Argument with boyfriend over his snoring and my sleep

[chronicallychloe]

Hi guys,

I’m hoping someone is awake to give me some words of comfort or advice as I’m at my boyfriends apartment right now, it’s all one room so no way I can get away and I’m feeling really upset as we’ve had an argument. Reason being, as I stated in my last post about this problem, I’ve been only getting a few hours sleep when sleeping with him due to his snoring. I took my mums advice to give him a nudge this time when he starts snoring (on his side) which some of you also suggested- I did this twice and he had a go at me saying I’m stopping him from sleeping and he needs his sleep. I understand that, however there is no thought to the fact that my sleep is just as important. He also had a go at me over the fact that I cannot just fall to sleep as I have problems sleeping and it takes me a very long time to fall asleep and staying asleep is a problem too and this is to do with my meds but also in general and I’ve always had this problem and he is aware of this but can’t seem to get his head round it and holds it against me. I’m at my wits end because we aren’t even a long way in yet and it’s already causing big problems. I spent hours the other day researching and doing tests to find which snoring aid would help him best, entered all information like height and weight etc and put lots of effort in and sent it all to him and said please make sure you get the correct kind as this is what’s ‘strongly suggested’ for you specifically and he went and ordered something completely different. Now I was happy he made the effort to get something, however he didn’t take on board what I said or my effort at all. I have no idea when it will come as he never answered me properly and I’m just really struggling. It’s making me so upset, tearful, frustrated, painful and exhausted. My last relationship was very toxic and he is very different from that, however the fact that he believes his sleep is more important than mine and doesn’t consider the fact that I have spent countless nights unable to sleep and getting three hours max when I finally pass out in my own spare room or none whatsoever when I’m at his place even though I have told him me getting sleep is just as important. I know he has no idea what it does to my health and pain but he’s not even taking it into consideration at this point. I’m currently stood outside smoking (I know I know- I don’t smoke usually or regularly only once every few months or so) as I cannot stand to be in there with his snoring any longer at this moment in time and getting myself more and more worked up as it’s just making the pain worse. I know smoking in general makes it worse too but I need some distraction right now and am fully aware I’m not doing myself any favours here so don’t need any criticism I may get for that however I’m desperate for an escape for a few moments. I’m in another city and cannot work so it’s not like getting a taxi home is an option. I’ll add that his snoring is VERY loud, I could cope with normal snoring and get used to it but there’s no way this won’t stop being an issue and until the snoring aid comes (if the one he went and ordered it even works) then I’m still stuck. Because of his work it makes it difficult on him if he can’t stay at mine if me comes to see me and the only option there is to ask him to sleep in the spare room as I need my memory foam mattress topper and heated blanket and cannot keep sleeping on the spare room mattress as I’m more sensitive to it and it leaves me in agony. It also means I won’t be able to stay at his and I’m worried we will barely see each other. Just need some friendly words of advice or some understanding as I know I’m not just overreacting and I feel so exhausted and have no idea what to do right now x

[Hidden]

Hello and good morning to you.

I'm so sorry you are such a bad situation here. Do you think he would go to the Drs and be referred to ear, nose and throat as there could be something that is making him snore so loudly. Also, what about recording him and playing it back to to show how loud he really is. I'm sorry I can't think of anything else but I'm sure someone will be along with other suggestions. I sincerely hope something can be sorted very soon. Love and hugs Lynne xxxx

[chronicallychloe in reply to Hidden]

I’m going to ask him again whether he will go to drs. I’m worried for his health just as much as mine, probably more. Already have recorded and played it back to him, clearly didn’t make much of a difference I’m afraid. Going to get into bed now instead of sitting on sofa but won’t be able to fall asleep unless I pass out from exhaustion as I have done the other times. Thanks for your kind words, much needed. Sending love xxxx

[Hidden in reply to chronicallychloe]

Hi

Thank you. I'm sorry I can't think of anything else to help you. Love and hugs Lynne xxxx

[Bananas5]

I noticed on your profile you are 18 and you said there is an age gap between you and your partner. How old is he?

