Lost, upset, confused and resentful

[Gabi80]

Hi everyone,

I have got to a point where I feel like I'm going crazy with negative emotions. Not helped by chronic insomnia.

I don't feel I can talk to anyone about how I feel. I sense that people feel like I should have got over grieving for my lost babies. I had a miscarriage last June and again in March this year, both following ivf treatment.

My sister in law is about to give birth in the next few weeks around the same week I would have been giving birth, had I not had a miscarriage in march.

Its all she keeps posting about on social media (I really need to stop going on FB!) and talking about every time I see her at family get togethers. It's all the rest of the family seem to talk about as well. I feel like a let down.

I'm also a bit resentful towards her, as though I'm getting it rubbed In my face. Although I'm sure she doesn't mean to. But even her sat rubbing her pregnant tummy whilst sat next to me, sends me to tears and just makes me feel empty inside.

My partner has jus told me he doesn't want to go through another round of IVF as i he can't cope with seeing me go through it again. I understand he is worried about my health. But i don't know how to process this in terms of what it means for our future together.

Sorry to witter on. I just needed somewhere to get this out. I feel so disconnected, even from close friends and family.

Sending good wishes to you all on here . Xxx

[Hidden]

Hi lovely, was so sad to read this. I can understand a little as I had an early loss in March and a few days later my sister in Law told us she was pregnant with her second.. I've found it extremely difficult to see her to be honest and think you have been incredibly brave. It's a crap hand to be dealt. I can't stress how important it is to be in a good head space mentally if you are going to go on with treatment. I wonder if seeing your GP about the Insomnia might be a good start? I think of mental health as the corner stone to our whole physical health. There isn't a timeline for when you should "get over" the loss of a pregnancy . Those are your dreams and longed for babies and you just take your time. Talking to a close friend / relative could help too. It's so hard I know, but the few people I confided in really shocked me at how supportive they were. My husband also didn't want us to get on with the frozen transfer too soon after our loss. It's hard for them too and they want to protect us from any future heartache.

Please don't give up hope yet. Here if you need to chat and be kind to yourself.

Much love xx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

PS. Having a break from social media was a great medicine for me too. I quit Facebook in January and haven't looked back. xx

[Gabi80 in reply to Hidden]

This is such a good idea. Xx

[Gabi80 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for ur reply & kind words of support. Im really sorry to hear about your own loss & all you have gone through.

This is so difficult for us all, and it helps knowing Im not alone & the thoughts & feelings we experience are normal. Feeling isolated & alone is so hard. I'm glad I have posted on here yesterday tho. It makes me feel a little lighter having such caring, thoughtful replies.

I went to my GP for insomnia as driving me loopy. He prescribed me antidepressants, which I'm not keen on taking as had bad reaction to them in the past. I might still consider. But i need to explore other ways of helping the insomnia. Im like the walking dead at the mo! And its definitely compounding the negative stuff.

Totally agree about the mental health being corner-stone. I need to make more effort to look after myself.

Some friends will never understand - usually the closest friends, who I would expect more compassion from. I can no longer be open and truthful with them. Some have just disappeared off the scene completely since my first miscarriage.

But those friends who have stuck around, I am so grateful for. Altho I still tend to still keep feelings hidden!

Family haven't been great in terms of emotional support but it's probably just that they don't understand that it's not just grief over losing both babies, but also being childless and the struggles faced with infertility.

Talked to my partner last night and after a huge argument, he said he might be willing to consider other options in the future.Its a start at least.

Thanks again. I really hope everything is going well for you. And wish you all the luck xxx

[Lu1u]

Hi GAbi

I too was so so sorry to read this.... it struck a chord with me as although our stories are all a bit different- I too have had multiple ivf’s, failures and losses... and still no answers and no children.. one month after my last failed ivf I found out my partner of 10 years was having an affair and left me for a younger model with a child who wanted to have more children with him!!! I lost everything including my sanity! He said it had all got too much- the pressure, the failures etc.. so as little blue said- men feel it too and at least your partner is telling you that he’s struggling a bit with it all- Is there a chance you cd book a little trip away together to look forward to or help you both reconnect with each other? Maybe around the due date?

Everyone I knew was having babies and even if they had ivf it worked 1st time and they had twins etc etc... and then they think they can give you advice just coz they’ve had one successful round of ivf?!!! It’s all so unfair! .. but unless you’ve been thru it - people don’t know how painful it is or how insensitive they’re being! Sorry this is turning into my rant now lol..

Anyway, little blue gave you great advice.. grief is not linear and in our situation it’s almost cumulative so it is 100% normal to feel how you do (albeit horrible!) .. just take one day at a time and do what you need to to look after and love yourself! I ended up under the mental health team- had medication, counselling and cbt and that really helped me and a year down the line I’m in a much better place.. the counsellor said to me that it’s similar to post traumatic shock- the shock of being infertile, the shock/trauma of losses or failed cycles.. and all as a horrid race against the clock! (I’m 40!) but it was really good to offload all my feelings to an independent- non judgmental person. I found the cbt really useful too- it really tapped into my deep seated beliefs about myself that I must be unlovable and a failure and that this was all some kind of punishment as I must be a bad person?!! But it helped me see my thought patterns and how unhelpful (and WRONG) they are..

everyone is different, however I really think speaking to your gp would be a good idea as there are loads of free services out there to support you through this. You’re not alone! It takes time to get your inner strength back- but you will! Wishing you luck!

