I’m looking for any tips really. I’m a bit of a veteran at IVF and coped with 6 failed transfers and now my third miscarriage. I’m not looking for a quick fix to coping with it all as there isn’t one but anything anyone found particularly useful (other than time) that they could recommend? I’m finding it really tough. Podcasts? Music? Books? Anything to assist with the constant feeling of failure I’m feeling? I have a counsellor that I speak to weekly but I’m just trying to cover all bases!
Practical advice all welcome. Thanks all 🙏
Xx
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hifer
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Hey love, sorry you're experiencing this. I've had three miscarriages too. The last one was unexpected and tough. I'm quite practical and spiritual, so on one hand I needed to delve into the depths of what and why. This lead me to quite a few answers whiche helped me. I also found an amazing acupuncturist who helped my body and mind through sessions with her. It was like physical counselling which sounds mad, but we also talker about my experience. It made me feel like I was doing something. I was also open and honest with friends and family, spoke about my raw pain which helped. But as you know it's a healing journey which takes a lot of time. Main thing is not to blame yourself, pregnancy is so unbelievably complicated!
I found I had underlying infections which needed addressing. And a few other things which I'm sure you've covered but uterine environment changes a lot. Worth checking that and your microbiome as pregnancy alters things. Sending you lots of love and light xxx
Thanks so much for your response. I’ve had fertility acupuncture before but not for a long time. Perhaps I should look into it again. Interesting that that helped your healing process. Also interesting that you said you’re talking to people about your raw pain. I’m doing the same.
I don’t think I can go through another ERA again. It was offered but I think I’m done on that front. Will bear it in mind though.
No worries, mine wasn't through that. I used a Greek company that analyses your menstrual blood. There's also another UK based company that is great for microbiome testing again non invasive. If you're interested in either happy to DM you xxx
So sorry you are feeling low. For me - podcasts (BFN and Am I Ovary Acting), speaking to the counsellor and yoga (fertility network do a series which is tailored depending on where you are in your cycle) have all helped. I've tried the Mindful IVF app too. It was good but it wasn't for me. I also try to plan things around my cycles. I buy and wrap all the birthday presents for the kids in my life (or presents for new babies) months in advance when I'm feeling a bit stronger so I know I don't have to deal with it if/when I'm not. That helps me feel more in control. Interested to hear of other suggestions though as I'm definitely not winning in this area! I find TV is the worst (so many ads about babies and family life!) so I also try to shut things out and read lots of books and listen to music rather than watching TV.
hi lovely 💜 I’ve just had everything confirmed today on my 3rd miscarriage as finally left my body so I’m feeling relieved about the physical part being over but looking to the same as you how do I now cope with everything emotionally! For me planning next steps always helps so I’m going to start that after the weekend and I’ve found the mindful IVF app helpful (but you need to pay for the miscarriage section which is annoying but I found worth it). I’ve also booked a wee holiday for end of next month to go and get away from it all and have a chance to stop from the reality of life for a week. Maybe that’s escapism rather than ‘dealing’ but I always do my best processing of things lying in some sunshine. Interested in others replies for ideas though. Thinking of you xxxxx 🤗
I’m sorry for your miscarriage as you know but I’m glad the physical part is over for you. I’ve thought about the mindful IVF app. I will look into it again. Great news re your holiday. We are going away for a long weekend next weekend actually as I’m with you, the sunshine definitely helps. I think that’s all part of the healing process. Thinking of you too xx
hi Hifer, I’m really sorry about your miscarriage. It’s a nightmare nobody should ever experience. I found very very helpful to listen the podcasts of “the worst girl gang ever”. I also have read the book. It helped me a lot as I felt less alone. I’m sending you a big hug ❤️🩹
Thanks so much. I’ve had some great podcast recommendations on this post so I’m now following them all. That’s really helpful and I’m sorry for your loss too xx
Grieving is a very complex process, but what helped me was to just keep focused on getting a result - I would do lots of research, change clinic, have a pin-board of famously long journeys (the CNN couple who had success on their 12th round!).
I also had a holiday in a non-family hotel where I just slept and ate and read. Tried to remember who I was as a person, rather than IVF. I finished a masters as a mature student whilst doing multiple rounds so I wasn’t so obsessed with just one thing….
The irony is - it was the only thing that kept me going. Due to deadlines, I was forced to think about something else, which was important because I had become totally obsessed. IVF literally dominated my every being….and it was mentally spiralling out of control.
