Can’t go on, but not ready to give up…

[Daisy-Delilah]

Hey! I hope everyone is doing as well as they can on this difficult journey.

I’m just feeling absolutely broken and empty after the latest knock and just wondering how everyone else continues to keep going?

A bit of background…

TTC 2 years then diagnosed with PCOS and started down ivf route

Had 6 cancelled cycles due to OHSS twice, then my lining wasn’t thick enough

Hysteroscopy found that I had severe scarring (no reason why) and it was removed and I took medication to try and resolve it

Covid happened and we had to wait 3 months

Started again and had another cancelled cycle due to thin lining

Next cycle we tried a non standard protocol where I inject gonal f alternate days to stimulate 1/2 follicles and the natural oestrogen thickens my lining- I had a lining of 4.6mm and my consultant let us have a go as fortunately we had 15 embryos and we also tried naturally at the same time- this was successful with my gorgeous LB

18 months ago we started trying for a sibling

1st cycle - BFP but unfortunately ended in MMC and after 2 x medical management unsuccessful, I had a D&C

2nd cycle cancelled as lining wasn’t thick enough but managed to conceive naturally, went to 6 week scan and found there was nothing there - it had ended as a chemical pregnancy

3rd cycle - another chemical

4th cycle - BFN

I had another hysteroscopy which was inconclusive so went for a 5th cycle

5th cycle - BFN

I had another hysteroscopy under GA which found more scarring which was from the D&C and basically told me I’d been wasting my time the whole last year as it would have been near impossible for the embryo to survive there

Follow up hysteroscopy showed the scarring had been successfully removed although very thin areas in my uterus so hoped next transfer would ‘land’ in the right place

6th cycle - poor response to meds and lining didn’t thicken so meds dramatically increased, I was told it could be because I’ve put on some extra weight! BFN

7th cycle we took an extra month off to have a break and family holiday, started taking stims, higher dose due to poor response last time. On Saturday the scan looked good. Lining trilmainar and 5.2 (good for me) with quite a few large follicles.

Then yesterday I went for re scan and was told I had over responded to the meds and there were too many follicles, I could either cancel the cycle due to risk of OHSS or do an egg collection (although no guarantee this would work as I may ovulate too early) given 30 mins to decide. So we decided to cancel the cycle. I was given busereline to releases the eggs although given strict instructions not to have sex.

Hoping we can start again in two weeks but told unlikely that my ovaries will have gone down by then.

I’m also questioning whether we should do an egg collection while I’m still 39, as my consultant told my my remaining 7 embryos that are grade C are unlikely to work. But we really hadn’t wanted to do this as I’m high risk for OHSS.

So now my heads a mess.

I’m really struggling to keep carrying on, with set back after set back. I know I’m so lucky to have my LB but I feel like such a failure for not being able to give him a sibling.

I’m struggling to be in touch with all my friends as there’s just one pregnancy after another popping up.

I can’t bare to give up on another child, but don’t know if I’m wasting my time and should just call it a day.

Thanks for everyone who’s read so far xxxxx

[Doodlebug23]

Why is the consultant saying grade c unlikely to work?? I’d say do a double transfer personally and see what happens.

You don’t sound ready to give up. Just utterly fed up which is totally understandable x

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to Doodlebug23]

Thank you lovely.

I did a double transfer last time but unfortunately wasn’t to be. It’s difficult as my uterus has so many problems it could be that or the embryos.

My consultant said that they don’t even freeze C’s anymore and they are unlikely to result in pregnancy. My hubby says we can’t give up on our potential future child.

I was feeling really optimistic but tbh this has just given me a real knock and I can’t seem to snap out of it 🙁 x

[Doodlebug23 in reply to Daisy-Delilah]

You know I did 3 doubles before finally just 1 stuck. So I’m all for get them in and give them a chance. I had no known issues but still took 7 transfers. I do think it sometimes is really down to luck.

How would you feel about not giving those frozen ones a chance? Is it a case of transfer them or if not what happens to them?

Maybe find yourself just a little bit of breathing space and time to process it? I know you can do this! Whatever you decide to do! Get some Lion King on and sing along with little one and just forget about it all even just for a tiny while. X

[Skittles11 in reply to Daisy-Delilah]

If you follow emmatheembryologist on Instagram - she is extremely knowledgeable - you could consider asking her this question about the chances of a Grade C embryo or she may have something on her page about it already x

[ToffeeLou]

hello Daisy-Delilah, I’m so sorry to hear how difficult it has been for you. I don’t have any advice but just wanted to message and show some support. This is such a tough journey but you’re not on your own🙏

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to ToffeeLou]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Xxxx

[Skittles11]

Oh my gosh, if you have 7 embryos I think personally it's worth trying those before putting yourself through further egg collections. Remember the gradings are a snapshot in time as well. 7 embryos gives you a great chance IMO x x

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to Skittles11]

Thank you! It’s just so difficult as that’s what we thought made sense but my consultant recommended doing a fresh egg collection at this age rather than use the garden C embryos from when I was 34! Thank you for your positivity xxx

[Hopewhite]

hi lovely I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this, it’s really unfair , just give yourself a little bit to get it all out and hopefully you can dust yourself off and start all over again. All the set backs are really frustrating but if you’re still willing to try , it’s worth every effort. Sending lots of love and strength your way xx

[Daisy-Delilah in reply to Hopewhite]

Thank you lovely. I hope you are ok too xxxx

[Hopewhite in reply to Daisy-Delilah]

I just remembered there is this website by an embryologist that someone from this forum recommended to me , perhaps you could reach out to them for a second opinion or find something useful here

remembryo.com/

[HollyT7]

you said it yourself, your not ready to give up…that’s why you can go on. I’d be having nookie and hoping one stuck 🤣 only joking…well maybe 🙄

Look,,,,your body sounds like it’s trying its best, just not quite getting it right, I don’t think it’s time to give up, I think it’s time to get that fire in your belly again, reset and slap this thing right in the face.

You’ve done this so many times and kept on going. When it’s time to give in, you won’t need to question it, either because the fire is gone, or that babe is in your arms ❤️

Give your head some space to have a bad day or two and feel those sad, angry emotions, then decide which day (literally) that your going to wake up and think let’s have you!!

Make yourself get that feeling back of when you first started, not the ones of anxiety and the unknown, the ones filled with the hope that got you your little one that’s probably snoozing away right now. Purposely think a positive thought about things when you start thinking of a bad one. If you had a glass of water and it started to taste nasty, you wouldn’t keep drinking it, you’d go get a fresh one right?

Remember when you had days before your little one and your head would tell you that it would never happen- they were wrong weren’t they?

Rooting for you girl! ❤️❤️