What would you do ???

Hello everyone hope you had a good chrimbo and are not too over loaded with the dreaded carbs ??. I am in a dilemma in that my neighbour who is a lovely person but if she can get out of doing something that involves telephones e-mails texts etc etc then she will.

I was involved on her behalf in July 2016 in that she is in social housing and she pays a service charge every month that includes heating, water, but not her rent as that is paid seperatley The heating in her flat was not working and on contacting the housing association they sent out a contactor who told her the boiler was totally defunct and not repairable and that they would have to fit a new boiler, but in the mean time she would be without heating but as it was warm weather she was not really bothered but it took them over 1 month to change it.

I told her that she should contact the housing people as she was paying for the heating element on her monthly charge but was not getting any heating she then went into the "Oh I cannot be bothered mode it is far too much trouble and complicated for me" So I did all the corresponding for her and got her a rebate of £125:00 in time for Christmas She has thanked me more than once and now she has said she wants to arrange a dinner for me at her house to say thank you My dilemma is that she is not the cleanest or tidiest person and her house is not somewhere I would want to stay for more than a few minutes and I am not being horrible I have been in side but could not stand it after a few minutes and made my excuses and left also a few people who know her have mentioned this and she has refused any help to have the house cleaned and many people are wary of trying to talk to her about her personal hygiene as she can get very very nasty in the wrong situations.

I have mentioned to her on several occasions that maybe it would be better if we invited a few more people and that we had the meal at the local pub/restaurant but to no avail and now she is really pressing me for a date of the evening where I will be free to go to her house.I have thought about giving her a date and then telephoning at the last minute to say I am unwell in the hope she will forget the whole thing.

I could kick myself at times for getting involved in other peoples problems.

Have a super smashing day Cheers Ian :.))))))))

44 Replies

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  • Walk away hun- people like that who don't appreciate YOu have needs are called controllers.

    Everything on their terms, that's no life for you, find out who her g.p is and write a note of concern and let them deal with her. She.ll have you cleaning next!!

  • 😂😂 caz-54 she will have you cleaning next. I'm like you Ian if house is a bit grotty I couldn't eat or drink anything I would say the only way I'll have a meal with you is if we go out for a meal as I'm not wanting you to go to any bother on my behalf. If she says no I insist, I'd just say well thanks for offer but no thanks. I must say it was very nice of you to help her out tho obviously you don't like people getting took advantage off. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ To you

    Take care xx

  • cheers lovey I will now discard the brush and mop I bought last week !! :<<)

  • Oh dear what a pickle!

    You get involved in other peoples problems because you are kind and helpful, nothing wrong in that.

    As to your dilemma, well that is a hard one. What about a fish and chip supper from the local chippie? Or pizza? Suggest something already prepared from the chill cabinets in the supermarket, after all the meal is for" you both to relax not spending hours in the kitchen" If you put it like that she may be persuaded. Obviously a Viennetta or frozen cheesecake for pudding.

    Other than this, I don't have a clue, sorry :(

  • Hi it is the thought of trying to eat anything at her place as it is not very clean

  • That's tough! Trying to get out of it isn't going to work bc she'll ask again.

    Maybe you could say you have too many food intolerances and it would be too expensive and hard for her to cook for you and insist on going to a coffee shop and say you don't do this often and would really please you!??

    Good luck!

  • thanks for the advice.

  • Just say the offer is kind but it's nothing personal I just don't nabour but I will meet you at the pub for a meal it will get us both out of the house ,never do things that make you feel uncomfortable arrange something with friends give her a time and place and leave it up to her to compromise

  • Thanks for the reply Ian :>))))

  • You could tell her that you've started a complicated special diet for 2017 and it is not possible for you to eat out (have a look for an online diet or a special fibro diet. I did one that was gluten, milk and dairy free along with no nightshade plants. Sadly, it made no difference).

    My MIL was like that and we always took our own food. That's an option - plate it up ready and use your own cutlery!

