Sorry for not posting for a couple of days but not been good. hope these make up for it.
TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME 35 to 50.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the things for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the phone!"
40. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
49. This one was horrible so I deleted it.
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
I went to the doctor with a piece of celery in my nose, mince on my head and ketchup in my ears. He said "I know what's the matter with you, you're not eating properly."
Van Gogh goes in a bar and orders a pint of beer. Once served his friend enters the same bar and sees Van Gogh, he shouts..."Vincent, can I get you a drink"?
Van Gogh replies "No thanks, I've got one 'ere"
My parents made me walk the plank when I was younger...
We couldn't afford a dog
If you have read these I am sorry for repeating them if not hope you enjoy them.
Take care and kindest regards