moffy and I grabbed our chance and while Captain Kirk and some of his crew beamed down on some distant planet Moffs and I convinced Scottie to beam us aboard ... Where we staged a coup and are now in the re named starship fibro surprise heading towards planet earth to blast the Atosians off the planet and rid our lives of this evil race ....
trouble is we don't know how to fly a spaceship and we only have auxiliary power and phasers set to stun ... So we need all the help we can get to rid planet earth of this inhuman race
It's life Jim but not as we know it..........
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Oh - Can I please have first try with Bones' magic gizmo that diagnoses and heals EVERYTHING?
Then I'll be fighting fit to tackle them pesky varmints.
Ooops -sorry, I think I took a wrong turning somewhere in the endless corridors of Starship fibro surpise and ended up in Loony toons!
Put down that carrot and rabbit outfit and come to the medical bay at once and find the magic gizmo .... Oh my goodness if we all get cured will there be enough jobs for us all... We may well crash DWP computers forever..... Heheheh
Dr McCoy reporting for duty Sir!!! Waving magic tool that cures everything reportedly (foggy tries it on her back, or waves it in the general direction......nah must be on others ...not me). Ah well ........heads in direction of the Bridge where odours of chips and things are coming from >>>>>>>>>
Stand still a moment , I'll help with all that corsetry................goes and pulls very hard on the strings, whereupon Moffy passes out........
Marches in with hair sleeked down and flattened .....eyebrows plucked into an very high arch and plastic pointy ears.... To leave the ship on auxiliary mode while you all eat chips is illogical ..... We need to rid the earth of these Atosians before the day is out .. I shall have to go and risk my life fixing them... I have been and always be your volunteer..... Gives Vulcan hand salute and goes to look at the engines .... Clutching a bag of chips....
Chips, chips, did someone say chips......... I'll have too confiscate them on a need to basis......not good for Vulcans at all.........they live on radishes and cucumber ..........
Rips off ears and pulls on Klingon suit .....
"qatlh tlhIngan Hol Dajatlhbe'?"
And heads off to the engine room .......Even Klingons hate Atosians.
Go and fix the engines.... Gets a phaser ... Are they still only on stun.... Pulls trigger and stuns moffy by accident ... Oops guess they are... Crawls over moffy and heads to the battery cupboard .. Perhaps stronger batteries would work..... Foggy let me test this phaser on you
My position? Horizontal when possible. No balsamic, for me - good old British working class vinegar is the thing - it won us two world wars! The chips helped a lot of course!
Idris has had his eye on Leroy the snake - I'm not sure his intentions were strictly honourable
Leroy is in charge of navigation at the moment - we've found him a long, thin seat to sit on, but he's trying to flirt with it!
Oh my we are doomed.... Hmm that phaser didnt stun you for very long moffy let me see if I just swap these wires around ...........
Lt. Uhura communications officer/xenolinguistics expert sat at her station ear poised for incoming communications with the Atosians and the dreaded Halitosians....
Soz I can't fix a Photon torpedo but I can listen out for danger while you guys sort it.
Captain... I have picked up a communication from the high council on Klingon... It says
"the next batch of chips are done"....but if I have the dialect correct..they seem to be having trouble with tribbles eating as fast as they can fry them??
Dang that's the .. Trouble with tribbles .... They sit there looking so cute then while you are admiring them they scoff your chips .
Nice to have you on board Lt Uhura... Foggy was translating Klingon into welsh which wasnt much use and the atosians are trying to block their frequency channel so we can't find out how to pass an atos medical ... Any help would be most appreciated if you could hack into them ....
Been able to reach Citizen Bert from the Bureau of Advice... he has a had a course in photon repair (Tuesday nite's at the Create and Craft center)
Hailing frequencies open Captain...
Excellent Lt Uhura
Moffy can you beam up citizen Bert and get him on the torpedoes
Lt Uhura. Can you message the atosians and tell them to relax their rules on medicals or we shall open fire.... Don't tell them nothing's working properly yet...
Thank goodness for a xenolinguistics expert! Even the Atosians don't understand what they're on about themselves!
Uhuru, please tell the Klingons to beam the chips over asap, and not to forget the ketchup this time.
I have a cunning plan to deal with the tribbles. Just lure them into a tribble casket( easily obtainable from Tribbles R Us Ltd.) and send them, with paperwork in quadruplicate, to the Atosians.
The Atosians are addicted to paperwork, especially if it's in quadruplicate, so that will keep them happily absorbed whilst the tribbles escape and eat all their provisions. Victory without bloodshed - brilliant!
Can we mutate the tribbles so they eat the Atosians ????
Oh yes, a carnivorous tribble should be possible! Uhuru, has Citizen Bert done a course in genetic mutations?
New incoming communication from the Atosians.... reads 'one parsec away from the freshly fried fries, sir. Close enough to smell them'.....
I am trying to reach the Klingon High Council to see if they would be willing to feed the tribbles with gabapentin stuffed in the chips and beam them aboard passing Atosian vessel Sir....
Runs into Foggys cabin with whole batch of tribbles.... Strange I only had one when I started .....covers foggy in tribbles and takes Bert to arm the torpedoes.....
soz I was dreaming 'bout chips so didn't pick up your last communication
Excellent Uhura with you on board we have a chance to make a difference.... Do we have enough gabapentin to keep up with the tribbles or shall I order a Ton of gabapentin to be delivered to the Klingon high council or will Bert do it onboard ..... Do I need to make a transparent aluminium tank to store the gabapentin????
New batch of tribbles....errr I mean chips on there way light speed... Ketcup is in second shuttle just incase the chips get ambushed and we lose all the cargo
Rushes to open cargo doors.....
