Sisters (5th) baby reveal ....... sorry for the long rant .. not in a happy place wanted to get it all out ...

[Kay09]

Hey

Feeling emotional today as my sister is going to be revealing her babies gender today on Facebook

This is my last round of clomid and tbh this is my last week to attempt a pregnancy

I am trying to be in stress free mind set and focus on me and my husband as it's hard enough to get in the mood and be romantic when I am in my head of were trying for a baby last chance for a while ....

I know that after clomid I have options to go forward to but that's not the place I am at now I am taking this 'journey' step by step and not over thinking it and not jumping to far ahead

I am very happy for my sister who is going to have her 5th kid

I sound bitter but I am more hurt by mine and my sisters situation .... I'll try to explain it

When me and my husband started our clomid trail my sister had already knew that we'd been trying for a few years and going back and forth for tests...

For the last 4 years I have been my sisters rock helping her through ruff patches and supporting her mental health tbh I felt like a therapist and that I was mainly supporting her life than my own but at the time i had no problem with it and it didnt dawn on me as shes my older sister......

I was constantly there for my sister I would be on the phone to her for a few hours in the morning when she got the kids ready for school .. on my dinner break and on my way home from work listening to her day talking about he life giving her advice etc this was daily every day I would be there for her

She has told me for years that she didnt want anymore kids as she has four already and at her age and this stage in her life she was done and wanted to have her life back .. which is absolutely fair enough ......

After the first 3 months I was pretty disheartened that nothing had happen with the clomid and all the stress and having to pretend to be happy infront of friends and co workers as they didnt care and I kno they dont ... i had felt like I had no one to talk to and no one who could understand what I was feeling .....

I could talk to my husband but at the beginning I was excited to try the clomid and was thinking very positively and I didnt want to put more pressure on us ...

But after 3 months on clomid I was feeling the pressure and the stress and like I said I was kinda done of babying my sister and basically living her life and solving her problems.. so I began to just tell her straight and spend more time on focusing on me and my husband and letting all the family drama go ...

At this point my sister tells me shes gotten pregnant after just having the implant put back in shes not telling everyone only me but yet tells everyone shes not telling me because I am trying and she basically doesnt want to upset me ....... she continues to tell me how she doesnt want the baby what do I think she should do she then she says shes going to let nature take its course and how shes nervous and shes scared as she is a high risk of miscarriage and she tells me so much more doom and gloom but yet but everyone else she is saying shes so happy she feels like this one is a fighter and that shes baby shopping cant stop looking at the scan etc.... but yet to me shes saying the complete opposite saying she cant look at the scan or anything to do with babies .... ahe was basically thriving off me giving her constent attention as if 4 years every day supporting her wasnt enought .... during all this doom and gloom she was telling me I was telling her she is strong and I am here etc I am on the phone to her for hours ...... after finding out the truth I cant take the bullshit so I pull back and focus on me .. one day I didnt reply to her tex of good morning as I wanted a weekend for me and my hubby so she hasn't spoke to me since because I didnt reply to her saying morning ... which i dont care about because why tell me .... me .. how hard it is for you but yet to everyone else yur perfectly fine why put me through all that stress and mental torture ...... and if she isn't going to talk to me because I did not reply to good morning then shes more pathetic then I though ... shes so selfish and she constantly wanted me to do everything I can for her in ways of supporting and listening but I dont q get to relax ........ I shouldnt have to ask for permission to have a day foe my family I shouldnt have to explain why I didnt respond to morning that's stupid and childish and for the last few months where she has fallen out with me for not replying I am cool with because I've felt so much relief knowing I dont have to live her life for her or listen to that gloom and doom nonsense just to what make me feel bad for her give her all of my attention .... grow up shes ment to be a grown woman I am sure going a day without telling me horrible lies and making me feel horrible because her telling me all this stuff about her pregnancy didnt help me getting the zone or it completely put me off trying to make my own baby as she would be on the phone for hours with me listening to her lies and making her feel better that's not how I want to spend my life.....

Which brings us to today at the moment I am in a hot sweat because of the tablets making my self more emotional writing this but feeling overwhelmed with feeling like this .......

Today all it is .. is her and the baby reveal and awwwww bless her etc .... which dont get me wrong I honestly do wish her all the best I am happy for her and hope everything goes ok .... but no one knows all of the above .... no one cares about me as not one member of my family checks in with me asks if I am ok how am I doing ...

I get that my situation at the moment is less than others and that no one knows what to say to me or if it's ok to bring it up but just a simple are you generally would be nice .... I am there for everyone else and just feel alone ......

