I never thought this would be my first post but I got my first ever BFP with my 3rd FET, we transferred our last 2 embryos and have just been for my seven week scan to find that I have miscarried 💔
I knew yesterday really as I had really bad cramps and started seeing light brown discharge, the scan just confirmed it.
- How do you get through this agonising heart ache?
- How do you find strength to start all over again with a new cycle?
- How do you navigate work when miscarrying?
Thank you for any and all responses 😢
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Faffiesocks
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I'm really sorry to see your news. It is awful to go through this. I have had 3 losses of different natures and it is a very difficult and upsetting space to be in. I would say just go easy on yourself, get through each day at a time, do small things that bring you some small sense of happiness e.g. if you like pizza, treat yourself to one. Cry if that feels right, let your emptions out. Some people also find counselling is helpful, does your clinic offer this? With starting again, I would say it is about giving yourself a little bit of time. I know in the fertility world this is not easy but rushing back in can be hard too because it is all very raw. In terms of work, you can get signed off and you can ask the doctor not to be specific if you do not want to share the reason e.g. they can state gynecological issue. X x
Thank you so much for your message, I’m so sorry to hear you have been through this 3 times. It’s so emotionally painful I’ve never felt anything close to this. I imagine my hormones are still high which won’t be helping either. Thank you for your advice, I think I may look into the counselling as my clinic do offer it. I decided to tell my work this afternoon, they have been quite good and said not to even think about work and take as long as I need. I just don’t really know what I need right now but I suppose over time it will become clear. I’ve not started bleeding yet so that may change things a bit.
Thank you again, it’s nice having support from people that know what it’s like and I hope you are in a better place in your journey 💕 x
Sorry you're going through this. How I coped was giving myself time to grieve. It's a very real loss, so be kind to yourself. If you need a good cry or scream into a pillow, go for it. I also found it useful to stay away from social media. The last thing you want to see when you've experienced a miscarriage is seeing baby pictures or baby announcements. And, finally, do all the things you can't do while pregnant. Whether that's going on a foreign/active holiday, going to a spa and trying out all the saunas, or going out on a fancy date and drink some wine. Whatever you want to do, do it. I'm quite an active person so doing challenges, like running a marathon or signing up for a duathalon helped me as I knew those were things I enjoy but couldn't do while pregnant.
Also, take your time. Don't feel like you have to rush back into treatment. The one positive that came out of my miscarriage was that it proved that I could get pregnant after multiple failed transfers. I waited 6 months, to give myself a much needed break, before trying again with PGT-A tested embryos and I'm now 25 weeks pregnant.
I was lucky with work in the fact that my colleagues were really understanding, so my boss knew about my miscarriage. I understand that not everyone's work is like that, however. My work allowed me to take whatever time off I needed to attend appointments or go to counselling, as long as I got my work done. So I suppose it depends on the culture in your workplace and how comfortable you are opening up to them. I should also add that, when I started IVF, I sent my colleagues (I worked in a small team) some short YouTube videos explaining the IVF process and how it mentally impacts the women going through it. They responded really well to it and it actually got one of my colleagues to open up with how they were suffering from post-natal depression.
Thank you for the advice and for your experience and story. It gives me some hope which is what I really need right now. I think I want to get our embryos PGT-A tested on the next cycle, we just did an NHS round so it wasn’t an option but I think it will be worth doing next time. We have male factor infertility, my husband has a complete blockage in his epididymis so he had to have sperm extraction via operation. So all of the sperm we have is testicular sperm which can go on to make babies but I think it’s not quite as mature. He also has a chromosome inversion which can mean a slightly higher chance of miscarriage if passed onto the embryo. I’ve just ordered ‘it starts with the egg’ book as I know that talks more about PGT-A testing.
Thank you so much for all your advice and kind words, and congratulations! 🌈 x
Just a word of caution on It Starts With the Egg. I think it totally inflates how much control you have over anything and, personally, caused me a lot of anxiety.
I wish, for you and ne, that I could tell you different, but honestly there is sweet F.A. you can do to prevent miscarriages. Whether you get told a reason or not, it wasn't your fault or your partners. It just happened. Sometimes science can give an explanation (and PGT-A can be part of that) but sometimes it can't, and that's just because the research hasn't been done.
I so know the desire to want to change something to stop it happening again but, really, it's not within your control to do so. Don't take that responsibility on.
I highly recommend, instead, Jennie Agg. She's on Instagram etc and also has a book and a newsletter. For me, that gas felt like a less anxiety producing space.
So sorry to read your post - thinking of you Do not be too hard on yourself and allow yourself time to grieve Might be an idea to take advantage of the counselling appointment you should be offered while receiving treatment
I’ve had 3 myself, my latest just last week and it’s just really, really rubbish and difficult and a heavy time. Right now it’s very raw, so I’d say allow yourself to grieve and feel everything you feel. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, do it. If you want to eat everything naughty then also do it! Look for joy in the small things and focus on healing.
