Coping with pregnant friends

[RoseLodge32]

I feel awful saying this, but I've been fortunate enough thus far that none of my close friends have fallen pregnant since my partner and I started our journey. That is until very recently and I wondered how others had coped.

I mean this wholeheartedly, when I say that I am nothing but happy and excited for my friend. I also cannot deny that the news has made me sad as it's a harsh reminder that things haven't been easy and that the experience and joy of being late and then getting a positive pregnancy test has been taken away from us. Luckily, after a day or so of feeling down and crying, these thoughts have passed, however I'm now left with another worry which I've not yet experienced and aren't sure how to process...

I'm now extremely worried about being in a group situation with this friend. I hate the idea that my situation and presence would or is taking away from the celebration. I hate that my friend probably feels like she couldn't announce it in our group chat. I'm worried that when we all next meet up, rather than it being the big topic of conversation, it will be sidelined as to not upset me. I don't like the idea that I am a burden on someone else's joy but I also don't want to hear about it loads. I don't want to know that it was a 'complete surprise' or that they 'weren't even trying'. I don't want to have to sit their smiling from ear to ear whilst worrying about how obvious it is that I am so uncomfortable inside.

So I guess I'm looking to vent but also wanting to see how others coped with these kind of situations? xx

[McQueeny]

First of all, don’t feel awful. We’ve all been there, and it’s really, really hard. A friend of mine got pregnant on her honeymoon after my husband and I had been through 2 failed IVF attempts - I was delighted for her but it also really hurt. When we then met up with a couple of other friends it was ok - it was hard, and I almost didn’t go, but I managed to process it by then and be glad to be there, and the other ladies were balanced - there was some pregnancy talk but it wasn’t all about that, we all had a really good time catching up and I didn’t feel terrible and she didn’t feel short changed. So I would be tempted to say, on the group front, don’t over-think it. I’m not saying it won’t be hard - it will - but I don’t think you’d be a burden on anyone. If they’re all grown ups and decent people there’ll be a natural balance somewhere….

Another friend of mine also started trying roughly when we did , and they struggled too - she is one of my closest friends and I love her to bits, and I still hoped she wouldn’t fall pregnant before me. It’s impossible not to feel that way, so don’t beat yourself up…

[RoseLodge32 in reply to McQueeny]

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. It's good to know that I am not alone in feeling like this. I'm trying really hard to separate my joy for my friend and my feelings of sadness for our own situation as I really don't want to get them confused and also add feeling guilty to the mix.

I think you are right re seeing my friends, in that I just need to bite the bullet vs avoiding them. I fear that if I do the latter, I will just end up building it up in my head until it becomes a completely out of control anxiety. It's such a difficult situation to navigate and get my head/feelings around. Luckily my friends aren't super baby obsessed/orientated so I will keep that in mind too.

Thank you for your your advice and I hope that things work out for you soon! xx

[McQueeny in reply to RoseLodge32]

I think you’re absolutely right, it’ll just build up in your head. I also thought at the time that not seeing my friends is just sad, and I was miserable enough without cutting myself off from people I actually liked - so all in all the balance was in favour of spending time with friends being a good thing….

Thank you, and so much good luck to you ☺️ xx

[Emilye92x]

Hi lovely!Please don’t feel guilty this is such a natural response to have, I’ve felt exactly the same way as you!! I’ve watched almost every single one of my friends and siblings have babies/announce pregnancies whilst under investigation for our fertility issues and IVF treatment (it’s taken a while!)

I do think it’s actually lovely and thoughtful of your friends not to shove it in your face, my friends did the same on separate occasions.

A couple messaged me privately about it and I thanked them for being so considerate but said to them my experience shouldn’t taint theirs as I felt the same way as you!

A few buddies have done exactly as you said and bragged about how they ‘didnt even really have to try’ and unfortunately those comments will be burned into my brain forever but I am so mindful that my fertility is not in everyone’s thoughts 24/7 like it is my own and try not to take too much personal offence!