It's so hard to explain what I am feeling but with all the above and with this being the last month I am scared, worried, nervous and to be honest I just want to pause time so I dont have to find out if clomid was a no go for me or what .... whatever happens I will be grateful for the opportunity but I am so optimistic every other day I am so positive and I see the reasoning in things but just for a day I want dont want everything to be ok i want to be sad and let it all out and have a day with no consequences of seeming jelouse because someone else is pregnant which I dont care about other being being pregnant i dont care that it's so easy for them ... dont get me wrong pisses me off when they think I can just eat something healthy do the deed without thinking about getting pregnant relax for that month and that will do the trick .... people telling me how to get pregnant ... that pisses me of and sometime I dont want to stand there and hear about everyone else oh so easy getting pregnant life and what I should do etc because someone telling me about their pregnancy or their kids co paired to telling someone else .... I am one that's standing their feeling awkward because they made me feel that way they put me in that position where I have to over smile to make them feel at ease .... I am not an injured puppy I wont cry if you say the word baby I wont have a breakdown if you talk about how you got pregnant without trying .... I might think lucky bitch but that's it ..... I am not as damaged about the situation as everyone makes out ...

I shouldnt be sat here crying over writing this because this is how others have made me ..... yes granted have the tears are hormonal and some in anger and true sadness of my own situation but the rest are because others make me feel like I can be apart of anything to do with babies ...

.... I am sick of feeling like I have to pretend to be ok to the outside world when I want to say look I am sad and sometimes it's hard to talk about but theres more to come so let's see what next ..... but instead I have to say yeah fine and nod along to their stupid comments or listen to are you taking the medication .... are you doing it regularly.... etc like I dont need the basics in sex education or fertility treatment I went to the doctors not you

.... today i just cant bothered.... I am really sorry for the rant I just dont want to sit here saying all this to my self anymore

[Hidden]

Hi Kay09 your right to not reply to your sister being doom and gloom to you then being happy to others, I would just ask her why she's behaving like that? I personally would prefare to be on my own throughout my fertility treatment and chat on here. I accept my fertility problems but other people really don't understand the difficulties or recognise it as a serious enough problem. Your right to concentrate on yourself and focus what's best for you and a little time out is just what you need x takecare send baby wishes to you ❤️💙❤️x

[Cinderella5]

Hey Kay, Im so sorry that your sister has behaved this way when you are struggling through conception issues. I think that distancing yourself is the right thing to do as he leans far too heavily on you for whatever reason and this is your time! my brother is pretty similar, its all "poor me" and recently I did bite back and yes I felt guilty but sod him, Ive listened to his woes long enough! As for the others, well all I can say is nobody will ever understand what you are going through, the pretending to be ok, fake smiles, being pissed off at the stupic comments......I think we all get them. Ive made a few comments back to people saying "are you not having kinds"......"well actually it looks like we cant have kids"! Sure way to shut people up but not the easiest thing to do. Anyway, you've found a great supportive bunch here and most of all we "get it". Rant away anytime lovely, sometimes it just does us good to get shitty feeling off our chest!! Hugs.xx

[OlsonM]

Hope you feel better for all that ❤️

People can be very selfish. I’ve never realised that more than during infertility. Some are just trying as they think they are helping by saying certain things but others are just down right rude. Sounds like your sister is very used to you just being there no matter what and the “poor me” (from her) routine can only go so far until you snap. Now is the time she should be supporting you

I understand what you mean when you say you want to be included but feel pushed out. I lost my best friend of 23 years through this “journey”. We spoke every day and I supported her through her pregnancy and then it went pear shaped fast. Her little girl is now nearly 18 months and we haven’t spoken for the last 11

We don’t deserve to be treated differently because we struggle to have children - supported more would just be nice. She always used to say to me “I’m trying my best to understand”, but.i always told her she would never understand (got pregnant on the 2nd month of no contraceptive) so she should just be supportive instead when I need it

It never worked obviously and she was the closet friend of my whole life - infertility just never stops taking xxxx

[CharlieW1985]

Hi

I totally get you... My sister has just had her 4th baby... She's 27 and I'm 35.

I feel a little more disheartened each time she tells me. We are very close and she generally talks to me and confides in me all the time.

The last time, was sad for me as I honestly thought id be on my journey before she had anymore.

She had the baby at Easter and haven't had much contact with her to be honest, I guess I'm just protecting myself. I don't mind when babies are older but newborns just upset me every time.

At the moment because we have covid going on, it's given us the excuse not to go and see them. I feel soo bad and selfish having feelings like that. It's not the babies or my sisters fault but somehow it just kills inside.

I have a cry every now and then but generally just keep myself busy which is a good distraction. When I'm sad I just give myself positive thoughts, they too help me get through.

I hope it helps to know that there's other people going through the same things as you..

Hugs to you xxxx

[Georgie17]

Sounds like your sister hasn't been the support that you have been for her. It's a Shame that she hadn't reached out to you since you didn't reply as that seems petty when you have been there for her. It is hard for others to understand what we go through and I'm glad that you are being positive. I don't understand why she felt the need to lie to you about how she felt about this baby. Maybe

It's her lack of understanding what you are going through and says more about her than you as she obviously hasn't been listening to you in all this time. Family is important and I would reach out and explain to her what you are going through and that you are happy for her but need her support now. It's not going to be easy especially of she is needy but you need positive people and if she is not supporting you then you know that this group is here for you. Good on you for keeping positive and I hope you can work things out with your sister xx