Everyone is different but for me with my previous two losses, I just wanted to crack on and go again as soon as I was able to. With this last one, I feel I owe it to myself and my husband to give us a little break for a few months. Miscarriage is tough to go through so we owe ourselves some grace and love.
As for work, I was always very open about what I was going through, and actually as I left work (a couple years back now), they were introducing a miscarriage policy which allowed those experiencing one to take two weeks paid leave. Would your company maybe have something like that or is there someone in HR you trust to talk to? If you need some time off to get through the physical bit especially, then take it. Work will always be there. Right now, look after you.
I’m sorry to hear you are going through this too and not for the first time. It’s shear agony and I feel I have sort of lost my grip on reality the last few days. Everything upsets me and I can’t seem to find comfort in anything other than my husband but naturally we can’t be joined at the hip until we’re through this.
Work have been great so far now that I have told them, they have told me to take a week off and it will be covered by my sickness benefit so will be paid. But I don’t think they have had anyone go through this before so hopefully it will provoke a few changes like it has at your old work place. My struggle is wanting to go back. A lot of my anger and upset seems to be channeling into how much I hate my job and want to leave, I never felt that so strongly before. I have good and bad days at work but I’ve never actually wanted to leave. But because of how I’m feeling right now, I can’t seem to shake that feeling. I’m hoping it passes and it’s just my hormones and everything else because I’m not financially secure enough to leave my job right now and starting a new cycle in the future I’ll need all the money I can get.
How you’re feeling is actually very similar to how I felt with my first loss which hit me really hard. Particularly with how you’re feeling about your place of work.
I had a really supportive and understanding manager and business, but I just didn’t care about my job post loss. Every meeting I had, every disagreement about irrelevant things, every “crisis mode” talk about something that really was very far from a real life crisis just drove me further into a dark space. It was just a job to me, something that paid the bills and when I went through my loss, it all just seemed so irrelevant. One of the silver linings of going through everything I was during lockdown was that I didn’t have to face anyone as I stayed at home, and even when the office reopened I never returned because my treatment still made me high risk.
What I did find is that my miscarriages and my IVF actually made me stronger in a way. Once I felt I crumbled, I then slowly rebuilt myself and work was put into perspective. I stopped caring about working silly hours and trying to do everything all at once and I just did what I could. I think it actually made me more efficient!
Anyway, my point is that right now your loss is all consuming and it’s raw and far more important than any job. Sometimes it takes something heavy to happen for us to reevaluate whats important in our lives and helps us to make a change with time.
If you need more than a week, take it. I actually took 5/6 weeks + a phased return to work with my first loss as it really broke me and triggered anxiety and eventually sadly for me, depression (also linked to my job that I just didn’t care about).
One of the things that actually kept me going was the IVF, the wanting to jump straight back in and put everything into it. That doesn’t work for everyone but it’s what I felt I needed at the time.
Take care of yourself first, you’ll be okay with time.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's heartbreaking to go through this. Let yourself grieve—cry if you need to, talk to someone you trust, or write down your feelings. Take things one day at a time, the strength to move forward will come gradually. At work, try to be kind to yourself. If possible, take some time off or let your boss know what's going on so they can understand. I know it feels impossible to think about starting a new cycle, but don't close that door just yet. When you're ready, you'll find the strength to try again. Sending you love and strength during this tough time. x
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had 5 consecutive miscarriages before having my son. I didn’t properly deal with the grief and rushed into trying to get pregnant again each time which led to a mental breakdown. I really recommend counselling as that helped me process it all. Take care of yourself x
I feel like I’m having a bit of breakdown now to be honest which might be because I have done the same. After our first 2 failed rounds, I didn’t want to process it or think about it even, I just wanted to move forwards and jump into trying again.
I know it’s early days as it only happened a few days ago but I just can’t seem to stop the irrational thoughts. I feel like there is nothing else in this world that can bring me the joy that I so badly want. Nothing could replace it or even come close to making me happy, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve stepped into a bit of a dark territory and I don’t know how to get back. I can only hope it’s the hormones and that it fades over time.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so devastating after the excitement of your first bfp. Please look after yourself and speak to you loved ones about how you're feeling. Don't hold it in.
That's great about your work giving you time off. Hopefully that gives you the time you need to grieve. You're not only grieving the loss, but also the failed attempts and the life you were planning when you started trying, so do take all the time you need.
I found the counselling session I had through my clinic really helpful. They really validated my feelings and it was just a weight off my shoulders. I waited a week or so after my mc before contacting them, because I just didn't know what to say at first but what works for you may be different.
