suicide

[carmelj]

PLEASE PLEASE no one feel so bad that you think suicide is the answer. Depression is a symptom of fibro, wonder why?? Please if life feels hopeless go to see your GP. I know they make us feel worse, but go and MAKE them listen, demand counseling, anti depressants what ever. I know how bleak the long nights awake are, but don't let this goddamn illness beat us. I have met up with 4 other fibroits and we meet once a week, and it has saved my life, literally. other fibroits are the only ones who get you. we met and share problems, support each other but most of all laugh at ourselves. please try to reach out to local suffers it may save you and someone else. Sorry to lecture good luck with your battle and big gentle hugs xxx

[Hidden]

i totally agree and yes no one should let this damn illness do that to them i have other personal stuff going on right now too and have battled with the demons alot but have never actually thought right im gonna.

it wont solve anything and you leave behind a huge amount of sadness and anger too.good one carmelj for raising this...xx

[Hidden]

Well said Carmel and thank you so much for your message! We all reach the end of our rope sometimes, the pain and fatigue wears us down. Some of us with depression too find it so hard to cope, benefit issues, so many hurdles in our day to day lives.

Please know everyone that we are all here for you through the ups and downs, highs and lows! We all know how you feel because we have been there too, we are all in the same boat at the end of the day.

Feel free to rant, pour your heart out to us, we are only to happy to listen and help and support you where we can. Keep fighting, onward and upward together! Hugs all round for all Fibromites here at FibroAction! (((x)))

[Devonlady]

Well as someone who was having just thouse thoughts last weekend I did go to my GP and he did give me something there and then which has helped and he also sent me for councelling.

Today I am still very down and struggling but I am stable and thats what matters. To anyone who feels like I did last weekend go get help now. It does help and I certainly am not going to let constant pain ruin my life xx

[julieevh in reply to Devonlady]

I remember that post - good to hear that you are stable and no longer so desperate xxx

[Cleaner]

I suffer from depression & when Fibro pain gets really bad suicide is always on my mind. I don't want to live with pain for the rest of my life. The only thing that stops me from doing it is my family & Grandchildren.

[larissa]

I try not to let it drag me down, but last week things got on top of me. I felt so down and just wanted to keep crying . I felt like a fragile doll who was about to break . A negative thought did enter my head one morning , i thought ..... everyday is an upward struggle and i dont know how long i can keep struggling for.

Thats not true, i do have better days and much to be grateful for , but at the time these thoughts didnt enter my head, i felt too low.

Although i didnt think of suicide , this is the worst negative thoughts i have had and i feel uneasy when i think about it.

It scared me so much that i did think of going to my gp but then i am already on anti depressants , recently changed from citalopram to duloxatine .

Thanks for raising this , none of us are alone xx

[fairycazzie]

Yes its a good point!

I went through one 16 yrs ago and felt extremely lOw to near break down

Sat after having my 3 rd child and wanted to ..

But met my now hubby and fought the battle and so very thank ful is all i can say.

Support and undestanding is major to help get through the rough times.

You keep talking and telling us how you feel and never keep bottled up.

Any of us are here for you!

I not hit depression again as yet and determined not to let anything stand in the way as i think of the most bad times painful suffering etc and think the days that are decent and anyone i have around.

Always keep as busy as possible and TALK xxx

Hugs

Cazzie xxxx

[LindseyMid]

Lovely posts. I know that when I was seriously ill with Fibro, I needed counselling (and anti-depressant medication for a time) to help me cope.

If you ever feel desperate and need someone to talk to urgently and in confidence, remember that the Samaritans are able to offer emotional support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week:

Samaritans

samaritans.org/

08457 90 90 90* (UK)

1850 60 90 90* (ROI)

Also, for younger people, there is PAPYRUS (Prevention of Young Suicide):papyrus-uk.org/

For more information on getting help when you may be suicidal, here is information from the Mental Health Foundation: mentalhealth.org.uk/help-in...

