ), any idea where I might find her fiddling the funds?
I see thank you, your most graciousness, I will oft to Peter Jones to arrange supplies and then on to Fortnum and Mason to stock up on the yummiest we will need to sustain us. I would ask if your preference in material for soft furnishings is Designers Guild or Zoffany, both most eminent brands, yet so different in detail . I leave the matter with you. I have spoken with my friend Lillibet. (sorry.....Her Majesty ) and she is happy for the corgis to go playing with the Afghans as long as they are completely devoid of any connection with the Tail Ban............she's in favour of docking, and not just the ships..........corgis with tails, can you imagine it???????
Tails would be a good thing on corgis - you would be able to collect them in bunches!
Staggers out of the cabinet .... You will be pleased to know that all the armed forces are more than capable to deal with any skirmish .. Though the men are refusing to wear bullet proof corsets....
I have enough in my budget now for funding luxury bunkers of the neuclear kind and also ... Madam prime minister could you set out a new position for minister for the disabled .. Who will be in charge of hiring only disabled staff to run the hundreds of drs and nurses we can now afford to asses people's disabilities properly the first time.....
Oh comfy shoes.... Gimme a pair quick all those big boots in that cabinet... Me poor feet ...
And a cuppa and a place to hide should atos come revolting at my door .......
VG chancellor of the exchequer and budget juggler most extraordinaire
Yes, indeed Madam Chancellor - please take all the funds you need to appoint disabled staff so that we can command the forces of ATOS efficiently.
Please make sure that all the ATOS staff are rigorously tested- a 30 mile run in full kit under the command of Major-General Paynefull-Legge should sort the beggars!
The Home Sec is cadging funds again for soft furnishings. Tell her to get Designer's Guild - we don't want any of those foreign blighters hanging our curtains!
Have found comfy shoes which may be used quite effectively for stamping out the opposition. Please madame chancellor may I be allowed a budget to equip all members fo the cabinet? They are very cheap as they are to be found in Primark for around seven poiunds a pair.
Equip everyone please size 6 for me please ..... And if anyone wants comfy. Insoles throw. Them in too .... I have saved so much money ......we can have luxuries
Oh dear I am afraid I have sacked all atos and other said companies... To make sure we had money to do the job properly..... Aha I have it we need a minister for bonuses ... So every person who gets a grossly excessive bonus will have to turn up and do the 30 mile run in full kilts and kits under the beady eye of Major - general - paynefull- legge... Anyone who fails the course will hand their bonus over to me to budget with .....
Sorry, sorry, mea culpa, pleas see my recent blog for a pictorial description of said shoes. I believe they used to be called brothel creepers in the teddy boy era.
Very handy .... I can creep round brothels and tax them ...... Well. Done
Pokes nose back in, will someone please tell me when the state banquet is for as I have to order ice sculptures and don't want them to melt..................you can't get the staff these days............
Pokes hand very very quietly in and leaves a pile of marrons glaces in a corner, concealed, lets see if this PM's on the ball or the Gin...............
Yum gobble scarf, slurp! How's that for on the ball?
Did you mention gin as well? Yes please - lots of ice and lime!
bring the ice-sculptures into my office, and I'll give them a chilly stare - that should work for at least 48 hours.
Heheh stands looking out of the window at some very fat bankers doing the 30 mile hike for their bonuses.... I can see more money coming my way .. I think one is only going to manage 30 metres... Still that makes him fit for work according to the OLD rules I have just ABOLISHED.... Rushes into the prime ministereseess office...... Under new laws any icy stares have to be less than a minute long or you will be taxed ... Or run over by a mobility scooter
Looks at her budget ... Yup we can hire him ... Send him along jilly... Moffys grandmothers is rather battered after I inspected the armed forces in hers
I'll send him around, a cold chisel should ease up her joints. A quick rub down with linseed oil will help revive her colour too. Should I warn him her forces have been armed? It won't set off any alarm bells will it only my son might rush in with pepper spray and his taser.
