Donor egg resentment

[MacLe]

I met my husband late in life and we only had sex after marriage. Married at age 43. He has a medical background so was aware of fertility pressures. We both dont have children. However 1st 6 months of marriage he didn’t have sex with me until I threatened to leave him. He finally told me he has low libido and has issues with performance. We tried 7 months to naturally get pregnant even then it was me begging or reminding him to have sex for a baby. We went for IVF 4 times age 44/45 and no success. I’ve just had DE transferred and I’m livid and angry with him that he gets a full baby that is his and my genes won’t get passed on (beautiful thick hair, my brows etc ) and I’m reminded of this when I look in the mirror. I resent him so much that he never tried to improve his performance (vigra gave him a headache) sake of a baby, I would have tried so much harder. He had one job and he rather ignore the bit to have sex unless I reminded him. He will argue well chances were low at age 43 when I married him and I argue well if we had tried then I wouldn’t feel We missed crucial fertility window. I am now 45 heading to 46 and were advised to either adopt or DE. I’m not bothered if this DE doesn’t work and I’m not pregnant, I can see he wants me to be pregnant desperately and I just want to scream at him for for denying that crucial fertility window when we 1st got married. consequently not bothered about sex unless I cried and begged for a chance of a natural pregnancy (miracles can happen). He is not a bad husband just doesn’t fancy having sex! I’m sorry if this upsets anyone and I’m not being ungrateful for having a chance of baby I’m just angry that my husband denied me a chance to get pregnant naturally

[Skittles11]

I feel like maybe some counselling could be beneficial here. If it turns out you are pregnant you will need to work through these feelings in preparation for a potential little one. If it doesn't work I would definitely look at resolving some of these feelings to a point before trying again. IVF is hard enough as it is on relationships without the added bits you are feeling x x

[MacLe in reply to Skittles11]

Thank you for your reply. I agree counselling may help. No one has an easy time with fertility I guess I’ve been dealing with feelings of anger/resentment towards my husband. All I ever wanted was to have a baby and felt this was my last chance saloon.

[Dimo2024]

You're a good woman. Very selfless and sacrificing.

May be the silent treatment will work to get him straight it always works for me.

He shouldn't put the pressure on you even we have maternal instinct that's why we go through so many blood tests and examinations and trial and error medications....

men should too if they want to be a father that way everyone has done their best.

Is his condition genetically going to pass on to his children? Never know.

You have a right to be frustrated stay calm. I pray you do conceive naturally xxx

[Kmcdon]

I understand your anger and frustration with your husband. It might be worth looking into epigenetics, it may help you feel more at ease with using a DE. So although the donor supplies the genes you have an impact on which genes and codes are switched on. I found this really helpful when deciding to move forward with DE.

[Doodlebug23 in reply to Kmcdon]

Totally agree with this! I’m using DE, and whilst for me it was a fairly easy decision due to age etc, I still am aware that I’ve missed the chance to use my OE. For me I resent my abusive ex for the wasted 7 years we were together, but at least I am not stuck with him because of a child!

For me reading about epigenetics was fascinating and eye opening. Basically nature versus nurture has been rolled into one and the way you nurture your baby brings out which bits of their genetic nature shine through. Plus when carrying the baby parts of you are passed into them and vice versa, so whilst they don’t start with your genetics and their DNA isn’t altered, you still become part of each other. It’s amazing!! 💖

[MrsOrangejuice]

Infertility and IVF, and disappointments and losses, are really really hard on relationships. We have been lucky enough for it to work but it has taken a massive toll and I don't think we would still be together if it hadn't. But then unless you have Downton Abbey type set up with staff(!) a baby also puts a huge pressure on most relationships - all the people we know with babies are having a pretty rocky time of it. So far, so normal. But the particular issues you raise and your resentment sound pretty acute and raw. Me and my partner have had some terrible rows during this process and some of the things he did and said are to me unforgettable and basically unforgivable - he has refused to sign the consent forms when we're starting treatment, he has refused to have sex when he knows I have been monitoring my ovulation, post transfer he has said he hopes it won't work as we are in such a bad state... a huge amount of this is his protective mechanism and wanting to control things. He desperately loves our child and in a calm non-pressured state he wouldn't dream of doing or saying any of these things. But IVF can become a massive blame and resentment party: "you put too much pressure on sex that's why we can't do it, it's not my eggs/sperm that are the problem, we should have tried harder at age X but you were too busy with... you didn't take your supplements, it's because you didn't stop drinking, you are so stressed the baby didn't have a chance..." We have some friends where the man's sperm is the 'problem' and he is broken by the guilt and the way he talks about himself is heartbreaking. Your husband may be internalising some of these feelings and each time you wanted to have sex it was another trigger and way to 'prove' how inadequate he was and 'couldn't do just this one job' (I've experienced that narrative myself about feeling my body has failed me and couldn't do the most basic thing, but actually it's untrue and unhelpful).

