My 8 year old little girl belongs to a rather wonderful majorettes troupe in our town. They really are wonderful and do very well in competitions nationwide. In April of this year we are going to the nationals which is a very important comp for the weekend in lovely Skegness. As she has only been going for little over a year, this is the first time she has been picked for the troupe and shes ecstatic and practising so hard bless her.
The other parents are a mix of people, theres the nice, down to earth friendly mums, the quiet mums, and the in a little group mums who wouldnt really go out of their way to make you feel welcome. They are not nasty but ive heard them have a little bitch and moan amongst themselves about other mums and these are the mums who run the committee and organize everything.
Now i do get along with everyone and no one at all knows of my fibro, chirari malformation and now this awful tri..(forgot it again....moffy what is it again please) neuralgia which is the bane of my very existance at the moment.
I take my daughter to the shows the girls dance at which is a huge task in itself as its an all day job of travelling packing, having at least 40 different girls screeching about hair, costumes etc and it nearly kills me and we also do carnivals and last year i helped decorate a float and then stood i fancy fress on it waving for 5 hours supervising the little ones anf i thought i would never be able to get out of bed again....ever!
I do my fair share of fundraising and such like and ive kept my problems well hidden, thinking about it now im not sure why....maybe its because i dont want people to talk about me behind my back you know the sort of thing...(well she looks alright.....shes obvioulsy a hypocondriac) im sure you are all familiar with the back biting! Or wrse, maybe i dont want their pity and i dont want to be seen as th one who cant do anything. I have never let them down no matter how ill and in pain i am.
Now, back to the reason for this blog. The mummies in the troupe particioate in whats called an "Adult Novelty" act every year where they do a rourine involving, baton twirling, poms and flags...getting dressed up and having fun. This is a very hotly contested event every year and we are always first or second which is great and of cours this year, the committee, behind my back have very kindly put my name down for it! When i was informed last week in front of everyone i was mortified! I just smiled and said that i wasnt really fit enough for that. No excuses i was told....its great fun.
So i thought about it for a few hours at home and came to the conclusion that i could give it a go, i even allowed myself to be a little excited. OH, my son and especially my daughter were not quite so enthusiastic though. My daughter started crying and was so upset "But mummy, she wept, mr fibro wont like it!" How heartbreaking was that? Pretty heartbreaking is the answer, but i gave her a cuddle and explained that Mummy doesnt want people to know about mr fibro at majorettes cos people will think of me differently and sometimes in life you have to push yourself just to see if you can etc....
Now this week has been the worst week i can remember pain wise...not only could i have killed myself overdosing on meds i was in so much pain with the tri...neuralgia, mr fibro, not liking to be outdone by anything,has decided to play up too, resulting in extreme pain while doing anything including walking. Indeed not only do i walk like a zombie because of all these new meds for the neuralgia, i also feel like one so another trip to my sainted gp tomorrow i think! The pain in my face despite all the meds is still very much there im afraid and last night i was so hunger crazed as i havent been able to eat since tuesday, i gobbled a tin of cold rice pudding down!
God, it felt good to have food in my belly!
As stubborn as i am, even i can see i am not fit or well enough to start practising for this adult novelty routine and the rehersals start this afternoon. I did try to tell the head of the committee through the week that i had a medical condition theefore i doubt i could do the dancing to which she replied "if i can do it, anyone can" bearing in mind she is a good 10 years younger than me and is an adult majorette who runs around like she owns the place!
Today is crunch day...i have to do something.....do i just go for it and suffer later, or what do i do??????? I already feel so sad inside cos i really had talked myself into doing this....just for me! Im sure some of you can relate to that. I feel so angry with my lot in life cos i want to do this so much and i always push myself no matter how rubbish i feel.Wednesday this week was the only day ever since fibro or ever for that matter that i had to admit defeat and lay on the sofa, swallowing far too many meds and crying, the pain was that bad!
I feel like ive let everyone down including my little girl and i dont know what to do!
Please, any advice would be much appreciated. Charlii xx