Hi ladies, I know so many of you have been here, or are currently in this situation at the moment so any words of wisdom would be much appreciated..
Last night my husbands sister (who I am close to) came round to tell us they are expecting. They have told us first as they know our situation and chose to tell us privately instead of at a recent family dinner for which we are so grateful..I'm not sure how I would have coped if they'd told the whole family while we were all together..worrying about others looking at us for our reaction would have been too much to bear.
The fact they have been so sympathetic to us though, just makes me feel even worse as a person because we're just so so sad for us. They are a lovely couple and will make great parents, but we've been so sad since last night because we just want it to be our turn too, and after 3 failed IVF''s & years trying naturally, you can't help but panic that maybe it never will be..
I feel so conflicted because they deserve it but I can't help thinking so do we 😢 I'm dreading the excitement of the family once they find out, my mother in law in particular has made no secret of her longing to be a grandma for a long time now and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with all that. I know many of you know exactly how this feels, just want to not feel so alone & like a terrible person for thinking of myself at a happy time for someone else 🙁
How do you get through it ladies? I know it was always going to happen to someone close, I guess I'm just not equipped myself to deal with it when it does out of the blue xx
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Georgina78
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Aww Georgina it is tough and brings out a while range of emotions that you didn't even know were there. Its so raw for you. my sister and sister were both pregnant when we first started ivf process nearly 3 years ago. Only advice really is just removing yourself when situation is too much be kind to yourself xx
Oh Georgina this really is the moment we all dread - the best friend or the SILs dropping the P bomb. I've had it 4 times over with 3 different SILs. My brother and his fiancé dealt with it exactly as yours have done, they were so worried about telling me, to the point my little brother (bless his heart) broke down in tears. I am welling up now just at the memory as I felt so heartbroken at the time - one that he dreaded telling me such wonderful news, and two of course that it wasn't us. I told him what I always tell myself in these circumstances, that the birth of any baby, new life, is a wonderful joyful thing. Especially if they will be family. I ached for a good couple of weeks after, and it stung whenever I saw them. And my mum going on and on all the time when we spoke on the phone about what she was going to buy and what she had saw. But i swallowed down my feelings and eventually the pregnancy passed. And I now have the most amazingly cute, smart and funny 27 month old niece 💗. I promise you my lovely the pain will pass. Just think of the joy of your husband being and uncle, and you an auntie. I know you know all this. But I promise you it will get easier to believe. You are not a terrible person, you are human. And it will be your turn one day xxxx
Thank you so much for your beautiful reply WeeMrsH, it really means a lot..so sorry you've had to deal with these feelings so many times, I can't imagine it getting any easier 🙁although your brother sounds like a great guy I must say.
It must have been really tough to listen to your mums comments & excitement, that's what I'm worried about with my mil as I know she'll forget how it feels for us in her excitement, which just makes me feel more crappy because of course she should be thrilled & excited. It's a mine field of emotions isn't it 😳
Thank you for the reassurance that it will get easier, you're right that logically you know it probably will, it's just raw right now I guess! Its been awful seeing my husband struggling with it, he's usually so positive and less emotional than me (just a man thing I think) but he is struggling that the news of becoming an uncle for the first time hasn't brought only joy.
I hope your cycle is going well so far, we start our next one at the end of the month, hopefully sil and I will be pregnant together! 🙏🏻 Xxx
It really would be Hun, the dream! Call me a negative nelly though but I'm too scared to let myself picture that too much 😕 I was feeling so relaxed about the next cycle but this has derailed that a bit & it now feels like more pressure for it too work..not in a competitive way, just that it would be so amazing for us to be pregnant & bringing up close cousins together. I'll get there, one day at a time! Xx
I can understand that. Just let yourself get over this shock first and then re-engage with the treatment plan. Just focus on you and hubby. Everything else will take care of itself xx
Good advice, thanks Hun. We actually have our first appointment for cycle 4 tomorrow then the first scan etc in a few weeks so to get focused again is a the best thing I can do I know. I'd like to think my upset has been because the news has come so soon before this next cycle but realistically I know I'd feel this way anytime! 🙈Thanks for your support, much appreciated xx
Ah. The ever old conundrum in my head.... being happy for someone but deeply upset that they had to treat us differently to tell us. I totally understand.
You've got to allow yourself the time to be upset by it. And allow yourself to be upset with your SIL if you're close enough to.
Thanks for your reply & understanding emu, it's so helpful to know you're not alone but I wouldn't wish it on anyone 😕 I do hate the thought that they've grappled with how to tell us and others asking how we took it, I guess I never thought I'd be that person..
Thank you for the hug vic, so nice to know I'm not alone (although I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone) it certainly makes us stronger, I'm trying to take comfort from that fact, and that we should be proud of what we've been able to cope with. Hopefully it'll mean we never take our babies for granted when they finally arrive 🙏🏻 Xxx
It is so hard when the one thing you want seems so far away and everyone else gets that my sister in law fell pregnant after a month of trying just after our second attempt failed and I really struggled to be honest an I distanced myself from her but once my nephew was born I loved him so much An now I couldn't imagine life without him it does get easier but allow yourself to feel that way no one understands if they've not been through it xx
Thank you Rachael, it is reassuring to hear it gets easier, I'm still concerned that my envy for them becoming a family will be prominent when the baby arrives but I hope I feel as you & others do that they've only enriched your lives. Thanks for your reply xxx
If you're anything like me and the lady above, you'll just love that baby when it arrives, and you might find that spending time with that little niece/nephew helps to fill a little bit of your hurt. That's what happened for me with both my nieces. I love them a lot and being an auntie is fun, especially if your relatives let you 'get your hands dirty' and get involved.
