My self esteem has been damaged. I found I was behaving as if I was new to my job instead of remembering I had been doing it for 13 years! I was angry that I could no longer pop down the corridor to do something, I had to use an electric chair. I felt in the way and useless.
Regarding going out I would agree then find a reason not to go. I liked the idea and then had to think - would I need the wheelchair? Or just a stick? How close could we get with the car to save pushing me through the streets? Is the building suitable for a wheelchair...so I would give up. Or I would go and find a reason why I could leave early.
I had my dog, which meant I had to go out, meet people etc and that helped so much, but she got cancer and died age 2. I cannot make myself go out now. Its easier to stay home.
Now my back hurts so much I have my Tens machine up high, just got the doctor to come to me and leave me a prescription, but again I feel I don't want to ask for someone to get the meds for me.
This was me last November 2012 talking about the previous months from February 2011. What's changed? I have a puppy, I have just about got back to work after my back caused me major pain for over a week. I am going to have a big meeting, stage 3 which means Head Teacher, Personnel and my Union will all be there. My confidence picked up for a while, I dared to dream that I was a part of a team, could take over part of my groups work when others move on in September and what did I go and do? I danced in the shower for 30 secs and later watched a film at the cinema and didn't notice any problems.
Yup my back has given up again, and when it does that it screams and so do I [well nearly, but the TENs machine, after being on for most of the day, eased it enough.
I just took a look back and it seems I am on the Hampsters Wheel here, but thanks to the Laws in this country I am only hanging onto my job by my fingernails.
I will not give up. I will not give in. I am a survivor and I will not crumble [although I may cry].