Are you sure Jillylin's family aren't spies, VG? They sound suspiciously clever to me, and I don't like the sound of that cold chisel! Lock 'em in the Tower of London until we're sure!
Not my job .. Sorry I only tax .... Cut spending and put the disabled in charge oh as well as devising a game show and ATM I am busy with HRH in the cabinet dictating ...... And I cant be climbing any towers with my knees.......
I need two red suitcases I have made new jobs slashed spending by wastrels. Increased taxes and sorted out the old dla and have set up a new entertainment show called fat cats in kilts... Which I am selling at great profits worldwide.. Run by major general painfulful legge
Sound idea, there - would save time spent pouring the noggins!
Apropos the fat cats, Madam Chancellor - have we taxed their kilts as well?
Impose a trouser tax as well, so they can't get away with it - oh - and a bare-bottomed tax too - just to make sure! Belts and braces, you know! Don't forget to tax the belts and braces while you're at it.
I have found you a secretary, lady VG - he will help you with all the paperwork and money counting. he looks suspiciously like Prince H, who is well known to be a great fish-fancier, so keep an eye on him, won't you!
Oooohhhhh nooo you don't Primewoteveryouare...........HE's MINE !!!!!!!!!
He fancies the fish I have tucked away in tanks for special occasions, and as Home Secretary I make prior claim....................shoves VG out of the way grabs the Prince by something and drags him out to her own office..................
Takes the secretary under her fin and into the cabinet to do some dictation ....
We have loads of people to sack so if I just dictate one email and then HRH can change the name at the top and send ... That shouldn't be too taking for the dear lad.... Shuts the door behind them .... To keep out the draught......
I will appoint you as my taster, as Home Secretary one does have to have standards you know, though I'm sure you will suit the position admirably , I trust you know all your wines and the etiquette of toasting, it will be a far cry from fish and chips, it may be duck and grouse..........now no grumbling, you wanted the job
Tradascanthia stomps in to the cabinet room in pink denim three inch sole brothel creepers, bell bottom jeans and a purple caftan.............party, did someone say party? Shall I pop down to iceland and get some frozen nibbles. Do we have a microwave?
Comes back in to the Prime Ministeress'sssss office after a particularly long and boozy lunch with the Queens Equerry to the Royal Household, over plans to link nooooooclear bunkers for the forthcoming state banquet
Will linking the bunkers compromise the structure ... That has to go through planning ... And how many bedrooms do you have in there..... Snoops suspiciously.... Everyone HAS to have at least TWO bedrooms or more......
We do indeed have the prerequisite number of beds per heads I think we have TWO bathrooms per bed or was it two heads per bath, oh dear it was something like that, I can't really recall due to excessive intake of incohol, .................our bunkers will be if the very highest specification that can empty your coffers easily........l........slides gently to the floor in a heap.....ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz
Wakes up and realises the PM has gone...........Letttt'''sssss Parrtyyyy
Forgets her position her place and in the general confusion of baths beds and heads shouts. OFF WITH HER HEAD and then promptly forgets whose head.... Ahh well heads back into the party....
Stands alongside Prince H who is obviously longing to party hard......................lets show 'em how its done shall we................
Stares at foggy and HRH I didn't think you played billiards like that !!!!!! Heads of to measure the neuclear bunkers to make sure every room is large enough for requirements , takes a mountain iof snacks and a health and satety inspector and locks them in.....
could I please be considered for the minister of sweets and slush puppies, that help us feel healthy and never in pain. Plus in fibromite land they come free of charge on verification of a certificate signed by said minister and her team.
I'M BACK!!!! Have you lot left any food and booze for me?
I have just had a very satisfactory trip to Asda - er - I mean Chequers, and have brought back extra potatoes in case we need chips in our nooclear bunker. In event of war, we just poke them through a hole in the ceiling, and the radiation will fry them nicely
What on earth are Foggy and Prince H up to? I hope Her Majesty Grandma will approve - maybe we'll manage to marry them off. bags I the front seat in Westminster Abbey.
