Some much needed advice please

Hello everyone,I've been pondering over whether I should ask some advice on here to do with a relationship iam in and have decided to be brave.I don't have any close friends whom I can confide in so here goes...Iam in a relationship with someone who is 17 years my junior,iam 39 and it's been nearly two years now.At first it was all very exciting and I felt so much in love but now I feel so different.It is not a normal relationship as he works away and he doesn't even live in the same area so we only see each other say once a month maybe twice.Iam now finding the age gap hard and I've come to depend on him financially as he often gives me money to help out and buys things for my kids.However,he doesn't help me out in the practical sense and it's often like I have 3 kids instead of 2 when he sleeps over.He is very impatient and doesn't have much tolerance and he doesn't understand about my condition.He has a high sex drive and I find it very difficult at times as he doesn't understand when iam too ill to have sex.Since I have become sexually active again I've been suffering with constant urine infections for two years almost and this has put me off sex plus it has flared up my fibro which means iam ill a lot of the time.There are a lot of things about him that annoy me now and I don't have the same feelings that I used to have for him.However,as I said I have become financially dependant on him for which I feel guilty about and I fear iam only with him now cos of this.Iam frightened of being on my own and of struggling financially.Plus iam currently renting a 2 bed bungalow which is too small for me & my 2 kids so iam looking for a 3 bed house as my kids really need their own rooms.I would not be able to afford to pay the top up on my own as iam only entitled to a 2 bed place with my housing benefit.Iam not working as I can't cos of fibro.His dad is my guarantor for where iam currently living and if I split up with him I won't have a guarantor.All of this is making me unhappy as I don't know what to do :(

5 Replies

  • Okay there are several things I can suggest. Firstly go to your local council for help. The age of your children and the sex will directly impact on whether they are entitled to their own rooms. (eg:2 boys under 11 will have to share, whereas a boy and girl do not. Any child over 11 is entitled to their own room. Any child with special needs is entitled to their own room!) Being financially dependant on anyone but yourself is not ideal. How did you manage before he was around?

    Check with CAB about your finances when he is not a part of the picture. He or his father has no claim in the house if it private rented through someone else, even if he is the guarantor. The guarantor does not have to do anything even if they agreed to it to start with. He should not be supporting you financially at all in reality and that he has ensured you are dependant, gotten his family involved with the house and is demanding and a drain on you when around suggests to me that he is abusing you. He may not be violent, but he is keeping you holding on to him because of the money and is unsupportive and sexually demanding, when he has no right to be, you are not his prostitute!

    Having been in an abusive relationship for many years and having gone through a divorce and raising the children alone, I am aware of how hard it is. Make sure you know everything you are entitled to, get people on your side and if you don't claim for your disability do so.

    Unfortunately, only you can decide to make the break for freedom from this man and the cleaner the break, the easier it will be for you in the long run. It isn't going to be easy but that you are posting on here suggests it's time to get the ball rolling and claim your life back, for the sake of you and your children.

    Good luck.


  • Hi Haribo I agree with ladytelita's advice on housing hunny :) I'm not clued up on this matter but I think approaching the council or local housing associations with regards to getting that 3 bed accommodation.

    Its always a difficult choice whether to end a relationship and sadly only you can make that choice. I suggest that you get a few things in place first like approaching the council like ladytelita suggests so the ball's rolling, open a new basic bank account (I'll pm you :) ), and speak to the CAB, welfare rights about helping with financial issues and benefits you may be entitled to they will help with any forms if you ask and also be your advocate so they'll follow the claims to the end.

    Its just for your self security for you and the kids :) Once you have that basic safety net in place it might and I say might just make it a little easier to decide what to do.

    rosemary fluffies to stimulate the mind xxxzebxxx

  • Hi Haribo. I agree with comments above. It sounds like you do too or you wouldn't be asking the question in the first place? Splitting up is HARD, I know, and you will need support around you to go through with it. I hope you can find that support. Fibro makes relationships really difficult. My husband and I have been married ten years but I've only had fibro for two. He finds it difficult to understand and gets impatient sometimes but I know he loves me and I love him. Be brave. Be strong. Best wishes x

  • Hi haribo, I think I agree with what the others have said! and advise you to sever the links with this man. At 22 he really isn't a proper grown up, I always think men don't really mature properly until they are at least over 25 and that's being generous. You say it feels like you have three children when he is with you and that really backs up my thoughts,

    Your situation is made worse by your feeling of being financially reliant on him, the business with his father, if his father is any sort of gentleman should not impact on you.....he stood as guarantor for you, not for his son. If you do choose to end your relationship I would have a letter ready to post off to his father telling him of your intentions and that as soon as the council find somewhere for you to be any monies you may owe him could be paid off over a period of time. If he reacts badly to this then there are other routes we can explore.

    This is a decision only you can make dear haribo, but I think all things taken into consideration, you really do know which way you should be heading. We will be here to support you in every way we can, rely on that - that will not change. If you want message me at any point do feel free to do so.

    Very best wishes haribo :-)

    Foggy x

  • Trust me honey. You may feel you are scared to be on your own but you are obviously very unhappy in this relationship and your kids will sense that also. He is very young and not experienced in life's ups and downs. Get help and advice and move away from him please as he will only be making you feel worse xx

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