Yes.... they need containing, the gabapentin was used to stop them breeding while in transport... High Council suggested dipping the tribbles in a high dose of paracetamol and when the Atosians cuddle them it will disarm them.
Could put them in a coma long enough for us to commander their craft and raid their central offices and change the forms to suit our needs...
I seem to have lost all contact with Citizen Bert, seems he was last sighted heading towards the fibro nebula.....
Ah Uhura see you've come one board, are you any good with bandaging poor ol Citizen Bert has a bad burn on his pinkies from trying to get the chips out of the pan before they were done. Btw....... I'll have everyone know my Welsh translation of Klingon is VERY good............. Prances off to play with the tribbles
Fibro nebula..........OMG that is too too dangerous for words.........stop him now Uhura pppleeaseeee
Nooo don't tell me our photon torpedo engineer went outside the cargo doors.... Oh heck sends foggy off in an emergency craft to rescue Bert
Uhura do you think you could tamper with the atosians medical form and even translate it into English if mcmoffy beams one aboard???
Your excitedly Klingon Spock... Aka VG wearing two costumes at once
....wait.....it's very faint but I think I have located Citizen Bert.....
"BANAN NAH BACH GHUS"......HO NO!!! It's just the Klingon's asking if there is any one else for chips...Will search on a different frequency
Foggy follow that signal we need Bert incase the atosians medical forms are impossible to translate into English ... Bites the points off her plastic ears in all the stress
Oh no I have sent foggy into the chip zone ... We may never see her again
....sprinkled vinegar over a homing tribble to see if we can bring foggy back to us....
Incoming communication from the ITC 'interplanetary telephone company'.... Seems there has been a Borg Cube spotted in the fibro nebula.... will Citizen Bert be okay? ...... Will the Borg simulate him.....HO NO THE HORROR.... that poor man...
Sings..................Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow, Klingons on the starboard bow VG, Moffy Andie or anyone else who cares
There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;
there's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim.
...if we can get enough tribbles together and beam them over to the cube, I will try and make first contact with the Borg Queen and see I can tempt her with chips/vinegar/ketchup and mayo and ask if she is willing to simulate the tribbles to eat the atosians and or the files....
Don't worry Foggie - after an hour with you, he'll have died a happy man! RIP.
Yes lets attempt to deal with the Borg queen she should be easier to communicate with than the Atosians... Mcmoffy I fear has beamed herself into atos HQ to attempt to steal one of the medical forms for Lt Uhura to attempt to translate into simple English.
......brave McMoffy.... I will be at the ready Sir for incoming form....sits biting her nails....
In an attempt to placate herself, goes round collecting all the triibbles she can fit into her jumper, now point me in the direction of the Cube, (whatever that is)
The Borg are a collection of species that have been turned into cybernetic organisms functioning as drones of the Collective, or the hive...... and they travel in a vessel called a cube...cause it's shaped like a cube...sneeks back off to find some more chips....YUM
.....HO NOOOOO someone stop Foggy.... such bravery.... sobbs into her intercom...
Quickly loads the tribbles from Foggys jumper into a large box with assorted condiments and beams it to the Borg queen compliments of the starship fibro surprise.. Oh heck I seem to have included Foggys bra in the box ... Hope the queen likes it .. Sorry foggy.
......Just getting a communication from Borg Queen....
......says chips are great but a bit cold.... advised to rub tribbles together for heat to warm them up again....
.....incoming.....
.....could we send the same bra but 2 cup sizes smaller...admires Foggies taste in uniform...
..... CAPTAIN... we have located Citizen Bert.... he is in a daze and mumbling something...
it sounds like old Morse code.....dot....dot...ho I'm so dashing.... Can't make sense of his ramblings Sir sorry...
....translated the code Sir, seems the Atosians have a mortal enemy, situated in the 'scope.org.uk/dial' region... Captain could you give the order for some brave away party to investigate this planet...? Citizen Bert said it is a strong force that can help combat the dreaded forms... Could Citizen Bert have saved us all???? (((SWOONING at her console)))
Sends foggy to collect Bert and take him the the medical department.... Rummages around the lost property uniform box for a smaller bra and sends the weird code back in time to inspector morse for decoding .......
I am sure the Atosians are on to our cunning scheme and are trying to sabotage all attempts to dislodge them from their cushy number..... Haa we need to infiltrate all their offices and pinch the letters from their keyboards that spell fail so they have type pass....
Will modify the Klingons cloaking device to cover me and steal said letters......
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Good luck Sir
Will arrange for the atosians mortal enemy to be alerted to their headquarters and once Bert has recovered in sick bay we shall hold a party in his honour.....sends bra to Borg queen then goes to hunt for banners streamers cake and champagne.......
Have managed to get the Borg to assimilate all the Atosians. Consquently, the Borg are now an even more dangerous species, but they are busy trying on all the different bras, and have even got Citizen Bert into a fetching pink frilly number. The Borg queen has bagged the saucy basque that I had my eye on! :::sulks::::
We were in danger of becoming over run with tribbles, so I have made a substantial tribble hotpot for dinner tonight, and have sewn all their skins into wonderful tribble duvets - yet still there are more than we started with - such tribbulations!
omg that was brilliant ladies you should write a book or something pee'd myself laughing yes i mean pee'd myself (away to change jammies) BRILLIANT xxx
Atosians? Well, It's Life Jim, but not as we know it!
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WELL, CARBOOT ON SUNDAY!!!!!!
I hate to tempt providence, but appears I might be back :-)
Happy new year
ASTERIOD da14size of 1/2 of a football pitch.....passing over planet earth soon...missing us by a cosmic inch... What would be ur last MEAL?
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