PLEASE advise

I live in a 2 bed large house on a hill in brighton even the garden is uphill, i pay bedroom tax as i have an extra room, it cost a lot to heat this house, I dont work so rarely go out, i can go for days without seeing or speaking to a human, just my pets, I have no family in the area, my children visit maybe 4 times a year but only 1 ever sleeps here when he comes, I have been offered to do a house swop in gloucester to a 1 bed bungalow, there is a wood burner and a forest so can collect wood to burn therefore save money, only 1 bedroom so save bedroom tax, garden is flat so easy to maintain, sadly my son wants me to stay here so he can visit as he likes the area and may eventually live here, my daughter has said as i have fibro i should get rid of my dogs as i will get days i cant walk them and thats unfair to them, get a flat so there is no garden to do, and that if i do move she wont visit much as she will be driving to work a lot and gloucester is farther away than brighton, (she visits on my birthday and maybe 1 other time a year, she has only stayed 1 night and i have been here 5 years) in gloucester i will have my niece who will be within walking distance from me and my nephew a few miles away, im hurt by my childrens comments especially my daughter, but this has also made me re think me move even though in the long run it will benefit me as it will save me money and no stairs or hills if my fibro gets bad , please i need advise on what you think i should do, part of me says move and they have to accept that, then another part says to stay and hope they visit more often and that the garden does not become a jungle as i cant do it

Thanks

20 Replies

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  • I think you should not be emotionally blackmailed into staying in a house that is not right for you, it sounds to me like this move would do you the world of good and make your life that much easier. I also just want to say please don't get rid of your dogs just because you may not be able to walk them, perhaps get a professional dog walking service instead, I know that my dog gives me the reason to get up on a morning and there are days when I am too ill to walk him but he is loved and we always play with his toys so he gets his exercise that way. At the end of the day you need to do what makes you happy xx

  • Hi Jill,

    Your post certainly gave me food for thought and made me extra grateful for my children. At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you, your children will then accept your decision and you will see them as often as you currently do or less, but you will be better off financially, better off health wise and far better off in terms of having people near you who show they care about you and can be there to help you on the really bad days. Your children come across as very selfish in your post and seem to be thinking of themselves rather than you.

    You should make a list of positive reasons to move and negative reasons to move and be totally honest with yourself. You are the one who is struggling to manage where you are so only you can make the decision about moving. Good luck with your decision and please keep us posted. Take care, Linda.

  • Both my husband and i have health problems and so our dog does not get walked as often as we would like but she knows that she is loved and is often happy with a ride in the car. i am sure that your dog will be happier staying with you than having to learn to live with strangers.

    Do what is best for you and not what other would like you to do.

    Sue

  • I would recommend that you should do what you want and what is best for you. I want to genuinely and sincerely wish you all the best of luck.

    All my hopes and dreams for you

    Ken

  • You need to look after number one....you!!! Family members tend to focus on what you can do for them and what they want. You must put your health and needs first. They will probably come around to the idea eventually xx

  • Please do what is right for you. Forget the children and their attitude, think of all the benefits the move would bring. God Bless You.

  • I'm recently diagnosed with Fibro & closeby in Shoreham by Sea. It's a tough call but I agree with several others encouraging you to look after No1. Your family will just have to 'get over it' if you move & I hope they will be more supportive & sensitive to your needs in the future.

    I don't have children & a needy parent so it's often tricky but I'm learning to deal with it. I'm having CBT to change my mindset & start looking at how I can manage this rather than it managing me. Maybe adapting our expectations is the key?

    If you'd like to get together for a coffee, I'm happy to drive over & pick you up or meet up somewhere. Isolation doesn't help us, I was a hermit for a while & am trying to break out! I've lost a very good job through all this but am going to struggle financially but Hey ho, I'll have to manage somehow enjoying a simpler life, appreciating other things.

    Take care & don't be a stranger, we are all here for you.

    I hope you manage to make the right decision for you & have a happier, more comfortable life wherever you lay your hat!

    Good luck x

  • I would like to meet up to have someone to chat to about fibro and also my move,

  • from the above, go for it and don't wait too long.

    Promises get broken, and if the kids say they'll visit, they may forget that a few months down the line when the novelty wears off ( I speak from experience). What's important is YOU. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity and I bet you'll benefit from the level access. Look after no 1 and don't let others bully you for their own purposes :)

  • Only thing I'd add here is that we have a wood burner and collect our own wood, and it is HARD. Dragging bags around filled with wood, splitting your own logs, going out in the cold and wet to collect it, plus you need to have enough dry wood saved up to start you off. I don't want to put you off, but when I'm having a flare up and there is no wood in the shed, it sucks to have to trudge off and collect it.

    Just something to bear in mind xx

  • Gosh, families can be so thoughtless and selfish. You should do what is best for you not for them. I live alone in a 1-bed council bungalow with a small garden. I have 2 dogs and a cat and I'd be lost without them. I have no children but my brother and his family live 10 miles away and I hardly ever see them. Having the dogs gets me out of the house every day and walking is excellent exercise for FMS especially when the sun shines. A walk in the sun really lifts your spirits. You meet so many people who are also walking their dogs and if I'm not able to go for a walk the dogs are very forgiving and they can play in the garden. You can get help with the garden. I currently pay a young lady to help me and the council can organise help if you are registered disabled. If you move to a new community, as I did, you might make new friends, get more support and feel less isolated. Good luck. I hope all works out well for you :)

  • Please don't give in to your children's wants, do this for you. It seems there are several things to consider.

