Miscarriage and Egg collection rant (sorry it's such a long one!) :(

[Here4ivfinfo]

Just here for a rant because it tends to make me feel a bit better about things. I've been trying to conceive for a few years. We've done 3 transfers so far. The third transfer I decided to do a double transfer and I fell pregnant with twins. I was told neither had heartbeats the day before my 38th Birthday having been told days earlier that they had heartbeats but were very small for their age. Since then we've been waiting. Everything has run quite smoothly since then, I had a d and c which was successful but I did end up in A and E with unexplained womb pain 3 weeks later (okay, so maybe it's not been that smooth!) and they said that it looked like I had a hydrosalpinx which has since been checked and they are now saying my tube is fine and doesn't need removing. I'm about to begin down regulation to move forward with an egg collection and PGTA testing. I've noticed my mood shifting, getting more annoyed with people when thus far I've been really okay about stuff throughout, generally chilled and optimistic.

Today my sister in law mentioned how she'll be in London a lot over the next few months because she lied about being based in London to get a job and won't be moving until June so now I am thinking I'll be having to cover up doing IVF if she plans to stay with us (as she often does). She hasn't actually asked to stay yet but I'm sensing it. My mother-in-law has cancer at the moment so she'll likely come to "help" when she has treatments but then what tends to happen is that she somehow always ends up in our house. I don't feel like I can say much because she's going through something and our IVF is a secret. So I'll just look like an assh*le if I say she can't stay just because I don't want a flatmate (which I don't, regardless of IVF).

I'm also just dreading all the waiting. I have an easy time with IVF compared to many, I don't have crazy symptoms or mood swings and I have so far responded really well and am hopeful we'll end up with a baby BUT I'm terrible during the two week wait and discovered I am also really anxious when I'm pregnant and find myself constantly googling things. I'm already finding myself just waiting for treatment to begin and counting down the days. So I feel like this is going to be worse than before. I've woke up today and just felt so CBA about everything and I feel really sad today. I read about someone having a miscarriage on Reddit before and just sat there weeping.

I'm also sick to death of someone on my Facebook who has seemingly made her whole personality about how she struggling for "1.5 years" to get pregnant and manifested her baby. I felt like replying "I thought I'd manifested twins and then they both died. I suppose I manifested that miscarriage???" I haven't because I haven't lost my mind entirely. I also now keep going onto her Facebook, viewing her stories and then getting annoyed. Like I know it's going to wind me up and I do it anyway! Until now I've not been the least bit negative and fully believed my twins would live, so for me there's nothing more patronising and ridiculous than someone claiming they manifested a baby when actually all they did was have sex and get lucky.

Anyway, well done if you got this far and I hope this doesn't annoy someone who is in a worse position than me. I do need to just remind myself that it could be worse!!

[HollyT7]

Delete her off your Facebook or deactivate yours for a bit.

Tell your other half your not down for the sister staying as your going through your own mental anguish at the moment so they need to let her know - she’s not your responsibility, she’s dug this hole and she can sort it out herself.

Your number one right now and need to be looking after you.

Coming from someone out the other side, I couldn’t see how bad I was until I now look back. You should be selfish until your settled with that babe in your tummy. It’s one of the only things you can do - look after YOU!

XX

[Here4ivfinfo in reply to HollyT7]

Thank you 🙏🏻

[WillowPark in reply to HollyT7]

I agree with this 100%. If you feel like you are struggling the truth will be you are struggling much more than you think. Let your partner take on the family awkwardness. Do what you need to do. Maybe one day you will be sitting with your completed family and be able to tell the sister what you were going through and get forgiveness for being an a-hole, but probably you will find they didn't think you were and no forgiveness needed. Also cut off the person on FB. We have all had one and you can't educate via FB so best to ignore. Best of luck with your next round xx

[Ctk123]

I’m so sorry for the loss of your twins, wishing you lots of luck for your next collection and testing. I think anyone who has been through IVF miscarriage will completely understand how you’re feeling. My whole perspective changed after my first pregnancy loss - I was so optimistic and didn’t really get jealous or feel negative in the time we were trying before that but miscarriage is so difficult to deal with, especially after seeing a heartbeat. It’s so unbelievably cruel and I really don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through it will really be able to understand. I have always been someone who thought of others before myself but after my miscarriages and failed transfers and going to some really dark places mentally I needed to prioritise myself. For me personally I found other people’s pregnancies really difficult so I didn’t see pregnant friends or family during that time. I also came off social media. Venting is so important so I hope writing your post and the messages you receive from others who get it will be helpful. Also it’s a personal decision but I’ve found being open about IVF and miscarriage helpful for me - as a result my husband and I have had others tell us that they have or are going through something similar and we’ve found it helpful to be able to talk about it with people we know who get it. I’ve found being open with my husband about how I’m feeling critical for getting us through the really difficult times.

