Dating with Chronic Illness- HELP?!

[UndercoverHippie]

Hey all!

I suffer from Fibromyalgia, Mechanical back pain, etc. and at this moment I am absolutely heartbroken. About 4 or 5 months ago I met an amazing man. It was like the stars aligned and everything that I wanted from life was what he wanted (I want to see the world to the best of my abilities, I love nature and seeing beautiful places but can’t go for walks lasting hours but he is very active, going to brazillian ju jitsu, canoeing, etc.) When we met, I was very transparent about what I go through and didn’t hide it from him at all, warning him of my worries because one thing he wanted out of a relationship is to backpack through South Africa for 8+ months before coming home to settle down in our own home. This sounded like a dream to me as I have always wanted to travel for a few months at a time to really absorb the country and culture, and despite worrying about the backpacking part, he assured me that there would be plenty of days for rest and relaxation, which eased my mind a little. He told me he wanted to do hikes up volcanoes and stuff and I told him that I would be willing, it would just take longer and we would have to take plenty of breaks, which he seemed fine with. It wouldn’t be at least a year before we would be able to go anyway and I was going to start going to the gym, building strength, Vo2 levels, and endurance in preparation for this and to make sure I am in the best shape for my future. Speaking of, we planned a whole future together, everything lining up so well and on paper we were so compatible and similar in so many ways from silly things like both eating with our knives and forks the “wrong way” to big, important things like wanting a homestead and to homeschool children if we have them.

Over the past month and a half I have brought the same conversation up three times and nothing has changed between them. I know I should have ended things the first time it came up but I was falling for him and you do stupid things when that is the case. I am going to put it bluntly but he was much softer and kinder within the conversations, I assure you! It all started when I sensed that he wasn’t telling me something that was on his mind and gently dragged it out of him to tell me. He doesn’t want our kids to have the same conditions as me and there is a lot higher chance of them developing it because my siblings have the same problems too. I understand this and have even had the internal moral battle myself of the fairness of having children to have that experience in life whilst potentially selfishly condemning them to the same fate as myself, which has been no easy feat and cost me platonic and romantic relationships, made me question my abilities and my future to the point of wanting to end it all and I am not at a place in my life where I feel like the good qualities of living barely outweigh the bad.

He has also said one of his concerns would be not being able to travel how he wants to, to being limited in the things he wants to do. It would kill me if I ever held anybody back in life so it’s not something I can argue against, I can only warn as much as I have and pray that they think I am worth it.

We have broken up and we spent time together around that time because we didn’t want to let each other go, we spent most of the time crying and holding each other, knowing that the end was coming and neither of us actually wanted that but I could never forgive myself if I held him back and resentment built as a result. He told me on the day we parted for good that he has fallen for me (I told him I didn’t want anything left unsaid) and I told him I had fallen for him too. He said I was the best girlfriend he ever had, I have treated him so well and that he doesn’t want me thinking poorly of myself because of this because it isn’t true.However, how the hell do I not internalise this? It is almost worse that he told me he had fallen for me, because how can you leave someone you love just because you can do things exactly the way you wanted them? On one hand I find it admirable because he has the self preservation to know what he wants and go after it, even if that means breaking both our hearts. On the other hand I have been told by multiple people that it seems like a cop out. I am in the thick of my emotions as this has only happened a few days ago and I am all over the place so I don’t know how to feel about it, I am just confused to be perfectly honest.

Anyone have any advice on moving forward? Obviously I will not be going back into the dating scene any time soon, but does anyone have any advice for me? I am worried that this ill only happen again, and what if it happens later down the line when I am fully 100% both feet in? I am so scared to give my all for nothing. And if anyone has any advice on getting over my current situation I would appreciate it <3

Thank you so much for reading this far, and especially if you have left advice, you don’t know how much it means to me <3

[VS1955]

Hi! So sorry you are going through this, but I'm really struggling to understand why he's walking away if he loves you? Love should be unconditional. I suffer mobility issues and can't get around like I want to, but my husband helps me all the time and is always checking if I'm OK. Hopefully your chap will realise what he's lost and come back, true love always wins through.

Best of luck...xxx

[UndercoverHippie in reply to VS1955]

Hey there! Thank you all so much for you responses! They all helped me look at things with different perspectives and there has been a development!

I messaged him about some books I had of his, seeing if he wanted them back and then he straight away asked to call me. We decided to meet up halfway (We live a 2.5 hour car journey away from each other) and we went for a small walk into a woodlands to talk about everything.

Long story short- we are back together now and stronger than before by a country mile! Neither of us know what the future holds but we have decided that the other is more than worth the risk because we have such strong feelings for one another, we get on so well and we would be doing ourselves a massive injustice if we didn't fight for this at least once!

Short story long- I am so very happy, especially to hear that he had been feeling the same as I did (Can't eat, Can't sleep, Can't concentrate) which make the next sentence unsurprising; For the first time we've told each other that we love the other <3 We've discussed travel plans and will be making reasonable adjustments for me, he has bought me a gym membership in his town so that I can carry on trying to better my physical health as much as I can with the cards I've been dealt (which was part of my plan regardless of our relationship status)

We are going into this eyes wide open, knowing that there are going to be challenges posed in the future and we've tried to plan as much as we can accordingly to mentally prepare- I mean, You never know what is going to happen or how you will react to it at that time in the future anyway, but I feel safe in the knowledge that we will be doing all the compromising and steps needed to get through it together.

