I wish people would p-off with their happy ending stories!

Hello ladies 

Here is a rant to end what should have been a lovely sunny day in Scotland - my well meaning Aunt met me by chance today and indicated she knew about our IVF failures. Then she did the obvious, patronising BS thing of telling me about a woman she used to work with ... (You know how this goes - she gave up trying/ was just about to start IVF/ took a holiday/ applied to adopt (delete as appropriate) and OH SHE FELL PREGNANT. Well, today my Aunt told me a happy ending too far! I flipped. It's been 9 years, 2 failed IVF cycles. A lot of trying, not trying, holidays, POAS and guess what!!!!!?? I just wish people would talk about the woman who live childless as every bloody time I need to listen to these stories I don't feel optimistic I feel blind PANIC. And like the odd one out. She apologised for being insensitive. Her parting note was "what's meant to be is meant to be" Gulp. Maybe I'm not meant to be a Mother?! Pass the Gin, seriously. I wish people could just try to understand... Or say nothing 😕

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32 Replies

  • Oh Hope28, I'm so sorry your aunt made you feel horrible (well meaning as I'm sure it was). Your post did make me giggle a little. If one more person tells me to "just relax" or "just get drunk, have some messy fun, and it'll happen"... Erm, like we've not thought of that, and if only it were that simple, it would have HAPPEDNED BY NOW!! Ha! My best friend is good at telling me these things, and I love her so, but it's not helpful. And yes 'If it's meant to happen it'll happen'...gee thanks :-/

    Big hugs hon... X

  • I know I'm laughing too - if I don't I'll be sent to the asylum 😂 Xx

  • I can relate to this post, again people meaning well but lack of understanding of what it's actually like. My friend who's just had a baby told me her midwife was asking about what contraception she wants to go on as she is so super fertile if they cross on the stairs she will be preg again. I just put my best fake smile on (well practiced now) X 

  • Pmsl at the crossing on the stairs comment Button-123 🤔😲 x x

  • Seriously button, she really told you this!? Id have had to retort back "what a nice problem to have" or "thanks for sharing"!!!

     I couldn't have bit that back. A little thought goes a long way doesn't it, sometimes people need to really think about what they are about to say before they say it x

  • I just let it go in one ear and out the other, even though comments hurt I think I have just become immune to them now xxx

  • I know I'm amazed it took me so long to snap I'm not normally this patient. You can't really lose your cool cause then I worry i look like crazy over emotional jealous girl boo 😔

    Keep going xxxx

  • Ooh I've definitely been there Hope28... It's almost like people don't understand what the word infertility means! Drives me nuts! If I had a £1 for every time someone said those things to me I swear to God I'd be rich. I think that's why I became a bit of a recluse when I was going through my treatment (I'm actually the same even now im expecting). I just can't be bothered with people's bullsh*t (sorry for the bad language but that's the only word that I can think of to describe what comes out their mouths). People mean well I agree but we don't need to hear this kinda crap! You just stay strong and do what you need to do to get you through this journey and never mind what they say 😘 x x

  • I think that's right ... You're all right and noodles_  I have isolated myself from so many people and functions for fear of the conversation. Try to enjoy your pregnancy, this is your time ... xx

  • Oh Hun I know exactly how you feel , and you know what know one will get it unless they have been or are going through it.  It's good for us to have a moan and let off steam I have often felt like punching my sister in law in the face because of her comments and believe me It would would give me so much pleasure lol. 

    Anyway, how are things going for you are you currently having treatment. It's certainly a long bloody road hey . Take care Hun xxx

  • Hello Aimaim77 we are just waiting for AF to arrive then it's back in for a Natural FET (we hope!!) I'm actually wondering if I should leave it a month as I'm starting to feel really tense again and it kind of filters through all aspects of my life. When we meet the doctor we have to "make our case" for a Natural Cycle but honestly I don't strength to battle I was just so unwell through the medicated cycle.

    How are you doing? X

  • Tee hee :)

  • I know it's not funny but your post made me giggle. Oh how we have all been there! Recently my mother told me all about some lady in her book club who swore by hynotherapy. It wasn't clear whether she thought the hypnosis would solve my 6 failed cycles of IVF, the two miscarriages or just the general misery- but great advice! 

    And it's not a car of what will be will be- you have to fight tooth and nail if you want your happy endings- and it would be lovely sometimes if someone outside of the infertility world recognised that. Chin up- have a gin xxxxx

  • I feel your pain and frustration dear. Its so hard for others to understand what its like dealing with infertility and well meaning comments just grate on already shattered nerves and confidences. what you are feeling and reacting to its completely normal dear.

     I am avoiding certain people and situations as just don't feel strong enough to be able to manage without either crying, getting very angry or both. which is kind of avoidance and am sure people think I'm being mega rude.  Take care and perhaps we don't always feel like we are coping very well- but we are trying

  • I am having a similar physical reaction to all the 'proud to be a mum photo' posts in Facebook at the moment. I have friends who do nothing but post about the wonders of being a mum and then  give me the pity look during coffee catchups because I can't comment on which brand of bottle reduces wind! 

