Melt down

Oh how the tables turn from day to day.

Two days ago I was excited, my friend had spotted a job, just right for me. Volunteer co-ordinator position at an organisation focused on enabling people with varying degrees of disability. The role, miles away from the type of work im used to but the heart of the concept very close to my own passion. We sat and discussed the role, how to demonstrate transferring my skills and knowledge to be a candidate for the post, brain stormed ideas that I could bring to the organisation if I were hired. It felt good, it felt positive.. It felt achievable. Such a challenge that I would never have considered myself capable, yet my heart felt I was the right person for the job. My friends encouragement and faith in my ability was like medicine.

She set me some homework, I set myself some more. I went away feeling like 'this is it' finally something I can set my sights on.

The next day (yesterday) my daughter was sick from school. My daughter is quite hard work at the best of times, very demanding and never quite satisfied. So I had to cancel the appointment I had with my current boss (to discuss going back to work after having to take time off due to all this fibro semi diagnosis). I had to leave a message with another member of staff and she said she would get my boss to call me back... She still hasn't called me back a day later. Worry sets in. She's annoyed at me, she thinks my daughter is an excuse to not attend.. I don't like the job anyway... But I cant afford not to work. Worry sets in. I only have a small amount of savings to tide me over, my youngest daughters birthday is next week... I need to get on with applying for this job. Worry sets in. They won't hire me with so little experience, how can I apply for a job when nothing seems to fit around the constant changing needs of my kids, my youngest doesn't start school until September, I can't be flexible, what if they're sick, what if I fail... What if what if.

So last night I didn't sleep well, my daughter was well enough to go back to school, my boss hasn't rang me back, I've got the day off to myself.. No work no kids. A chance to get on with something.

I dropped my girls off to school and nursery without any problems. Phew!

Get back in my car, drive two minutes around the corner and have to park up. I don't know what I'm doing, my brain can't focus.. Kids, work, boss, money, birthday, job, application, reference for a friend, dinner, friend, application, job, birthday, money, boss, work, kids...

I need to talk to someone. Message a few friends... Everyone is busy, message my mom, no reply... Message a few more, no reply.. Call doctors.. Mine is on paternity leave, hang up. Call doctors back, order repete prescription, text NearlyHub.. He calls me back.

I'm shaking and crying because I don't know what to do and I don't know why. What's wrong with me. He offered to come and get me, he works an hour away and I feel like a burden. "I'm fine I'm fine, I'll get home".

He's worried, I can hear it, I feel bad. I say I'm fine, he says call me if you need me, message when you're home. We tell each other we love each other.

I drive home, shaking, mind going a mile a minute, tears streaming down my face.

What is wrong with me? I feel like I'm going insane

[Mogi52]

Hi Sibbs, I'm so sorry you are having such a bad day, we all have days like this where we think how can we cope with everything going on in our lives just now. One thing to remember about having a dark day is that there is light at the end of it , the sun always rises at the end of a dark night . Don't be so hard on yourself, take one small step after the other , I know it's not easy , especially when it's the last thing you feel like and it all seems so overwhelming, one of my friends said to me last week to sit down and write down what I felt that day , the good and the bad , and also to write down what I needed to do, seeing it on paper actually made me laugh and cry and think what am I worrying about , life is hard and exhausting at times but you are not alone, sorry I can't be of more help, a good chat and a coffee is what you need right now with a good friend. Love and hugs to you, if you want to chat you can message me Sibbs, take care and I hope you feel better soon xxx

[Hidden in reply to Mogi52]

Thank you.

I feel like I've got a serious mental health issue. My partner is on his way home and I'm going to see another doctor..

I've been writing all morning just to get some of these never ending thoughts out of my head.

