I’ve been stewing over this for a while and wanted to get the views of others and (in all honesty) let off a bit of steam.
Like most of us on here I’ve had a rough old time on my infertility journey - ectopic pregnancy, emergency surgery, 3 years of unexplained infertility and 6 failed transfers. Hope comes and goes and then builds up again over time but it’s gruelling and lonely and exhausting and financially crippling a lot of the time, right!?
Despite all the above, I’m currently feeling really upbeat after some positive PGTA testing results and 3 well graded embryos in the freezer waiting for transfer. I hope it’s finally my time.
Although I’m feeling upbeat I’m getting increasing frustrated with well meant comments from friends essentially boiling down to - positive mindset will somehow lead to positive pregnancy. I know it’s hard to know how to advise or know what to say to people in our positions but it boils down to a feeling that I’m somehow to blame for my own infertility (I know it’s not intended in that way but I can’t help but feel that’s what’s at the essence of these comments).
Does anyone have any advice for dealing with these well meaning comments? Or can point me to any concrete research which shows positive mindset has any impact on IVF results that’s I’ve somehow missed? I’ll happily be put in my place if there are studies out there to support these views and will continue to work hard to keep upbeat but I think it’s important to acknowledge that this is also hard going and not pile extra pressure on ourselves to be positive when half the time we’re juggling optimism with preparing for how we’ll feel if yet another transfer fails (if we even get to that point).
Sorry for the brain dump but these are all things I’ve been asking myself recently and wondered if anyone had any thoughts.
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Hi lovely,So sorry to hear what you've gone through - sounds very similar to my story other than I am still waiting for 2nd egg collection with PGT-A testing. Wonderful news about the 3 normal embryos, I so hope it is your time!
I can totally relate to how you feel. I find myself questioning whether it is me being over sensitive or people not really thinking through what they are saying, and I think it is probably a bit of both. Unfortunately it is really hard to help others understand unless they have experienced it themselves. I thankfully have very considerate friends and to those who I have explained how their comments come across they genuinely are apologetic and I know they are well meaning. But it is soooo hard as you don't want to isolate yourself from people too. I've ended up mainly just confiding in people who I know have gone through something similar just as they know what is helpful to say and what isn't. Even friends who have had children after miscarriages etc say things to me trying to be positive and I can't help but think "well it's easy for you to say, you're not the one who is going through multiple failed transfer cycles". It's just a horrible situation to be in and no easy answer, but please be assured you are not alone in your journey and how you are feeling xxx
It’s so hard when well meaning friends make comments like that. One of mine would say at each transfer “I know this one is your time, I just feel it” then it would fail and it pissed me off so much. I know she was just trying to be kind but the toxic positivity really made me feel worse. She would tell me to stay positive all the time.
I did say to her that I’d rather she just stayed neutral because it made me feel worse when it didn’t work and she was mortified that she’d been making me feel like that.
Ultimately I feel that it’s just not possible for those who’ve not experienced fertility issues to truly get it so they try to empathise, but it doesn’t always work.
I tried to frame it as I knew they were being kind. And stopped taking it so personally (this isn’t easy and not saying that’s what you are doing). But I tried to remember they didn’t truly understand and that they just wanted the best for me xxx
thank you for your post… I’m only at the start of my journey but already struggling with this issue myself.
I’ve had over a week of feeling uncertain and down about things and frankly it’s impossible to be positive all the time especially when dealing with such emotional and life changing situations.
I actually feel like false positivity contributes to the problems we all face with mental health and I’d much rather when I ask someone how they are that they’re truthful… we all have good days and bad days so let’s not pretend otherwise. It really is ok to not feel ok and being in an environment with colleagues, friends and family where we can all be honest about how we’re feeling is the first step to feeling better and having more meaningful interactions with people.
This evening I started watching ‘Welcome to the Chippendales’ on Disney + with my hubby and it’s the first time in a while I’ve felt genuinely happy and laughed out loud! Proper feel good tv - so I def recommend it if anyone needs a light hearted/pick me up.
For this reason i stopped talking/telling people unless yhey asked or we were really close. Also saved awkward conversations when thing's weren't going as planned. People genuinely mean well but just don't know what to say. If i heard "just relax" or "get drunk and have sex" or ' my aunties friend went through ivf and she now had twins blah bah blah" i could have screamed and didn't find anything helpful lol.Obviously it is good to talk and utilise your support system.....however i would just be selective in who that is! All the best of luck on your journey xx
one of my (pregnant at the time) friends said to me ‘if you just relax, stay positive and don’t think about it that’s when it will happen’ 🤣🤣🤣 she’s one of the loveliest people on earth and I know she meant well but thank goodness it was on the phone as my eyes were rolling in my head 🙄🙈 I dont think some people really understand that we do have to focus and plan and remember a lot of things during IVF that sometimes we have to be quite intense about it. I personally try to have a little hope for the best when I can but prepare for the worst at every step to protect myself. And who can be upbeat all the time?!
