Fertility Network UK
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Coping with emotions after failed ivf

So I'm struggling atm coping with my emotions. I failed my 4th ivf two weeks ago so guess its all still so raw to be dealing with. I think work is triggering my feelings but i just cant afford to be off. I work in customer services and get a lot of shitty customers and I'm completely fine until someone shouts and screams at me. Then i do one of two things, cry and have an anxiety attack or shout. Neither of the two are helping me atm. I need to keep my job but also need to grieve and maintain my sanity.

Aftet the 4 ivf's I've done I've discovered that i suffer with anxiety quite badly. I physically shake when I'm trying to be in control of a situation or my emotions. I've previously had meds for it but can't take them when doing ivf or ttc.

Its just so rubbish. I can't help but think is it the ivf that has put me here or is it just deeper issues I've had that ivf has bought out in me. I'm going to book an appointment with a counsellor soon, i think.

My due date for my mc would have been friday too so thats stirring up lots of emotion in me. My family have just stayed away from me and not said anything to me which hurts. I feel such a sad case as I've driven away all my friemds as soon as they have kids. Its just too painful to be around. I literally have no one left. Makes me think it must be me. No one wants to be around me.

I absolutely hate my life. I don't have anything and just feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. Then I'm confused if what I'm feeling is exagerative because of the ivf or if the way I'm feeling is because of it. Thought it'd be easier as donethis 3 times butit is getting so hard now.

24 Replies

Aww. No wonder you are struggling. I've done 1 icsi cycle which failed and to do 4 which have failed is no mean feat. I defo think with each cycle it ll get harder. Poor you esp with your miscarriage due date approaching.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Ivf can cause a strain on your own life. It's a constant pressure. Definitely go to counselling take some time out see how you feel. Be kind to yourself xx


Thank you Katya38. I think i do give myself a hard time a lot. Just so fed up of being stuck in this hole and feeling like this. xx


Oh soap suds 💔

due date anniversaries are really hard 😔

I don't think at all ppl don't want to be around you, I just think its difficult for them if they can't relate, that's why here's a good place to let your feelings out.

I think you need to give yourself a break, theres no timescale deadline for grief,it's a process. and each time you go through a failed cycle I think you grieve a little bit more.

Your anxiety might not be something that's triggered by anything specific, it's probably an accumulation of everything your dealing with, and your body and brain trying to make sense of your emotions.

I was sad because I had Miscarried, and had the thing I craved snatched away I was p*issed off because no one understood, I felt a failure because I couldn't get pregnant, felt insulted because people distanced them self from me. Felt like there was a void there that just couldnt be filled! Chuck in a few hormones and medication on top of that.. 😬 That's a lot to be dealing with..

I was offered counselling through work.never saw anyone face to face but did have phone consultations, and it helped, if you can get that support then try it, I was really guarded at first and the wall was straight up but gradually with small steps we got there. I stopped over analysing my feelings and just went with it. Your only human Hun. now I'm more of a talker than a bottler 😊

It sounds like you've got your head well screwed on to me, I just think you've been through a hell of a lot, and the anxiety is way of all this manifesting itself. Your reaching out right now by writing this post, fantastic. Let people here help you who KNOW what your going through 😊

Your in the right place ❤️


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Hey misswinky34

I agree with you about grieving a bit harder each time. Although i don't rember feeling like this after miscarriage. Unless its now all coming out in me. I do bottle things up.

I had been having telephone counselling last time so i should book again. I just dont want to initially as I'll just cry down the phone. I do bottle too. Its not healthy, i know.

Sorry you mc too. How are things now? Have you decided on next steps?

Yes makes a huge difference talking to people who "get it". I get fed up with generic answers or "think positively" ( which i agree to a certain extent- although i do feel I've fallen harder cos of it ). My counsellor has been through ivf too so helps so much xxx


To be honest I'm in a customer facing role and I was taking it out On everyone I spoke to. I was 'encouraged' to take up the counselling organised by them I think to protect my job!! There's lots of ppl on here who have amazing. Partners etc but mine keeps his emotions well hidden away. I feel more supported in places like this forum If I'm brutally honest. It's not his fault, he's just very alpha male! 🙄

I'm at work now lol so I better pretend to be doing something... 😏 Xxx


same with me. I have had times I have felt pissed off because no one understood how I was feeling about things.


