I don't even know where to start but I'm gonna try my best to explain why I feel the way i feel.
My mil has always been very kind but she can be nosy and judgmental and tries to control things even though it's our life, not hers and would never ever actively effect her in anyway. For example she made a point of borderline harassing us about renting and not getting a mortgage even though we explained multiple times we weren't ready for it and we will sort it when the time is right for us. We live in a 3 bed house in a nice neighbourhood and we have a long term contract with the owner so it's not like it's not safe. I always knew how to work around her behaviour and I never felt it was malicious until she started commenting on my fertility journey.
I deeply regret telling her about my first two miscarriages. The comments she made were "so sorry it happened, it's very sad indeed but" :
"It wasn't the right time"
"It happened for the best"
"Maybe something was wrong with it - you don't want a sick child"
"There will be other times"
"You are still young"
"I had kids in my 30s and I was fine"
She has openly asked me to stop my treatment quite a few times making some of the comments above along with :
"You can try a few years later when you have a mortgage"
"Your house is too small"
I tried explaining how quitting treatment was not an option and reminded her how long I was on the waiting list to get an appointment with a specialist but that didn't make a difference. I know sometimes you don't realise how hard something is for another person if you don't go through it yourself but it's just shocking how she casually makes these remarks knowing how hard the first couple of miscarriages were on both of us and how much we want a baby.
These comments put me off so much so I stopped sharing any update with her at all but then she started asking me about it. Like "when is your next appointment?" or "what did they say", "how is it going now?" etc and when I try to avoid the topic she pushes me more by making pregnancy / baby related remarks and acting as if she's excited when she has made it very clear she doesn't want it to happen for us. For example if I talk about wanting to eat something she'd say "must be hormones" and have a giggle. She just randomly brings up baby related topics (whether it's just with us or at family gatherings) and say your baby would look like this or that or you could save this for your baby etc and I feel it's just to make me say something. She also makes a point of offering me alcohol multiple times (even after I refuse) at family gatherings even though i explained very early on how my fertility consultant had instructed me to avoid it. I guess if I drink she can confirm I'm not pregnant. We don't have family gatherings a lot and since I tend to miscarry very early on I haven't really had a chance to make excuses about not drinking yet. The one time I refused alcohol due to pregnancy was shortly before my second miscarriage, which she made a point of confronting me about later on. I know this sounds crazy but it's like she enjoys feeling sorry for me. Lately everything she does is getting on my nerves but idk maybe I'm overreacting or slowly losing my mind. Recently she organised a get together and decided I was cooking even though i had nothing to do with it. When I politely suggested she make something she said she would but 2 days later asked me to make a shopping list for my dish even though i made it clear I wasn't cooking. I was forced to say I was ill (which I really was as it was right after a miscarriage) and didn't have the energy to cook for everyone. It's like she's testing if I cave idk. And the icing on top now is we booked a holiday for summer and she told me (not asked) she was going to come join us. I tried to politely explain how it's our holiday and we are not up for company but she ignored it and started discussing how she might stay overnight so again I had to play bad cop and tell her no. I could tell I had offended her from the change in her tone and body language. I'm still struggling to accept this behaviour as she wasn't like this when I first met her. Maybe she has gotten too comfortable with me and feels it's okay to try things.
I think my whole perspective about her has changed after the comments she made about my fertility journey. Before if she was pushy I'd know how to work around it without holding grudges but now I just can't. It doesn't help the fact that she lives only 5 mins away and drops by at least once a week. Every time she says she's coming over i get so anxious and when she is gone I overthink about her next visit. I used to look forward to seeing her before because even if she was pushy about things at times I always tell myself she means no harm and i blame it on her age, etc. I've never had a good relationship with my mother so having a close relationship with her meant so much to me which is why i used anything to excuse her behaviour. But now I'm finding faults in her and I just can't help myself. Every time I miscarry I remember just how much she doesn't want this to happen for us and I know this sounds crazy but I feel like maybe she's bringing bad vibes and jinxing it too. My husband understands how I feel and he rescues me from awkward situations like her pushing me to drink or baby related comments etc. He never disregards my feelings but since it's his mother he ends up saying "there's no malice I'm sure".
