does anyone else just want to pass in there sleep

i go through periods of hoping i just slip away in my sleep.. if its not my fibro.. its my arthritis, ,migraines, irritable bowel.. or very bad depression... i lie in bed sometimes and think.. god.. just take all the pain away and let me go.. we have this for life...knowing its not going to kill us like a lot of diseases.but alot of terminal diseases dont have pain.. i love my family and thats what keeps me going.. i could not take my own life but being a coward i sometimes wish i wasnt giving the chance to keep going.. about 3 years ago.. i suffered a serious blood clot in my main artery in my lungs and was minutes away from death.. when i was faced with it yes i was scared. but not for me but for everyone that would be left.. lots of people came to help me, sent me cards.. called me all the time and generally cared... now i am better from this... no one cares that i suffer more with fibro than i did with a blood clot.. does anyone else feel like this from time to time?????

25 Replies

  • Oh bless you, that is really sad to read. I can understand how you feel, however your family need you and you must remember that you can beat pain and be stronger, hun don't let it beat you. Be strong and keep going. With the warm weather this week and the summer looming hopefully your pain will decrease.

    Have you been to your dr recently to re asses your meds?

    People do care about you, however due to the fact FM is invisible pain people never realise how you are feeling. Are there people in particular that you feel don't understand?

    Could you write to them or email and explain how you feel as it sounds like you do have friends that care if you got all the cards after your blood clot.

    Keep going Diane, the pain is shockingly shit, but keep smiling as best you can. Sending you lots of love and hugs!! xxxxx

  • I can honestly say Diane that I have never wished that would happen to me, no matter how bad my condition has been, as I have the half full glass philosophy not the half empty. Having said that I understand that not everyone is the same and it can get too much at times. I wonder do your family support you at home, do they understand your condition and how it makes you feel. Perhaps your meds could be changed to help you cope a little better and not feel so down and hopeless. It might be worth a trip to your GP to see if he/she can help you in some way. It sounds like you have had far too much in your life already without this darn condition and I completely understand how misunderstood you can feel with people not understanding how we feel day in day out with no end in sight. I hope you are able to get some help from your GP and that you feel the support we all have for each other in this forum. It can feel too much sometimes and that's why it's good to offload and speak about it in here and also to medical professionals. Take care and I hope you feel better really soon. Gentle hugz :)

  • Well said Rach, I second all you have said too :) xx

  • Diane. I too felt like I did not want to wake each day and so do many others. I used to lie down praying to not wake as the challenge of another day and no help made me worse and worse.

    I now ask God for the strength to go through the early hours and remainder of the day. Looking to and planning for the afternoons when I can pace a little and if I have a bad day I can at least get on here and Facebook where I have many friends like me with Fibro, Lupus, CFS, Arthritis and other challenges. We build each other up, laugh at our lot and share our troubles.

    Muscle relaxants have also made a great difference to my mornings.

    Each day is precious and our time is up too soon. Find a little happiness in each day. Even to feeling useful for support you can give to another, until maybe a cure is found for us. Much love and hugs xx

  • Well i can honestly say i have been exactly where your at now hun and i really feel for you in 2009 i was really healthy and then went down with a ruptured aorta was close to dying and had only a 10% chance of surviving but since that day i have suffered from chronic pain didnt know what it was until 2010 and ive taken no end of diferent medication and to this day nothing has helped and there have been many times when i just wished i wasnt here no more but there are people that need me so i just try to carry on for them, so be strong hun and you will fight this we will all fight this together

  • i completely understand the feeling of wishing i could just pass in my sleep. all the do-gooders are welcome to say a prayer here or hope for the perfect meds but i dont think even they have hit that low hun! i cannot offer you hope in medicinal ways or through praying to whichever god u choose but i can say that if you have family or good friends nearby they need to know you feel this way!! i am on anti-depressants but still cry at cartoons and adverts! if you do not feel good in yourself then nothing seems to help, but i will say that just visiting my new niece and holding her makes me feel on top of the world, looking at pictures of nature, which is beautiful, can make me feel like i have things to explore, even though i can no longer walk anywhere, the world still has much to offer if you can just break through and find something to make you happy one day at a time. i wish you luck and happiness diane

  • a wiccan! I have those kind of thoughts on a regular basis, but don't let them get me down, or the antideppressants don't at any rate :) It's just that sometimes I just feel too exhausted to want to keep going and I have no fear of going. I agree with everything you say. I've started baking with my 3 year old granddaughter on a weekly basis, she is the light of my life.

  • Wiccamom, I am not sure whether you were calling people on ths site do-gooders, if that is the case I do think you need to reassess your views and not make sweeping statements as I actually found what you wrote insulting as I had already written on the thread.

    As others have said I have hit rock bottom too, however sometimes in life we have to look at what we have and not what we don't have. Positve thinking and having great friends or cyber friends on here to chat to can help. We are all different and have our own coping mechanisms.