If your treatment does work maybe a lof of the heat will go out of the anger and bitterness, but in my experience it can also fester just under the surface and come out when you're stressed. So I think counselling would be a good idea, for you, him, both of you. Then you make a decision if it's still a relationship you want to be in. In any case, maybe the window has gone and you may need to work through making peace with that and concentrate on the donor route - ultimately it will be your child and your body, your blood, your cells, your microbiome that will create and influence them. . Your husband will never be able to experience carrying and growing a child the way you have the chance to. The baby will know nothing but you and will need its mother to be present, happy and dependable. Focus on those things and try to let the rest go.

[TTC0011]

Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'd highly recommend therapy or counselling, as I would be concerned that your resentment could impact that child, or the environment this child grows up in is an unhappy one due to this resentment. Might me worth chatting through to find a peace for you - I hope this round is successful for you and you still have time to work it all out. Resentment in general is very common when moving to Donor of any kind.

I do always feel a bit controversial when I show support of men in this forum, but I imagine there would be some uproar if what you've said was said by a man. Imagine if a man threatened to leave his wife, told her she had one job, a man who had to beg, cry and remind his wife of sex for his baby - a man who told his wife he'd have tried harder. If my husband told me these things I don't think it would have improved my performance issues, it would have made them worse (that's just me of course!).

My parents are my full biological parents and my hair/brows etc are nothing like either of them - as someone else says look up epigenetics, it can be very powerful.

I hope you manage to resolve this, I can feel your anger and your feelings are valid because they are yours. Everyone has a difference experience, but I couldn't help feel concerned about this potential baby who you admittedly don't care about working at this stage. I hope you manage to work it out.

[MacLe in reply to TTC0011]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Your words will at some point help me no doubt. I have tried to look at it from my husbands point of view.

He is an intelligent person he knew at my age fertility would be an issue. Before marriage he knew we would be trying for a child straight a way.

We never consummated the marriage for 6 months it was a living torture (knowing my fertility was on a downward slope). I was planning on leaving him every week going thru discussions I would have with my parents/friends. He kept saying we will have sex but not having sex. To save his blushes I never told a soul.

He never went to the Dr he never took supplements it was me who bought the viagra. He knew he had issues with his performance before marriage. Just to not do anything and have a wife who was telling you about fertility and was very upset in that union makes me so upset that he did this to us. Honestly if I didn’t threaten to leave him I don’t think he would have sex with me it would have just gone on for months until I would have told his mum (who wanted grandkids).

I don’t know his internal dialogue or how he was living in his head during this time.

I am living thru this with family and friends who think I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Meeting a man late in life when it’s so hard to meet a decent man.

My husband is a good man treats me well but I don’t think he will ever accept that his procrastination in having sex with me has resulted in me with not having my lineage passed on.

I can’t wash the doubt away that if we had tried earlier then maybe I may have had a natural pregnancy. No one has that answer.

It’s not fair that he did this to me for 6 months.

Imagine if it was me who refused to have sex for 6 months and found out he had an issue with his sperm that could have been dealt with sooner. Resulting in me using a sperm donor.

I’m sure he would be feeling the same or worse.

[Zassa]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I can really feel for you as me and my partner have been delayed by many things and when we FINALLY started trying he hadn't checked that the medicine he ate caused bad sperm. So half a year of trying, finding out at the doctor's (he never told me or read the leaflet that came with it) then we had to wait for the medicine to go out of the body and regeneration of sperm, so another 6 months almost until good...I'm not sure we will be successful now, still trying.

Remember that even though the DNA is from the other egg, it's your body that decides which genes that will be turned on or off. Some people even say that the donor child this way will look more like the mother than the donor. And remember you will be the biological mother as no other woman could ever make your baby that special way.

Like many other people have said I think it helps to tell your partner how you feel even though it's difficult, maybe you want to talk to someone just you about this.

If you're not successful for any reason you can always find arguments for things like embryo adoption, this is what I will argue with my partner if we're not successful.

I hope you're feeling better soon xxx

[Lana2009]

Hi,

I totally understand how you feel in regards to the anger and resentment. When I was told I’d need DEIVF I was livid with my husband for being fine with it. I was NOT fine with it. I was hurt that he would want a baby with someone else’s genetics! And I was super jealous and sad that he would be related too our children and I wouldn’t be. I was so relieved when the doctors said I was still ovulating and could try with my own eggs.