I know exactly how you feel. I have 2 brothers who both have 5 kids each...each time they told me they were expecting again I felt heart broken, why couldn't it be me this time, I deserve it just as much as anyone. All these thoughts going through my head. I then felt like such an awful person for thinking these things and not being happy for my brothers and their partners but at the end of the day they are my nieces and nephews and I love them all so much. For me personally it hasn't got any easier, each time I find a family member or friend is pregnant my first feeling is sadness followed by happiness for them. I think it's normal to feel unhappy and doesn't mean you are a horrible person, you are allowed to feel that way because it's you that is going through such a difficult time and no one really understands unless they have been through it too. Don't put yourself down too much, you are allowed to feel all these emotions and you are definitely not alone. Myself and my boyfriend have been trying for 4 years with one failed IVF cycle. I struggle through the days sometimes and find it hard to be positive but you just pick yourself back up and keep trying. Take time for yourself and go at your own pace. I am currently on clomid and have also started trying preseed and vitamins designed to help fertility. Have you tried any of these? Don't give up hope and remember you are not alone. I wish you all the luck in the world. Xx
Thanks so much beauty1984, so sorry to hear you've had to cope with this situation so many times, I can't imagine I'd find it any easier the more it happens either, probably quite the opposite 🙁
It's so good to know I'm not the only one who feels sadness first and that it doesn't make me a monster! Infertility is hard enough without being so tough on ourselves isn't it, when I'm feeling rational I know I should go easy on myself but beating myself up seems so darn easy some days 😕
I've taken pre-conception vitamins for years, I've not needed chlomid but because I have endometriosis I'm currently on a drug called prostap for 3 months which can help those of us with endo achieve success with IVF so we're really hoping that's the case this time. I'm not familiar with preseed vitamins, what are they Hun? Xx
Arr it's always so hard when it's so close to home because you just feel like it's in your face and it's a stark reminder of whats missing in our own lives. It was nice that you found out the way you did and that they are considerate so you just need to put yourself first, if you dont feel comfortable being around her right now then give yourself some time and space. I cry now everytime a new pregnancy is announced I cant help myself I'm just so sensitive xxx
Thank you for your lovely reply nmill, the close to home thing is definitely the hardest, so so tough. My hubby is really close to his dad whilst his sister isn't really and it breaks my heart that he isn't sharing becoming a father & making his beloved dad a grandfather with him 😢
I'm super sensitive too Hun, it's just hits you full force doesn't it, that yet another person is getting the joy of becoming a parent whilst you strive and cry and pump yourself full of hormones all for nothing 😔 I think I will have to have a little space, I just hate the thought of family thinking I'm being very selfish by not just putting my feelings aside to be happy for them, they just don't understand it enough. Thank you 😘
Hi Georgina78, sorry for late reply. As you know I'm in the same boat 😩 However.... the last few days I've got my head round it 👍 For me it was more finding out on my 2ww that crushed me as felt like yet again everyone else's lives were moving on and ours weren't. But my SIL has been pretty good about it all since and not rammed it down my throat since (maybe she should have thought like that at the time) but no point feeling bitter about it all and in a weird way I'm now relieved, as knew it was going to happen at some point so least it has now and I've not got the constant worry of if it's going to happen. At the mo with it being on the QT all is good but maybe after she's fully announced it to everyone I may feel different, but for now I'm now in a good place with it, and I'm sure in a few weeks you'll feel the same. It's only natural but at the same time it's only natural to feel the thoughts we have, so don't feel bad about anything and will just make it even more special when we eventually get our turn 😊Xxx
Hi Hun so glad it's got a little easier for you, I feel exactly the same about it being manageable while it's on the QT, they're telling everyone else soon though so I gotta admit I'm dreading that 😕 How are you feeling about that? You're so right about if it's happened then at least the worst is over, I guess I hadn't thought of it like that. There's still others like my siblings so the fear is still there 😳
I feel exactly the same about feeling stuck whilst everyone else's lives move on, not sure how I'll manage that feeling if it never happens for us but I can't 'go there' yet!
So so sorry about your bfn (I didn't come on & see your posts at the time, apols) I think you're doing so well to keep positive, that's really admirable. I hope the next round is successful for you and all this becomes a distant memory 🙏🏻 Thanks for your lovely reply & support, lots of love xxx
I’m going through the exact same thing. I feel so bad for feeling upset, I am happy for them but it just seems like everywhere I look I see my friends either pregnant or just had their babies so I see pictures constantly. I just want it to be mine and my husband’s turn. We are having to wait till February for our first ivf appointment after trying naturally for nearly 3 years, then Christmas Eve we get a text from my SIL of a scan photo. I didn’t even know they were trying so it was a massive shock then having to spend a few hours with the SIL and her partner for Christmas dinner was so so hard trying to be happy but secretly screaming on the inside. Xx
sorry you’re going through these confusing emotions. Always a weird one, I feel that someone pregnant is more triggering than someone with actual children in a weird way (don’t know if anyone feels the same?) as you can’t let yourself get to the point of thinking about the child as pregnancy is the only focus? So once their baby comes I hope you’ll feel different emotions and be so grateful about being an aunty, I’m sure you’ll be a brilliant one x
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