This whole situation makes me feel so stuck and I just want to dissappear faaaar faaaaaaar away from her but that's not an option at the moment. My gut says this is just the tip of the ice berg and it'll get worse if I end up having a healthy pregnancy / baby.
Has anyone experienced a situation like this and if so how did you / do you cope?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this ☺️
EDIT : Weirdest part is all the overstepping and giving unsolicited advice is done when my husband is at work. She would only hint baby related stuff in his presence like "oh we could save this for your baby" etc. She acts like an absolute angel around him and doesn't directly overstep most of the time when he is there except for things like mortgage etc. All the comments she made about the miscarriage / stopping fertility treatment were made when he wasn't around. So whenever I tell him what she has been saying i feel very self conscious and end up wondering what if he doesn't believe me. It hasn't happened yet of course but I'm worried about that too. I've been making it clear I don't want her coming round when he's at work (I make it sound nicer of course by telling her she should come when he is home so that she can spend time with him too) but even now she would randomly text me saying she's in the area and she'd see me in a few minutes. She doesn't really ask if it's okay to drop by. Just assumes it would be okay to join whenever just like she assumed I'd be okay with her joining our holiday (this also happened when my husband wasn't around). I have been considering confronting her and being honest but I know for a fact she won't take it well and that's why I'm hesitant. She always complains about her eldest child not sharing things with her but doesn't listen when I tell her it's cuz she keeps telling them what to do and fussing over their business. She never accepts she's overstepping. Even when she knows she's overstepping she'd say something along the lines of "I'm sorry if I'm overstepping but you need to listen to me cuz as a mum I'm only looking out for you".
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JulieMS
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Gosh that sounds such a difficult situation! I am sorry you’re dealing with this on top of everything else.
The only thing I can think to suggest is just to be really honest - perhaps a letter if you feel she won’t hear you out in person - explaining that what she says/does is having this impact on you. That you want to continue to have a good relationship with her, but how hurtful some of these things are. A non confrontational and constructive communication might just help? Sometimes people who’ve not dealt with infertility or baby loss just don’t get it and need it spelling out.
Hoping so much that the situation improves. I’m glad your partner is supportive of you
Thank you for your reply. I have considered that too but she is one of those people who get well offended if they don't get their way. It's like their way is the only right way. Also there's the denial part to deal with. I'm trying really hard not to confront her about this but I don't see a way around it tbh. She always complains about her eldest child not sharing things with her but doesn't listen when I tell her it's cuz she keeps telling them what to do and fussing over their business. She never accepts what she's doing wrong.
What an impossible situation! I would lie and say you have put the trying for a baby on hold, and tell her you’ve been drinking too much and been to see the doctor who says you should try and quit! 🙈
Thank you for your reply. This is something I considered but there'd be more questions even if we do this. Even now when I occasionally have a smoke around her she makes a point of questioning me why even though it's not her business.
Its sounds like you have a supportive husband which is great and it may be better for this to come from him than you - I’d have your husband put a clear line down with her along the lines of “please don’t mention any baby stuff around us or ask about it at all - it’s a difficult enough journey for us both and we know you don’t mean badly but we are finding it just adds to the stress. If we do get pregnancy successfully we will tell you at the appropriate time.” It should also make it clearer if she keeps stepping well over the line that it’s not as well meaning. For the rest of the stuff eg offering alcohol I think you are probably more sensitive to it because of the rest of bad behaviour from her but for that stuff I think the quid pro quo is you just let it go - she sounds annoying but only the fertility stuff has been inappropriate.
Thank you for your reply. This coming from my husband does sound like a good idea. Except she can play victim then. All the hurtful comments she made about the fertility stuff were made when my husband was at work. When he is around she only hints like "ohhh you could save this for your baby". When she said she'd be joining our holiday and I had to say no my husband was at work. I don't want to give her the opportunity to play the victim here.
I have a crazy and at times very overbearing MIL and I have found telling her nothing and avoiding at all costs is the safest way to protect myself. I dont care what her or other family members think of that. I am polite to her and cook for her at Christmas and family get together but that’s it. I share no Information on anything with her.
