submission?: This is a query way off... - Fibromyalgia Acti...

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submission?

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
38 Replies

This is a query way off fibro. but I hope it is ok on this site as I would value an objective opinion. We are all aware of how fibro can affect our confidence and interactions with others or so called friends who rarely understand, and any of you who have been reading my posts will realise I have had several bad experiences over the last 30 year which i think contributed to the illness. As an aside i have also mentioned in the past that i had read somewhere that a certain type of personality can be susceptible, being extra sensitive, being one of the traits, which may be the case here. However I digress. Fifteen years ago a young single mother with two sons, for some reason latched on to me and we formed a 'friendship' for want of a better word. We have nothing in common really but I was friendly with her and eventually she asked me to go play bingo with once a week. Which I did for about 5 years. In the meantime my husband with a group of others set up a bingo session locally for charity and eventually we changed from going to the first one, to go to the local one. She then dropped out for a while, maybe a couple of years, and I didn't see her in the meantime, other than birthday and Christmas cards which she has always sent, making a big thing of me being her friend. She eventually came back to the local bingo and then asked me to go with her to another bingo session in a nearby town one evening a week. By this time DH had started with dementia and my daughters said i needed to go out to get a break and do something on my own. So I did. It turned out we sat with a crowd of people she already knew, including her mother, but no problems. I thought they were nice and quite enjoyed it. After 12 months she then asked another friend of hers to join us. Then another one. All of us she takes in her car. She then began developing a really close friendship with the other two, often going out socially with them on other days and to their homes, without mentioning it to me until afterwards, which in itself wasn't and issue, as I didn't particularly want, or would not have been able, to join in anyway, but it did make me feel a bit awkward. Now, over the last month she had been making a lot of unwarranted nasty personal digs, which I have brushed off, but can't understand why she is doing it, unless it is provoke a reaction, to cause a row, in order to 'dump' me. She is not a person you could logically raise a point with, she would take it as criticism and cause a full blown row, so I can't decide whether to give her what she wants and forego my one night out, or to continue to brush it off, pretending I don't care.Why I always get myself in complicated situations I will never know. What are your thoughts. x

38 Replies
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bobbybobb

Me personally, I couldn't be bothered with anyone like that in my life. As you say, your life is pretty stressful at the moment and issues like this just add to it. I also think if she knows your circumstances, well, she is not very empathetic to your situation is she. It could be by being your friend she is causing you more stress than it's worth. Is there no new groups you could join and maybe meet some new people.xx

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to bobbybobb

Thanks for your thoughts. You are right of course. The funny thing is, although I am undecided it is not stressing me. She has had a difficult life and one of her sons is disabled, so I do had some sympathy for her. She no longer sits with us (the original group when we are there ) although one of ' new' friends does, and we as a group do all get on, I think my take is that whilst she is still taking me, I am also using her, which I know is an awful way of looking at things, but as long as I keep on being pleasant to her, it still might work.

MichelleButterfly
MichelleButterflyFMA UK Volunteer

It sounds like this person has some problems if her own. She maybe genuinely being horrible or she could be going through something herself right now. Either way it is not something you should have to deal with as it sounds like you have enough on your plate. Are there any clubs you could join locally. Any local Facebook pages you could post or browse in. You maybe surprised how many other people could be wanting an evening or afternoon out.

ShelWhitt

That is a good idea. Thanks i will look into it!

MichelleButterfly
MichelleButterflyFMA UK Volunteer
in reply to ShelWhitt

You're welcome. I hope you find something.

aud01

I’d personally stop going ..... she isn’t a friend if she is treating you like that and if she is a friend she will come and ask why you stopped going ...

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to aud01

Thanks. aud01. That is also a good idea. I think i will give her the benefit of the doubt until after Xmas, as I know she has some problems to deal with at the moment, (haven't we all) her disabled son needs to go in hospital, although that is not an excuse. I will continue to be pleasant to her and see how it goes. I did wonder if it could be a form of jealousy. I never speak about anything financial, but she knows we own our own home and although we are not weathy by any means, we are comfortable. She is on benefits, although she always seems to have money to spend on things like tattoos, nails and hair done. One of her digs is, if I win on the bingo, which isn't very often , oh you won again and you don't need the money. Or, if I comment about needing a job doing, or something has broken and needing replacing, well it's all right for you, no bother, you can afford it. Anyway thank you all for your input. Look after yourselves and best wishes for Christmas. x

aud01
aud01
in reply to ShelWhitt

My sister used to always turn all her friends against me and talk to me like crap in front of them ..... and if I ever got a friend she worked her way on and tried to do the same with mine .. luckily enough my friends didn’t bite .... so stopped speaking to my sister years ago and have made no effort to speak to her again .... don’t get me wrong I tried over the years to sort it and it kept happening so I stopped for the last time about 25 years ago and I won’t approach or entertain her again ..... even when our mum died she took over everything and left me nothing . Even took all my photos of my mum promising my solicitor she would give me them back and didn’t and yes I had to go to a solicitor to get anything .. and we are twins.....

