Grieving my good health

When I feel well, as I did earlier this week I invariably go through the mental process of "Maybe there's not much wrong with me. I may be making a fuss for nothing. After all, I am 56 and nobody can be 21 for ever. I should just go and look for a job like ATOS wants me to."

Once a month between three monthly check-ups the dog's repeat prescription has to be picked up from the vet. Often I ask my half-sister to pick them up for me on her way home from her weekly overnight stay with her friend. It only takes her 5 minutes off her route so is no trouble. But, once again, we've had a row and I don't want to ask her. At least this time my Dad admitted he was aware of her baiting me so I'm not left with the usual double wound.

Back to the topic in hand. I decided as I was feeling well enough to get the bus that goes closest and walk the half mile or so to get to the vet (this is where I get paranoid that ATOS have been allowed by the government to hack the data-base and read that 'half-mile - then it's job seekers for me forever more. Read on ATOS if you're listening - I forgot, they never listen so nothing to worry about there). When I think of that walk, I was really just thinking of the first bit which is a straight line for about half a mile. I forgot about all the twists and turns and the final up-hill grind that makes it a couple of miles in all. The exact distance I walked to and from work for a couple of years listening to Dot Alison and Death in Vegas - music aimed at people at least 10 years younger - not only was I fit, I was cool too.

I got to the end of the first straight feeling breathless and with pains in my calves. By the time I got to the vet I was close to tears, wishing I could afford a taxi into town because there's no seat at the bus stop. I really wanted the receptionist to ask me if I was OK so that I could whine like a child and tell her how bad I felt. I could have lain down on the floor of the vet's waiting room with it's smell of cheap but deadly disinfectant mixed with unmentionable things.

By the time I got home to my dad's I could barely speak, slept from 6 until about midnight on the sofa, went to bed and slept until 5 pm the yesterday. I managed to fall asleep ago around midnight last night so got up at 9.30 just in time for my lovely befriender - yes, befriender - but that's another blog.

Ever since I got back to my Dad's on Wednesday, every waking moment has been filled with sadness for the loss of the ability to walk a couple of miles and with it - what feels like the loss of my whole life. I'll perk up again, but why don't I learn that I have fibro, I do this over and over again! I just don't want it. It can buzz off - is the politest thing I can say!

[Hidden]

I'm sorry to hear that, because I'm sure we all can feel for you (empathise) becuase we have all been there, did you feel healthy before you set out? I find if I wake up feeling especially out of it and weak, I always regret (mostly anyway), two mins after I've left home, and I understand so much that feeling of knowing you were'nt capable of coming home without transport, God love you, could the vet not deliver the perscriptions, if he knew you were'nt unwell? I simply try and not put myself in those situations, but I know you could'nt help it, anyway hope everything works out, why do you talk to your sister in law if she always fights with you, I'm afraid I've been too good in the past of cutting out anyone argumentative out of my life if that's all they want to do, but maybe she starts on you?, just tell her to go to hell.

Sorry not interfeering take care love hope your terrible pains and weakness eases, love Claire xxxxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Decision made to change dog to vet that is just a short bus ride away. The vet will post the pills but I really did feel I wanted to have the exercise.

Half sister is a lost cause. Nothing to salvage. I ruined her life by being born basically - and I can see she has a point which is why I've cut her slack for 50 years, but enough is enough.

Don't think you'r interfering at all claire. Just being caring.

Whippet xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Sorry Whippet,

Thought you said sis in law, do you sometimes find your mistaken in things that you see, I used to say in the past before fibro to my family when they were berating me jokingly when I forgot something or whatever "Do you think I'm stupid", don't need to ask that question now!

Thank you anyway love, feeling tired now take care love Claire xxxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I get everything wrong, keep trying to give shop keepers too much money which is not really on at the moment!

Whippet x

[Hidden]

hi there I understand that the walk triggered the blog but I feel that under the blog lies the message that says your nose has once again been rubbed in the fact that despite your inner denials you are sick. and the damn illness hides away until to feel fine then smacks you in the face when there is no help to be had and leaves you just wanting to lie down and die. I too have those days all too often it is so hard to believe you are ill on good days and when i say days i really mean hours because we all overdo it when we feel good and fall like dominoes. hope your mind set recovers soon thinking of you petal ps maybe i will write a verse or two just for you to make you smile again. flutter flutter

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I would really appreciate that blossom x

[Sammicat15]

hugs again to you Whippet. those legs pains are awful aren't they. with those and the numbness/burning chillblain sort of trouble with my hands, I never know whether to pat my head or rub my tummy! Being on the verge of tears when out and about is probably common to us. It's a nightmare and so soul destroying. I hope you can manage to pace yourself over the next few days and get some good stuff done amongst the humdrum stuff x

[Hidden in reply to Sammicat15]

Thanks sammi. The 'verge of tears' status is never far away at the moment. Dread a kind word because I'd fall apart x

[rosehip]

hugs for you , its awfull i used to walk my dogs every day twice a day but now my husband takes them and i do it just two mornings a week but dont go far xx

[Hidden in reply to rosehip]

I've had two pairs of whippets for almost 30 years in total but have had to give the remaining old guy to my 86 year old Dad because he is fitter than I am and can guarantee his walks. You know what dogs memories are like - they don't remember that they every even lived with me and won't even come into my house because needing animal love I got a cat who turns out to be feral born and beats the shit out of him. I needed my whippets and now I only visit one that has become my dad's. It really isn't fair I had to give up them but fibro isn't fair is it!