You dont mention anything about your husband. Except he ‘saves’ you from the alcohol questions. Has he asked her to stop talking about the treatment and babies (it’s his treatment and future baby too!). Why didn’t he tell her no to the holiday invasion? It’s his mother let him deal with her from now on. She is trying to wind you up behind his back and he will be then ‘stuck in the middle’ guy (poor him 🙄🙄🙄) soon enough and then you will be the bad guy if you get involved or say anything to her and she will go running to him all upset and complaining about you like the victim. Just tell him to keep her away from you as she can’t control herself and not to make it out that you have asked him to do it but because he wants to do it. Contact with her can be through him unless it’s a family in person event. If she wants a dish cooked for an event she can ask him to do it, not you! You need your space from her and you guys dont have to be best friends or be 1 on 1 for any reason right now. Unless you set clear boundaries as a couple which your husband doesn’t blame on you or only it’s only you wanting the boundaries she will only get worse and worse (whatever her motivation is whether it be malice or not).
Most of my MIL issues is likely down to mental health that she refuses to get help for so I’m sure she doesn’t wake up in the morning intending to be an absolute nuisance but it is what it is and after years of craziness you have to look out for yourself first. My wife would make every excuse in the book for her but it doesn’t matter the intention or reason for the behaviour the impact on you is the same and what’s important here. For example my MIL got to the point where she would just walk in our house at any time she liked without knocking and being totally overbearing and insensitive she finally doesn’t come by without calling now and mostly stops her nonesense chat as my wife told her not to and took her emergency key off her and we started locking the doors during the day. If she oversteps with her discussion topics I just straight away tell her no or to stop the subject and move on (the last altercation we had was her implying I was a terrible mother for getting my child ‘poisoned by vaccinations’ about 2 years ago to which she was asked to leave the house, I went to another room with the baby whilst my wife dealt with that. She never comes by when it’s just me here (she checks the cars outside too now if my wife’s isn’t there don’t come near). She plays the victim about that, I dont care. We live minutes apart but my wife takes my son to hers and I don’t go. So I am not see her if it’s a family gathering or a rare visit to my house when I’m there. Life is finally peaceful. I have been together with my other half for 17 years and I put up with too much crap for so many of those years and was always the bad guy if I directly confronted the MIL so you need your other half to do it, not you, is the only long term solution that is best for you. If she still doesn’t respect your wishes cut as much contact as possible would be my advice
, she has to earn time with you just because she is a family member doesn’t mean she is entitled to your time, as things only get worse and worse when people dont respect other people’s lives, boundaries and want to interfere and don’t get the ‘hints’ that they don’t want to see. It doesn’t sound like it is just your fertility journey either with the house chat, so things will only get worse when she wants to give lots of unsolicited advice on how to parent when you do have a child (even my own wonderful mum couldn’t help herself with that one but luckily she knows the hints when she oversteps from helping to taking over which your MIL doesnt sound like she does). Best of luck to you both with everything 🤗💜💜
Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. This is exactly what I'm fearing. She's gonna get worse if and when I have a baby. All the overstepping and giving unsolicited advice is done when my husband is at work. She would only hint baby related stuff in his presence like "oh we could save this for your baby" etc. She acts like an absolute angel around him and doesn't directly overstep most of the time when he is there except for things like mortgage etc. All the comments she made about the miscarriage / stopping fertility treatment were made when he wasn't around. So whenever I tell him what she has been saying i feel very self conscious and end up wondering what if he doesn't believe me. It hasn't happened yet of course but I'm worried about that too. I've been making it clear I don't want her coming round when he's at work (I make it sound nicer of course by telling her she should come when he is home so that she can spend time with him too) but even now she would randomly text me saying she's in the area and she'd see me in a few minutes. She doesn't really ask if it's okay to drop by. Just assumes it would be okay to join whenever just like she assumed I'd be okay with her joining our holiday (this also happened when my husband wasn't around). That's why my husband hasn't said anything yet and it's mostly cuz we are trying to avoid drama too. I have been considering confronting her and being honest but I know for a fact she won't take it well and that's why I'm hesitant. She always complains about her eldest child not sharing things with her but doesn't listen when I tell her it's cuz she keeps telling them what to do and fussing over their business. She never accepts she's overstepping. Even when she knows she's overstepping she'd say something along the lines of "I'm sorry if I'm overstepping but you need to listen to me cuz as a mum I'm only looking out for you". If we don't do what she wants she would say it's up to you but you can tell from her tone and body language that you have offended her.