Also, as someone mentioned above - avoid social media.
I am just about to start my 2nd egg collection after having 1 fresh and 3FETs (3 losses, 1 failed). I really would suggest giving yourself enough time to come to terms with this before thinking about starting again though xx
Thank you for this advice, I think I probably should get some counselling. I’ve avoided it for so long as I’ve always though that nothing anyone can say can make this whole thing any better, I’m so honest with myself about my feelings and thoughts and so there isn’t much I’m holding in or haven’t explored (so I think anyway) but maybe I’d get something else from it.
I’m sorry you haven’t had success so far but I think it’s amazing you are going again. I wish you all the luck and hope everything goes well. I want to go again and we definitely will, I’m just struggling to think positively about it right now. I fear that another round for us could just be more heart break. But as you say, hopefully time will heal before we start again and I’ll feel more positively about it.
So sorry to hear your news. We've had multiples and it doesn't really get any easier.
Just briefly, on the work point, any time off you have due to miscarriage counts as pregnancy related sickness, so cannot be used against you in anyway. That's from hearing the diagnosis and covers mental and emotional needs to be off work. This may vary if you take time at a later date, rather than right away.
If your workplace feels safe enough, I'd encourage you to ask either GP, clinic consultant or EPU (if you've been seen there) to sign you off. Personally, and this really is only personal opinion, I'd suggest 2 weeks as a minimum. You don't need to be scared of the physical process, but I'd ignore any 'period like' BS that you get told. It's not period-like, it's miscarriage like, and it takes a while (I'd say circa 8-12 weeks, based on my experience) to really start feeling like yourself again. Your body is gong through a lot, not to mention your mind.
If it feels safe to do so, take the time away from work to process l. I understand the feelings of just wanting to get back to normal, but thus really isn't normal times, so give yourself space to deal with that.
Try to find even tiny things that bring you joy each day (just teeny tiny, like having clean teeth or a bit of chocolate or something sunshine) and be so gentle with yourself.
You will heal. It won't be like before, it does change you, but you will be OK again and even happy again, but give yourself time and space to get there.xx
I’m so so sorry 😢 that must have been heartbreaking 💔 from my experience all you can do is take your time right now to deal with what’s happening with each day and not worry about the what’s next. When the time comes to try again I always find the strength, although a little more jaded than before, there is always hope and another chance. I haven’t had to take time off with miscarriages as the worst physically has mostly happened at weekends but I do take a long weekend or a holiday shortly afterwards to help my mental recovery xx
Sorry, one final thing, really do talk through and think through your options (medical, surgical and natural management) for the physical process of miscarriage.
I'd recommend you make a choice, as that does help you feel empowered. Your EPU can help with this if your clinic does not.
Expectant (natural) management has the plus of being at home, but the wait can feel quite anxious and a bit without reassurance.
Medical has downsides due to physicality of process (speeds it up, can be all things from all available exits at once and, depending on drugs, can impact when you can try again).
Surgical can be painful, if not under general, and has minor possibilities of injury (very minor!).
I've had natural ones and surgical management (whilst awake). If the wait doesn't make you anxious, then natural is least bad option that I've had. Stock up on proper painkillers and speak to Miscarriage Association, or EPU/clinic etc, about what to physically expect/see at your gestation.
If you go down surgical route, check what pain relief will be and use than to inform whether you have general anaesthetic or not.
Can't comment on medical but I've generally seen as most bad option for me.
Sorry, I know it's a lot of info when your brain is already full, but just thinking through what I wish I'd known/been guided/given active choice about with my first.
Also, in medical terms, miscarriages are a small event (because the risk if mortality is so very small). That belies how big they feel when it is your baby and your body. So don't feel you have to make your experience smaller. It's OK for it to feel big and to ask for support in that.
sorry to hear that I had the same during my third stimulation round and second transfer, positive and miscarried. I did another transfer later and it didn’t work anyway. It’s tough especially since the earlier positive news builds up this hope and you already start to imagine a new life with baby 😭 Take a break from work if you can, go on a trip and do some things that you enjoy. For me, I had to tell myself to let go, and start to accept it isn’t happening for me. Not saying that you should, but do something nice for yourself and then maybe you can find the energy to continue with more ivf rounds? All the best ❤️
Hello, you don't t no yet but you will find a straight to keep going.On that point you dont know how brave you are but you gonna be surprised how much strength you have
I am dealing with lost my baby boy Cobe in 38 weeks and I know it's not the end . If I can do, you will find your way my soldier.
Hei Faffiesocks , so sorry you are going through this, I am somewhat in the same boat.
