So many what ifs ! I hate the uncertainty!

[Shadows-walker]

Hi all was suppose to meet with manager this morning to find out if I still have a job , but meeting was canceled ,but I asked about my ssp 1 form so I could start my ESA application and told as I have been off six months and it my 4 yr anniversary of my start date that I am getting company sick pay again for 6 weeks then back on ssp , so I have spent weekend stressing but trying not to ,the consultant told me I am not to go back to work ,and to be honest I feel better I have very little to do with my daughter home ,on good days I feel a fraud for being off work ,but if I go back before the doctors tell me I could end up back at square one ,also I know how bitche some of my colleagues are about people who they feel don't pull there wait and I know that it doesn't matter what the managers say there not the ones who have to put up with the back biting my daughter tells me I need a thicker skin , I am feeling very confused worried if I go back I will become unwell again but I don't know how I would manage financially I have a meeting with CAB next Monday ,there are so many what ifs in my life at the moment I walk with a stick when out as I get so tired when I go out but I don't need it round the house as I only potter about ,I know if we walk the dogs I can only manage one but I can't walk at what I call my normal pace does this make me well or a fraud I still get pain but nothing like I did as I am not doing anything ,so confused ,also for those of you who read my post on Friday about our lovely day , it's ended up costing me £80 .00 as Murphy sprained his tail and poor old shadow has a funny rash and funny lumps on the inside of his leg ,the vet wants to see him on Friday again to see if that's settled down and we know it's not flees think it might be a small benign tumour fingers crossed sorry just needed to talk if anybody's got any advise on how to still my head and stop me worrying I would be gratefull thanks Chris x

[rosewine]

Dear Chris

If it is of any help I have been there and worn the T shirt. Heart says that if you really, really tried you could probably go back in and do some kind of work but head says that no you couldn't as because of the pain and fibro fog that the work wouldn't be up to the standard required. You would also be going against what the doctor has advised which of course doesn't help when we need the medical proffessions help. I tried going back and made myself worse and ended up undoing any progress I had made. Have you been referred to a Pain Clinic as that would show that you are trying everything you can to get well and back to work. I had to wait nearly 6 months to get there and unfortunately in my case it has been of limited help but at least it showed I was being proactive.

It is completely different pottering about at home, getting up when you like and being able to rest as soon as you are fatigued or in pain but if you translate that into the work place it is an impossible scenario. I think from everything you have said in your posts that you definately need more time in the hope that treatments will work. You might lose your job in the process, I did but I know when I put my sensible hat on that realistically I could not have consistantly done my job to the standard I set myself and that being able to pace myself and rest when needed has given me for the majority of the time a bit of a life back. I was in the unfortunate position of having had my husband having to give up work exactly a year before because of mental health problems so suddenly we went fro one and a half wages to just relying on ESA and then when that stopped our savings but it is amazing what you can cut down on when you have to.

You will be doubly stressed because of the situation with your two dogs as I know how we have been when ours have been ill, you often wish they could just talk to tell us what is wrong.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. Get as much information on your rights from the CAB as you can as knowledge is power in these situations. Big hugsxxx

[Shadows-walker in reply to rosewine]

Hi rosewine thanks for such a quick response ,you got in one yes that's what my heart says yes but my head is saying no, and yes I forgot the fatigue bit , I am waiting for a biopsy of my glands and the pain clinic and I think I may have to have a bowel one to check for celiac's , I been on my own for 7 years so I have gone from high income to min wage as I spent 12 years home with children .i told my daughter just now how I was feeling and she has just told me off and told me I am stupid if I think I can work as she see me struggling and knows what a whirl wind I am when I am well I really hate being like this . All I have done today is pop to Aldis and the vet and I am flat on my back on sofa typing with a beagle under my arm snoring with Star Trek on in background ,I wanted to make a blind I only got as far as getting the fabric out and sorting out the maths for it and I am shattered so bloody frustrating excuse the swearing but I could cry don't know what's wrong with me today . Nearly deleted this message but at least I am being honest if not a little irrational thanks for understanding you have helped x

[rosewine in reply to Shadows-walker]

It is strange as it always seems to be the "whirlwinds" who get this. I was the same, working, gardening, swimming 75 lengths a week, walking the dog for miles and now as you say a short walk can sometimes do you in. I just did a small job this morning and made a hash of it and I have just walked down to close my greenhouse door and you would think I have run a marathon. Soup for tea I think as no energy for anything else. I think that underneath this you are also worrying about the dogs so that could have pulled you down. Be gentle with yourself tonight.

[TheAuthor]

Hi Shadows-walker

I am so sorry to read of the uncertainty of everything that you are having to endure, and I am a big believer in uncertainty and lack of control of your own life causing stress that makes Fibro worse! I suppose that you could look on the bright side and say to yourself that you have a reprieve for now but you will only stress again come closer the time to sort it all out? I genuinely understand that it won't be easy, but I think that you need to tell yourself that there is nothing that you can do about your work situation and just ensure that you have enough money to live on? And please never feel like a fraud, as you have an illness that is recognised under the disability discrimination act!

I hope that Murphy is on the road to recovery? And I want to wish you all the best of luck.

All my hopes and dreams for you

Ken x

[Shadows-walker in reply to TheAuthor]

Thanks ken ,I have been trying to distract my self since last week that's really why I didn't mention much about what was up and coming, if I didnt think or talk about it I didn't have to deal with it ,I was really unsettled this morning when they canceled ,so kept busy and of course when I started to have to stop after not doing very much I got to thinking then I got upset at my not so predictable future ,and of course the dogs are not 100% ,as far as money goes I will have to use my flex able friend for the dogs or I would have had an issue, I will be able to clear it I just have make a call but the calls can't keep being made there isn't a bottom less pit .but at least my father was able to make sure I could deal with situation it was suppose to be there for my old age but that's just come earlier than expected as my children keep telling and I must apparently not worry about them but of course I do , as there father won't help them unless they are prepared to pay the price which they are adamant that they are not ,even if it makes things more financial secure for them, they do worry me on bad days , are well can't fix everything can we , I will have to say the serenity payer , take care thank you for your understanding words ,and yes Murphy s tail is starting to wag again, now it's just the lump on shadows leg that need sorting , take care Chris x