    1 The need to move to a 1 bedroomed place.

    Well, financially that is a no brainer and less time doing the housework and the garden.

    2 Getting rid of the dogs.

    You love your dogs, you pay for their food and welfare and you exercise them when you can. You have not asked your children to step in so therefore it is non of their business. As has been said before dogs are a good icebreaker and a reason to get up and go out. You do what you can at the moment, why would that change when you move?

    3 Your children visiting.

    They don't seem to be putting themselves out to visit. If your son wants to move because he likes the area there is no guarantee he will visit more often. If your daughter has only stayed one night in five years, what is the point in keeping a spare bedroom just in case?

    4 Moving to a different area.

    Only you can decide if this is the area you want to be. You may miss the friends and neighbours where you are at the moment and it can be difficult to start again as we get older. On the other hand if there are several one bedroomed bungalows around the new area then you will most likely meet others in the same circumstances as you. If this bothers you then perhaps consider moving to a one bedroomed place where you live at the moment.

    5 Woodburner.

    This is a nice feature in a room but should not be relied upon for your total heating. It is lovely when lit but hard work collecting and cutting logs. They can be delivered at a price which you may be prepared to pay for the convenience but nothing beats flicking a switch and putting the central heating on.

    These are only my views and I cannot make your mind up for you, you must do what feels right for you.

    Xx

  • Brilliantly put. I'd add, you can always have a couple of fan heaters as back up. I do. And knowing the fibro monster's not too far off, I get stocks in when I'm well and can then weather most short times. Foggy has a wood burner and seems to do ok.

    Oh, and day or night, at times I retire to bed with a leccy blanket. Keeps me warm enough.

  • Do what is best for you not what is best for other people. From what you have written there is a lot I would like to say about your children. Do what is best for, as do not visit now, would it really be any worse moving farther away?

    Wishing you all the best, be strong for yourself take care xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Hi lill 121 I too live in Brighton and I too live in a2 bedroom property paying bedroom tax and I too have a daughter living in another country so don't see her very often so I understand where you are coming from. Your children sound like they are getting on with their own lives how they seem best for them and I think you should do also I am sure your children love you and when they have time to think about it they will see that you need to think about your own needs like they think about their own only you know what you need to make life easier and as for your dogs? Look into a good dog walking service? I wish you well in whatever decision you make x

  • Hi Jill121

    I totally understand where you are coming from and I really feel for you . I'm 36 and I've had fibromyalgia for over 4 years . My family ( 5 sisters & my dad ) have all but disowned me too . I get zero support from them and I never see them anymore either . The trouble is a lot of people do not understand fibromyalgia at all - or simply just don't want to . speaking from experience they just see me as a house bound moaning nobody who doesn't fit in with their life now . it's really sad I know . I've had to adjust to it in a big way .lucky I do have a great supportive husband & two great young children aged 8 & 9 who are my lifeline . You could try and talk to your family & print off helpful information & things about fibromyalgia to try and let them know how it all effects you . So that that they may begin to understand why you are the way you are & why you want to move . You may have already tried this .

    I tried & tried to make others in my family understand in so many ways but they still choose to not support me in any way shape or form .

    you have to choose what's best for you . If your family are selfish enough to not support you & come and see you when they can , then maybe it's their loss . you can not possibly stay in your house just for your family . They need to appreciate & understand your needs . As for your pets , your family saying you should get rid of them is disgusting . I bet a lot of the time they are your only comfort & are more loyal to you then most of your family are . I do see that maybe your dogs could do with some walking or exercise . Do you have any other dog owners in your street that could walk yours for you sometimes ? Could you afford a dog walker ? Some dogs are known for being more homely dogs and do not mind not getting as much exercise and maybe happy to just spend lots of time at home with you . Others need regular exercise . I guess only you can work that one out . I know how hard things can get & especially when you have no supportive family members around you .

    Does your family speak to you on the phone ? This can be one way of support & communication If they can not get to visit you , taking over the phone maybe helpful . That's if they will do that . My family won't . It's too much hassle for them .

    I do wish you the very best in what you decide to do . Just remember to put yourself first as others won't ! You always have all of us here for love & support any day .

    Big gentle hugs . Keep us informed of what you decide . Xxxx

  • My heart goes out to you. I think you should do whats best for you and your health. As for me my children ended up moving near me as they thought it was best for me to have them nearby. I had moved from a house with 2 flight of stairs to one with one and a stair-lift where I am now. It was a relief and I hope you will decide accordingly. Take care and keep on keeping on!! xx

  • Please, Please be selfish and do what is best for you. Your children are adults, have their own lives and obviously are not considering your best interests. I have become very selfish since becoming ill, as my health and what is best for me and my husband is now my number one priority. I also do not leave my house for weeks at a time, I do have a little dog, with a long garden and she runs herself ragged. I also have really great neighbours who take her for walks, so please don't get rid of your dog, there are always alternatives.

    Take care.

  • I can speak from personal experience. I moved to be near family and have found out I rarely see them. People have busy lives and always say the,right things but action speak louder than words. If I were you. I would do what your heart says regardless of what anyone else says. Do consider your health and weather conditions along with air quality and access to shopping, etc. good luck

  • UPDATE, I saw the bungalow on Sunday and its lovely, I can see me spending hours in the garden just looking at how nice it is, the place had a homely feel to it which i have always wanted and nothing needs doing to do as in décor and things it is in perfect condition from what i can see, now i just have to find the funds to pay for removals, lol xxx