    I think everyone needs to be careful with what they write as we are all suffering and this needs to be a pleasant place to be, rather than one which people will avoid for fear of others making statements that could be misinterpreted and offensive.

    Thanks. :)

  • i totally agree with what you have said there love diddle xx this is a nice place full of poitivity and a little hope for people xx

  • Please be careful how you word your messages wiccamom, we all have different views, religions, beliefs and backgrounds. We also all have different levels of rock bottom. I am a strong person by nature and I know I hit my rock bottom during the first year I had Fibro. Some people are stronger than others, others manage differently, some manage well, some not so well and others can't manage at all. If prayer helps one person, a cuddle might suffice someone else, others may need more professional help and support. No two cases are the same. We have to keep open minds over what might help each person and not judge what personally wouldn't work or be acceptable in our own case. At the end of the day we are all here in this forum to help and support each other. We are all here because we understand how awful our condition can be and the effect it has on our lives. We are not here to judge others or condemn their ways of managing their conditions. If we feel we cannot cope then that's where help and support by the professionals comes in, especially if we haven't got that support network at home.

    Hopefully by now Diane, you have managed to see/contact a medical professional or perhaps a counsellor to help you cope and manage your Fibro better. Please post a message on this thread if you can to let us all know how you are. We are all thinking about you and we care for you, as we do each other. :)

  • i know exactly how u feel. i had a hysterectomy about 4 years ago and everyone fussed and helped out, then two years ago i was in a car accident again everyone was there for me, for which i am truly greatful.

    NOW though i have fibro and nobody really seems to care. They know i am in pain a lot but the only one who seems to really pick up on my struggling days is my 12 year old. But he is just sympathetic not helpful.

    I have days when getting dressed is just too much effort (osteo arthritis in neck and shoulders and cervical spondylosis) Bra straps hurting, and not going out anyway. Family come home from work/school and i get comments like 'you having a lazy day' or wish i could have a day like that.

    Then when you are trying to sleep you wish you could just go to sleep and never wake up.I dont mean it though coz I would never hurt my family like that. But i totally understand how u feel. Sorry if it sounds like me me me, but i just wanted you to know that i do really know how u feel and its not just 'yeah i know what you mean' from people who really dont get it.

    Hope it makes u feel less bad about you having dark thoughts, you were just brave enough to voice them. Good luck

  • please dont say you are a do gooder you give people lovely advice and help them when they need it i have had alot of comforting words /links etc from you and others on here so plese dont think you are ever that you just want to help people and you do love to you diddle x

  • oh Diane so sorry to hear ur feeling like this i too am struggling and just fighting to think about the effect on my family is hard. I know it sounds selfish i sometimes i just wanna go asleep and not feel anything anymore :( been on anti-depressants for yrs but now they just seem to hold back the tears and even thats not always the case. I hope there is a light ata the end of this awful tunnel for u Diane sending u gentle (((hugs))) & lots of healing blessings xxx amanda xx

  • Diane63, I know you are not alone in this thought as I have been there too, and feel that way quite often. I am not suicidal in any way, although I have been there too and got the help I needed to get better from that. What I say to my doctor, friends and family is that the idea of suffering another 30+ years like this makes me wish that I could just go to sleep and never wake up. My doctor totally understood the reason I felt that way, but knew the difference between that and feeling suicidal. This illness is so depressing, more so because we know there is no end, but, even though I am not religious, I am thankful for each day, and my family and friends are wonderful and they keep me going. In the last few months I have found that I can laugh again, and that laughter keeps me going. Get some fun, understanding people around you, have a giggle because laughter really is the best medicine :)

  • Oh dear please dont say things like that its awful that you feel so low on yourself, you must have family/friends who are around you and imagine how devasted they would be if anything happened to you . please got and see your Gp and have a chat with them about these feelings or you could ask to see a counsellor that is linked to your doctoe surgery i saw a lady at mine for a year and she was very good, if not you could call the samaratins and they would talk to you fro as long as you like it is wahta they are there for i have done that in the past jus chatted to someone on the end if a line and it was lovely jus offloaded all mty thoughts etc so perhaps that may be an idea,

    we all have this awful apin and daily it is different and we jus have to get on with it dont we some days we all feel like that but tryto think there really is someone out there who is alot worse and perhaps has got no choice as to wether they pass or not jus think of that

    i know a man he died last year at 69 he had brain cancer a lovely lovely man full of life he really was always laughing he accepted he was going to die and did within 6 eeks but it was a shame and then a week after his passing another man i know took his own life he hung himself in his caravan and left notes for his x wife and all 6 children he wanted to do it he had planned it to the last detail but it was jus a shame that at 52 he took his own life yet the other man would have given anything to live few more years

    anyway you come on here at anytime and rant away we ll do believe me and you are never alone on here there is always someone to talk to love to you Diddle x

  • Yes I have on many occasions, Diane, and have been thankful that my home is full of framed pics of my 3 grandkids, and often it is this that keeps me going. Those kids are the light of my life, and my biggest fear is that one day I may not be able to spend as much time with them.