there is some evidence I’ve read that endorphins can help implantation so during a 2WW I do use that as an excuse to try as much as possible to do things that make me laugh and relax just in case because hey ‘why not’ all the hard work for that round is done and there’s not much more I can do at that point anyway to change the outcome! We tell absolutely no one when we are doing embryo transfers though as I know people saying positive things would just wind me up when they are only trying to help. If they weren’t positive I’d likely worry they thought it wouldn’t work and if they were I’d be annoyed they thought that’s all that was somehow needed! 🤪 so to save my sanity I just don’t tell people tbh. Good luck lovely no matter how positive or defeated or scared or angry you feel from one day to the next it has absolutely no bearing on your chances and you should be so proud of yourself 💪🏼 for all you’ve been through! Good luck for those lovely little embryos you have on ice 🌟 xx
I feel this so much. I found the mental side of this journey the hardest, throw in well-meaning but insensitive comments and it’s just so hard to navigate. I ended up getting fertility life coaching to help with my mindset and it was an absolute game changer, not only for my fertility journey but my whole life. The key things I learnt were about just giving yourself grace/showing yourself kindness and not judging how you think/feel. I can say that from my experience the positivity thing is a load of 💩. My last transfer I’ve never been so anxious and negative, was 100% that it hadn’t worked and she’s now 8 months old. I just think meet yourself where you are - anxious, negative etc. and however you feel - that is ok. It’s the judgement and labelling of the feeling as good or bad that causes the suffering.
In terms of other people I also didn’t tell anyone that we were going through treatment as I found it easier. I worked really hard on boundaries so if people did say things I would, and still do, kindly explain how that made me feel and why it’s not overly helpful. Or if it wasn’t worth it just pass it off as their problem not mine if I was able to do that.
Hi, first congrats on your good PGT-A results. I hope it'll finally be your time too!
I think people often don't know what to say and so they trot out platitudes such as "just stay positive" and "just relax and it'll happen". As many ladies on here will know, life often doesn't work that way, not least when it comes to human biology.
From what I've seen there's no evidence to show that staying positive has any impact on success rates with fertility treatment. It'd probably be impossible to show that being positive directly or even indirectly leads to a particular outcome because there are so many variables to take into account. I do remember coming across some research which showed that stress had no discernable impact of fertility treatment outcomes. Which in many ways makes sense because most fertility patients are pretty stressed out but yet fertility treatment does still work for a lot of them. Also, women get pregnant despite all sorts of awful circumstances, like during wars.
I think there's an underlying assumption that if you "just stay positive" then everything will be just fine. But unfortunately nothing we think or do can 100% guarantee anything that happens in the future. Although I wish it could.
With all that said, I think it's absolutely fine to be realistically positive about outcomes given your situation. You have 3 good quality and tested embryos, which should give you very good odds of having a live birth.
On the other hand, I find toxic positivity, which is often dished out by well-meaning people, isn't helpful to anyone. The only thing is succeeds in doing (at least in my opinion) is making the person dishing it out feel a little better about themselves and happy that they've managed to escape an awkward conversation about the brutal realities of fertility treatment.
I'm so glad you posted this, took words out of my mouth. So sorry to read of the rough journey you have had and I think you've summarised it well, there are small victories along the way that you can feel positive about but that doesn't take away from the doubt and fear at each of the next steps. So many of my friends say, it's definitely worked this time. It really gets to me because my experience to date would tell me that is not true and it completely invalidates our feelings and makes us feel guilty for not being more positive. I think all we can do is be as positive as we can, if it's true to how we are feeling, but we are only human and sometimes it's just impossible when your heart and your head are all too aware of the trauma that has come before. And I think that has to be ok. Sending you lots of luck ❣️
Thanks everyone for your comments and for joining in the conversation. After I started to receive replies I felt myself take a massive exhale, it’s really valuable to feel validated by those who really understand and don’t judge. In hindsight I’ve probably shared my journey with too many friends (I’m a bit of an over sharer) who aren’t really equipped to advise and can’t really fathom the complexity of the situation - I’ve had a few people glaze over when I’ve tried to explain what’s going on and ultimately it’s more isolating than helpful and I should probably stop doing it for myself and for them too!! Ultimately, it’s good to share with likeminded people on here who don’t minimise or simplify what are often very complicated situations for us. Thanks for making a girl feel less alone and hoping for the best for us all!!
I meant to say I’ve been directing people I know to watch ‘Alex Jones making babies’ gives a clear insight to IVF, the process both physically and emotionally. I think most people just don’t know much about it and think IVF = baby which as we know isn’t always the case. My MIL watched it and said she was sorry for the insensitive comments she must have made and really understood what we had been through so I found it really helped xx
Hey - I’m sorry to read you’ve had such a shit time with this. We’re all in a similar boat though, so that’s a little reassuring.
