The way to shake this??

Just thought I'd try to get some of these feelings written down. We are starting our DE IVF cycle, and I'm still not "over" the after effects of previous treatments. We were so hopeful with the first steps for coping with our fertility issues. Everything looked 'perfect' (what the doctors said). They kept saying luteal phase defect isn’t a big deal. Just more progesterone needed. Later turned out my eggs being of a very poor quality. Now I have so many doubts it will work out. I feel so dead inside.

I'm just going through the motions. I can barely remember about my meds on time. Seems like I’ve never had such a weak period..

I know I have to find a way to shake this. From the very beginning we were both so excited and determined and full of hope. Now I feel sadness even though nothing bad has happened so far. I took down decorations in the house, and told my husband I refuse to celebrate holidays until we aren’t childless any more. I'm afraid to research "IVF and depression"...because I'm afraid it will tell me that your chances decrease with depression...and that will be yet another thing to bring me down.

Part of me wishes we could just wait a few months, but time is never on our side with infertility. So here we go..

6 Replies

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  • Going through IVF is hard and tough. You will get through this. Even the fact that the egg is able to implant is wonderful news. It doesn't mean that you will face failure.

    Try to focus on something positive each day that makes you happy. Get your nails done, read a book, go for a hike - whatever you want that gives you some relaxation! It sounds like you need to take care of your mind and body right now. So try to focus on moving forward. Big hugs!

  • I find that dealing with it face on just helps.

    Yes when you see a pregnant woman it hurts, or a friend or family member tell you they are expecting it hurts like hell. An advert on the TV makes you sick to watch beautiful babies, you flick the channel and on comes one born every minute and you hate the world because it's not you and you have a part of you that knows it may nene be be you.

    On the back of that the life you had before and the life you will have after will

    Still be full rather than half empty because you have a great man that loves you back.

    Yes this journey is one of the hardest things to ever go through, having to get up every morning and long for something that may or may not happen takes every bit of our strength, but guess what your do it,you are doing it, you are right here, you still take the meds and therefore you still have hope.

    HOPE, don't let it beat you xxx

  • Hi Mel77, you've done a good thing and write on here. That's a positive step of saying how you feel. Infertility and IVF is a huge thing to go through and it takes a toll, particularly emotionally. Before we started IVF I was not handling things very well. I did eventually see a counsellor which was a huge help. Mostly she told me how I felt was normal and I wasn't alone. Also I think being on here helps. I have definitely felt like you have said, not wanting to celebrate anything, I've avoided certain situations etc. You can move to a better place, sometimes we just need help. Maybe think about talking to someone like a counsellor.

    I also do nice things, go to a scenic place, get some fresh air. I started doing some painting, reading etc. Try to find some things you enjoy and focus on those too.

    I wish you well xx

  • Have you explored donor eggs? It's a big head shift to make but I have friends who eventually used donor eggs (after failed rounds of ivf with their own) and they are very very happy with their choice. They are really happy as a family now. Its not for everyone, but they thought it worth exploring and it worked for them. Look after yourself, as one of the other users says access counselling support, it's a very difficult time. Reflexology is very nurturing for you and reflaxing. xx

  • Find a way. Just find a way. This time last year, I could have quite happily driven my car over a cliff to ease the pain. I can't actually believe I got through it. But I made a new plan. A back-up 'if this doesn't work, I'll do that instead'... I always made a back-up, so any shocks were absorbed as I could work on my new plan which gave me a focus. That was really important. One thing that helped was realising that stress is no good for fertility levels. So, I had to remember that, as it is a postive outcome I'm after, not the in-between stresses and horriblenesses. This time this year, the financial situation is worse, still no baby, the pressure is on, but I am determined. More than ever.... Stick at it like SuperGlue, and... if you feel good about yourself, then your eggs will benefit!

  • Hello

    I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment. Infertility and IVF are both incredibly difficult so having really low times and doubting whether it will ever work are both completely normal emotions.

    But, you say yourself that the reason your previous rounds didn't work was due to your eggs. You've rectified that now with the donor so it's almost like doing your first round again. Try to focus on the moment. Worrying about what's happened in the past or what 'might' happen in the future doesn't achieve anything.

    When I was at my lowest point I found counselling really, really helped me to process all my feelings and feel more positive about the future. You might want to try it if you've not already.

    Good luck x

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