Difficult questions

[Kathryn1984]

Hello,

So I have a new job which I’ve started today. And along with it comes the usual question “do you have any children?” “How old are you?” “You should get a wriggle on then”.

It’s so difficult. In my last job I spoke openly about my loss and fertility struggles. However, I was told other people found this ‘negative’!

So today, I just said “if it happens, it happens” and moved the conversation on in a different direction.

Isn’t it sad that we can’t share our truth? Instead, I feel, because of past experience, I have to pretend. Maybe when I get to know people more I will share more.

I really really wish people just didn’t ask. How do you all deal with these questions? Like I said, I used to be honest, but I found the response to that not great. So this time I’m pretending. It’s sad in our society that pretending might fare better for me.

All the best everyone. X

[Baypony]

Oh dear!

I used to say ‘My partner and I don’t have any children, it’s not by choice, Goodness look at the rain’ or ‘No I am child free’. Other replies could be answering their question with a question ‘How many children do you have? 3? Really you must be so broke and exhausted!’ When people are talking about themselves they will rarely ask anything else.

You don’t have to share anything you don’t want to so don’t feel pressured into doing so. I hope things improve for you and that you settle in and feel you can relax there 🤞

[Littlepeax]

I haven't told anyone apart from my husband lol. My sister found out by accident but I'm glad she knows now. I honestly find that easier, rather than people who dont really know you. I feel like most people dont/wont understand what you are going through as they simply cant relate. That's what is so amazing about this website, most people will understand exactly what you are going through and care ♥️

It's so wrong and insensitive for people to ask these types of questions, try to ignore. Its none of their business lol 🙂

[aamiller405]

Hi..im sorry that sharing your experience has been a bad experience for you..however I woudltn worry about other people finding it "negative". You share or don't share what youre comfortable with and other people can take it as they may.

Im a big advocate of telling people the truth when they ask..I find it helps educate people and makes them think twice about asking people these questions again. Sometimes people have told me I shouldn't share details of my IVF but feck them tbh lol

I hope you find out what works best for you xox

[IVFGirlLondon]

I reckon if other people find it ‘negative’ to hear about your fertility troubles that’s really their stuff and not for you to worry about. Ivf is unfortunately a way of life in our society and so many women go through it, whoever finds it ‘negative’ needs to reassess their rosy tinted views of life (in my humble opinion). Hope that helps. I feel really indignant on your behalf!!!

[Ajl46]

I wish people would be more considerate when asking these types of questions. In this case they are very direct questions from people you have only just met! It’s none of their business (and as for comments like “you should get a wriggle on” - they really annoy me. So condescending and presumptuous!). I think you handled it really well xx

[Hidden]

Yep I used to get the same all the time. I used to work in a bank and literally every customer would ask the same.. 'so do you have family?' then when I replied no they'd say 'Aah not yet!'. I hated it. My husband and I tried for 5 years before I couldn't take it anymore and left the bank. That was 3 years ago. We got into the habit of eating the same as you.. 'well if it happens it happens'. Then when we told people we were going for IVF the response was... 'oh I didn't think you were that bothered about having kids'.

I so badly just want to scream at people and say Its not your business! And if you can't say anything supportive then don't say anything at all!!!!

It's amazing how some ppl believe we're all the same and can get pregnant at the click of a finger.

After our 1st round of ivf we got a Bfp on Saturday and you know what? Even though I'm over the moon part of me doesn't even want to tell those people. So it's mine and my husbands secret for now lol.

So all the best for you and your partner with your journey, I hope you're successful for you and no one else! xx

[HollyT7]

I wonder if they turned Band Aids 'do they know it's Christmas time' off the radio whenever it played at Christmas because it was negative and a reminder of how many people were (and still are) suffering.

The world is full of negative aspects , big and small, from the extremes of poverty and war to not getting a job after an interview. Each one is important to someone to differing degrees.

Our story feels so hidden and like it should be a dirty little secret at times, We present ourselves to nurses and doctors when we are most vulnerable in the hope that they can help us 'feel normal' by having a family of our own.