Look at the official taster - she's put on 3 stone in the last hour - she's meant to taste stuff, not scoff the lot! Grabs a tray of choccy muffins from under San's nose.
I leave you lot alone for a couple of hours, and what do I get when I come back? Licentiousness and revelry! Dead cool - party on!
Comes out of the nuclear bunkers looking very red..... Foggy is applying for a grant to extend the bunkers and upgrades...... There is a queue of people waiting to be interviewed to take atos managers. Jobs... The wind has got up and the fat cats in kilts game show has gone x rated and will be relegated to late night TV at this rate.... On the positive side I have reversed the whole of the deficit in a day ... Got rid of atos and made a porn game show.....
Goes of happily to eat fresh cream cakes and rubber stamp a few memorandums..
You are definitely an excellent exchequer as you excel in exchequery. Try saying that with your mouth full of cream buns!
A bigger bunker would be good - we could have a swimming pool, jacuzzi and an indoor golf course. Don't forget the torture chamber for any remaining ATOS bods we round up, we'll have to fit that in somewhere!
Porn show - hmmm - which tasty blokes are in it? <@><@>
Agrees VG has made some excellent decisions with regards to the sacking of ATOS, I as Home Secretary relocated the lot of them to Pyongyang , so there is no chance they will be allowed bak into the country at any cost, they will have to be repatriated into their homeland - France, that is if they haven't been fried in the meantime. Hoorah !!!!
Ohhh do we have a minister of torture... Until we do. I will just tie up the undesirables and leave them in the kitchen with the tap dripping...
Back to business in hand, I have bought swathes of the finest silks to attire the entirety of the room for the state banquet, the ice sculptures are on order and will flow with Gin and Champagne, for your delectation . The committee is not yet agreed as to the menu, but is open to suggestions from the other members if the Cabinet........RSVP
Pop off to Iceland and get some 'Fab' lollies and some sausage rolls, a few packets of frozen choc eclairs, a quiche or two and some oven chips. We must have some cheesecake as well, none of that junk food for us, oh deary me no!
Dollop a bit of caviar on top, and you'll have Her Maj pleading for the recipes! Oh yes - some wagon wheels, Prince H loves those!
Do you think we should have some corned beef sarnies with ketchup in case anyone's really hungry?
Please come back, Home Sec, and we'll have some filets mignons and oysters, maybe some salad nicoise, then strawberries and cream, and Bollinger to wash it all down!
Poor Madame Home Sec - I do love winding her up!
Why I can stretch to a private plane to get you to Iceland... The volcano has stopped erupting and it won't take long.......
We need a minister for names ... All boys will be called bob and all girls eve then they can all have free personalised mugs and they will all answer when spoken to..... Literally
Then we'll need a Ministry for Mugs. Sounds all too familiar, actually - but I digress!
Any tax opportunities there, do you think? We could tax the handles, but levy a further tax for mugs with no handles. This taxation business is pretty cool, isn't it?
Sneaks in and wishes to offer her services as Minister for Mugs with portfolio.........the stress of being Home Secretary being too great a sap on her resources.........I have a passion for mugs, of all sorts
Hooray start personalising foggy while I world on taxing the mugs ..... Not the personalised ones
Excuse me, how dare you assume I would lower myself to such a thing,I will be drinking cappuccinos from a finest porcelain mug........Bolly as you call it calls for a very long champagne glass, you surely read me wrong, I come from the aristocracy and would never do such a thing.
You can look as sternly as you like <O> <O> it's a good look
Tut tut what is the world coming to drinking champagne from a mug.... Next we will be eating with our fingers in front of the TV..... Drops her spare ribs and turns around to face the wall .. Not the TV.
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Back again :-( :-( with sad news
Local Council Housing Officer - Interviewed re. Housing Benefit Reform
submission?
Banging my head on brick wall!!!!!!