[sara69]

Thanks for this post, atm I am feeling very down and alone for many many reasons and you have reminded me that there may be other options out there...I am already on anti depressants but I might try and find local sufferers to share and talk to Thanks again (((soft hugs)))

[Hidden]

I think the great thing about sites like this is that it makes us aware that we are not alone. Technology has plenty of negative aspects but far more positive ones when folks from all over the world can find others who really do know just how you feel. It is easy to be depressed when we feel isolated and when others seem not to understand what we are going through. Sites like this enable us to reach out to give and receive love, help and advice when we need it most. I feel so lucky to have found you all! Jane x

[NordicNavajo]

Hi

glad you found some folk to share and who understand. I totally agree it helps. When I am well enough I have a fybro mate who lives 70 miles away and we visit each other every month or so. He is the only one (appart from folk here) who understands what its like. The only time in my life ive ever been suicidal has been since developing fybro. It wasnt the constant pain, the feeling useless and worthless etc that did it for me. It was the govt making me wait nearly a year for tribunal after appeals and then the tribunal leaving me high and dry at the same time as losing my job (through illness worsenning) Its the welfare system Im stuck in that depresses me most. its the way that GP's have treated (or not treated ) me. Its that my employer (I was local govt business analyst in social care) whos whole ethos should be to promote independance and look after folk ditched me rather than empower me to work after years of service. Im still alive, and im deffinately still fighting, helping my fybro friend and family when I can. I cant say life is enjoyable, but I guess the fight has brought out my strong spirit, and I have learnt to turn that spirit into a fighting instinct against the govt and welfare system that has done so many wrongs to so many folk, the same one that employed me to make a "change" to folks lives. Since developing fybro Ive had to fight for everything that was taken for granted or not needed before. Fybro is building an army of fighters in my opinion. Before this I was a peacemaker, mild mannered and almost affraid of confrontation in any part of my life. Now Im a right "boudacea". A female welfare warrior. If I ever get physically well again, the fight will remain. The knowledge i am building will also remain.

Good you are on a positive Warm thoughts NN

[fleurmp]

Sadly depression is a part of fibro. I too am on anti-depressants and I suspect will be for the foreseeable future. They play their part in helping on a day to day basis, but this forum is also an important means of getting support. We are all here for you, all understand what you are going through and all of us will listen. Do you have someone you could talk to about how you feel. When I was at my lowest my husband insisted that I kept talking to him even though he didn't understand what I was going through, he still listened and was there with plenty of hugs. Our hugs may be virtual, but there'll be plenty of them winging their way to you. Suicide is not the answer, please keep fighting. xxxx

[nanatre]

I posted this week asking what is the point of carrying on. I swear if it wasn't for my grandchildren coming to see me I would t be here. I yearn for the old me. I am mourning losing me. I dread the mornings knowing the pain will still be there. I dread the nights. Constant waking, pain,can't turn over, waking my husband. Fighting for benefit that's rightly mine. Watching a young beautiful woman over the road drinking her benefit away. Knowing she is getting the benefits I should have when she chooses the life she leads, where I have no choice. Dreading what next year is going to bring. Less money, more stress, more pain. Life is so not fair. Even more so for people like us. X

[carmelj in reply to nanatre]

Hi, Im sorry you're in a bad place too have you spoken to anyone else about how you feel? as you can see from the comments lots of us have been where you are, please see your gp if you haven't, don't let it win. I know what you mean about life being unfair, I've never drank excessively, I've never smoked and I've never taken drugs, until I became a pescription junkie' but I've got bloody fibro and I've had cancer twice, when I see young people abusing their wellness I could slap them, but it won't change my problems.

You are not alone in this struggle reach out we are here, please try to speak to someone about how you're feeling. Suicide doesn't end pain it just transferes it to your family and I know none of us would wish our pain on anyone.

[fibro]

I often feel that i no longer want to be alive, but I see it as a different thing to suicide. personally i wouldn't have the energy in mind or body but I do believe after my GP referred me to the mental health department or IAPT it seems to be known as …..Improving Access to Psychological Therapies, that by saying that although I feel I no longer want to be alive I could never take my own life. so therefore now feel that I have been put at the bottom of the pile.

Due to other health issues it isn't possible to attend appointments all the time and i think telephone assessments for this type of problem is a waste of time. someone needs to see how you are not how you sound! so their ''next steps'' is to send out assisted self help work books where they are supposed to phone you to go through them…but get this…. there is a 6-8 week or more wait for them to even start sending the books out.

when i was asked the question can i read and write, may be i should have said no!!!

This is about the only help they say they can offer me……and our area won some award for their excellent service!!!! I haven't seen much of it yet, it surely couldn't have been to help people in our situation.