I think the best thing to do is take every situation as it comes, and if they’re good enough friends don’t be scared to tell them how you’re feeling as they may be caught up in their own excitement and forget about the struggles you’re going through

I’ve also declined a few invitations involving/surrounding their children which did leave me feeling guilty but actually feel like it did me a lot of good!

Sorry if that’s just a complete load of waffle I think I needed a vent too 😂 hope you’re okay xxx

[RoseLodge32 in reply to Emilye92x]

Not a complete load of waffle at all, so much of what you've shared resonates with me right now. Thank you for replying, as I said to McQueeny, knowing that it is completely normal and ok to have these feelings makes me feel much more at peace!

Also, on reflection, the fact that my friend messaged me directly and in a really sensitive way actually makes me feel very supported. I'm sure I'm over here worrying about dampening her joy and she's over there worrying about flaunting her pregnancy in front of me. I guess it's just going to take a little balance and openness.

I just took a look at your profile and can see you just had a transfer so wanted to say good luck! I hope this is the one xx

[Emilye92x in reply to RoseLodge32]

It’s mad on this forum how many of us feel the same way but are afraid to say so/feel they’re alone in their thoughts!!Yeah I totally agree I think sometimes we’re just too nice and considerate to each other that everyone ends up feeling guilty 😂😂

I hope things ease over time with you and I’m sure your friends will be understanding if you feel able to open up 😊

That’s so kind thank you so much!! Looks like you’re moving ahead nicely with your journey too all the very best 🤞🤞💕 xx

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Roselosge.It is important to tell yourself that the feelings you are experiencing are quite normal. It’s important that you choose how and with who you spend your time at the moment in order to minimise any distress and to look after yourselves. Also remember that most people experiencing infertility do so as a couple and often feel very isolated, so apart from each other, in spite of your huge family, it would be good to confide in one of your best friends or a family member. oup? There’s always the opportunity of counselling which might help, your clinic should be able to organise this for you both. Meanwhile I do wish you well t. Thinking of you. Diane

[RoseLodge32 in reply to DianeArnold]

Thanks Diane. It's good to know that I am not the only one who experiences these feelings!

I have actually been fairly open with most of my close friends. In some ways it's scary as I often wonder if they are watching to see if I am avoiding foods or not drinking but on the other hand they have been such a great support and like you say, I would feel even more alone if I hadn't confided in them. I've also been going through therapy and luckily have a session this week so look forward to just saying all of this out loud to someone who can help me work through it! I've found that often just getting it out of your system can work wonders.

[MakingbabyN]

Hi RoseLodge - I’ve been in this situation too and it’s so hard. First it was my best friend. Then 2 other friends followed. With my best friend she felt absolutely awful telling me. Whilst I was happy for her, I struggled to see her pregnant and I saw her a lot less. When baby arrived, I felt fine and knew I loved the baby. Pregnancy was a lot harder. I didn’t feel like a great friend when she was pregnant, a lot of the time I couldn’t muster up the strength to ask her how it was going etc. On my good days I would, but most often I wouldn’t. And she understood. We have to do these things for our own sanity and good friends totally get it and are sensitive to that.

I know what you are saying about group situations, but in all honestly, you probably do need your friend to be sensitive. If she isn’t, it will be painful for you.

Thinking of you, you’ll navigate a way through, even if it isn’t easy xxx

[RoseLodge32 in reply to MakingbabyN]

Thanks so much for replying and so sorry to hear that you've also had a hard time with this :(. I think I'll be the exact same, in that the pregnancy will be the hardest part vs once the baby actually arrives.

