So this might be a long one. My best friend told me she was pregnant the day I started my ivf injections. Over Christmas and New Years I didn’t hear much from her and what I did hear was a little insensitive. She said she knew how upset I was when she told me but then the night after text me to say that her husband was a little bit annoyed that people hadn’t been texting him and asked me to text him and congratulate him. When they found out it was twins she said “well have to come and live in your house” because I have a big house (and no kids!) and just a few other insensitive comments. Plus she just wasn’t there. No texts throughout to just say “hope your ok” or “thinking of you”.
I sent her a long message when she wanted to see me and said that I needed sometime away from her. That I felt a little let down by her due to her not being there and that I was struggling with her pregnancy. And that I didn’t expect her to understand as she hadn’t been through what I have trying to get pregnant. But I loved her and hoped that this didn’t effect our friendship.
So we just met up and I ended up walking out. She said that I was being selfish and not understanding how difficult things were for her at the time (because getting pregnant the first month you try is such a hard thing). I tried to explain that I just wanted a message every now and again from her. We argued for a bit and I said that I didn’t know where we went from here. She said that she agreed because our friendship has always been about being honest and she has felt like she had to walk on eggshells with me lately. She also said that I rolled my eyes when she told me she was pregnant because she said it happened straight away and that I owed her an apology. Wtf? Is it me or is she being really insensitive? When I said about her asking me to text her Hub straight away she said that I should have done that on my own. I said there were other people she should of asked but apparently as her best friend she thought I needed to do it.
I’m so upset right now I can’t even get out of the car! Anyway, I ended up walking out. Some nice words would be much appreciated. Love to you all xxx
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Violet5451
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Hi Violet. Sorry to hear you're in this position. It's so hard when it's a close friend because it's more difficult to distance yourself from the situation.
Did your friend know you were going through IVF at the time? It does sound like she was a bit insensitive and perhaps so wrapped up in her own news that she couldn't see what was going on in your life.
Perhaps you should have a chat. It's your best friend and you don't want to lose her right? I mean it sounds like you were both trying to talk it out, but theres been a lot of emotion and you both feel let down by each other.
You didn't roll your eyes right? So tell her you didn't. Explain that given your circumstances, it's hard for you to message her husband as if everything is ok. Really explain to her how difficult infertility is. Make it clear you don't want to lose your friendship but that it's hard when it's so close to home. If you need to, tell her her comments about your big house hurt you because you'd do anything to fill that home with children and a family.
People who dont experience infertility really have no idea how hard it is. It's only us couples who have to fight for a baby that seem to understand what a blessing it is and who appreciate that the world won't stop for us.
I do think she's asking a lot so you have to explain your perspective. I was always really secretive about our issues because I was ashamed and felt less of a woman, but I've come to realise that people just have no understanding so I wish I'd be more honest when they came out with stupid comments about when we were planning on having a family or the worst "oh kids are not all what they're cracked up to be".
Bit of a rant there sorry. But just be honest with your friend.
Hi and thank you for the reply. I did send a long message trying to explain how difficult I was finding it and how I was so happy for her but just really sad for me. And today when I met with her I tried to say all those things and explain myself again and she was just having none of it. I was in the wrong as I wasn’t there for her (although going through ivf at the time) and I should have automatically text her husband and all that. I don’t know what I could have done differently but in the end had to leave as I was getting upset and she was basically shouting at me in a cafe!
I wish it was as simple as just getting over it and moving on but I think somethings might be just too hard to move on from? Xxx
Sorry to hear she was so horrible in public. Sounds like you need a break from her. Let her cool down. Really doesn't seem like she can see it from your side which is a pity. Maybe with a bream it'll be ok. I hope you can both figure it out and wish you the best with your next cycle.
Thank you lovely. I’m actually extremely lucky to have caught in this cycle. That was part of the reason of meeting so I could tell her before anyone else did. I def think we need some space and who knows what will happen in the future. Sending lots of love and luck to you xxx
Sorry I meant 'break' not bream! I remember you posting the other day actually. Hope the spotting has stopped and you are less worried! Did you get to tell her your news?
I’m so sorry. That really sucks 😔. I think your right and that your BF is being insensitive and only thinking of herself. She might be pregnant but you would be too if you could be. She needs to understand it’s not all about her, but I guess maybe the pregnancy hormones are blinding her to anyone’s pain but her own!