I’ve learned with fibro or any other chronic illness put yourself first because any kind of toxicity will affect your illness even if you think it isn’t .... it does .. it plays on your psyche and makes you flare up ......

Good luck but if it was me I would only speak to her if she makes the first contact .... xxp

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to aud01

I am so sorry - Aud01 that you have had such a difficult time. It must have been horrendous, particularly with you being twins. My guess is, that even though you have moved on, it has left its scars, and is probably still affecting your health. I am glad that you have retained some good friends, which must have helped a little. Take care. x

aud01
aud01
in reply to ShelWhitt

It has .. and you xx

baraba

Being 67, I can recall numerous situations in my life where I was going through unnecessary torture because of unfounded suspicions. In our heads, the worst scenario is always the most probable. And as a rule, an open talk has always shown that the situation was not even close to the worst scenario. So, talk to her...friendly and openly...

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to baraba

Thank you baraba. x

Ticketyboo555

A true friend wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable or question your friendship.

I spent years like you, constantly thinking of others and how I could make the 'wrong people' happy, only for them to see it as a sign of weakness and walk all over me, in turn making myself unhappy.

Fibro taught me that negativity/stress is no good for us.

Offload her. Be gentle, just gradually stop going.

There are plenty of lovely people out there, you just have to reach out.

Big hugs.

Sue x

ShelWhitt

Thank you . I know you are right. I have never regarded her as a true friend, but I suppose we both filled a mutual need at the time. We are different age groups, totally different intellectually, and really have nothing in common other than being 'bingo buddies' but she was friendly towards me initially and I responded, in the same way, thinking she was in need of a friend; and to be fair she has taken me back and forth in her car whenever we have gone out. (Just to make it clear, I have always made sure I paid my way transport wise). Also , I am finding it difficult to branch out at the moment, what with my constant fibro flairs, several other medical problems, not forgetting the increasing stress with OH not wanting to be left alone - but having difficulty going places due to his poor mobility, and neither of us driving any more, added to his worsening dementia. So in the scheme of things, this dilemma is is quite a minor. What are the Yorkshire sayings. It never rains but it pours and There is nowt so queer as folk. I think both apply here. I will get there in the end. Thanks for listening and returning big hugs. x

Funkyfaerie

If someone treats me like that after all I have done is try to help and care. I get them out of my life, I don't need so called friends like that, we they are not really friends are they, just users! And I don't need their negativity in my life. And I have some genuine friends.

I'm not a people pleaser anymore and it makes all the difference!

Sorry if I sound harsh, but you have to look after yourself, don't be manipulated

People who do that do not have your best interests at heart, only theirs.

ShelWhitt

You are right my friend. I think I have always been a bit of a soft touch!I need to strengthen my backbone.Thanks for caring. x

Funkyfaerie

You'd be surprised how much all this emotional upheaval can create aches and pains in your body. Google Dr Sarno..... Its all about our brains being under siege with emotional trauma and pain in our body.

Best wishes

ShelWhitt

Thank you. That is something else I have learned today. x

Zoonie

From a male point of view, do you need her as a friend, does she contribute anything to make you feel happy, do you have conversation other than about problems or bingo? If that's mostly no then you know how I would deal with it.

I think you really need some ME time doing things that make you happy - I have been following your trials and tribulations but not really commented until now, you deserve more than what you're getting out of life now but it's only you that can do something about it.

Good luck, your new future could start now!

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to Zoonie

Thank you Zoonie. I really am going to make an effort to be more positive and outgoing in the New year. At least at the moment my sleeping pattern has improved. I am getting as much as 5 hours some nights. This has helped the brain fog, concentration, tiredness and stress. So hopefully 'onwards and upwards'. Best wishes. x

Zoonie
Zoonie
in reply to ShelWhitt

That's a good start, as you say - onwards and upwards, The only way is up!!!

