Another miscarriage

Just need to write this all down. Until yesterday I was 8 weeks 4 days pregnant. This was our 5th round of IVF and we lost twins 16 months ago at 13 weeks. I am 37 and married 4.5 years to the loveliest man. I had terrible ulcerative colitis in my 20s with lots of drugs and surgery and the working assumption is that that is the reason for my infertility.

After losing the twins and having two unsuccessful cycles afterwards I had pretty much given up hope of ever having a baby that was biologically mine but then we had a miracle and our 5th cycle made two embryos one of which worked. I thought maybe just maybe this was our break.

7 week scan showed a good heartbeat but baby was a bit small so we went back yesterday for another scan. Scan showed it hadn't developed and heartbeat was too slow. And today another scan showed no heartbeat and there is a mass of blood and the sac is starting to collapse. I'm booked in for surgery on Monday.

I am broken. How can this happen again? Losing the twins was the worst thing I'd ever been thorough and now we have to do it again but with less hope that we will ever sort this out. We've spent so much time and emotional and financial resources and we have nothing. I just want to be a mum and want my husband to be a dad. Don't know how to cope with this, I'm just so sad. Thank you for being here for me to vent to.

18 Replies

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  • I'm so sorry.

    We lost naturally conceived twins at 8 weeks but it was a missed miscarriage so we didn't know until 12 week scan. Prior to that another miscarriage from natural pregnancy.

    We've since had 3 rounds of ICSI, 3rd round with donor eggs. We only got 2 embryos from each round and 3 BFNs.

    I understand your frustrations after so much emotional, physical & financial effort that you've got no baby/babies. It's so hard and I too feel very sad that I'm not going to be a mum and my hubby isn't going to be a dad. We've decided to cease treatment.

    It might help to access some counselling to help you through this very difficult time. I found the Miscarriage Association website & helpline useful.

    Your consultant should offer a follow up but they often don't know why treatment fails or why miscarriages happen, it's so unfair.

    Take care of yourselves.

  • Thank you-in so sorry for what you've been through and it must have been a difficult decision to decide to stop. Thank you for sharing your story with me, makes me feel less alone x

  • It's been a hard few years and a difficult decision to stop .Many factors involved age (now 43), money (Β£20k plus so far), emotional impact (can't face any more tests or BFNs).

    Thinking of you today.

  • I'm so very sorry to read your message and send you a massive virtual hug. I don't pretend to know how you feel, as everyone is different, but I know that I have/am still struggle after my miscarriage last year. I have started going to counselling to 'let off steam' as I had/still have so much upset/anger/frustration/feelings of uselessness that I need to learn to accept. Maybe you could consider this option as something for the future if/when ready. In the meantime, take some time to look after yourself and share your emotions and keeping talking with your partner as well. I know it's the last thing on your mind but I was grateful that my boyfriend stepped up to make sure I ate and drank to help keep my energy levels up as, as you'll know, it takes a lot out of you.

    Sorry again to hear your news and completely understand your frustrations. Completely understandable.

  • Thank you and I am sorry for your miscarriage. I know well those feelings of anger- I thought we'd put them behind us but it turns out you should never underestimate the ability of life to inflict more pain. Thank you for replying to me x

  • I'm so sorry this is happening xx

  • I am so sorry this has happened, you have been through so much it is desperately unfair. I had a mc last year at 9 weeks and have a little idea as to the anger and devastation. You have shown tremendous strength already and clearly have a wonderful partner at your side. Hold on to each other tight and take a day at a time. Take care xxx

  • It's not fair it really isn't. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this again.

    Are they going to conduct any investigation into the miscarriage from the procedure on Monday.

    Nothing said will help how you feel right now, but you know that we are all here x

  • Thank you- it helps so much knowing that there are ladies out there who understand. I am finding this so hard, and dreading tomorrow's surgery. The NHS won't find any investigations because ive "only" had 2 miscarriages- doesn't seem to make any difference that it took 16 months and 4 rounds of IVF to achieve the second miscarriage. Or that I've lost three babies. Anyway doesn't matter- we will fund it so yes we are going to have remains tested. It might not tell us anything but I regretted not doing it last time.

    Not sure what difference anything will make though- I can't go through another 4 rounds or wait over a year just to fail again. It just feels so hopeless.

    Thank you for making the time to write to me x

  • Have you been told that via the clinic, epu or GP?

    To be honest, I would go to your GP and say we've been trying for this long, you are 37, have had IVF, have experienced the miscarriage of 3 and you'd like to be referred for further tests for RM before you can even think about IVF again. If you can take the other half as well, it might make it more impactive.

    We went into the gp's around the time we knew about the last miscarriage and listed everything that we had been through over the last 3 years and he agreed to send our referral off. Obviously it's up to the consultant if they accept it, but it's worth a go.

    So far, our tests haven't shown anything, but I couldn't go through IVF/miscarriage again without knowing we'd tried something.

    What area do you live in?

  • Silly question but what's RM?

    That's a good idea. It was the EPU who told us. My husband argued our case and got her to check with the consultant but they were adamant. Our GP is good though so might be worth going to talk to him. To be honest we've spent so much on IVF that a bit more on testing seems like no problem and you're right- I don't know right now if I could bear more treatment but I won't do it until we've investigated everything.

    Sorry about your miscarriages. Three times....that's so awful and must have been devastating.

    X

  • No silly questions on here! RM is recurrent miscarriage.

    Definitely sounds like it's worth a go with the gp referring you..if you can do research on local hospitals and almost ask for a specific referral then it might help.

    I know re the finances, but if you can tick a few off by using the NHS then it helps for other things.

    It was only after experiencing the two with IVF that we knew we'd experienced two prior to that too....whatever number it is, the heartache is still there x

  • I am sorry for yr mcs. I agree with Hollibob and think testing is still the best way of finding out what causes mcs. I would encourage you to do some research on pgs ngs (360) and consider screening chromosomes, as the majority of pregnancies ends in miscarriage cause of chromosomal aneuploidy. Wish you all the best xx

  • Thank you. We did the genetic screening so we will see what the results are. I'm not sure we'll ever get to do testing on embryos as we get so few that it's not like we have a choice which to put in, but maybe if we go down the donor route in the future it would be worth investigating-thanks for the suggestion.

  • Hi Jess,

    It is so unfair and you have been through so much, you have got pregnant that is a good sign, me and my husband are going through our 4th cycle and we have had an ectopic, 2 miscarriage and it does take a lot out of you, it's good you have a lovely husband and keep strong together. Don't give up one day it will be your day and HOPE is so important to keep you going xx

  • Hi Kelly. Good luck for your cycle. You're right of course- you have to keep hoping or you wouldn't try. Right now I just want to make sure we get as many answers as possible to help us make decisions about what we do next.

    Thank you for your response! X

  • Hi Jess,

    I totally understand how hard it is and it's so good to have each other to message. We had tests done before this try and it took a while to get results back because we had chromosome tests etc because we also wanted answers. You must do what is right for you and to help you on your journey. Time does help and so does hope. Always here if you need a chat and good luck xx

  • So sorry for your loss! Can't imagine the pain you are feeling! Take care of yourselves!x

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