Whippet x

[willowmuse]

((((hugs)))) To You whippet, i know you dont know me as yet (hoping that will change :)) as i am a newbie, but i know exxactly how you feel, i am 40yrs old and have to use a crutch to get anywhere. I dont go out on my own anymore as the last time I did i feel on the steps which lead down to my flat, which is now why i am facing surgery on the 25th because i fell on the hand i had joint replacement in My mum says all i need is to get out abit more and i will feel better....haha, Dont see her offering to come with me though, even though she has seen me passed out on the kitchen floor ambulance crew all around me because my legs went from under me!!!!!

I get down more and more often, because i remember how I used to be befor this dam illness took its toll, i walked everywhere, loved country parks, and all that, the last time i went to a country park, it was a beautiful day, i was pleased with myself that i had managed it (this was a year ago) got into the car to come home, had to stop on the way to go to the ladies and could not stand up, my legs just would not move, people were staring, and i just cried, i had never felt so scared or vuneruble in my ife, i have not been to one since, my symtoms i could just about manage, and i didnt think i had pushed myself that hard that day, forgot all about my limitations, then the reality hit me, i still have goods days all though not many and i think i can do everything like i used to and its so fustrating when you cant. Its even worse when I do go out with a friend and a lady of 70 walks faster than me I cant walk properly and i have fibro, Same as you in a way, i am trying to accept it but not very well. Sorry to waffle on everyone

[Hidden in reply to willowmuse]

Lovely to get to know you better muse, and thanks for 'getting' it so completely. I often PM people when I'm getting to know them better so why don't you send me a big long email and I'll do the same. Well as long as you have the energy for at least.

Gratefully, Whippet x

[theshadow]

I do so hope u can get ur mind to accept u have limitations SOME days. I say that coz we have to beleive we will have some gd days in with the bad. I, like u & many others, r stuborn & refuse 2 give in 2 fibro. But sadly by doing this we r sometimes our own worst enemy!

I call myself theshadow on here, because I feel a shadow of my former self. We have 2 accept our own limitations, as do our friends & relatives. Coz fibro changes hour 2 hour, not even day 2 day, & is not visable, that is wot makes it so difficult for all 2 deal with.

Don't give in, don't give up, & try & get the balance right 4 YOU!

If u manage that, let us all know how, coz I'm still trying! LOL!

With gentle hugs & caring thoughts xx

[Hidden in reply to theshadow]

Thank you so much Shadow, that helps more than you know.

I will let you know if I solve the problem of living with fibro - hell I'll go on Oprah and write a book.

Whippet x

[theshadow in reply to Hidden]

Hi whippet,

So glad my words helped, this place is a godsend. Even just reading other peoples thoughts & experiences helps you feel u r not alone. Nobody understands us better than us.

It must have been heartbreaking giving up ur dogs. My retriever keeps me going. I now have 2 drive 2 the playing fields, 2 far 2 walk now, & have our "plod round the park" !

I'm not as steady on my feet as I used to be. Fell a couple of weeks ago & hurt both hands, waiting 4 an op on my shoulder where my dog & another gave me a "flying lesson" last Sept.!

My husband said getting another dog was the worst thing we've done, I say It's the best, as she makes me go out & is such gd company So sorry your cats not too friendly, they can be very indepentant souls.

Take care of urself, allow urself some PLOM time, (poor little old me!) & take some time out to do what u enjoy, not what u feel u should b catching up on!

Gentle hugs, the shadow.

[Hidden]

i know you feel so alone at times and having even a crabby siseria better thqn no sister to talk to. but it isNOT i had to turn ny back on three of my own children because of the way they wereverbally attqcking and undermining me i grieved them as you would a triple death. but looking back i now realise that i am me i can be me yesi am sad they no longer are in my life but i have found that their carping was causing me damage.

I wake up on gooddays and thinkhey I can be me just as i was meant to be.

I live alone with two cats and some gold fish.

and have realised you are born alone and you will die alone even with people around you you are still alone with your thougts. so i am learning to like me and accept my faults as i am human not god.

i am rambling herenot normal for me so i hope you get the message

petal