Sending you a big cyber hug 🤗.. xx

[Gabi80 in reply to Lu1u]

Thank you for your message and kind words. I'm just blown away by the kindness and support of ladies on here. I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. My goodness I can't imagine how horrendous that must have felt that on top of everything else your husband did that to you. I think you're so right with all the reasons you mentioned relating to post traumatic stress. I too have found this whole journey has really effected how I feel about myself and my low self worth. I think going through cbt and counselling is a good way of recognising how important you are and how strong you are.

Im going to suggest we book a little trip away somewhere, even a night away. I almost forget what life was like before ivf and trying to conceive became so preoccuping!

I still quite frustrated with him for saying he won't even discuss any other avenues (surrogacy, egg doner, adoption) - but I guess I've only started considering these because of how much my body has been through.

I'm going to TRY and focus on getting back my strength and physical and mental health back.

I'm so glad you have felt better following your cbt and counselling which sounds like you've been so brave tackling that head on.

I so grateful to you and all the ladies on here who have taken the time to reply to me and shared their own similar experiences. Sending big cyber hug back at you 🤗 xx

[Doodlebug23 in reply to Lu1u]

So sorry to hear about your story. I have similar. Before starting IVF, my bf said he didn’t want any more children and then went on to cheat and get his ex pregnant. Just after my sister announced her pregnancy. It almost sent me over the edge and I ended up having 3 months off work. I think women are definitely the stronger sex. Here we are all still fighting for our dream xx

[Apdp]

Sorry you are feeling like that, totally understandable. I gave up Facebook last year as everyone in the world was posting scans and things about baby’s. I ended up in tears all the time. Been off over a year and never missed it at all.

It is an awful thing to go through. I’ve not had any miscarriages and can’t imagine how horrific that would be. Totally feel the same around other pregnant people and can relate. I find myself walking up the street looking to see if people are pregnant then get upset. So hard x

[Gabi80 in reply to Apdp]

Thanks for reply it's reassuring to know it's normal to have these feelings.

Well done for coming off Facebook!

It's torturous place at times.

Seeing a constant stream of baby images, bumps, scans, kids photos on FB feels like a gut punch. I really need to deactivate my account for a while I until Im in a better place!

It's hard enough just being out in public, even wandering around tesco sometimes gets very emotional.

I almost try to avert my eyes but then it is hard, as involuntarily my attention often goes to spotting bumps, babies from miles off! Xxx

[Dunla]

Hi Gabi, I’m so very sorry to hear you’re having such a difficult time. My heart really goes out to you. I don’t have personal experience of miscarriage but I do think you should allow yourself time to grieve.

I can totally identify with your feelings about your sister in law’s pregnancy. It’s so hard to put into words the range of emotions you experience. This was something that came up during counselling I attended and it helped me a lot to discuss how I was feeling and “get it out into the open”.

Would your partner be open to attending some counselling together with you? My husband and I went for couples fertility counselling to help us get through some difficult times. It helped us a lot.

Please take good care of yourself. Sending you a big hug and lots of love xxx

[Gabi80 in reply to Dunla]

Thank you for your reply and kind words. I really appreciate it! I think feeling alone seems to exacerbate everything. And the grief. It seems to be coming out in all sorts of ways, other than just feeling down and anxious in general.

But finding this space to talk and vent, on this forum has been helpful.

I've mentioned councilling to my partner. I think this would be a very good idea. But he's not stuck on the idea.. . Probably because he will have to talk about emotional stuff, which he struggles with as has been brought up with the stiff upper lip, let's just burry it and move on! But clearly it's effected him enough to now decide that he no longer is bothered about having kids if it means going through this much stress and in his words 'hell'!

I really glad the counselling has helped you and your partner. It's such a positive thing to do together and a good way to show you're in this as a couple. Did he take much convincing to come along with you? Was it through a fertility clinic?

I'll keep on trying to pursuede my partner. Ill say that it works for other couples, so maybe he should at least consider it! It's all just feels so messy and hard.

Thank you again. Sending big hugs back xxx

[Dunla in reply to Gabi80]

I know counselling can be quite daunting, I was even nervous about it myself to be honest. I’d never been before all this IVF madness took over our lives! Initially I went on my own and then eventually my husband went for a couple of sessions too. I do really think you and your partner would benefit from it too. It’s such a hard process and I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit for the emotional turmoil it causes us.

We’re all here in this forum to support each other too of course 😊 Everyone is so supportive and non-judgemental.

Thinking of you xx

[HollieW]

This process is so tough. I'm just recovering from a failed transfer and had a second ectopic pregnancy last June. I'm at that age where everyone I know is getting pregnant and it seems so easily. However, the decision I made was to be happy for them and to embrace it otherwise it eats you up and you end up missing out because you isolate and exclude yourself to protect how you feel. It's so hard as there is no right answer as to how you deal with these matters and counselling may help you unpick how you feel and indeed your husband about your journey and what the next steps are for you both. Wishing you all the best xx

[Gabi80 in reply to HollieW]

Hi hollie thanks for your reply. I so sorry to hear of your losses. It really feels so cruel to have to go through this pain once, let alone multiple times.

It is isolating, and for the first 3 - 4 years of trying, I continued to put myself in situations that broke my heart and were a struggle. But after a while I started to retreat and distance myself. But like you say, that can also lead to feeling lonely! Hard to know what to do!

I think counselling is definitely going to be beneficial. My partner has said no to this. But I'm happy to go by myself anyway.

I really wish you all the luck and hope you are doing ok xxx

[HollieW in reply to Gabi80]

I wish you all the luck too. It's a cruel process but it can only make you stronger xx

[Gabi80 in reply to HollieW]

Thank you. It can indeed xxx