I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I've had 3 BFNs from 3 rounds of ICSI. It's coming up to the 3rd anniversary of what should have been our due date from natural conception that ended in mc and I find myself thinking about what might have been. I think it does get harder with each BFN as it is compounded by the other BFNs. We've ceased treatment.

Are you not entitled to sick pay? You could get your GP to sign you off. Is your manager aware that you've been undergoing treatment? If they are could they place you temporarily on other duties that aren't front line? Obviously keeping your job is important but your health is also important. I've had some counselling to help me cope with the grief of childlessness, to understand the grief process and to know my response is normal. Other people can find it hard to understand but we are grieving the failure of treatment, mcs and perhaps facing life without having children. You are still very early days, with time things have got better for me. It's only within the last few months that I've been able to talk with my mum about the childlessness aspect. She was also grieving our failed treatment and sometimes said some things that weren't very helpful. I think people don't know what to say.

I've got a history of anxiety and depression and went back on meds after the first BFN and stayed on them until after the 3rd BFN. Medication might be part of the answer so might be worth discussing with your GP. There are meds that are ok for pregnant ladies and my GP prescribed one of these just in case I got that elusive BFP.

Be kind to yourself and take lots of care. Use this forum as a safe place to off load.


Hey pm27,

Yeah i do have sick pay but already had 5 weeks off sick this year as well as my holiday entitlement because of treatment so I'm aiming to not be away if i.can

Yeah my manager knows and has been supportive but i don't want to push it. I think the whole changing job role for a while so not customer facing is a good idea. I think I'll offer this suggestion.

I think I'll give it a couplr of weeks andifi haven't noticed movement in grieving I'll consult a gp xxx



I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. It's just the most awful thing in the world to face and other people just don't know what to say or do and often then say nothing, which makes you think that they don't care but I think they do, they are just so afraid of offending.

I've been through 3 failed IVF's and then had a miscarriage after a natural conception so I know how you feel and it does get harder instead of easier. I came across a quote the other day which reminded me just how strong I am and how strong all the women on here are who face one of the hardest things in life 'on particularly tough days when I feel that I can't possibly endure, I remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days is 100% so far' so never forget how strong you are and how well you are doing.

Try and be with the people you love and perhaps reconnect with friends, perhaps if you explained how you feel to them they might understand a little more?! I know how hard it is to be around family and friends who have babies, the jealousy kills you inside but I really try to just remind myself that one day I could have this too and that hope keeps me going.

Take joy in the little things that you have and keep hopeful that your day will come, it's ok to have bad days and just cry when you need to and let it all out. I had a horrendous day in work last week when a client who was pregnant said to me 'never get pregnant, it's so uncomfortable' and 'wait till you have a baby, then you'll know what tired is' after telling me she didn't really want this baby she just didn't want her other child to be an only child. I was so hurt and sad and wanted to tell her to shut up but I just came home and cried, it's so hard and we have to face things like this everyday. Be brave and keep going, you're loved and your life is important now as it is and as you are.

I hope you feel a little better soon and all your dreams come true someday very soon.



Hi Isa84

Thank you for the reply.

My parents have just been so distant. I've had 1 text in two weeks. No call, no visit, nothing. my sister i can't bare to speak to atm as when i first said ivf worked and was pregnant, her response " well it isn't anything yet". Then when i miscarried on mothers day, she said "well i wasn't a proper baby". I was 7 weeks gone. Those words have impaired my grieving and she influences my parents.

Thats awful about your work colleague. Thats so insensitive. One of my managers made a comment about a heavily pregnant woman this week and i.became very snappy at her. I.just bite back as I'm sick and tired of it.

Thank you for your kind words. Wish you the best too xxx


I'm just gobsmacked at some of the comments people can say! Omg even if we hadn't been so infertile all them years I would NEVER make comments like I've read you ladies have had. grrrrr

People are so blasé about having babies and what stage a baby is a proper baby.

Disgusting 😡

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Had another at work. One of my managers knowing what treatment I've had, telling me about her abortion. Of course i saw red and I now have to have a disclipinary at work for upsetting her! So angry!!

