Does anyone else find themselves going in to self destruct mode?

I seem to be doing it a lot recently.

I must apologise as I haven't been around much of late. The holidays were a testing 2 weeks and, although I enjoyed spending time with family around, I found it very tiring. This week has been worse though. I went completely in to overdrive. I've had cats at the vets ( a 20 minute drive from here), the car in for work....it's in again today, but worst is what I did on Tuesday. After dropping my daughter off at schhol and taking the car to the garage I started walking to my parents house. I had missed the bus and they only come once an hour. This wouldn't seem so bad except they live around 7 miles from where I was. By the time I reached them I was in crippling pain, my legs barely moving. I used to do walks this size all the time before the fibro and that may have been why I did it, but I suspect I had gone in to self destruct mode. I've found that I reach a point where I'm too tired and hurt too much but am expected to keep going and going so the only way to stop is to push myself really hard.....like this. Thing is, apart from being called an idiot by family, nothing has changed. I'm still hurting, still tired, still going and going. Later I will have ti get on a bus to collect my car and my daughter from school. I have to park up a hill from the house as it's the only parking available (I kid you not, the hill is steep and going down hurts like hell on my legs).

I don't know whether I'm doing this to proove to myself I can despite the pain, or if I'm willing my body to make me stop, like maybe then people will take it seriously. Makes me sound selfish I guess. I'm a carer for my son and a single parent to both my children, not that they're children really anymore.

I don't really know where I'm going with this either now.....

Doctor is of limited help. They put up my nortriptyline to 50mg and put me back on codeine despite the side effects. I've had to stop taking them again as they cause more damage and don't make the slightest difference to the pain. *sigh*

Ok, sorry for the rant.

I'll try to be around a bit more again. :)

P.

5 Replies

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  • Wow Cupcake ! Self destruct mode sounds about right why did you walk that far what on earth were you thinking??

    Nothing I can say I do things in an instant that I regret later but I cannot walk that far - I wish!

    Nice to hear from you though do pop in more often :D xgins

  • Hi Gins, long time since we last spoke on here. How are you?

    I normally have trouble walking more than the local harbour and back and my hill can be a nightmare. So what posessed me to walk that far.....sheer stubborness I think! Like I said before, such distance was normal for me just a year ago and I guess my mule-headedness got the better of me. After the first mile I hurt but kept going anyway. Kept saying I'd wait for the bus at the next stop but never saw one til I was a quarter of a mile from their house anyway. Took me close to 3 hours. been walking like a 120 yr old cripple since.

    P.

  • Hi there,so sorry to hear that you are struggling so much.Iam also a single parent to two boys,one is 11 and the other is 5 and it is so hard being on your own.Feel free to rant as that is what we are here for.I get help via social services where I have a personal budget to pay for two lady's to help me with all the day to day stuff including looking after my kids.It sounds like you need some help as that is what I was like before I asked for help and I pushed myself so much that I would be crying in agony,feel so angry and used to think that I would be better of dead.If you don't have anyone to help you then you can contact your local adult social services and ask them for an assessment.Write down all the things you struggle with before you ring them so you can tell them what you need help with.I found them to be brilliant and I now get 35 hours help a week which enables me to function more better.If you are a carer to your son then they can advise you about getting help to care for him as well as some respite for yourself.Its horrible when life is such a struggle but there is help out there,it's just a matter of being brave and asking for it and don't feel guilty that you need help as you are only human!I hope this helps you xxx

  • Thanks for your reply. Funnily enough I went to SS last year to ask for help. After waiting 3 months, someone visited and did some paperwork. We then waited another 3 months before the written up paperwork for us to sign came in. That was just a few weeks ago. They are so short staffed at the local SS office and freely admit it. We are unlikely to get help whilst my son is still at college even though he goes 4 days a week and is home the rest of the time. He depends entirely on me and any help my family offer. They do try and my Dad goes golfing with him sometimes, which he loves, but with all the storms and flooding of late, there's no chance of that. I contemplated applying for Pip but know i won't qualify simply because I don't stop just because I hurt or am tired. I'm afraid of letting people down or of people thinking I'm faking it so I don't have to work.

    P.

  • Hi,

    Wow, that is self destruction mode. Mind you, it's what I do too. Can't seem to stop it.

    Gentle hugs

    Jillyxx

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