Thank you all again for your input, you have all been so helpful in me finding some respite and hope before this development <3 Have a wonderful day and I wish you all the luck in your future endeavours <3

FibronewbieJab RustyOBear Purplebluebell Whiteclouds Al10 KimiJay

[VS1955 in reply to UndercoverHippie]

So happy to read this, see, I told you true love always wins through! 😀❤️ Good luck moving forward xxx

[FibronewbieJab]

Hi, sorry but I reflect the same sentiments as VS1955. If he truly loves you as he says he does, he would make sacrifices for you. As you have not told him he has to give up his dreams, but you have said you would love to share them with him. You have already started to change things in your life to be able to share those dreams with him.

As for having children together, there is no 100% guarantee that any child could inherit a disability from either parent.

Personally I think he is a very selfish person, and you however are not. You were willing to give 100% of yourself, whereas he was not. Me and my husband are like chalck and cheese, but we are both 100% committed to each other. We both have different dreams in life, and we both at times either follow those dreams together at the best of our ability, or we do not stand in the way of each other and let each other follow their dreams alone.

Do not give up on love, there will be someone that will love you 100% and support you. They may be the complete opposite to you. Sometimes those relationships work out better than someone who is like you in every way.

And if he does love you as much he says he does, he will soon realise what he has lost.

I hope you soon find Mr right. XX

[RustyOBear]

Well first and foremost I think it admirable that you have both been honest and open with each other, despite the painful outcome.

It sounds like a whirlwind romance that got very deep, very fast and that intensity and initial promise makes the break up equally strongly felt.

Ideas of what ‘love’ should look like are not helpful, you need support and compassion right now and to treat yourself with kindness so that you can begin to heal.

I think some counselling may be useful when you are ready, to help now with the painful experience of an ended relationship but also how you negotiate future relationships, and how you handle your fibromyalgia and back problem challenges.

Virtual hugs on their way to you.

[Purplebluebell]

Hi, Love is unconditional, we can't help who we fall in love with. What is the problem with him travelling and then perhaps at a later stage going somewhere you can cope with?

When I was very ill with Fibro in my 30's my then husband became so stressed he needed to get away from me. I let him go and he travelled. On his return we were together for years and our break up had no connection.

I'm now in my 60's my second husband is slowing down as late 70's. I do what I want within reason and he is pleased for me. It makes no difference to the relationship apart from being sad he can't walk as far.

But, I modify what I do with him now so he see's what I've seen on a scale he manages.

Take care.

[Whiteclouds]

Hi so sorry to hear what has happened but these things happen in life don’t despair if it’s meant to be it will be if not then move on with your life give yourself some time to heal and learn from this experience not everyone can cope with our health issues. When one door closes another one opens when two people love each other they don’t leave so although you felt this was the real thing his love for travel was greater than his love for you , go back to dating when you feel stronger don’t let this stumble get you down there is someone for you out there so don’t give up. I know as I thought no one would want me and having lost my husband early in life to cancer and being on my own for twenty years living with fibro and a faulty heart circuit I too thought no one wants me I’m broken, but decided I didn’t want to spend any more Christmases on my own and took the plunge. I was surprised that some men even wrote to me I met three the first two met me but we’re not to be the third man was so happy to see me and 8 years on we are still together he knows my health problems not for one minute did he want a lady with health issues but he’s still with me and helps me when I’m in pain. So don’t despair keep strong and I wish you happiness in whatever you choose to do with your life.

[Al10]

I think lots of relationships don't survive outside the Bubble. I think when others pressure us to think sensibly instead of with our hearts, what was so indescribably magical and amazing seems foolish and we can't defend it. We start to look through another person's eyes and see as they do, the pitfalls and pain ahead.

I'm sorry if this has happened to you. I do believe people can find magic and make a life together but it only works when you believe. You can't question too hard the magic? So much of life doesn't make sense, so why can't you two have your dream? Well, it looks like you can't because he got scared and now can't see the dream anymore, just trouble.

I think you will have to go through the processing and healing and while you do, wish your friend well. Don't stop believing the world has magic for you. and don't forget it can't deliver magic if you wont trust and believe?

I see partners leaving people for the younger fitter option or just to be free and then life has it's surprises for them. In life you often attract what you think you don't want. There's probably a lesson it it?

Stay kind. And don't stop believing.

[KimiJay]

So sorry and so sad for both of you but suggest talking over that his going away might be a break to find yourselves. In the weird inner world on NDE sites many are now encountering a Soulmate who has been just that many times. More cynically, in this one, a small increase in serotonin full foods in your diet could help smooth out some of the big emotions and love sickness (and emotional suffering). - There is a word for this state of mind of being in love but big brain fog is saying I can't access it. Begins with 'I' I think.

Send your friend off to increase his understanding of the world. It's what blokes do and it's an act of love on your part as is still a way of nurturing the soul of him. Your being a stable presence back home might give him more strength to cope with the unexpected and your present home community could be more important to you and you to them than you know. Both of you will grow and have stuff to share. Hope you can work this out and still value what each other has to give the world. Hugs and hope to you. xx