I feel terrible saying this but I really hope no other close friends fall pregnant soon. Hopefully by the time I've navigated this one, I will feel a little stronger navigating the next! xx

[MakingbabyN in reply to RoseLodge32]

Totally get that. I’ve lived life in fear of the next announcement for the last couple of years. Constantly thinking about whose potentially next and bracing myself for it. So unfair! Xx

[Star241]

It’s very hard the only advice I can give that if it is too hard give yourself space, if you are meeting up give yourself options to leave if you feel like you need to and feel like you need to escape, I have done this recently by saying I think I can only stay for an hour, then if you actually feel ok then stay but I completely get it there is no easy way to deal with it xxxx

[RoseLodge32 in reply to Star241]

Thank you for replying and for the advice. I think this is a good idea as it's always so hard to tell what kind of day you're going to have. I'm sure sometimes the baby talk won't bother me vs other days just the mention of it will send me over the edge! xx

[Star241 in reply to RoseLodge32]

I know exactly some days I am the same other times it is just too much to hear. I hope you navigate it in a way that is kindest to you x

[Twiglet2]

Perhaps you could take control of the situation and days you are feeling strong enough be the one to bring up the subject of your friends news and ask how she is etc so people know it’s okay. However some days don’t be afraid to mute the chat or not go to the get together if you need that space. I had gotten myself more than a bit worked up at one point in our journey where all my friends and cousins of similar age and younger were pregnant or just had babies and I had to do some work internally on my mindset (there are a lot of resources available online or your clinic may have a fertility counsellor). 2 things that worked for me:1) I constantly reminded myself I did not want THEIR baby I wanted our own and them having a child in no way changed my position

2) I imagined there was a list of people who were going to get pregnant and I was somewhere down that list so for every person I heard who got pregnant and had a baby it meant I was getting closer and closer to the top (a visual mind trick that really helped me be happy for them and a little happy for me when I heard an announcement)

I did sometimes just have to not attend the family gathering etc to protect myself, for example right after a failed transfer or when I had an early loss but most of the time it helped me function and be happy without worrying about being the debbie downer. Not sure if any of that helps, just what worked for me 🤗 xx

[RoseLodge32 in reply to Twiglet2]

Thank you so much for replying and for your tips! I love the list idea and I think you are right in that it's a mindset shift. Luckily I have been regularly going to therapy throughout all of this so I have someone I can talk it out with and who can help me to view things in a different light. Just need to learn some techniques which work for me xx

[Twiglet2 in reply to RoseLodge32]

That’s fab you have someone you’re talking to already 👌🏻 Yeah we are all different I was glad I found something that worked there’s quite a few apps and YouTube things online, so hopefully something 🤗 but some days it’s defo like 😭😭😭😭 not today it’s too much and I told myself that’s okay too xx

[Mrsmch]

For me it never bothered me others getting getting pregnant which I know is in the minority camp. Their ability to get pregnant had no baring on me and my struggles x

[RoseLodge32 in reply to Mrsmch]

Hopefully I can get to where you are one day! Strangers and friends of friends, it just washes over me now but I'm not quite there yet when it comes to my close friends. New territory for me I guess! xx

[Jana483]

Everyone around me got pregnant without even trying even my own sister, I cried a lot for the same reasons you described!Holding their babies were even harder I can't even describe it.

I did eventually get pregnant via ivf after 6 years and I now have a 2.5 years old daughter but honestly it does not get easier when someone I know falls pregnant without even trying or by mistake.

[RoseLodge32 in reply to Jana483]

Thanks Jana for replying to me and I am so glad that your story worked out in the end <3 xx

[Ree_Laine]

Hey Rose, I think it’s perfectly natural to feel how you do. Since the pandemic until now honestly I have witnessed 4 of my close friends become pregnant and in total held about 6 babies during our time of struggle. As you say it’s not like you’re not happy for them but you just feel so sad inside sometimes like why hasn’t it happened for us, when is it our time. Some of my friends have actually had 2 babies back to back. I didn’t tell most of my friends about our struggles until a year later of trying when we found out my partner has non obstructive Azoospermia. All of my friends have been really supportive and always ask how I am they don’t throw it in my face loads about their children and only tend to mention about their kids when I ask or comment on pics. I think they probably understand that they would have more conversation with another mummy about their child teething or the tantrums their tot is going through with a parent in a similar boat. So I tend to not talk about the beach holidays I’ve just booked with my partner or where I’m going out for dinner, drinks that they can’t easily get up and do. I think there is comfort in knowing for me that my time Is my time! Everyone’s timing is different whilst I can’t believe some of my friends have had 2 under 2 and how behind I feel starting a family I may just have twins and have a double whammy when I fall pregnant. I have faith that God’s timing is not our timing and everything will fall in to place. So many of us feel the same way you do but no need to change how you feel to suit others and situations. You can refuse to do certain things as well if you feel they are triggers that means no social media, you don’t need to attend gatherings, baby showers, baby parties and put you and mental health 1st that’s what I do xx This too shall pass! Keep the faith hun. I say this and haven’t even started any type of treatment because of our NHS delays but I know it will happen eventually.

