difficult feelings pt2

[Dormus01]

thank you to everyone who responded to my first post - it really helped.

Leading on from it I’ve also been thinking about shame. I’ve struggled with chronic depression since my teens and only now really recognising how much toxic shame has played a part. It creeps into my feelings around infertility. I know rationally that none of this is ‘my fault’, things happened, trauma has happened, life happened. But the little shame gremlin loves to tell me that it is my fault, I don’t deserve to be a mother, I don’t deserve anything I’d like from life. It is so painful at times. Shame has closed me off from friends and family and I’ve been very isolated. Shame tells me I have to deal with this all on my own. I understand that shame comes from trauma, and that the fear of vulnerability comes from the lived experience of having to deal with trauma on my own. As if infertility on its own isn’t hard enough eh! I think the hard thing about infertility is that it isn’t in a ‘bubble’, it seeps into everything and triggers old wounds and creates new ones. I have to overcome a lot of sexual trauma to get to the point of even trying to get pregnant, so it feels so cruel that now after all of that I’m living with infertility. The shame goblin loves to spiral with this one.

We’re in a better position than some, my partner has really excellent sperm (the nurses kept commenting on that, way better than average) so you’d think that would give me hope. Some days it does, but the shame goblin LOVES to tell me that the ‘problem’ is me, that even his fantastic sperm can’t get me pregnant. It then does a 180 and shames me for not being grateful for it!

I’ve felt like crap this week, pretty sure I have yet another uti, and dpo 9 so progesterone blues hitting hard .

Just really needed to off load this, if you are feeling any of this too do let me know. Sending hugs to all of you coping and not coping today x

[Skittles11]

As soon as I read the word "shame" I knew I had to reply to your post. I didn't even realise how this affected me so much. The other day I was in a counselling session and I used the word "shame" in passing - my counsellor wrote a note and revisited this later in the session. And when she asked me about it further I literally bawled my eyes out. On the surface I am one way and underneath it is different, I feel very delicate and I was obviously extremely triggered by the word "shame" and what it meant to me. As you have mentioned I believe it comes from trauma and can rear its head in unpredictable ways. You have explained it very well and in a relatable way which I empathise with. I guess for me it comes from no matter what I tried and which way I turned over the course of 4 years, my eggs were not good enough and only brought me and my husband loss. Our only option now is to move to donor eggs which I am super grateful for but it is a transition which I have found hard. Further exploration to do but I think I feel shame around my own eggs failing us as a couple (even though rationally I know that I shouldn't feel shame for this, we did everything we could - then the counter argument rears its head and I feel things like did I try for too long etc). But also shame around not being able to maintain the same relationships with people as before, shame in not reviewing my fertility issues earlier etc etc. Sending hugs and understanding to you x x

[Dormus01 in reply to Skittles11]

Thank you for your reply. I think it’s good to have somewhere to ‘air out’ all this difficult stuff - the shame, the bitterness, the jealousy/envy, the anger, the regret. These are all perfectly valid human emotions but we’re so often encouraged to hide them. I honestly believe it’s better to name and vent these feelings in a safe space than to repress them. This message board and replies like yours really mss as if me feel less alone x

[CyclingAddict]

I wish I could give you a big hug. I'm also a AS survivor and I'll never forgot the time the nurse did a mock transfer and I burst into tears. I cried all the way through my egg collection too and one of the lovely nurses sat with me wiping my tears away, stroking my hair and telling me everything is OK while I was in theatre. Sexual trauma does add another layer to IVF.

I suppose I'm at the other end. My DH is the one with a fertility issue, and I know he's felt immense guilt over it. I don't blame him at all. In fact I didn't think I wanted children until I met him. I know it's hard because I've watched my DH go through it, but the only reason I'd do this in the first place is because of him and the amazing person he is. I'm sure your partner feels the same way.

Best of luck and sending baby dust x

[Dormus01 in reply to CyclingAddict]

I’m so sorry you’ve been through that too. It’s a very triggering experience isn’t it, but hey we both had the courage to go through it regardless. It’s a real test on a relationship too isn’t it? I think a lot about the challenges motherhood could bring (if the baby dust finds me) - post partum depression, a baby will severe medical needs, lack of sleep, lack of support - all of which scare me. But then I think to what I’ve manage to overcome too. I think we’re all a lot stronger than we realise xxx

[CyclingAddict in reply to Dormus01]

I'm now 14 weeks pregnant - it was my 6th transfer. I worry about all those things too. I worry about the hormones I've been on and how it might affect my baby. I think it's hard not to think the worse when you've already experienced loss (and I've always been an overthinker and anxious person). I didn't realise how much IVF related PTSD I had until I got pregnant. I've had so many nightmares where I've miscarried and I've woke up and had to run to the toilet to check everything is OK. It's so so hard. IVF takes the innocence and excitement out of it all. I don't think I'll be happy until the baby is in my arms - and even then I'm going to be so scared something happens to them.

IVF did teach me that we can't control the future. But we are so strong. And this struggle has made me much more empathetic towards other women who are going through fertility problems and experienced miscarriage. It's also made me realise that I'm much more resilient than I thought I was. Those have been important life lessons for me, even if I wish I didn't have to go through IVF to learn them X