My BF told me that she was pregnant the week after we found out that my OH didn’t make sperm and so we couldn’t have his biological children. She told me before she told anyone else because that’s what we do but burst into tears and said that she felt awful telling me this because it was the completely wrong time and she wished it was me. That helped.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Your happiness is as important as hers. Sending hugs xx
Thank you Hun. She was really sensitive when she told me about the pregnancy which I was really grateful for. But that just all seemed to go out the window. The sad thing is that the ivf worked for me and I’m not pregnant too. But I still feel so hurt by her and let down. She def is being selfish and if I look back on the friendship it’s always been all about her. Wishing you all the best lovely and thank you again for the reply xxx
Yeah it was really hard- tbh I felt like slapping her in the face. Thank you hunny for the reply and well wishes. Fingers crossed and millions of baby dust to you too.
Yes I do! You guys were the first people I told about this as I knew that you would all say lovely and useful things! I love this forum and support network so much! Xxx
I’m sorry that your friend has been so insensitive to you on what is a very hard time. They just don’t get it sometimes do they?! 😞 Perhaps you’re better off without her during your troubles and her pregnancy? Only you can answer that one though... this article was a lifesaver in my friendship with my two pregnant bffs when one in particular told me she didn’t really feel like we were friends anymore healthunlocked.com/api/redi... If you don’t want to lose your friend then I really hope that you can successfully navigate your way through this difficult path. Good luck xx
Hi, that article was beautiful and made me cry. Unfortunately I don’t think my best friend is as sensitive and empathetic as the best friend in this scenario especially after what she has said to me today. I would really like to keep my best friend but I think maybe too much water has gone under the bridge? Xx thank you for the reply hunny
Sorry you're having to deal with this, I can relate and you have to self preserve, my bf actually waited to tell me she was pregnant knowing we were going through treatment however that was just before transfer for me, this was when I miscarried and (would have been 8wks behind her) it was tough going but she respected my honesty and the times when I didn't want to see her, it's been testing but we've got through it. She's just given birth, inbetween which I've had two further failed cycles.
If she can't support you (because that's what you need now not the extra stress from a selfish bf) then my advice would be to distance yourself from her until/if you feel strong enough to deal with it.
It causes distance with most people I find as in one way or another you are protecting yourself from stupid or offensive comments daily which is both isolating and lonely! Is there anyone else you have to talk to about it for support?
Hi lovely, yes I have some other people to talk through things with. It’s just sad that’s all as we have been friends since I was a teenager. I think your right though. Distance might be best and who knows this might change in the future or it might not. Time will tell I suppose. Thank you for your reply lovely and wishing you all the luck in the world and lots of love xxx
Sorry to read about this, hearing that someone in your close circle is pregnant is so so hard, especially when they haven’t had any trouble & just take it for granted that getting pregnant isn’t always that easy.
I think you should just leave her to it for a while & enjoy your pregnancy - massive congratulations to you 😍 don’t let her insensitivity upset you anymore or ruin this time for you which will be made all the more special given what you’ve had to go through to get here!
Unless you’ve been in the situation we all find ourselves in, you could never truly understand how hard it is & so she’ll never get how it’s made you feel.
Hi lovely, thank you so much! This is just what I needed to hear! Yes, I think I will just leave her for a while and enjoy this time that I’ve been wishing and praying for. It’s just a shame that I’ve lost her but maybe it’s for the best! Thank you again for the reply... really helped. Wishing you so much love and luck lovely lady xxx
Thanks lovely. Yeah maybe in a few weeks but I’m just going to leave it for now. She is very needy and very insensitive. I’m actually shocked by the stuff that came out of her mouth today. Xxx
Hi violet5451, im sorry that u are in this position and can totally empathise with u! Sometimes people are only concerned with themselves. It sounds like she had a view in her head and no matter what u said she wasnt going to change that view. If you want to maintain a friendship with this person perhaps writing a letter with how u are feeling about everything might help. If it doesnt get the response u would like at least u know youve been able to put forward your views. She has maybe discussed her feelings with her partner or someone else and been told she is in tbe right (when she isnt). I hope whatever u decice to do that it works out xx
Hi TTC, hope your well. This is exactly the case. She had a view and nothing was going to change it. She kept telling me I wasn’t listening but I was... I just couldn’t quite believe what she was saying. I might try and write her a letter in a couple of weeks but think it’s just best to have a break for now.