Thank you for your support. Hopefully next time I post I'll be in a better place.. Either that or confined to a mental health facility x

[lou106]

Sorry to hear you are in distress. You have a lot on at the moment. I can only suggest that you write things down in order of priority, that done give yourself a break until you feel more settled, and remember there is always someone around here so don't feel alone. Xx

[Hidden in reply to lou106]

Thank you so much

Your kindness and time are much appreciated. X x

[dondons99]

Hi Hun please don't worry you are going to be absolutely fine ok firstly you done the right thing by reaching out to talk to your husband secondly get yourself to the Drs and tell him about what's happened it seems to me you have so much going on and having fibro makes it worse, take a breather and sort one thing out at a time, I know it's easy for me to say, but it's the only way you will work through, you are a lot stronger than you think ok Hun I'm here if you need a chat

Take care sending hugs xxx

[Hidden in reply to dondons99]

Thank you so so much. My man came home, we've spoken to the doctor and I have an appointment in an hour. I've written down the repetitive cycle I seem to go through. What's good when it's good and what's bad when it's not.

My partner phoned my work and explained what's happening, that's another worry sorted. He's a 'can do' man... Very supportive.

I have two extremes to me.. Untouchable and wouldn't touch with a barge pole. Highs and very lows, this is coupled with a lot of fibro symptoms but I'm currently undiagnosed except for hypermobility and anxiety.. I think I'm a fibrous ball of mental and physical health issues.

Thank you for your support.

Let's see what the doctor says. I'm not in the mood to be fobbed off today x x x

[dondons99 in reply to Hidden]

You go girl but believe me your a lot stronger than you think, my husband is the same as yours, so glad you have someone supportive always here if you need a chat, Good luck get yourself sorted xxxx

[Hidden in reply to dondons99]

At first he was trying to suggest I was a sensitive person that wasn't enjoying work!! Cheeky sod!

After raising my voice, swearing a little and asking him to read everything I was writing to clear my head earlier, he actually started to listen.

I've got a bit of time off, a fair few referrals and am back to see him in two weeks.

I just hope I can get out of the cycle I'm in. Honestly I doubt myself so much, I don't feel like I know what's real.

Thank you for reading and listening and taking the time to show your support x x

[dondons99 in reply to Hidden]

Hey you that's really good having someone to talk will help you no end at the moment I am cbt to help with my anxiety and just talking knowing I'm not crazy lady has really help we are not alone there is so many people who have this, I'm glad your having test done please let us know how you get on.

Good luck xxx

[BlueMermaid3]

Hi Sibbs

Do you have a local MIND office in your town? I believe you can self refer yourself but I could check for you if you like?

MIND offer a safe place to talk your problems/issues through with a trained Counsellor.

Please, please don't be offended by my suggestion. I know it's helped me and all I want to do is try to offer you some help.

If you would like to know more please pm me and I can give you some more info.

I hope you're feeling calmer now. You are extremely lucky to have such a wonderful understanding partner

Xx

[Hidden in reply to BlueMermaid3]

Absolutely no offence taken and thank you for your kindness.

My doctor has referred me to 'time to talk' which is a similar organisation, he did a referral to a psychiatrist (to assure me I'm not mental, because I'm starting to convince myself I am) and to a sleep/respiratory specialist as my partner says I often stop breathing when I'm asleep. Hopefully something will account for me feeling this way and I can work on it to improve my situation.

I'm really grateful for all the responses to this. X x x

[BlueMermaid3 in reply to Hidden]

I'm so glad that you are getting the help you need and deserve. You may well have sleep apnea (sorry gone completely blank on the spelling!). If you are experiencing this many times during the night your lack of sleep will probably account for a lot of the way you are feeling. Some people with this condition can stop breathing many times over a short period. This would mean that you are not going into REM sleep which we need to replenish new cells etc.

I'm no doctor, but I suffer from this myself, and some mornings wake up so tired and exhausted I have to force myself out of bed. Add Fibro into the mix and it spells disaster 😁

Let us know how you get on.

Take care and be kind to yourself

Xx

[TheAuthor]

I am so sorry to read of how you are struggling and suffering today, and I want to genuinely wish you all the best of luck.

All my hopes and dreams for you

Ken