I know there are waiting lists for everything, but when someone is trying their best to help themselves surely they must be able to see by making you wait even longer it is going to make the problem worse.

I agreed to the referral as although the meds were helping one thing, they were causing another which happened to be blurred and double vision, so that has now stopped me driving, not that i ever went far but it may have got be to see a mental health nurse as none will come out to see me, but as i cant do that and the longer they don't comply the longer and the worse my problem will be. its bad enough the pain i live in daily, but to now be mentally unstable too, who wants to live like this?

I have done my bit and have asked for their help now, and as it isn't forth coming, i cant stay the way i am forever, mentally I mean…. the pain we have to learn ways to live with it, so i have asked my GP for a referral to a consultant psychiatrist. i don't know if he will be able to get me one as there is so much red tape nowadays……. but may be, had i said i felt suicidal in the first place to the IAPT service may have been teated me better. so much for being honest! I was bought up to tell the truth and it wouldn't have entered my mind to lie to get help from a service which I thought was there to help me!

If some one asks you how you feel, what are you meant to say?

With every day 'joe public', its often easier to just say fine thank you, as that's the way I was bought up… people don't want to hear how you really feel, but if its someone from the medical profession when you say you no longer want to be alive and believe me it took a long while before i would even tell my husband, let alone tell the GP, but when you live in pain every day its so irritating when all anyone says back is… 'what do you want to say that for, you have everything to live for'.

Well that only thing that keeps me alive is my husband and valium, but he cant help me. there is only so much he can do. he cant read my mind and its so tiring asking for this or that, that i feel all I am doing is taking his life away not mine…

I do agree though if you are in a position to meet up with others who understand the condition, but you don't want it to turn into a session where you are all talking of nothing but your symptoms…or get drunk for that matter as the meds and alcohol just don't mix!!!

I would like to think of myself as a fighter, I have had to be all my life for various reasons, but its very very easy to start giving in, so i just cant understand why help isn't more readily available to us…… it would be if we were druggies or alcoholics, but because our problem cant be seen or felt by others it doesn't seem to matter

sorry to go on, but the title of this threat caught my eye…….. I don't want to be 'here' in this body but i certainly don't want to commit suicide.

sending gentle hugs to you all as I know i need them xxxx

[carmelj in reply to fibro]

I'm so sorry for all you're going through, life is tough but life with fibro is tough, with a malfunctioning head, body and emotional unbalance. (I now have mood swings because of fibro and cry for no reason, apart from having a terrible illness. I used to think I was going mad, but now I acknoledge its just bloody fibro.). You have to keep digging deep, fibro doesn't happen to weak people, they couldn't cope. I have been in the darkest place myself, but suicide doesn't end pain, it just passes it on to others, who are left.

When people ask how you are, they're rarely interested and rarely understand fibroites, so we smile and say I'm ok. Please try saying I'm struggling a bit today to be honest, sometimes someone listening makes that difference.

Can you try different anti depressants? there are lots, but the pescribe the cheapest that works for most people, well we're not most people so they often cause us problems well people don't get. I know how hard it is to perserve, make another appointment with your gp, if you feel you can and admit the worse, as you can see form the comments its a place a lot of us get to and there is no shame in admitting it

Fibro is a swine but if we stick together and keep fighting we can get some life back, the hardest thing is accepting it, something we all struggle with that your life has been taken and you feel like you've been put in the blender every day, but please dont let it defeat you. we're all here in hyoperspace lean on us, those of us who aren't too bad today will take the strain, because fibro only happens to nice people.

[theshadow]

I've finally summoned up the courage to see my GP on monday as I am feeling so down lately. I've already typed the letter out to give him as I know I'll only be able to get half a dozen words out before blubbing like a nutter! I have had bad reactions to many drugs since having Fibro. I don't want anti-depressants, just someone to talk to before I go off my head! I hope he can arrange counselling for me to pour my heart out, something I can't do to family or friends, as we all know they don't really understand us.

I often sit & cry, can't be bothered to get showered & dressed til mid afternoon, & watch daytime TV which will leave anyone braindead!

It really does help to know we are not alone. I wish everyone not only less pain & discomfort, but truly hope we can all somehow find peace of mind! That is the hardest thing to live without.

