anxious, miserable, scared of menopause, sick of waiting, dieting and thinking about it

[Cuppppatea]

Hi everyone hope you’re ok. I am 40 in 6 months time. I have one failed round of ivf behind me ( three eggs didn’t make it to blastocyst due to egg quality) that was in august.

I had a horrible experience with the nhs after that after being told I wasn’t eligible for another cycle. I fought this decision but by the time we were told we could go ahead we had tried naturally that month so unable to go ahead with the cycle. The next two cycles have been unable to go ahead due the clinic closing times over Xmas. So I am due to start January - three cycles late. Every dealing with them has made me more stressed.

Since starting the process I am overly anxious and feel in an anxious state most days. I’m having accupuncture and yoga but it doesn’t seem to help. I’m spending the whole day at work with a lump in my throat. I’m scared to go to the doctor because I don’t want them sharing anything with the fertility clinic. I nearly didn’t get ivf in the first place because I asked my dr to do some cortisol tests.

We are trying to conceive naturally while we wait for the next cycle in jan but I don’t even know how if that’s worth the hassle (last sperm test stats bad morphology motility the lot - but not sure on up to date)

Last month we managed 5 goes during my fertile window - at home insemination method which is embarrassing in its self - we don’t have sex anymore and hub has issues with edf anyway which we have not discussed. I was using ovulation tests which never darkened ( though I switched to clear blue last month and did get a smiley face) what does it mean when ovulation tests don’t go dark? Currently on the two week wait and symptom spotting as usual - did a test this morning which was obviously negative as it’s too early anyway.

I wanted to check if I was ovulating so did a day 18 progesterone test yesterday ( I have short cycles) and waiting for the results .

I’m petrified I’m going to go into early menopause. Last night and the night before I woke up in the early hours boiling hot but not sweating. My bleed is light and short and my cycle. 1.8 amh, 8.9 fsh which was 2.2 and 7 in feb last year.

I argued with my husband last night and he said he’s miserable and sick of me being miserable. We argue all the time and don’t seem to have fun anymore - I feel I’m always watching what he’s drinking when we are at a social occasion, and obvs I don’t drink. We were very much a ‘fun time’ couple before all this.I can’t talk to him about my feelings really.

I’m not looking forward to Xmas or any of that and just concerned how I’m going to keep up my diet. I’ve started

I hate feeling this way, waiting for period, waiting for ovulation. Overly noticing everything about my body. Watching my diet. I feel so miserable. I guess I don’t know what I’m expecting everyone to say to this just wanted to let it out I guess.

[Kitkat10]

Hi, just to say I’m sorry you are suffering through this. I felt very much the same at this stage. My partner is totally infertile though so we couldn’t even try naturally and like you I felt like each month was crucial. I can 100% relate to everything you describe but your numbers look fine to me. At 39 I was amh 1.2 and fsh 8.6 and I still had success but it took 3 cycles. I’m 43 now and still not menopausal so try not to worry about that. my friend started IVF at 40 and it worked for her first time so it can very definitely work for you in January. You’ve just got to get yourself there in the best form possible. I found it useful to set little non-ivf/ fertility related challenges to pass the time during the crappy covid-pause. I ran everyday or swam every Friday with my best friend or just walked the dog and tried to cover xx miles in a month. It’s a very tough process to navigate but you’ll get there, please just try and stay positive and remember all the things about yourself and your relationship that were there before IVF. Wishing you so much luck 🍀🍀 xx

[Cuppppatea in reply to Kitkat10]

Thanks so much for your reply. It did make me feel alot better. xxx