Sending lots of love and luck your way x

[Here4ivfinfo in reply to Ctk123]

Thanks for your kind words. I have been open with my side of the family but we haven’t told any of his. I think I would maybe find it easier if they knew but we have been wanting to only go with good news. X

[Kitkat10]

hi, I think you’ve been through a lot, and I think you are doing really really well but try and give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. I had to mute my FB during IVF because lots of posts got on my t*ts tbh and I found it was having a negative impact.

It’s a tricky situation with your SIL, I agree it’s not easy to navigate the cycles at the best of times, let alone with a house guest.

You’re doing brilliantly, IVF is tough and I think you have a strong mindset. It’s really natural and normal for emotions to feel raw and I felt like I completely lost my mind and any mental regularity while I went through it.

Good luck with everything going forward xx

[Here4ivfinfo in reply to Kitkat10]

Thank you, I think if I ever get pregnant again I’m going to be so aware of how I portray it on social media. I might just have to mute!

[Lolalules]

just popping in to say are they sure the hydrosalpinx is gone? I had multiple losses so had more testing and in the tube dye test they saw one. Then i had a scan and it wasn’t there - i insisted on the laparoscopy and lo and behold there it was. You could ofc be totally fine but I’d want to be 1000% certain before having another transfer x

[Here4ivfinfo in reply to Lolalules]

Hi, thanks for this. This is a fear I have. When I had my hydrosalpinx diagnosis my amylase level was also high and that indicates a fallopian tube issue. So I’ve insisted on another amylase test. I will also keep bringing this up and enquire about the test with the dye. That consultant was very confident that I had a hydrosalpinx and then can see it on the saved images from that day and I am not buying that it would necessarily just go away so I’m glad that I can bring you up as an example now. At the moment it doesn’t matter because we are about to do a freeze all cycle and the sooner I do that the better. I don’t want to be putting embryos in if that’s going on though especially as I miscarried two. Did you have your tube removed? If so, how much of a delay did this bring to your treatment?

[Lolalules in reply to Here4ivfinfo]

I’ve literally just had another collection! We decided to go privately so it was quite quick to be honest. Surgery to remove the tube in July, first transfer in November. It could be worth a private consultation to discuss (usually around £100 odd) but I know that when it didn’t show up in the 3D scan the senior consultant advised to proceed to not impact the IVF results. I had one healthy tube so i felt ok with the decision and since have had my daughter successfully. I’ve since had an ectopic and lost my other tube and that felt a bit harder but when we found out about the ectopic tbh we decided IVF probably best without tube because it really can impact pregnancy success. If you want to DM to discuss more just let me know. X

[Rox28]

Aw god, I hate people staying over and deter it in anyway possible even if I'm not doing ivf so they'd have zero chance if I was going to be doing ivf - feelings & moods can be unpredictable with all the meds & personally I need to have my own space when I'm in this time period as I tend to get easily irritated which is understandable as our bodies are going through a lot. You need to think about yourself, what you want & need in these times, maybe drop it in a conversation or something that you're gonna be really busy or have plans at "xxx" dates so she doesn't ask then you've not got it on your mind.

[Here4ivfinfo in reply to Rox28]

All I have done so far is express to my partner how stressful I find hiding ivf and how it’s really hard for me to do all my jabs with her in the house. I also don’t love (and I know this is bad) that she seems to often want a chat and to socialise and I just love my own space and don’t need a daily natter. Nor do I enjoy needing to keep the house guest tidy. I know some people love a guest but I really think 3 days tops is my limit. She also asks me multiple times per day whether I’m okay when she’s here, like she’s deeply concerned and I’m literally fine every time she asks, I just don’t walk around grinning all day long and my resting face must look miserable 😂. Then she’ll go “are you sure?” And I’m thinking “yes, why are you constantly asking me? Nothing has changed in the last few minutes”. My partner doesn’t really want her here either and told me to stop worrying about it for now.