On the NHS, first FET failed implantation, second was a BFP but they didn't find a heartbeat at 7 weeks scan or at 8 weeks and now 3 weeks later I am going in for surgical management of miscarriage (local anaesthetic). For me the first two weeks after we got the news felt very frantic, I cried a lot randomly and couldn't focus at work at all, but by now I have gotten used to the idea a little and it is a bit better.
What I did first was I tried to look into any tests I could do to investigate whether it might be me rather than just an aneuploid embryo but there is a lot of snake-oil selling out there. In the end I will go talk to a specialist from a private practice (did a lot of research to find a reputable one who isn't very trigger-happy when it comes to recommending stuff you don't really need). I do this just because I need to feel like I am doing something extra/different before we try again. But the reality is that this whole process is very very random and one miscarriage usually means nothing, so I am also probably throwing away some money.
As to miscarriage management, I went with local anaesthetic because I didn't want any more hormones in my system from the miscarriage pills over all the other hormones I'm getting, but that's a very personal choice. I didn't go with total anaesthesia because I would need to stay in the hospital overnight and it just seemed like too much. I will however insist on a lot of painkillers with my local anaesthesia, and hopefully everything will be fine.
I am quite new in my job so didn't want to tell my boss I was going through a miscarriage, but I did tell him I will be doing a minor surgical intervention and I might need some time off after, and he was understanding. I work fully from home tho' so I am hoping I will be able to take it easy physically, and I think I will welcome the distraction of work so I will try to not take too much if I am feeling more or less ok physically.
I will also say book a counselling session with the NHS clinic, they tend to have a long waiting list. I booked one last week for 23 July, it was the first slot they had and it was a cancellation, so the earliest you book it the better. But they are very good to talk to in situations like this.
I'll also take a couple of months at least to recover and get my body somewhere closer to normalcy before we try again, at the moment I couldn't imagine getting started again after all this shizzle, especially as the process isn't even completed yet.
Last but not least, I am trying to look at it like this: it's the first time ever I got a BFP, so at least it shows that it's possible for my body to get pregnant. It's not nothing
Thank you for the message and I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this too 💔 can I ask what your story is with infertility, do you know your cause?
I feel quite frantic and irrational and not at all normal. It really is like my world has stopped turning. It’s good to know that someone else has felt the same early on too.
I have started to bleed today so I am going to manage it naturally. But I have no idea what to expect I terms of how long it will take to fully pass. If I’m honest, I think it was a MMC or chemical as they couldn’t see anything at all on the scan at 7 weeks. So I’m hoping that it might not be as heavy or as painful (?). So far it feels like a normal period in full flow.
Have you thought about PGT-A testing? I think we will do that on our next cycle.
Thank you for the caring message, I really appreciate it 💕 all these little bits of support and so incredibly helpful.
So far they couldn't uncover anything particularly wrong with either me or my partner, so we are classed as unexplained - primary subfertility. But we are on an NHS funded cycle so they don't dig super deeply, which is why I am looking to do some more private tests before we restart the fun. I have done some private tests abroad before the stims and I have a gene mutation that could make my blood more clotty, which is why I was on Clexane, and a very low number of ANA antibodies, but neither of those are necessarily a cause for infertility. If you can get PGTA I would say deffo get it. NHS's reason for not testing, besides money, is that it does not improve your chances of conception, but it saves you a lot of trauma which after the last months I would say is totally worth it. I don't know if we will qualify for another funded cycle but if we do then there will be no PGTA, and if we don't it depends a lot on how much it pushes up the bill and whether we will be able to afford it. There are so many unknowns in this process it's better to not think too far ahead.
On the plus side, if you also have unexplained infertility, there is research showing that women are actually more fertile in the three months following a miscarriage, so maybe you can try naturally if you are feeling up to it in a month or so?
It's honestly great that you started bleeding naturally, at least that is one less thing to worry about. And it's also great that it feels like a normal cycle.
In my case there was a yolk sac at a certain point but it got resorbed, and now I just have a sac that actually grew a bit between week 8 and week 9 (when I had my last scan at the EGU). So it looks like I will need medical management unless I start bleeding between now and Tuesday.
We're all in this s**t together and I like to think that this experience is going to make us better, more empathetic humans who understand joy and sorrow more profoundly than other people, which is a beautiful thing of you think about it so big hug, chin up and good luck :*
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I had the same during my third stimulation round and second transfer, positive and miscarried. I did another transfer later and it didn’t work anyway. It’s tough especially since the earlier positive news builds up this hope and you already start to imagine a new life with baby 😭 Take a break from work if you can, go on a trip and do some things that you enjoy. For me, I had to tell myself to let go, and start to accept it isn’t happening for me. Not saying that you should, but do something nice for yourself and then maybe you can find the energy to continue with more ivf rounds? All the best ❤️
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