You're thoughts please( not fibro related)

Hi everyone I hope it's ok to write about something not fibro related but its bothering me and I'm hoping by writing it down I will understand why it's bothering me so much.

My sixteen year old daughter is a lovely girl but this weekend she told me about what's going on at school. she is currently doing her A levels. When she started sixth form she got more friendly with a girl she wasn't too sure about. As she has settled into sixth form she has made other friends but this group don't like her original friend. The group of friends she had in her previous year( who have since left school) didn't like this girl either but my daughter took pity on her and tried include her in things. Now my daughter is feeling really awful as she is realising this girl has become very needy and sticks to my daughter like glue and constantly invades my daughters space. The others in the group are being quite horrid to this girl and have told her that they don't want her hanging around with them as her behaviour has been decidedly odd. My daughter thinks she has problems with socialising with people,she has tried talking to her but her behaviour doesn't change. She copies what my daughter says and does and tried dressing like her. she is constantly holding on to My daughter when they are at school.

I can see why my daughter is feeling distinctly uncomfortable but I also feel very sorry for this girl as she seems to have issues. I have said to my daughter that she must do what feels right for her and she isn't responsible for this girl and I understand why she feels so claustrophobic around her. does that sound really harsh? but there's a but here,how would she feel if it was being done to her?But should she stay friends with this girl because she feels sorry for her. I've had to let friends go over the years as a lot of us do but I've never had to cope with anyone who has become so dependant on me. how do you deal with them?

5 Replies

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  • My daughter had a "friend" like this, although they were a bit younger than your daughter, 14 ish.

    When my daughter told this "friend" that she didn't want to be friends with her anymore the girl started telling teachers that my daughter was bullying her (when in fact she was totally ignoring her) and my daughter kept getting punished for the non existent bullying.

    The girl would suddenly start crying in class and when asked what was wrong she would say that my daughter had hit her. She was so good at lying that one day when she started crying and got the usual sympathy because she'd been hit by my daughter my girl wasn't even there, she was off sick.

    Tell your daughter to be very careful because people like this are very manipulative. Make sure the school know that your daughter is not comfortable with this girl and maybe try to wean herself away gradually.

    My daughter is now nearly 28 but we (especially her) had a very miserable 2 years until they left school.

  • Does your daughter have a "guidance teacher" or "personal tutor" at school who she can speak to in confidence about this matter? Or maybe you could make an appointment to speak to her form teacher and then you could go along with your daughter if she is not happy to go by herself. I don't think it is wise for you to try and deal with it yourself but I am sure that the members of staff at school will help you sort it out -- they probably are more aware of this girl's issues and will advise you on the best way to handle it. Good luck xx

  • This is sadly an all too common situation within schools. The "needy" girl is doing everything she can to copy your daughter because she admires her and is everything she aspires to be. What greater compliment than actually becoming her. She is thinking that your daughter will love this as well as it fulfilling her own needs. It makes them the same, almost twins. This way, it separates the two friends from everyone else which also suits her needs. She probably isn't aware of all this as it's more psychological than intentional, but this is clearly what is happening here.

    Your daughter's situation on the other hand is a whole different ball park. She needs other friends. A friendship like she has at the moment is all consuming and isn't healthy. I feel awful for saying this, but as a mother this is what I would do - I would gently steer and encourage my daughter to make other friends because a needy friendship is invariably ultimately a destructive friendship, meaning it will fall apart and your daughter will have forgone all other friendships for this. Your daughter needs to broaden her horizons and involve other friends and not make herself an outcast with her needy friend. I am afraid groups of girls particularly will always pick on someone needy and this is what is happening too. By slowly "breaking away" your daughter will flourish and do normal things with other friends, this is all we want for our children isn't it.

    Have a word with the headteacher and explain all of this. Ask whether there is support for this poor needy girl, it is really up to the school to support her needs and not your daughter at her emotional expense (the loss of friends and normal socialising etc). At the end of the day my dear, the needy girl isn't your problem. Sorry to sound so blunt, but my concern is for you and your daughter. The school and maybe social services, counselling, special needs etc., will be able to help and support the other girl. This is perhaps exactly what she really needs. It isn't fair to stifle your daughter.

    I hope all this makes sense, my sincere apologies if what I have said comes across at all harshly. 28 years of experience with three children has taught me to see the broader picture and I have seen this situation a few times during their education.

    Here's a hug for you. Please feel free to private message me any time at all if you don't want to discuss this here in the community. Happy to help at any time. :) (((hug))) xxxx

  • Tricky one, really. I had a friend like this at school, right through to when I was 30, and it's difficult to find the right way to create distance. I do agree that it's very difficult to break the ties, especially when she knows this girl is struggling socially. My friend was (and, I believe, still is) anorexic, and had so little support from her family that I was the one who took her to the GP at 15 and got her to ask for help. You do start to feel somehow responsible, but it's so easy for people who already feel rubbish about themselves to see that and take advantage. I'll be honest; I didn't do anything about it, and still feel bad that I somehow 'let her down', even though the reason we aren't in touch anymore is because she made it so difficult for me to see her without rearranging my entire life that we just dropped out of contact. It's a hard thing to do, although the atmosphere with the other girls must be making it really tough for both of them at the moment.

    If there's a counsellor at the school, it might be worthwhile your daughter chatting to them, as the other girl sounds like she needs some support socially. It's just possible that she has a mild form of autism, or something similar, and she might need help that your daughter isn't qualified to give. And your daughter definitely needs some guidance as to what to do next.

    Sara xx

  • I was in this situation many years ago, I was the one with the needy friend who everyone else wnated nothing to do with. Word gets around as well as cutting her off I was cut off as well. It went on like this for 2 years from when was 12 until I was 14. As hard as I tired to breakaway it backfired and made things worse for me. She would suddenly cling to someone else and before I knew where I was I was labelled as a troublemaker and through no fault of my own from what I could see. The she would suddenly turn on the person she had turned against me and come out in my defence. I could not see it ending and my parents were not the slightest bit interested. I used to wish her away as from what I had learnt they never stayed in one place any longer tan three years. In my mind that meant she would maybe be gone by the time I was 15. As luck would have it they moved away and I was free of her. It took me a long time to get my old friends back and make them realise I was not the one causing the trouble. I would get your daughter tot ry and distance herself from it all before it is too late. I hope it is sorted soon, no one should have to go through this xxxxx

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