[Angelikid88]

i hate it when sisters, brothers, mothers, and fathers in law get in my personal space so I totally feel you! even if intentions and relations are good... As the others said, prioritize yourself now and your mental health. reduce time on Social Media and best of luck to you with your next effort!! <3

[Here4ivfinfo in reply to Angelikid88]

Thanks! I don’t mind a guest for a few days but she came for a week the last couple of times and it’s getting more regular! Last time I was away and she drove my partner mad because he was working and she kept entering his office for a chat 😂

[Monsie97]

Hi,

I have to say thank you so much for the post and I can really relate on many levels. My IVF journey is also a secret and I've had two transfers which ended in miscarriage just after my family have come to visit (9 weeks and chemical; they visited during TWW). It could just be a coincidence but not entirely sure. It's hard to say no to my close-knit family as nobody wants to be the bad person and I haven't been able to come up with a plausible excuse as to why they can't visit. But for my next round I will definitely be putting my foot down. Or hope to god the critical/important period doesn't coincide again with visits. Social media can be helpful but also very unhelpful. I sometimes take comfort in hearing miscarriage stories but not sure how much that can turn into pessimistic thinking but it's hard to stay positive after miscarriages and years of infertility.

My advice would be (for myself as well) to be a bit selfish and take that time for yourself. It's important that you are resting and not stressed with looking after others. As it's important that you are looking after yourself and your needs first. Hopefully the family will understand and would love to hear any advice about what you told your family, whether it helped and did it impact on the relationships.

[Here4ivfinfo in reply to Monsie97]

Hi,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to go through all that you have so far. It’s so brutal.

I think for me keeping things a secret is possibly harder than just being really open about it but my partner did not want his family to know and I wasn’t keen on them knowing because I feared I’d get unsolicited highly annoying advice and constant questions about what was happening. Now I am thinking that maybe they would be okay about it. His parents are desperate to have grandchildren and would maybe be a bit embarrassed about the pressure they have been applying over the last few years. We have toyed with the idea of telling them but I personally wanted to be able to surprise them with a pregnancy and go to them with good news. When my partners mum was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks back he considered telling them but then said “what is the point? They might be upset that we didn’t tell them sooner”.

After my best friend, I told my aunty. Since my mum died she’s been the person I confide in but she’s terrible at keeping a secret and ended up telling some family members that I didn’t necessarily want to know. That annoyed me because I got a text from someone who was being really nice but I hadn’t told. It has lowered my ability to trust her and so when I fell pregnant I didn’t actually tell her until I miscarried. She also told my cousins but I knew she would and I didn’t mind them all knowing, one of my cousins took 7 years to conceive so I’ve had helpful chats with her. I decided to tell my dad about ivf after I’d done my first two transfers and he wasn’t in the least bit phased and asks no questions (he’s very much like this in general). I just update him from time to time and he tries to throw money at me 😂. When I told him I think I said something like “I have something to tell you, I didn’t want to tell you about this as I only ever wanted to come to you with good news. “ and then I explained everything. Then when I was pregnant I told him early on and I also called him when I had my miscarriage. I haven’t told my brother although I think he’d be unproblematic he and his wife don’t have kids so I doubt they’d give any advice. In general I’ve found telling people quite liberating. I just don’t know if that would be the case with my partners family and we do really want to be able to surprise SOMEONE with some good news.

What stops you from telling people about this? Are you and your partner on the same wavelength? We struggled a bit because I literally hate keeping secrets but my partner is quite private so we’ve had to navigate it all quite carefully. I also like to talk and talk about it with him and he likes to bury it but I have learned his limit and I just talk and talk about it with my very patient best friend.

[Monsie97]

well I think I’m the private person and mother advised me not to tell the wider family. I told one of my cousins and got some negative comments about it. I mean I have told my parents, sibling and another cousin who have all been supportive but most of the wider family don’t know and I think I will get a lot of unsolicited advice and judgements. But I do have a small group of supportive people around me. It’s just that we do get visitors coming to stay coming to see us and cause we conveniently live in london so they can also do some sightseeing. I agree that I wanted to surprise with good news as I told all family many years ago that I was pregnant (naturally conceived) and then had to ring up a few weeks later to explain the bad news. I guess I don’t want to do that again. Perhaps I do need to take a different approach this year.