I've not gone into work today as that manager will be there and i can't work around her now. So frustrated by the whole situation 😒😠😡😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈


OMG 😡😡

Has she raised a grievance against you? That's the only way it could reach disciplinary. And if they do it properly they have to ask you about mitigating circumstances, all tog have to do there Ian bring up the treatment you've had and the emotional distress HER comments have caused. They won't be able to do anything to you.

It should be her apologising to you.!

Insensitive cow 😡

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I've already had an investigation done on me for a customer issue ( which was not my fault- yet again was her fault) so by her saying that in writing, pushes me to disciplinary. I've asked for ocupational health refferal when starting this round and was refused as it was classed as "cosmetic procedure" because i don't really have to have it done!! 😡😈👿👿👿👿👿👿👿👿👿

Ah well, at least I'm honest I told her what i think of her! She's lucky I'm not on buserelin atm, I may have had even more to sayl 😂😂


Well they sound like a set of unsympathetic arses to me 😡 On what planet is it cosmetic? In that case So is her termination? Grrr. They are lucky you don't get yourself signed off with stress and then they will soon get occupational health involved.

Good for you Hun for givin her a piece of your mind!! 👏



Exactly my thoughts!! Cosmetic procedure 💩 i directed them to nhs website where it states its a medical condition if not conceived after the two years! Then tgey don't umderstand ivf and just think you take a couple of pills or something . Ignotance is bliss!!

I love writing so free and not having to re-rrad everything i write!

Tbh I'mnormally quite free with.my mouth but then i get in trouble 😂


My first IVF has just failed. I can't begin to imagine how you feel. I hope you find some strength in the days to come. Take care.


Oh I'm so sorry!!! How are you feeling?

Thank you so much 😘 xxx

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Heartbroken yesterday (OTD) but just depressed today. I'll survive I'm sure. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Maybe next time it will work. I'm not ready to give up. And ps, you're welcome! X


Yes don't give up! Its just allowing yourself to feel it all.

Mine failed about 3 weeks ago and I'm only.now getting angry/frustrated phase atm.

I understand i have to go through it but it still is rubbish!! We're all in it together!! Xx

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We're here for you. I am still trying myself. I can see how much you're distraught. Please update us with progress. xxx

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Hey, it is totally understandable that you are struggling with this dear! its okay and i hope that everything will work out for you in time. Its definitely a difficult thing to go through, and i can totally relate because just a year ago i was in the very same position as you, and i was really demoralised. we went through three cycles too, and it was just as bad the last time as it was the first. i totally understand, and i really struggled with my job too. i got to the very last straw with my boss, but i did manage to bounce back and get back into it, my husband and i had a baby through surrogacy, and i got myself back together with his help. it was a journey, but we made it through. i am sure that you will too! keep faith and keep moving forward, i am sure that it will all work out! best wishes!!

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Hey, there I hope you're feeling better now. I am so sorry to hear about your loss as it must have been extremely difficult for you. However, my suggestion to you would be that you stay upright and don't lose any hope. I would suggest that you instead of going for IVF opt for surrogacy. As that would ensure that you're able to become a mother. Not only that but are also genetically linked with the baby. However, make sure the clinic you visit is a professional one and is knowledgeable. The one I visited was really efficient, especially it came to talk about the legal work. The patient-practitioner relation was also amazing. So don't lose all my warm wishes are with you.


Hey, it was a while a go but I thought I'd give an update. Looking back at this post I realise just how distraught I was and realising how emotional I was.

I used that fight,anger and emotion to fuel the work situ. Ended up being sacked but got a ssshhh settlement from them as had major grounds to take them to tribunal. So that finished rather well with a big 🖕 to them.

I took time out to take care of myself and heal both physically and emotionally. I now go to acupuncture, reflexology,have fertility massage, changed my diet, do yoga, go running and discovered I have endometriosis and lack vitamin d which majorly effects symptoms.

I do have a new job too who treat me well but don't "get it". I'm not ready to let go of having my ow biological baby yet, although I do have my moments! But I'm in a much stronger healthier place than I was when I wrote this post 💪


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