Yeah sounds really similar to how it all started with me too. Defo get your husband to tell her not to come round when he’s not there and to not invite herself to things and stop with the baby and IVF chat and have it come from him. Its his mother and it’s the safest way for you to not end up the ‘bad guy’ she will take it best from him and it’s his responsibility anyways 🤗💜 xx
Yeah i feel that's the best way too but at the same time she'd know that I've been telling on her since she says stuff when he's not around. She does that on purpose to stay on her son's good side I feel. I don't want to give her any opportunity to make me look like the bad guy when my husband talks to her 😩 if she didn't hate me already she definitely will if my husband talks to her. I feel like I've just been a massive baby about this and just moaning about this non stop 🤦🏻♀️
Absolutely and she will know you are involved but as long as hubby says he wants it too and not all you then that should help. Let her be in a huff it’s hard at first but honestly worth it and she will either come around or she will show true colours of not being able to keep boundaries, either way you will be better off in the long run is my experience. Defo keep the door open if she chooses to respect your wishes and makes some changes of course but n your own terms! You are not being a baby you’ve been great and it’s time to pass the responsibility on to your hubby 🤗Xx
wow, what a mil! Seems like you try all you can, regardless if there’s no malice or not it’s still hurtful and triggering with all those things. I’d start being blunt with her, or asking, will you just stop and waking off. I found being real truthful and blunt helped like if she’s asking if you want a drink… I don’t want one im not pregnant so just stop asking. Then I’d be upstairs or pop out whenever she comes around so you don’t have to deal with her for a while. This is such a shitty time and you don’t need the extra pressure ❤️
Thank you for your reply. The thing is she is always so polite even when she's overstepping so when I consider being blunt and saying things as it is it backfires at me. Everyone is going to think I'm being a brat for no reason. I don't wanna end up looking like the bad guy tbh.
im sorry for what you are going through. I jave has multiple losses and now i am not as resilient and tolerant as i used to be. You must must must protect your space. I have been through similar and some of what you describe above. Tell your husband you are going through something mentally and you need space, that you need him to lay down some boundaries with his mother. Tell him You get anxiety and you are trying hard to get over it and buy yourself time. You need space away from these sly manipulative people. Dealing with them is draining, so try to keep them at arms length as much as you can. If you have to say you are ill, just say it. Whatever you do, please make sure you protect your mental and physical space. Wishing you all the best xx
Thank you for your reply. So sorry you have had losses too. It's just so heart breaking and on top of that having to deal with emotionally draining people is the worst. Tbh I'm barely functioning and I don't have the energy to deal with her but I force myself because if I avoid her and say I'm ill she gets all pushy and starts asking more questions. This one time she insisted she was coming over while I was ill "to check on me" and I asked her not to come 3 times but she showed up anyway so I actually ignored her knowing she was at the door. It shouldn't have to come to this.
Im sorry to say this but im proud of you, you have to do exactly that to protect yourself. You are barely surviving and you need to save your energy for your own wellbeing and helping yourself get through this. The worse resentment is when you tell someone you need space but they turn up anyway, people are sometimes just too nosey or want to be in the centre of it all! (it happened to me nearly a year ago and i am still not over it!). You must give your mil the cold shoulder so she gets that you need space, do this until you are ready to face her again….. and there is no rush!! Take as long as you need…. Months years decades
Thank you 🥹 I understand what you mean. I don't think I'd ever get over the things she's done or said. I think anyone with self respect would stop forcing visits when they are not invited but she does this with her other daughter in law too when she's never actually invited her. I never understood why they weren't close but now it's all making sense. She acts like such an angel around my husband so I'm worried I might end up looking like the bad guy to him if I openly start avoiding her. But at the same time I know i must cuz if I encourage this behaviour I'd end up dealing with this after having a baby too. It's such a dilemma.