Thank you for your lovely words. Sending you lots of love and luck lovely xxx
Yes a break sounds like a good idea. Sometimes as heartbreaking as it is these sort of situations bring to the fore those friends who are there for you and those who arent. The type of friends that take but never give. I know you are pregnant at the moment, just you enjoy your pregnancy, you have waited a long time for this 💞
Thank you lovely. Yes I am trying to just forget about her for a while and enjoy this time. It is heartbreaking but as you said maybe it is best me knowing rather than wasting more time on it than I already have. Thank you for your lovey words Hun xxx
She sounds like she’s been horrible. One of my friends was pretty horrible on my wedding day (not to me but it caused a problem) but it really was pregnancy hormones- she’s susceptible to hormonal surges anyway, and pregnancy did NOT bring out the best in her! It was not the same scenario but I thought I’d throw it out there that maybe she is stressed and hormonal too. Only you know if the way she has been today is in character and only you can decide if it’s a friendship worth keeping. If she’s regularly as self centered and selfish as this then maybe it’s just opened your eyes to what kind of friend she is. But if it’s a friendship worth saving then you might have to apologise for the things she thinks you’ve done wrong (whilst biting your tongue) and try to move forward together. Eventually she’ll probably realise how horrible she was to you and apologise but it might take a while... she is clearly pretty wrapped up in herself atm.
Thank you. Yes she is being pretty horrible. As much as I do feel like there are a lot of hormones mixed into the mix... I am not going to apologies as I don’t feel like I have done anything wrong. I know sometimes you have to just suck it up but even if I did it would not be the same between us without her apologising and that’s clearly not going to happen. Thank you for your wise words lovely xxx
I think that she’s given you your answer as to what to do then... leave it. Spend time with nicer friends. Enjoy being pregnant and being sensitive to others who may not share your joy. As she should have been.
Try to get some sleep tonight, knowing that we have all got your back!! 💜💜
Hi Sweetie. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m afraid to say that my relationship with my best friend broke down over something similar. I tried to keep it going while maintaining the distance I needed to for myself too but she was so angry at me. She just couldn’t see things from my point of view and it didn’t matter how many times I said sorry, she still held it against me. I miss our friendship but to be honest, the friendship wouldn’t have stayed the same. I know that from my other friendships. Once my friends became mothers they needed other friends who were experiencing the same thing. I stopped hearing from them. I just accept now that my friendships will be more fluid with people my own age. I have friendships with people who have older children but know that my friendships with people who currently don’t have children will be fine until they do. They will outgrow me and want something else for themselves. It’s one of the sadder realities that I’ve come to learn happens with infertility. I guess all I can say is prioritise yourself from now. I tried to ‘fix’ the friendship for about 2 years which was a mistake. I found it so difficult and it made the whole accepting of infertility so much harder. Only try to fix it if you think your friendship really will withstand it. That means she will love you despite you feeling jealous, she will love you enough to think about what she says before she says it and she will forgive you when you find it hard to be around her. I hope that whatever you decide it’s the best outcome for you. If you want to pm me about it I’m really happy to answer any questions about my experience. Big hug. It’s a rotten situation to be in and I really feel for you. xxx
Thank you for the reply. I wish the friendship could be salvaged but I think you are right when you say it won’t be the same. Even though now I have luckily caught through IVF , I think I have seen her true colours now. I still can’t believe some of the things she said to me yesterday. I was so shocked when she was saying them as I couldn’t believe how insensitive and horrible she was being. I don’t think I could look at her the same way after that so maybe it is best that we just go our separate ways. I think the main problem is it has always been one of those friendships that I give and she takes. It’s always her problems we talk about and my shoulder she leans on. When I really needed her she wasn’t there. And to her, that was my fault too as I should have been there for her because she felt poorly.
Thank you for your reply. You girls have made me feel so much better and I just hope that in a couple of days I won’t feel so upset about it all. Sending you lots of love and luck lovely xxx
That was the same with my friendship. I was always the strong one. I had a particularly tough time just before our infertility journey really started to rear it’s ugly head and I just couldn’t take on any more. It was self preservation in the truest sense.
