Hi all I've never posted to a group before, or even joined an online forum but felt like I need to!
First cycle egg retrieval was yesterday and although I'm managing the physical symptoms ok (some pain), it's the mental that have caught up with me.
I don't know if I've been kidding myself that IVF isn't as hard as people say, or whether that's been self protection, but yesterday afternoon when I got home I genuinely felt so traumatized by the whole thing! Maybe it's caught up with me?
The weird thing is that the sedation was great - more please!! It's the feeling of almost being violated somehow by how intrusive it all is, off the back of having to inject constantly and go into the clinic for scans so often.
I've finally realized that this is a lot, and now I begin the 5 day wait before hopeful transfer....
I guess I'm just reaching out to say that I don't feel like me anymore and as someone who has boughts of depression I am a bit sad this has caught up with me.
Hopefully someone understands!
M x
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Marg29
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Wishing you great luck on your first cycle. I remember my first cycle being the worst. It is all an unknown and I was constantly crying. I suffer from IBS which flared up very badly as well. It is not an easy process so go easy on yourself and acknowledge how strong you are to have taken the decision to do this and go through the procedures and meds. Don't feel sad that it caught up with you. I think it is better that it has so that you get your feelings out. And talking to people on this forum or people in your circle that you can trust helps.
I think I have done ten cycles, done so many I lost count! And as I said the first was my worst. So don't be hard on yourself and acknowledge your feelings while forging forward. I hope your cycle goes well 😀
Hi Marg29, it’s totally normal to have times in this process when we feel completely overwhelmed and upset. I think the back to back appointments, remembering to take the meds, juggling work etc keeps us busy but when we stop the reality dawns on us that it’s a long, expensive, emotional journey!
I had a big cry yesterday, over nothing really, like you I think everything got to me. I’ve found talking to my husband and walking my dog really helps.
Take it easy and try to do something today that makes you feel good! Hopefully it’ll reset your mind and you might feel a little better. Sending lots of luck for your first cycle. 🧡
Also, I’d never joined a forum before this one but I can honestly say it’s been so helpful. It’s full of women with great advice and reassuring words, it definitely makes me feel a lot less alone. X
Thank you Red Fox. I've started journaling about it this morning to try and get some of the thoughts on paper which has helped, but I'm definitely going to follow your advice and do something nice today. I also need to speak to my husband because I don't think he understands! It's a bit like his life can just carry on and he thinks all is fine! It's probably better to cry and get it out, like Infragilis said. I wish you love and luck too. Thank you 💗❤️
Aw sweetie it’s everything that is so overwhelming - it’s the feelings that go with the physical process, the hope, trying not to hope so it’s easier if it doesn’t work, the constant thinking and overthinking. Personally found it and the time leading up to it of TTC the most emotionally draining time of my life. So go easy on yourself, it’s really motherf@“king hard. On the plus side, you get through this and you’re bulletproof.
I feel like I can do anything if I can do this! It's so much harder than I thought. I was so naive going into it and I've definitely had my eyes opened. Thank you for just understanding! It really makes so much difference not to feel alone in this M xx
You’re not alone, but if you want someone to share your feelings with that isn’t family or friends, helena tubridy (give her a google) is a great fertility therapist (she’s Irish but can do zooms) who did EMDR therapy with me and it really helped me so much in getting out of my head. Best of luck to you 🤗🤗🤗🤗
Oh that's funny because I have EMDR therapy anyway! luckily I've got a session booked in for after IVF finishes, but thank you. I'm glad it's helped you too xx
I absolutely felt the same way very overwhelming and felt like my body wasn’t mine anymore and I wasn’t in control of anything. It’s very isolating experience but it will pass you your focus will shift onto the next task and that will drive you through All the best with this and it does get better x
I know exactly how you feel, with my 1st round of IVF I was a little naive and thought it would be a breeze, I’d go through this process and then I’d be pregnant. I had so many curve balls with my 1st round and learnt so much about my body that I didn’t know and came too light.
I don’t think anyone can actually prepare you properly for IVF especially the emotional side. I’m in the middle of my 2nd cycle enduring the 2ww and it feels 10 times more intense and emotional than before. I’m much more clued up as I had to educate myself more than what the doctors would tell me and I know what disappointment feels like yet still trying to stay positive and hopeful a 2nd time.
It’s a rollercoaster ride at times you’re so consumed by the process you think of nothing else, you feel like your life is on hold, then other times you soldier on - honestly it really is a case of if “I can get through IVF I can get through anything”. God willing with all the hardships we go through we will see the rainbow after the storm. Good luck and all the best, just know you’re not alone xx
Oh wow! Best of luck with your TWW - I am so hopeful for you 🙏 I think you are right, you can't be prepared until you are in it. It's just so much more than I thought but it's actually so helpful to hear someone else say they were naive and thought they would walk it. Makes me feel less silly! Will be thinking of you ❤️
I wanted to add something to the excellent advice other people have already posted. You mentioned feeling “violated” in your post, and I just wanted to acknowledge that feeling. My first egg retrieval was quite painful (they offered no sedation as first, then had to fully sedate me because I was in a lot of pain), and when my husband saw my face after, he said it looked like I had been raped. I am sorry for using such a strong word, but the sense of physical violation in the depths of your intimacy is something that I rarely see spelled out in these forums, and yet I think it’s a relatively common experience. It took me a while to be able to have sex again, not because of the physical recovery, but because of the mental block at having more stuff going on inside me (again, apologies for being crude). I don’t know if this is what you are experiencing, but if it is, please do find someone to talk to and take the time to explain it to your partner. They can be quite clueless, but putting words on how you feel will help them support you through this. Sending you lots of love.
Oh Melian, this is awful. I'm so so sorry you felt this way I was sedated but I was aware of something going on down there, which is where the feeling comes from. Thank you for sharing and I really hope you are in a good head space. It's so hard and there's SO much you don't know when you go into this.
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very overwhelming and felt like my body wasn’t mine anymore and I wasn’t in control of anything. It’s very isolating experience but it will pass you your focus will shift onto the next task and that will drive you through 
All the best with this and it does get better x
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