[RoseLodge32 in reply to Ree_Laine]

Thanks so much for replying and sharing what's been working for you <3 soooooo many babies have come out of the lockdown haven't they! I'm so glad I am not the only one going round and round in my head with these thoughts and feelings. You are so right that our time will come and everything will fall into place as it should and I like that you're making the most of being child free in the mean time! Maybe I need to up my holidays in the mean time xx

[Olive0804]

Just wanted to say I have found this the most helpful thread I’ve read so I am thankful to you RoseLodge32 for getting the conversation going! Everything you wrote is so relatable and has helped me feel less alone, I really hope it’s made you feel a little bit better too xx

[RoseLodge32 in reply to Olive0804]

It definitely did and I am glad you found some comfort in it too! xx

[Redsequin]

Hi lovely. I struggled with this for a long time, particularly before we’d even got a diagnosis and I just couldn’t understand why we weren’t getting pregnant. I’d be so sad and angry every time I even saw a pregnant person. My lowest point was a friend who knew I was struggling with infertility called me up and told me over the phone that she was pregnant. It was awful: I burst into tears and then felt so guilty/it wasn’t easy for her either. It made me realise that you have to tell people how to help you when you’re struggling. She thought the right thing to do was tell me in person, but for me it was awful because it didn’t give me time to compose myself.

After that I started to be more open with people about what I needed. I asked friends to text me if they became pregnant r/t call. I said I might not manage baby showers. I asked them not to tell me about their acquaintances who had become pregnant. I asked them not to say “What is meant to be will be” and other platitudes. It really helped when I was at my lowest point and gave me space to work on letting go of comparison.

I made use of a few ideas/resources to help me get better with other people’s pregnancies. The IVF This podcast really helped me because it has lots of practical approaches for understanding and dealing with all the many emotions of infertility. The other thing that helped was trying to think “yes please!” when I saw someone who was pregnant to acknowledge it was what I wanted and feel hope it might happen rather than automatically thinking “I’ll never have that”.

By my last IVF cycle I’d really improved. I was even able to go on holiday with a heavily pregnant friend. She talked about her pregnancy non stop, but I realised I’d healed a lot because most of the time it went over my head or I got caught up in her excitement (there were a few bitter-sweet/painful moments too of course!)

Anyway! A bit of a ramble. I’m sorry you’re going through this: it really is so hard to wrap your head around but I promise it gets better over time even if it never completely goes away. Xxxx

[RoseLodge32 in reply to Redsequin]

Thanks so much for replying to my post. Sorry to hear that you've had a tough time with this too, it makes me hopeful that you feel stronger than you did at the start! I actually met up with two friends this morning who reassured me and said that my pregnant friend was having the exact same worries as me. I guess good to know that we are equally wanting to be sensitive towards one another!

Thank you for the podcast recommendation (I love a podcast). I've listened to BFN in the past but hadn't heard of The IVF This podcast so I will give that a go :). I actually feel a bit better after meeting with my friends earlier, has helped me to shake off that initial 'elephant in the room' fear!

I see that you've just got a BFP too - congratulations! <3 xx

[Redsequin in reply to RoseLodge32]

Thanks, lovely.

One thing to be aware of with the IVF This podcast is when I first tried to listen, I thought the intro was really cheesy and it put me off so much 😂, but when I persevered I found it to be a mine of information about coping with infertility emotions. There’s also some specific ones about friendships.

So glad seeing your friends helped! Sometimes it’s just about getting over that first hurdle, and it’s lovely you’re both so concerned about protecting each other’s feelings. Xxx