Congratulations on your bfp. We have made the decision to accept our infertility and to just enjoy each other from here on in. We’ve been together for 14 years and just want to get back our fun times and make them last for as long as we’re blessed being together. Thank you for your well wishes though. All the best for a successful pregnancy. xxx
Thank you. This journey definitely takes over your life and we do all only live once so enjoy every moment with each other. Do crazy things and love each other to bits. Lots of love xxx
I'm really sorry violet for what you've gone through with your best friend bless you, I'm just going to say it how I see it and I'm sorry but it seems to me she's one of those people "like my mother" that get pregnant and expect the world to come falling at her feet treating her like she's something special and making the whole situation about her and not giving you or your feelings a second thought. Your by far not selfish and your most definitely not a narcissist which is what she sounds like. You should have done this and we'll need to move into yours. Rubbish she needs to go look for others that will entertain that, because no women going through the struggle we are has got the heart of an iron to put up with that.
If u ask me your better off out. You only can make that choice but from what you've posted you don't deserve that and she would have got a lot more home truths from me the precious little princess. I hope your feeling much better please don't get down over ppl that won't get down over you. They're not worth it. Keep strong surround yourself with positive decent loving caring ppl not the takers of the world because they'll suck you dry till you have nothing left.
Big hugs I hope I haven't upset you hun I needed to say how I seen the picture.
Thank you so much for your reply... I really needed it! She is selfish and it has always been about her to be honest. The one time I needed her she not only wasn’t there but threw it up in my face that I wasn’t there for her!!! I’m glad you think that it’s not me being over sensitive. I don’t expect people to understand what we go through but have some bloody empathy!!!
I do feel at the moment that I am better off out. She isn’t the person that I thought she was.
You haven’t made me feel upset at all, I needed someone to say it like it is and be angry like I am with her. I’m upset by her, but that will end soon enough.
I like the “precious little princess comment!”
Thank you so much for your reply, after a bad nights sleep I read it this morning and it really gave me the boost I needed!
I'm glad you took my reply well I'm very honest and say as I see. Precious little princess was going to be little bit&%$ but I didn't want to over step the mark.
You think about you and your pregnancy and those that care about you will be around you for you not for them. Keep focused positive and any negativity take out your life. Iv done that and tbh I don't have many ppl in my life now but I'm the happiest iv ever been with no leeches trying to drain me out of all I have. Glad your feeling better hun if you ever need a chat I'm here. Congratulations again hun it's about your family now nothing else matters
Thank you. Yes that’s what I’m going to do although I am a little scared as apart from family she was my only close friend. But onwards and upwards!
Thank you again for the help and support. I feel very lucky that we all have each other. The offer goes two ways... if you ever fancy a chat... just message me! Thanks again xxx
Don't thank me hun. It's what we're hear for to support one another. You never know down the line things might change for you both and you'll make up. Life's funny sometimes ,You take care lovely. 💗🤗😘
People who don't experience infertility don't know how hard it is, but I'm fed up of that excuse. It doesn't stop them having empathy!
My best friend told me she was pregnant when we were just about to start IVF (she didn't know about the IVF but did know we'd been trying for a decade). But she did it in such a gentle way that I honestly didn't feel like this at all - I was just happy for her. And I haven't been like that with any other pregnancy announcement previously.
So it is possible to get pregnant with very little trying (they'd only been together 6 months, but seeing me struggle she knew that it's not always easy so they wanted to start trying early - just in case they had problems) and still not be an insensitive cow, and it seems like your friend is being just that. If my friend had been like your friend I would have questioned whether I wanted her to stay my best friend or not.
With texting her hubby, by the sounds of it she is your friend, not him. I said congratulations to my best friends partner when I saw him but would never have thought I needed to text him straight away of he'd be upset! That's ridiculous.
But big hugs and super huge congratulations that the IVF worked
Thank you so much for your reply. Yes I’m going to stay away from her and just try to enjoy this time. I was sick for the first time this morning and I was so happy about it!!! Lol!!
Thank you for the support and sending you lots of love, hugs and luck xxx
So many emotions at play here, I feel angry and upset for you! I think time & space will definitely help... no point in trying to make amends until you are both calm & cool as cucumbers. I am so happy you got your BFP - it’s just so wonderful! So kick back and enjoy your pregnancy... the stressful stuff should be bottom of the priority list xx
Thank you so much! I am so happy about the bfp although very scared something will go wrong but I think that’s natural! I am going to just leave her alone for now and not bother with her. If she comes to me in a couple of months I can see how I feel then. But I think I’m better off out of it!
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Excluded from family baby shower 💔
I'm new here. My sister just text me to announce her pregnancy :-( I just can't cope.
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Was I put on this earth to just look after other people’s babies?