    Everyone has a friend who has had the miracle conception but when I hear about it it just makes me think that they have taken my spot in 30% success rates. 

    This sucks. 

  • The worst ones are the ones who put the FB posts on about how being a Mum is the hardest job in the world, how tired they are, how much they have to do in their day, yadda yadda yadaa! Yes, we know, you have children, you are tired, you will be busy but you have the most amazing gift in the world so just do what you have to do and stop telling the world you're doing it! I guess that's the nature of FB in general though... End of rant haha x

  • That's exactly how I feel! A girl who works with my DH had successful IVF a week infront of us and he just admitted he's struggling to watch her bump grow and grow. God I've just started to cry!! It's so bloody unfair- I feel like we're being punished! 

  • Hope you are feeling a little brighter today - it's good to have a rant or a bit of a cry, helps keep us all sane x 

  • Thanks today was a bit better - eventually!! How are you getting on? X

  • I stopped telling my family about my IVF because they can't help but feel sorry for you & don't understand what it's like. Don't give up if you're not ready to. I had 9 explained failed transfers over 2 years of IVF, but finally got there in the end. All the best & continue venting if it makes you feel better. 

  • Thank you! X

  • I feel your pain! I spent my sunny Sunday at a family party sat between a group of mummies who spent the whole time discussing their children (most of which who highlighted their children were accidents!!!).  To try and escape I thought I'd join the older ladies who of course were talking about all their grand children :(

    will it ever be me???

  • Haha I love this! You're exactly right - as much as it's nice to read the success stories of the women on here who have been through their journeys with us, when others offer their pearls of wisdom it is seldom welcomed! I don't care that your best friends sisters work colleague got pregnant after a couple of years of trying because they 'just relaxed' and it happened. It's been over 10 years for us and at each stage they seem to find more complications. So take your 'inspirational' story and shove it!! hahaha 

    Keep smiling Hope 28, the gin will help! :) x o x o

  • 4 friends have told me they're pregnant in the past month, most recently today and I've just lost it. I just can't take the pain... Eek, 10 years is long. How do you decide enough is enough, defo getting closer to needing to change my outlook for the future (cue gut wrenching pains!) xxxx

  • 4 friends? That's gotta hurt, I'm sorry. It's awful because of course you're happy for them but it's really hard to accept sometimes when it never seems to be your turn. Sometimes we need to go into our shell a bit and feel sorry for ourselves. Well I think me and DH are lucky in one respect, we get on so well, we just enjoy spending time together and we've had a lovely life together so far (lots of up and downs of course! But we focus on the good). We've cared for my mother in law for the past 12 years but now we're focusing our own little family. We're forever hopeful that one day it will be our turn. And I know it will be. Until then there's all the heartache that goes in between. Keep smiling, keep fighting and keep the faith 🙏🏼 x x x

  • Yep, after my miscarriages, I had my MIL tell me she just had to blink and got pregnant each time no problem with her 2 boys. I don't know how she thought that would make me feel better! I suppose they feel they have to say something, even if it feels like what they're saying isn't helping.

  • I think most people who have been through IVF have had at least one person who has tried this "optimistic" approach. To be fair to your Aunt - it is sometimes difficult to know what to say. I actually said some insensitive-type things once before to a friend who had been trying for a long time and now that I think about it I cringe! Unless you have gone through it - you can really not understand it. People think that couples who have trouble are simply highly strung and that by just relaxing it will all happen but alas, we all know that is rarely the case! 

    I personally hate it when people say "what will be will be" even though that is supposed to be a more kind thing to say!

    By the way - your reaction is totally valid and justified X

  • I say " what will be, will be" before they have chance to say it, it ends the conversation before it goes too far.

  • Fortunately I haven't had anyone tell me to relax and it'll happen. One of my work colleagues has been the only one to share "My friend..." story, I replied that they were lucky and it doesn't work out like that for everyone. 

    I went to see a fertility reflexologist who at times was a little insensitive especially considering she is a fertility specialist eg "I believe our babies choose when to come to us" She knew I'd had 2 miscarriages. I can't remember what I said back but it was along the lines of my babies had decided to leave and our treatment had failed. I soon discovered that if I closed my eyes she didn't talk.  I mentioned her comments to my mum and a couple of friends who agreed she was a little insensitive, although probably well intentioned. 

    You could always start issuing fines!!!

  • Complete relate people think they r helping tell u about al the people that it just happened for but it doesnt help at all.

  • People can be pretty insensitive. My friend texted me to say she had 'big news' and could I call her. When I called the first thing she said was 'Don't worry - I'm not pregnant - I've been offered a new job'. Pretty insensitive - why did she even need to bring it up?! Xx

  • I met a pal for dinner and was telling her I've had to isolate myself for a while just being so low & quite pessimistic. "You MUST keep trying" she says... She with 3 children conceived naturally at home. You need to live this nightmare to believe how all encompassing it is and how devastating failure can be. I just nodded and looked out the window. I'm not going to try to explain my feelings anymore - I end up with my default "we'll be fine" (who is supporting who?!)

    Hope you're ok xx

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