Maybe the lesson is not something big like a masters but even just doing a short course in something you have always wanted to do that helps you reflect, evaluate, take time, refocus, remember who you are….could be useful.
There is another thing that helped - a book called The Underwear in my Shoe, which I found cathartic.
Of course this is all very subjective so maybe speak to your counsellor about what would work specifically for you x
I hear you totally and you’ve given me food for thought. Your first paragraph resonated so much. Learning is super important to me so you’ve opened up my mind to doing another course. I will look at your book rec too. Thanks so much xx
I binged it in one night at 4am! I found the miscarriage books too heavy for me when I was grieving - but that book was about the whole IVF journey (and it has a happy ending; which I truly believe everyone will get with determination and persistence and the right medical support). Let me know what you think! X
So sorry to read what you've gone through 💔 I've also had a fairly miserable long journey but no miscarriages. For me, finding things that bring me joy on a regular basis has helped - which are swing dancing (and the lovely community associated with it), gardening and spending time in nature.I have also recently downloaded the insight timer app which is a free guided meditation app and it has loads of different short guided meditations, with different focus eg positivity, gratitude, anxiety, trauma etc. I have started doing a regular evening wind down routine with my husband which involves a short meditation, and I am feeling so much calmer in my day to day life. I would recommend checking it out. Have also joined a local mountain yoga class which has been brilliant x
That all sounds super positive. I have a CALM subscription but I just struggle to make it part of a routine. I’ve had a suggestion of yoga on here that the fertility network provide. Mountain yoga sounds fabulous! Well done for working it all into your daily life and thanks for the suggestions x
So sorry to hear of your struggles with this journey it’s heart breaking. I found my best recovery from losses and disappointment was planning something nice immediately after. Anything from as simple as a movie night and a cheeky drink if my favourite beverage, booking a meal with my husband, booking an overnight stay, buying myself a nice gift for getting through the journey up to that point. That was my way of coping with it. I also found it was easier to actually not read up or listen to anything IVF related so that o could just have a break to clear my head. That’s what worked for me but maybe not for everyone xx
Thanks so much for your thoughts. That’s so interesting that you say you need space from anything IVF related. I will bear that in mind too. I’m also going to think about what I can buy myself. Great ideas x
Hi Hifer. I’m so sorry to read about what you’re going through. This journey can be crushing.
After my most recent miscarriage and then having all my PGTA tested embryos come back as abnormal, I went through a tough few weeks. I managed to pick myself up after but as Positive20 said, it was by not listening to or reading anything about IVF! I listened to some general uplifting self development type podcasts (not fertility related) when I was quite low, read and reconnected with spinning . The other thing that helped me was watching silly funny things like Curb Your Enthusiasm that has me just laughing out loud or things I wouldn’t usually watch. They may be silly little things but they remind me there is life out there beyond this.
One key thing for me also has been that for the last few years IVF has dominated everything- haven’t been away properly or can’t plan things in case timings fall during a cycle. I’ve now stopped this way of doing things. I figure, either way I’ll figure it out. Have been away to see friends overseas, been to the theatre and just doing things again. I think it’s really helped. Don’t get me wrong, all of the fertility stuff is still there and I still struggle with my feelings at times, especially when faced with pregnancy and birth announcements everywhere I turn these days, but those feelings don’t last as long now as I’m able to switch off from them more quickly.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. A lot of what you’ve said resonated with me. We’ve put our lives on hold for so long, like you have. We’re actually going away next weekend for a long weekend to an adults only hotel. Thank you so much for sharing all your thoughts. It is really helpful x
This is exactly how I felt. My entire life and any plans revolves around IVF treatment and I felt like I had lost part of myself in the process. On my last go of IVF I expected it to fail like the other attempts, so instead of not planning things, I planned things for after the treatment with the assumption I wouldn’t be pregnant. As it happened I was pregnant. It all worked out in the end despite me planning things around not being pregnant, everything was fine anyway.
I found the time out helped because when I’ve had treatment I felt I lost all control so by giving myself some time out that was me getting some back again xx
Thank you Hifer that’s so kind. I really hope you and everyone else on these forums have the same success. It took mental, physical and emotional strength to keep going with each transfer. It’s not easy at all xx
Hi Hifer,I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss and the difficult journey you are going through. I too have had 3 miscarriages. I've found I have had to boundary myself with people by not just looking after their needs all the time. I also go to fertility reflexology which I love as its time to myself and its relaxing!!