(wasn't there a song with that title 😉).

NurseGladys123

I had a long time friend of 25 years, we did so much together but I could not tolerate her heavy drinking, she became an embarrassment to be with, the final straw came when we went to Glasgow for the davis Cup tennis, we always went to Wimbledon (she moved down there for work) we both loved tennis..But at the last meeting she wanted to go hiking and with fibro and CFS I just could not do that, because fibro is an invisible illness she often dropped a snide remark like "oh you are not limping today"I tried to explain how fibro affects people but picked a bad time as she had sank 3 bottles of wine by then and we were in a restaurant, she got loud aggressive and nasty so I up sticks back to the hotel packed my bags and got an early train back home, I havnt heard or seen her since, that was in 2015.

ShelWhitt

What a sad story Nurse Gladys. I really feel for you. I too have always enjoyed watching the tennis from my early teens, when i used to play, but admit I have lost touch somewhat over recent years. You must have had some lovely times together. Is does sound as though your friend has some issues, if she was drinking to that extent. I agree with you though, because it is invisible, unless they have it themselves, no-one can get to grips with or understand just how devastating it is to deal with on a daily basis. No one asks how I am. Because I am managing to pace myself, and on the face of it function, people only see me when out and about doing shopping, on the bus, etc. looking perfectly normal. Not when I return home and crash for the next couple of days and nights. If anyone comments that I seem miserable or grumpy, I simply say I am having a bad day. That has to suffice, because I know full well they don't want to listen to detailed explanations. I do hope you have come to terms with the devastation losing a long term close friend must have caused and been able to move on. Sending best wishes. x

Shazzzy

Hi Nurse Gladys I don't think that's a sad story. I think it shows strength and initiative on your behalf. Well done, I have done similar myself. To shelwhitt I found getting rid of the wrong friend focus's your energy towards making new friends. All the best

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to Shazzzy

You are probably right. I am glad it worked for you. Best wishes. x

Midori

Sounds to me as if she feels the friendship has run its course, but doesn't have the courage to tell you she has found more congenial friends. Hence the 'digs'.

It isn't a nice way to go about things, but some folk are, to put it mildly, chicken when it comes to ending a 'friendship' I don't feel this was a true friendship, rather a convenient thing for her.

I'd start saying 'Sorry, I'm busy', or 'its inconvenient', and I think you'll probably find you have given her an easy way out.

Cheers, Midori

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to Midori

Thanks for the advice Midori. x

AllthatGlitters

I would ignore her. Who needs a friend like that .... plenty of other kind and caring people in the world. Maybe go to a community group to meet others like yourself xx

ShelWhitt

Thanks for he advice. x

johnsmith

Look up frenemy. You are not asking an easy question. For health reasons you are more prickly and can take offence to things that a person in good health would take in their stride. A side effect of health disability is that you can put an emotional edge on verbal exchange which causes a reaction in another person without realising you are doing it.

Because of your health disability you restrict the activities of others you are with. So you provide stress to the group if there is wanting to go onto doing something more physical.

You are in a situation where you need to do much talking to yourself playing over the scenes in your head. Don't tell anyone of your thoughts. With all the replays when it comes to the actual face to face you will do what is right at the time.

Remember to smile with your eyes.

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to johnsmith

Thank you John smith.

Dizzytwo
DizzytwoModerator

Hi there Shelwhitt, I may have mentioned this before. But has your post contains a lot of personal information and replies from members it may be worth thinking about locking your post.

If you don't lock your posts they can and will be picked up by the big search engines like Google, FB etc and you may see what your writing about been read by anyone on the world wide Web.

We take all our members privacy very very seriously here at FMAUK.

If you wish to lock your post and keep what you post private to this community only this link will show you how to lock a post :)

healthunlocked.com/fibromya...

I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening xx

Momo

Hidden
Hidden

How many people do you know that really get it....... , fibro , and it's effects etc , this is to everyone ?.......

Zoonie
Zoonie
in reply to Hidden

The really simple answer to that is the folks on here who have got it, not very likely to unless you have!

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Zoonie

The 2,7 million of us with it 🤪😲

Hidden
Hidden

I think I meant in real life , not virtual .... In your day to day , Saying that what would we do without this forum X porkypine😋

Zoonie
Zoonie
in reply to Hidden

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Zoonie

😜🐵🙊

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