Gentle hugs to you all xxx

[Hidden in reply to theshadow]

Well done Shadow for summoning up the courage! It's not easy, but hopefully will be worthwhile. It's a great idea to write or type out what you want to say, our heads do have a tendency to go to mush the minute we stagger through the doorway, it happens to me all the time!

Reiterate that you feel you need counselling, I hope it all goes well for you. Please let us know how you get on, take care and please know we are all here for you as we are for each other and we all understand. (((hug)))

[Cat53]

Hi all, I know it's easy for me to say, ( being hale and hearty and all) but do any of you do the ' ten good things that I noticed today' thing. It can be anything from seeing a bubble, to doing up a button easily. Its easy to be trapped in a bleak cycle, and it is the little tiny things that can make life a bit more bearable. Just think them in your head ( through the fog) if possible!

[theshadow in reply to Cat53]

I do see the good around me. I was lucky enough to go to the paralympics. The athletes are awesome & they make you feel humbled. Then I felt guilty being depressed about "my lot in life", which makes me more depressed! It really is a vicious circle that I now think I need professional help to break.

[nanatre]

I had an online row with a woman that said why are the disabled saying the government are like Hitler when they can win gold at the Olympics.

I rowed that she wouldnt find a Fibromyalgia or an ME sufferer there. She said I was only complaining cos I felt picked on and I should try spending some time with someone that has lost both their legs. You know? I might be able to handle life better if I had lost my legs. I am not putting amputees down, but, oh I dont know. I just think we are in worst place.

I have had my meds and tend to ramble so I will shut up. I know what I mean x

[Hidden in reply to nanatre]

I know what you mean too Nanatre. We have an invisible illness and this is one of the main problems because people can't see our pain, can't feel our exhaustion etc.

I am not saying an amputee has it easier because physically of course they don't, but people can see their hurdles in life because they are obvious, ours aren't. I am thankful I have my legs and can't imagine how awful it must be to be an amputee - it shows that woman's ignorance because the analogy is incomparable.

I don't blame you for getting angry, it can be so frustrating sometimes can't it.

[jaccoz in reply to nanatre]

i know just how u feel xx

[nanatre]

Thank you Liberty for understanding what I meant. I dont know how to word things sometimes and hope I havent offended anyone, I really didnt mean any malice xx

[Hidden in reply to nanatre]

Please don't worry Nanatre, it's hard sometimes finding the right words. My hubby has got to the stage where he sometimes interprets what I'm saying because the words come out all jumbled up and yet they make perfect sense to me at the time! Very frustrating.

We are all here for you, you haven't offended anyone, it's fine. Take care. Here's a hug (((x)))

[Extremelygrumpy]

Read all the comments on here totally agree with all of them .. I had a mad attack 2 years ago . Lost the plot and lost hours of time .. Found myself in hospital under police guard.. Apparently I had tried to take all my pills and pulled chunks of hair out. But it was such a bad experience hospital and police were totally unsympathetic I had my meds withheld so I missed 2 doses when I finally got home in the early hours of the morning I was in such pain I resolved if I ever got that low again I would never try to kill myself when people are in the house. I went to my lovely gp at that time and he put me on an anti depressant and muscle relaxant to take at night not so much for depression though it helps but together they scramble the pain signals from the pain to reduce it and for most of the time it works I get a good nights sleep ... Unless I get really stressed like now the pain is manageable. But my new gp is so awful I can feel my stress level rising .. Am going to change gps but am also scared to go and change in case I have to confront him at any time as to why

[carmelj]

Don't be intimidated by GP, if he's that daunting he isn't going to be any use. WE get hyper-stressed over nothing, so don't need any stress stimulus. I've changed Drs several times and when asked why I just say personal reasons. (ie you're crap). I've finally got a great Dr, who specialises in joint conditions and Fibro. when I go to see him, which is rarely,(because they can't help) he always says we'll rule out everything else before we say its Fibro. One of the problems with the blasted curse, is some Drs just blame everything on it, which is lazy and dangerous.

I'm sorry to hear how bad you felt, been there is secure ward, with Dr asking if I knew my name, I did but not sure he did! You've come back from brink and now know how strong you are.

I posted my comments to show to others who are in the blsckness, they are not alone, and ther is no shame in feeling that low, but most importantly, you can win through and the feeling will pass, just hang tough and believe in yourself.