Let us know if you find anything else helpful, as its interesting to see what else is out there.
I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss 💕For me, I decided to come off social media as I found the posts / photos just too painful, I guess it’s about setting boundaries to protect yourself when you’re feeling vulnerable. Adult only hotels / holidays are also a good shout. Also little things like going to Zumba classes which are fun and uplifting and watching light hearted sitcoms can help cheer me up when I’m feeling low. Treating myself to a relaxing massage helps too. I can’t say I don’t have down days / moments but I hope this helps, take care xx
Hi Hifer, I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through. I think a lot of really good advice has already been given but I would just add that I also found taking a step away from social media, particularly IVF related content helped me as I had become slightly obsessed and it was just all consuming. After my first BFN, I bought myself some treats and booked a spa day which was heaven and oddly enough took my mind off of everything, even if it was just for a few hours. My hubby and I also went camping for a few nights which I thought I would hate but it ended up being just what we needed! A new experience that was lots of fun and we didn’t talk about IVF once! I think being kind to yourself is the most important thing. Thinking of you. 🤍
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm going through similar and I definitely don't have the answers because my mental health is touch and go at the moment and I'm often just getting through each day, but I'll share what I'm doing in case.
For background, I've had countless ivf cycles, cancelled cycles, failed transfers and 5 miscarriages. The 5th miscarriage a few months ago is what really sent me over the edge. It was the earliest one I've ever had (I was only 5.5 weeks) but this cycle we really threw everything at it and there's not much else left to try, so I think feeling hopeless and not being able to use hope and "next steps" as my coping strategy has been really hard. I also needed my 4th D&C which I wanted to avoid due to previous complications, the whole thing was traumatic.
The other thing is, the last 3.5 years of my life have been dominated by IVF. Absolutely everything else has been put on hold - my career, travel, friendships, relationships etc have all been hugely affected. This takes a cumulative toll.
I didn't feel like going but I forced myself to book a one week overseas solo trip. It was very last minute and I didn't want to have to go solo, but it was that or do nothing. It ended up being really helpful. It was the first time in so long that I didn't think about ivf or babies, the first time I enjoyed exploring and felt excited, I felt like myself again. It didn't solve everything but at least now I want to travel again.
I've also accepted a promotion at work starting next year. It will be a challenge and I'll be very busy. I don't want to do it and I don't feel excited, but I'm hoping that it will have a similar effect to the travel once I'm in the thick of it. The old me was career driven, I enjoyed my work and was invigorated by it... Maybe I can find that joy again. At the very least, hopefully if I can just keep going it will be a distraction.
Finally, I think if I can motivate myself to exercise and get in shape again that will help. It's a work in progress because my mental health is preventing that at the moment which is counter-productive, I know.
I have been seeing a psychologist for close to 3 years now but I'm starting to not want to go to her sessions and dread them, so I'm going to have to rethink that one...
Amazing thanks so much for sharing. Glad to see you’re finding some positives. Work is definitely helping me massively so I’m very very grateful for that x
Firstly I am so sorry you’re going through this. I haven’t had the same experiences as you but I have had a long journey to get here and recently had a second transfer fail which was really hard.
I second all the suggestions from everyone especially trying a new activity and getting away for a while. Its so easy to loose sight of who you are when on this journey, a new activity or scenery can help give your brain a break for a bit.
I found Best Friend Therapy a really helpful podcast, it’s between a therapist and her best friend discussing a range of topics (including infertility) (the one on grief is especially good). If you want a chuckle I love No Such Thing as a Fish. I also go to Zumba, have acupuncture, help at a community garden, and go to Good Gym, all of which I can do as and when my brain and body is feeling up to it. Really hope you can find things that help you to. xx
Oh love 💔 I don't have much advice I'm afraid, but wanted to say how sorry I am. I've considered trying fertility treatment to give our little one a sibling, but honestly I think I just need to leave that world behind. I don't think I could do it again. If it happened naturally again, so be it, but I couldn't face all the IVF again. So I think you're VERY strong in keeping going 💓💓
The only thing I'd say is, make sure you try to seize every minute whilst TTC. Whatever you love, make sure to make time for it, and don't worry too much about special diets avoiding all the good stuff in life, which just make us unhappy!
I'm so so sorry you're having to deal with this awful loss again. It's so unfair xx
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