We get progged in the nether reasons, have to do injections, perrseries and tablets, fit appointments around life, when other people are just focused what there having for tea.

We are a bunch of amazingly tough, strong and resilient women and men who fight our mental health, body and comments from others on a daily basis.

I hope that your new job means working with people who are open minded to other peoples struggles and that you find ways to explore their kindness by being as open as you see fit.

Just remember that you are doing a great job and that just because other people may feel uncomfortable by you being so fabulous that it doesn't mean you can't reach other to others and tell them how amazing you are and how well your doing with being a boss of this life that's been given to you! Xxx

[Reer in reply to HollyT7]

Well said 👍🏾

[Redpixie]

Over the weekend I was asked by a complete stranger if I wanted kids. I said “it’s a sensitive subject” and she apologised profusely. It seemed to stop the questions and make the person realise that it isn’t a question that should be asked lightly. However, in a work place, this may lead to speculation. I started a new job when I was going through my first cycle and didn’t tell anyone. I’m now doing my second cycle and the two ladies I share an office with know. I told them I would share as and when I was ready but that I appreciate the support. I also have them a heads up that I won’t be myself over the next couple of weeks. Maybe when you’ve been there longer you will be able to see who you can trust with the truth.

[thepregnantpause]

I totally feel you! We're starting our first round of IVF on Friday and have been trying long before I started my current job. I only told my manager yesterday because I felt I needed to in case I needed to take time off, but I have sworn him to secrecy. I'm really close to my other 2 team members but one is old enough to be my dad and has FIVE kids of his own, and the other is a very nosy, catholic, Taiwanese lady and although I know she means the best I also know there would be endless questions!

I wish we lived in a society where IVF wasn't such a taboo, but unfortunately we are not quite there yet.

In terms of what you can say when people ask...I don't have an answer. I wish I was confident enough to say 'It's none of your business' but I usually just lie and say we're just enjoying being married.

[Kathryn1984]

Thank you everyone for your replies. In my previous job, I let a few people know, and when I had to do tests or the anniversary of my loss, I would be a bit down. But being down was unacceptable to them. It’s so hard. This week there has been that mental health thing in the news, with people speaking out about it. But it’s a load of rubbish. In my experience, employers don’t care if you are feeling down, I got told I had a bad attitude and was negative etc because some days my face looked a bit sad. So much so, they laid me off about it. It left me feeling that my infertility/depression made me unemployable. My new job is 16 hours (I’ve always worked upwards of 40 hours). And I’ve took a massive step down, because I just don’t feel I can be happy and smiley 100% of the time while I’m going through this. Over the last month I’ve done alot of thinking and I’m trying to come to terms with it just being me and my other half. It’s been ok. I’m 36 next year, and I know I’ve got a few years of trying left. But I couldn’t carry on hoping, it’s been 4 years of hoping, and 4 years of mental torment and distress. I had to move on, for my mental health and relationship. It looks like we’ll start ivf in the new year. I’m going to find it mentally very difficult, so much so that I seriously worried about having a breakdown. I am considering not doing it, which I know some of you will find unbelievable. But I don’t think I’m strong enough. Me and my fiancé are considering moving abroad, or doing something like that because the last 2/3 years have been hell. With the miscarriage, I feel like I have been through a serious trauma, like I’ve been to war or something. It had massively effected us. We were clinging to the hope that we would conceive naturally again, but that’s not happened. Looks like my little 10 week angel was a miracle we weren’t meant to have. I don’t know, I’m just so mad at society for not supporting us, because to us we have been through hell.

[LunaLovegood11]

Oh it’s a sad thing for us anyway without us having to lie to people.

I say things like “well it’s a bit more difficult at our age” if I’m happy being more open with people or maybe a flat “no” then change the subject if I don’t want to talk. I once used “I did want kids until I met yours” 🙈

Infertility makes us liars. But we can be honest in this community at least xx