Fast forward a year and unfortunately I had some complications that required a small surgery and I had spent time looking into donor egg ivf. I was a bit more comfortable but also thankful that I could still try to pass on my genetic makeup to my babies. I had one round on the NHS to collect eggs. I got nothing. I felt like I had wasted all this time. But I guess I needed that time to process and grieve the loss of my genetics- which I think you do too… it doesn’t sound like you’ve really dealt with this. And don’t get me wrong, it is Hard!! It’s a lot. You are grieving! You’re grieving all these things you imagine being a parent would be like! How your kids will look, what they will relate to you over, heritage, family, all that genetic history…

All that was gone. Or so I thought.

Well fast forward another 2.5 years, I now have my twin girls. I love them so much. Our donor was incredible and had similar chartists to me - brown hair and eyes and medium skin. Both are blonde like their dad! 😂 but one has my medium skin tone and looks a bit like my sister when she was little (totally by chance). I think I took a bit of comfort in epigenetics (the way the mother impacts on the babys genes while they in the womb - health related genes not looks). But mostly I realised how much I wanted a baby, to carry, to have that bond that develops in the womb and that this was the only way I was going to have that. I also needed that time to grieve and accept and fail getting pregnant repeatedly.

I wouldn’t change my girls for the world. They are perfect and they are mine! I couldn’t imagine having babies any other way. The genetics don’t matter so much anymore. I just love them. They are perfect!

I’m sorry you’re not excited about you DEIVF round this time. Have you had counselling? My clinic offers counselling not just the once but repeatedly if I needed it. It sounds like you might benefit from that.

Also sorry your husband didn’t make the effort to try earlier in the relationship.

Big hug

Xx

[MyeggsRfab]

I'm 43 and my now hubby was reluctant to have children. He never really thought he wanted more. when we first met I was 36 and anxious knowing my fertility was declining my hubby has children from previous marriage and hadn't really thought about having more, it took a lot of time and patience on my behalf for him to accept my desires and wants, after starting at 39 yes and 4 cycles of IVF were still going, I've learnt I can't blame him for how he had felt in the past. IVF has no guarantees no matter what age or timescale it can take upto 6/7cycles to be successful. Live in the here and now, forget the past it is gone, stop annoying your mind about what couldve or shouldve been it's not healthy, please find the strength to let go and be comfortable with it. Takecare and I wish you all the best 💖💖

[MariaHdz]

I understand you and I think you have the right to feel bad over this. I think that couple and individual therapy might be beneficial for both of you.I know people that have adopted kids and also that had donnor eggs. I can tell by their experiences (which can be very different), that genes are important... but they go into a faraway corner of your mind once you have that child in your arms. A parent is forged by how hard it is to raise a kid, by the sicknesses, the no sleeping, no by how much you look alike... i dare to say that you love them not when they are presented to you and they look like you, but when time passes by and you have to put your all (even when you are very tired or ill), for them to be fine. Also, i have seen this with family members that were adopted: they end up looking a lot like their moms as they imitate the gestures and mannerisms.

I understand that you felt that you did not get to try your best at the start and you resent him for this. But this is not the embryos or the donnors fault. If it serves for something, the chances of even IVF working with your own eggs are low at 43 (in my own country, you are nto allowed to go for treatment when you are 43... not even IUI). 4 IVF processes is a lot... i dare to say that you gave it your best and more (usually for going into ivf some countries ask for you to try for 6 months with no results. Even if he did not give it his all, many factors come at play... so don't see it as wasted time. Many of us had had to go thru this time before treatment starts).

There are cases when a natural healthy pregnancy works after 43. I only know my grandma that had had 1 healthy kid, naturally, at forty something (atound 45), but it was not a first pregnancy, and she had PCOS like me... but contrary to me (that I am very infertile and with egg and implantation problems), it made her very fertile until a late age... but she died young from cancer probably related to it (a bit after 50)

4 ivf tries is a lot of effort. You did your best! And remember, nobody should press you to get pregnant. In the same way that your husband can say no to sex because it is his body... you can also refuse further treatment. Whatever you decide, consider the potential child that will come from this and his wellbeing.

[Lags]

have you tried working with a naturopathic doctor for his low libido. If you work with a naturopathic doctor along with taking some labs they might be able to help you both with egg quality and sperm quality. God didn’t put you both together to not have kids. If you saved yourself for marriage for a reason then that alone in it self was a blessing. I did the same as well. Me and my husband didn’t have sex until after marriage. We are actively trying to get pregnant. We have to believe it will happen. Some ppl get it spontaneous and some get a little bit of help. Either way Glory to Yahweh.

I know maca, Tribulus, and a mens mukti can help men with their libido let me know if you want to chat.