Oh how the tables turn from day to day.
Two days ago I was excited, my friend had spotted a job, just right for me. Volunteer co-ordinator position at an organisation focused on enabling people with varying degrees of disability. The role, miles away from the type of work im used to but the heart of the concept very close to my own passion. We sat and discussed the role, how to demonstrate transferring my skills and knowledge to be a candidate for the post, brain stormed ideas that I could bring to the organisation if I were hired. It felt good, it felt positive.. It felt achievable. Such a challenge that I would never have considered myself capable, yet my heart felt I was the right person for the job. My friends encouragement and faith in my ability was like medicine.
She set me some homework, I set myself some more. I went away feeling like 'this is it' finally something I can set my sights on.
The next day (yesterday) my daughter was sick from school. My daughter is quite hard work at the best of times, very demanding and never quite satisfied. So I had to cancel the appointment I had with my current boss (to discuss going back to work after having to take time off due to all this fibro semi diagnosis). I had to leave a message with another member of staff and she said she would get my boss to call me back... She still hasn't called me back a day later. Worry sets in. She's annoyed at me, she thinks my daughter is an excuse to not attend.. I don't like the job anyway... But I cant afford not to work. Worry sets in. I only have a small amount of savings to tide me over, my youngest daughters birthday is next week... I need to get on with applying for this job. Worry sets in. They won't hire me with so little experience, how can I apply for a job when nothing seems to fit around the constant changing needs of my kids, my youngest doesn't start school until September, I can't be flexible, what if they're sick, what if I fail... What if what if.
So last night I didn't sleep well, my daughter was well enough to go back to school, my boss hasn't rang me back, I've got the day off to myself.. No work no kids. A chance to get on with something.
I dropped my girls off to school and nursery without any problems. Phew!
Get back in my car, drive two minutes around the corner and have to park up. I don't know what I'm doing, my brain can't focus.. Kids, work, boss, money, birthday, job, application, reference for a friend, dinner, friend, application, job, birthday, money, boss, work, kids...
I need to talk to someone. Message a few friends... Everyone is busy, message my mom, no reply... Message a few more, no reply.. Call doctors.. Mine is on paternity leave, hang up. Call doctors back, order repete prescription, text NearlyHub.. He calls me back.
I'm shaking and crying because I don't know what to do and I don't know why. What's wrong with me. He offered to come and get me, he works an hour away and I feel like a burden. "I'm fine I'm fine, I'll get home".
He's worried, I can hear it, I feel bad. I say I'm fine, he says call me if you need me, message when you're home. We tell each other we love each other.
I drive home, shaking, mind going a mile a minute, tears streaming down my face.
What is wrong with me? I feel like I'm going insane