This snoring is clearly a serious problem to you and you don't think he is being honest in trying to resolve it. I wonder if he has had previous relationships which have ended due to his snoring?

You say it is early in your relationship with him and sadly i feel it will escalate to a much bigger problem.

Lack of sleep on your part is going to make your health worse and your mood less tolerable. It does with able bodied people and so much worse for you.

There have been some good suggestions on your previous post. If he isn't prepared to at least make some sort of compromise then only you can decide if there is any future in continuing with him

x

[chronicallychloe in reply to Bananas5]

He’s 37. Thanks, I know but then it makes me feel so bad because he looks after me so well and to be honest I haven’t been with the nicest of guys before him x

[Bananas5 in reply to chronicallychloe]

He's probably quite set in his own ways at that age.....you are still very young. I would worry about you seeing a man twice your age no matter how caring he can be

I notice you are doubting he will go to GP.

Please think very carefully about this relationship. You have been hurt before and as they say....out of the frying pan into the fire

x

[chronicallychloe in reply to Bananas5]

His age is actually an amazing thing as every guy I’ve been with my age is not after a commitment and has used abused and traumatised me. He is set in his ways but he is mentally mature whereas guys my own age are not and he is at the point in his life where he’s invested and serious. My parents love him and think his age is an amazing thing too haha. I can’t really explain it but does that make sense? X

[bobbybobb]

It would be to much to bare for me, I would kindly say Bon Voyage. Failing that ask is he willing to go the GP and go as a couple so you to can explain the problems it is causing. x

[chronicallychloe in reply to bobbybobb]

He’s said he now will go to the gp thank god. But don’t know if that will happen x

[YASMINTINA FMA UK Volunteer]

Hello there, it would pay him to get a doctors appointment and a referral for sleep clinic at hospital to be checked, my family said I was making horrendous noises, it turned out I have sleep apnea which left untreated can cause other health issues, then if that appointment goes okay perhaps a referral to ear nose throat, I was the other way round saw consultant for a deviated sectum in nose, had operation but it was the sleep apnea after all, Nothing worse than snoring it gets you down but if he can get checked for a piece of mind. Take care xx

[chronicallychloe in reply to YASMINTINA]

I think I’m just gonna have to sit him down and say every health condition it may be and the consequences of them and drill it into him. Thank you for sharing, that’s really helpful xx

[Bananas5]

Totally agree.

How many of us at 18 were blinded by love? Add someone prepared to 'care' for you then that's almost perfect.

x

[Anne-Elise]

He will not change.

Run fast and don’t look back.

[Midori]

It is a large age gap between you. He is used to directing his own life, and may well resent you trying to help.

If he isn't supporting your need to sleep as well as his own, then I'm afraid I don't see a great future for you as a couple.

Sorry to appear harsh, but I really think you'd be better off without him, for both your own heath's sake, and his.

[chronicallychloe in reply to Midori]

Thank you for the tough love, for more reasons than one, I have decided to take a break anyway. I’m so glad to be having sleep, I don’t sleep well anyway and am in and out of sleep most of the night, however the quiet and chance to sleep is quite frankly amazing and I feel a little less drained come morning

[Bananas5 in reply to chronicallychloe]

XXX

[Cb1963]

I think I've posted a message or two before to you, sleep is more important than a relationship, you are still young, yes you might be getting treated like a princess, but you'll end up having arguments, and then that can escalate,if you have health issues, just gently let him down and say you didn't realise that your health was being so badly affected and you need to move back with your mum maybe, you'll end up driving yourself round the bend,I ended up in the same situation, I couldn't cope with no sleep,I had to find my own place, its sounds selfish, but you are questioning your own sanity, sleep,sleep, sleep,its part of life!

[bear4ble]

You could look at Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life on Youtube. Might be of some value.