    I have also had days where I feel so bad I don't know whether to dump the whole lot of meds or take the whole lot at once. A friend of mine hung herself a few months ago, which totally rocked and shocked me - I would never have believed this girl could ever contemplate that, she had it all, or rather she didn't, but she bottled everything up, she left her daughter a note explaining why, poor lass.

    I went through a weird time with it, at first asking, WHY did she do it? - THEN, I scared myself when I started thinking HOW did she do it? It's pretty much swings and roundabouts this life isn't it? Wee all need to talk about how we feel and I am delighted to have this forumin which to do so - that feeling of NOT being alone in this, and people really DO understand xxx

  • Ill answer truthly yes, there are times when the pain is so bad, I just wish it would all end, so much so Ive told me family I written a living will, I love life, but not like this, I got 5 kids the youngest is only 13 and shes my life , so to be honest I carry on for her

  • Oh dear Diane, this thread seems to have moved a long way from your question. You made it quite clear that you were not suicidal, just that sometimes you think, it would be easier if you went to sleep one night and didn't wake up. I have felt like that often and whilst a few people here have said the same, I'm sure that a lot more if they're honest have too. So please know that you are not on you're own with those feelings. I wouldn't contemplate suicide anymore than you and you're right about the effects of it on you're friends and family. I don't think it's got anything to with being a coward, I think it's more to do with not being selfish and clearly you are not. The times that we feel like just slipping away pass and we pick ourselves up and carry on. One thing I have found that helps to make people understand how we feel is to ask them if they have ever had really bad flu, the kind that makes every muscle and bone in your body ache and you don't even have the strength to turn over in bed, let alone get out of it. Most people have and then I ask them how they would feel if they felt like that every day because that's how I feel most days and it's only because of the drugs I take that I am able to function at any reasonable level most days, but sometimes they're not enough. Another thing you can do is print off this list from NHS choices and give a copy to each of your friends and family, it's really good.

    I hope this helps

  • Yes i do totally when i see that sort of blog i just want to hold that person and lift them out of it not make them worse it upsets me to see blogs like that and i totallty agree with everything you have said love to you diddle x

  • Yep agreed here Lynn! That's the great thing about this forum that we all understand how difficult Fibro can be, but also that there is help available and support too. Warmer days with some sunshine definitely helps, also the correct meds help to give us all better days! :)

  • I often lie awake, unable to sleep & just wish I would go to sleep & not wake up. I have a nice family & a lovely dog who give me reason for living but somedays & nights my depression is bad & the pain even worse.

    My Dr is useless & I don't know where to turn. I know everyone on here is suffering too & I feel guilty for having a moan .. but yes i understand you perfectly.

  • Hi Diane, my answer to your question is definately YES so many times ive hoped to go to sleep and not wake up... It gets u down especially when u r 42 and u r in so much pain and all u think about is if im like this now how am I gonna b in 20yrs time?? its frightening.... My kids are almost 21 and 17 my idea was once they were old enough and doing their own thing I could start doin my own thing but now im in so much pain im no good for nothing! Id stay in bed all day but that hurts just as much as walkin about... Works giving up on me they want to put me in another dept and reduce my wage as they think im no longer competant in my job now... Doc has now put me on a new drug which is on the list; pregabalin ive started on 3 x 25mg per day and its stoppin the bad feelings, if u r not on this it might be worth asking your doctor about trying you on it, its for anxiety and believe me its helping me.. hope this has helped you, knowing you are not alone, and try with the meds if u not on them already.. worth a try,, good luck Diane, and im here if u need to talk xx

  • my answer is yes too. think about how much pain it would cause those that love you. do you have treatment for deperrision as this can come hand in hand with fibro. sending lots postive thoughts and soft hugs

  • i am hurt that you have turned on a person like myself! i never meant anything when i made the comment earlier, obviously i am still alone as hell insists though (as it is in your souls)! you should be ashamed of your critisism of my faith! i am a regular mom with regular problems concerned with my illness! how dare anyone say i am a bad person, and dont deny you have, just because i am of a different faith! i came here to meet like-minded people and hoping to hear that we have hope, my faith tells me we do but some people here disagree. i have three gorgeous kids who mean the world to me but you seem to think iam a suicidal wreck!!????? i certainly have had thoughts of being "better off" dead but worry too much about my babies, they are older now but will always be my main concern. i have so many probs due to this unforgivable illness but keep going for my kids, anyone who thinks i am bad is wrong and should ask for forgiveness from whomever they follow!

  • aw please dont e so angry i think things have gotton out of hand on this thread i like luynn think we should help pull people up to feel better i dont think anyone on herewould dream of saying anything about anyone elses faith or religeon it is a personal choice to each of us i think this needs to end now i hope that you are ok and please keep coming on here as you need help too as we all do on here it is a lovely place to be you take care love to you diddle x

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