    Alternatively, you could just say that it is very kind of her too offer, but you don't want to eat out (IBS is always a good excuse, if you need one). Just be firm! What ever you do don't weaken!

    Good luck! x

  • Cheers for the advice Ian :>))))

  • 😈😈😈 what are we all like thinking of excuses for getting out of doing something we don't want to do 😂😂😂 seems like we've all had to do it !! It also shows we are all kind hearted and don't want to hurt someone if we can help it. I think that speaks volumes. To much heartache in this crazy world we live in.

    Peace and love to each and everyone of you ❤❤ xx

  • Same to you too Ian :>)))))

  • Hello Ian. why don't you tell her you are a professional scrubber in real life and like going round peoples houses and cleaning them for free for fun, and also you have friends that like doing this as well, then you could all go round. Hope this is of help, I think exercise helps fibro as well. x

  • That has been tried believe me I think that she is just one of those set in her ways and nothing and nobody is going to change her...Oh well I will keep on hoping that something will come up !!! cheers Ian :>)))))))

  • some people have an illness where if you clean up for them, they can not cope with there place being tidy and clean. They have to make it untidy again. x

  • Hello I know her as do several others and there is nothing wrong with her on that side of things She is lazy and set in her ways believe me I and others have tried time and time again.

  • Oh Heliboy911 , Cheers from the US.....I know exactly how you feel.My neighbors were having car trouble and while their car was in the shop I let them use my car to run a few errands. He is a "Chef" and insisted he wanted me and OH to come for dinner problem is they have an inside dog, and the house smells so bad there is no way I could eat there.Ive put them off and they have finally quit asking and all is fine. I hope it works for you. Good luck!! Peck🐤

  • Hey Peck Merry Christmas (a tad late) from a very cold London. I know what you mean as her house is not very clean and the smell is also bad I could not for the life of me even attempt to sit in that place let alone eat anything I guess I should stop trying to be the local martyr as it always seem to backfire,

    "Happy New Year and best wishes for 2017" Warm regards Ian :>))))

  • Heliboy911 , Belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! I told my OH when all this was over , it's a shame you can't help people without added drama.We are going to have to realize we can't save the world. Lol Take care. Peck.🐤

  • Cheers Peck Happy 2017 Warm regards Ian

  • Hi Heliboy911 what a tricky one this is.

    Why don't you say something along the lines of you don't get to go out to eat very often and if it's ok with her the best present or thank you she could give you is a nite down the pub/ nite in local eatery.

    You were so kindhearted in helping her like you did and she clearly appreciates it,and wants to repay the favour, which is nice as some would just get to expect that.

    Alternatively you could either cook or get a meal from out ( doesn't need to cost a fortune fish n chips is fine)! invite her over last minute and ask her to bring a nice wine or beers or something.

    It may cost you a few quid but might save the embarrassing situation.

    Hope the situation gets resolved to,suit everyone.

    Take care.



  • Hey Crusee it is not the cost it is just that she insists that we eat at hers and no where else and as I have said both her and her house are not very clean and there is no way even sat with a gas mask on that I could attempt to eat anything.

    Cheers Ian :>))))

  • Aah looks like you have a real situation here.

    Well Ian,there's not much more you can do,you have been honest and up front and told her how it is.The next step is just going to have to be a flat refusal,at the risk of offending her but hopefully that will put an end to the invitations.

    I don't envy you.

    Take care.



  • Hi my friend

    That really is a tough one. I would never advocate plain lying but you could possibly amend the truth slightly by saying that you are very sorry but you really do not eat at other people's houses and flattered / grateful that you are, that you are not really bothered / interested in socialising as it is not your thing? Saying it very gently to her obviously!

    I want to sincerely wish you all the best of luck, and please take care of yourself.

    All my hopes and dreams for you


  • Cheers Ken Best wishes for 2017 Ian :>)))

  • Good luck my friend.