Im so glad you wrote this post - I’ve got to the point where I’m avoiding telling any friends or family what we’re trying now as I’m sick of the ‘stay positive, it’ll def happen this time comments’. It makes me feel a twat when I have to tell them it hasn’t worked again! When I have been kind of pushed into a corner with a well meaning friend asking questions, I’ve purposely given them the wrong date of transfer / test / scan etc… I know that’s a bit bad but it’s my business, right? Anyway, it allows me a bit of breathing space between potentially bad news and any kind-hearted but annoying advice! Haha. It really has helped me, maybe it would help you too? You could always tell people you’re having a little break from it all, they don’t have to know everything and I’m sure, once you get to the point of being able to give good news, they’ll be so happy for you that they won’t even care! 😊
Echo what everyone else has said but also wanted to add at my last transfer in December my consultant told me to try and relax and keep busy for my own mental health but said there's absolutely no evidence that relaxing/not being stressed/thinking positively has any impact at all on the embryo implanting. It made me feel so much better as I didn't have to try to be think positively or stay calm during what is a really worrying time
Just wanted to mirror what you said. I had a fresh round in july, went on holiday (uk) and was startd off in the tww being on the beach, lovely dog walk, eating nice foid. Basically relaxing and doing nice things. That round didn't work. I spent the latter oart of my holiday unable to walk any more than 10 mins without needing to go to the toilet, crippled over in pain and phoning the hospital and convinced something serious was happening ss i was bleeding so heavily with clots. They told me it was my lining coming away after the transfer and it has unlikely worked. Test day confirmed the round had failed. Next round in November and my dad had died two weeks before. I was stressed/crying alot and signed off work. The day of the transfer was the day after the funeral. When i think about it now i cringe however my legs were in stirrups , Dr doing her thing and i am literally balling my eyes out begging my dad to help us in anyway he can. He new we were doing ivf, and i really believe he helped us as i am now 12 weeks pregnant. So after me babbling along lol, my point is that in this situation relaxing had no impact on the outcome and it really is a game of luck!
I know others have said it doesn’t matter if you’re stressed or relaxed, thinking positive or negative, but I strongly believe your mindset plays a big role.
I read, the secret, the power and the chimps paradox before my last round. I also took supplements for 4 months. I manifested being pregnant, I was so positive for that round and it was successful. I truly believe in the law of attraction.
I also meant to say, I went into three transfers (2 AA blastocysts, a BB and CC) with positive mindset and one (5AB) feeling hopeless and that it had failed already, and didn't make a difference to any of them. I honestly believe mindset doesn't make a jot of difference (women get pregnant in war zones, after being assaulted etc and in the most horrific of circumstances) so that surely shows that stress won't affect implantation. That being said, it is much better for your wellbeing going through the process to be as calm and stress free as possible xxx
Hi the way i see it is you could be the most positive relaxed person manifesting away but if the embryo you transfer is chromosomally abnormal it’s going to make no difference and frustratingly highly graded embryos can be abnormal. I blamed myself for every little thing if only i’d been happier during TWW, eaten better, done this or that but so much if out of your control and as my consultant said when i had an ectopic sometimes it’s just really lousy bad luck x
I don’t have any advice other than I’m feeling the same and you’re not alone. I question myself constantly - I’ve had some friends say awful things, which they may not have meant but have hurt me deeply.
Myself and my husband are totally different, comments don’t impact him at all and he just takes the decision to ignore it and believe they didn’t mean it - he always tells me I should make the choice to not take the comments personally, but no matter how much I try I can’t. I’d rather remove myself from their company if I can’t trust what they’ll say next, maybe I could deal with things better but I think that’s what works best for me xxx
completely relate to this and had been really stressing over whether I was contributing to my own infertility by not being positive enough. I mentioned it to one of the nurses at my clinic who said that statistically there is very often a huge surge in birth rates in war torn countries. And if that is not proof that stress levels don’t impact success, I’m not sure what is.
My consultant, fertility acupuncturist AND the fertility counsellor I saw also said it was a common concern and that there isn’t anything to prove relaxing helps a cycle to succeed.
What they DID say is it helps the patient. Being relaxed means we maybe don’t feel the extreme swings of all the hormones so deeply, or tense up painfully when the speculum for our transfer goes in (just examples).
I really think people telling those suffering from infertility to think positive and to relax don’t appreciate that it can contribute to the load of blame… they mean well, but it ultimately falls under the umbrella of toxic positivity. It’s ok to feel shit, it’s ok to feel things might now work and sometimes it’s good to have a cry and a wallow… but for our own mental health, meditations and relaxation etc can be nice and an antidote to the emotional roller coaster.
it does get hard to bite your tongue and sometimes it’s good to say to people you appreciate their positivity and helpful suggestions, but have they considered their comments could suggest a degree of responsibility AND add pressure to be falsely positive at a time when you are full of medications that make you feel the opposite. I’ve had to say it to a couple of friends after a few years and every one said they hadn’t considered it from that perspective.
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