I thought I'd respond as I've been in a similar situation with my MIL. She's made all sorts of comments, like:'Life is much easier for you because you don't have children' (yeah, because going through multiple rounds of IVF is 'easy').
'Perhaps it's your body that's the issue' (my DH was diagnosed with infertility, not me. But even so this was a weird thing to say).
'Why don't you just adopt?' (Like it's that easy. She even brought this gem up on my birthday, even though I'd literally explained to her the reasons why a month prior).
'Everyone has problems' (this was after the one time I opened up to her about IVF and how I was struggling after repeated implantation failure).
This happened repeatedly over the course of 3 years and my DH ended up writing her a letter explaining why these sorts of comments were inappropriate. She did seem genuinely surprised, as if she hadn't realised how offensive these comments are (which was strange as she is very sensitive when someone says anything about her). I think some people are just quite self-absorbed that they don't really think about others' feelings, rather than being intentionally malicious. She did actually apologise and our relationship has been better since. I'm glad something was said, otherwise it would've just continued. I think you need to have a think about whether she is doing it out of spite (in which case I'd think about limiting your time with her) or whether she is doing it because she lacks self-awareness/struggles with empathy/or is word-vomiting because she doesn't know how to broach the subject sensitively. Good luck x
Thank you for reply. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. And I'm glad your mil apologised and it got better. Tbh idk why she makes comments like this especially when she's so sensitive herself. She gets quite uncomfortable and defensive if someone says something about her. For example she always complains about her eldest child not sharing things with her but doesn't listen when I tell her it's cuz she keeps telling them what to do and fussing over their business. She never accepts she's overstepping and always plays the "as a mum I'm only looking out for you card". Just the other week my online shopping delivery arrived when she was at mine and I just knew she'd say something and guess what she did. She said "it's like Christmas in here" but it's my money and has no impact on her in anyway. She's a very judgmental person and unlike us doesn't know how to keep her thoughts to herself but expects people to just listen to her and agree that her way is the best way. And idk if this is relevant but whenever she does something for someone (things she does without being asked or even gifts she gives) she makes a point of repeatedly bringing it up and loves being praised. I find it super weird. So idk maybe she just thinks I'm not good enough / have no knowledge or something and that's why she makes these comments xxx
That sounds challenging. Can I ask if she had a rough childhood? I'm asking because it sounds very similar to my MIL. She will make off-handed remarks (which she doesn't seem to understand are rude) but she is also seeks approval and praise. Usually people who seek approval and praise as adults received little growing up. My MIL also didn't recognise the effort that others put in, and instead nit-pick at their behaviour, but wanted the effort she puts in to be constantly recognised.
My best advice is to write a letter to her, but mention specific examples and why they upset you - otherwise it may go straight over her head, particularly if she's not very self-aware. Steer away from language that asserts blame or adjectives like 'rude' or 'mean'. You could say something like - 'when you said it wasn't the right time for us to be parents, it made me feel _______.' Then talk a little about the challenges of going through IVF. So statement, how it made you feel and some context. I'd focus on more of the bigger issues (most MILs do little things to annoy us, like mention how much shopping we order) because it's probably the bigger things that are making the smaller things harder to deal with.
You could finish the letter by saying 'I'm writing this so we can improve our relationship and move toward together and set some healthy boundaries'. If she takes it in good faith and (hopefully) acknowledges how you feel, take it as a clean slate. If it's the first time you've told her this stuff, she may be a little defensive at first. Again, just reiterate that this letter isn't to diminish the nice things she's done, but to simply explain how you feel about some of the things she's done/said. If she reacts by getting angry and refuses to acknowledge your feelings, you've got your answer. She's probably unlikely to change and you might want to think about distancing yourself from her.
Thank you for this, it really does help. Tbh according to her she had a great childhood and was spoilt to bits so I'm not sure why she is the way she is. Idk if it'll register but I could try. For example i've asked her a few times not to comment on my husband's weight (he's only put on a little - nothing major) as he is quite self conscious. I tell I don't want him to feel self conscious and in that moment she would say of course and acknowledges it but then does it again pretty much every time she sees him. Its so unpredictable tbh. Let's see xxx
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