  • Heliboy911 if you don't want to eat at her house why don't you say you have friends coming to your house on such a date and ask her to come to that explain that you feel more comfy eating in your own home or if you don't want to eat her food say to her well I'll cook you organise the drink see how that works out. It is awkward I can see that maybe the truth if you feel like you can good luck xx

  • Mate I have tried that but she is one of those people if she gets something in her head then she sticks with it and it is very difficult to try and get her to change her ways as past friends have experienced and suffered for it.

    Just have to wait and see what transpires probably me wearing a gas mask for the meal..."Hugs and stuff" Ian :>))))))

  • Is it that bad tell her if your going for tea you only go on condition it's a spring clean of flat dinner take you mop bucket cloth and hoover with you hugs for Christmas xx

  • He he he I would love to do that but I am the proverbial chicken.

    Hugs for "2017" Ian :>))))))

  • How about developing a dust allergy, Ian ? Seriously I think I would just stress that you don't need any reward, and be really insistent. These situations are so difficult. Good luck with it, Hilary

  • Hi Hilary I have told her time and time again that it was no problem and her thanks are adequate enough but she is so insistent on making me a meal I have given up now and she is wearing me down to the point where I am going to say something bad but I will bite my lips !!

  • I'm with Ken and don't condone lying. If anything it'll lead to more mess and more lies. Be honest but tactful and no one need feel hurt. But you must decide what to say, as only you know the situation well enough. A few things to bear in mind are assertiveness and boundaries. Something we all need reminding of, often.

  • Thanks for the advice

  • Ian123 hye Ian, be nice sweety, grin and bear it and consider it points towards your halo, get in some indigestion pills if you like, and remember the old saying, no good deed goes unpunished. Seriously, don't hurt her feelings once its done maybe you could back off a bit if you feel that strongly, but this time, get on with it.

    Regards. Lyzzie and Buggles x

  • Hi lyzzie thanks for the advice but if you has seen her and her house you would understand why I do not want to go there let alone eat She is not ill mentally just one of those dirty people who shun all forms of help As for the backing off I do try but just seem to attract those that see me as a soft touch.

  • Heliboy911

    Hye heliboy911, gotcha. Don't call yourself a soft touch, you

    obviously a nice person. I must admit I am untidy, due to having a jack Russell tearaway, but not dirty. I love books too and they are

    everywhere, I guess there is a difference, your right to back away if you can, but is she going to let you? good luck with that. Nice to meet you. Happy New Year.

    Lyzzie & Buggles.

  • Same to you lyzzie and buggles hope 2017 is a good one for you

  • Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. You could indeed grin and bear it but I sense an emotional drain. Beware of those who get their little manipulative claws in and wont let go. I could be doing the lady a disservice. Good luck whatever you decide to do. :)

  • Thanks I could imagine that I am on a bush tucker trial whilst trying to eat at hers

  • Hi. You have got yourself in a right old pickle. I have done this so know we're your coming from. I said I'm sorry but I can't eat at your house because I have so many allergies and cannot take the chance of having a bad reaction. But thank you so much for asking me. And bought flowers. I was asked so many times I felt like I was being bullied but stayed strong. There was no way I could have eaten there. I don't think you should have to clean up her filth either she chooses to live like that. Hope you get it sorted. xxxx

  • Thanks I am sure I will even if it is going to the extreme of wearing a gas mask and surgical gown on my visit. Happy New Year Ian :>))))))

  • Hi, I'm with fibrofoggy, Look at all the time she is consuming from you,the anxiety it is causing you, don't fool & convince yourself there's not a way out. You've been kind enough to help her & she is repeatedly battering away at you. I don't think you should lie as it's an even bigger situation. I would say I'm really sorry but just forget the meal & please stop asking as I don't feel upto coming. Kind just wanted to help you, but now I need to look after myself & my needs & I feel like I'm letting you down because you're soo insistent & I shouldn't have to keep explaining how myself. I hope you understand, bless you & Thank you.

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