Relationship and communication

[LondonBornLad]

Hi all

This is more of a emotional post rather than a physical health one.

I have had 2 fertility tests this year (male) to confirm that my sperm count is considered low with abnormal morphology and reduced motility.

To say I took this hard is an understatement - it knocked me considerably, has been on my mind all year and despite 6 months between the tests, taking up the Gym and looking after my physical health, eating better - not drinking alcohol at all and cutting down smoking (on my way to quitting) - to see negligible improvements once again destroyed me

My partner doesn't seem to the see the seriousness in it and definitely doesn't understand why this has affected me so much and equally, why I would like to keep this information private between us. I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this either from a male or female perspective, how did you communicate it to your partner so they understood?

[CardiGrey]

Hi LondonBornLad,

The news that you’ve received is shocking and of course upsetting. Similar to some of our diagnoses of PCOS, endometriosis, low AMH etc, it makes us think the worst that we will never be parents, which is still a massive taboo in society. Therefore, I do think that both parties should agree as to whether they keep it private or share this information as it’s of course very sensitive. There is also an element of blame when the “problem” is with you.

I would just have an open conversation with your partner and let her know you are uncomfortable with such sensitive information about your health being shared. As my partner has children from a previous relationship, and I have PCOS, I’ve always felt sensitive to people asking when we’re having kids and what we share with who. However, he’s very understanding of that.

I hope your partner understands and that you can get some support.

[Anxiousintrovert]

just wanted to wish you best of luck in your journey and send you a lot of strength and resilience. I must say though, quitting smoking will have made dramatic difference- you can do it! Also, avoid hot baths and tight trousers- but you probably already know it! Try and have a heart to heart with your partner, maybe she pretends to be so blasé to shield you from more pain. In any case- wishing you good luck x

[Teddy94]

It can definitely be hard to hear news like that, my partners got extremely low sperm count and it is a very big thing to deal with so I’m sorry you’re going through that!

Have you tried adding in a supplement? Something like impryl? Also you could get your hormones checked as lots of your hormones can affect fertility & sperm count.

Sperm regenerates every 90 days so you will need to stick to any new things for a few months before you will see any difference.

Definitely just talk to your partner and be open about how this is affecting you, good luck 🤞🏼

[Anonimatoz]

We all have different perspectives on fertility issues and how it affects our minds.I learned through communicating with my husband that he felt ashamed, guilty and less of a man for not being able to have a kid (he has no sperm, so a bit more serious than your situation).

I had no idea he felt this way before reading other men's stories and talking openly with my husband.

Even when I thought the main fertility issue was with me, I never felt ashamed. It is a health condition, it is no one's fault. So I was very surprised with how he felt.

He told me it help him to talk to another men he trusted, but you need to be ready to share as the first guy he talked to you didn't really share the same perspective. Talking out loud can make us realise things are not as bad as we think.

After we started sharing we found out so many people are going through fertility struggles, it becomes easier to focus on the solutions rather than suffering with the problem. But there's also nothing wrong with keeping it totally private! Just take care of your mental health and don't get too paranoid with lifestyle changes, do what feels right to you.

[Rhubarb5]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. My husband has azoospermia and it took him a long time to come to terms with. I wondered if you have found the Himfertility support section on the website? Could never persuade my husband to join but it’s meant to be very helpful.

[HCNW]

Hiya I’ve just read your post. I’m really sorry to hear that you didn’t get the results you wanted from your test.

Don’t give up on your journey to being a Father it is still possible. There are day operations that can be done to retrieve the live sperm deep within the ball sacks to freeze. My husband has this operation and it was successful. Keep doing everything you can to maintain a healthy diet. Are you taking any vitamins or supplements? Both me and my husband take vitamins daily there are a few main ones that he says he feels a difference after taking them for a while.

Find time to sit down with your partner again and explain this is all new to you and until you get more information or know what you are going to do going forward you want to keep it private. Personally I felt my infertility was down to me after doing some test we found out we where struggling to conceive natural due to my husband. When my husband found out this news he was devastated I advised him to talk to his mum or brothers about but he totally refused saying they would not understand what we are going through and his brothers will see him as less of a man. So we spent some years dealing with things between the two of us and people thinking the infertility was on my part. I really didn’t mind I wanted to protect my husband and his feelings. As a couple or a married couple your both on the journey together. There are no loop holes or short cuts. I began reaching out to men in similar situations to see how they coped with things so I could support and help my husband to come to terms with what we are going through. After some time he opened up and it has helped our IVF journey as he is now forth coming to try new things or taking private test, reading and researching IVF, he is more present during doctors appointments and askes more questions relating to our IVF journey. Please feel free to DM me if you want to talk further or if you would like me to put you in touch with my husband.

[herewego89]

When my husband and I started the IVF program at the beginning of this years with provisional checks mine came back PCOS which we knew about and I felt a huge burden for the 15 years we have tried to conceive, and then his results came back and he had low morphology…. I was surprised, BUT He was shocked and gutted and deflated. He kept apologising and I just tried to make sure he understood that it’s not his fault. In all honesty as messed up as this sounds I felt a little relieved, the fact we couldn’t conceive was due to both of us and not just myself (selfish perhaps I know). He’s made lifestyle changes too, caffeine free, stopped drinking alcohol after work, he was already physically fit. The changes have helped but it’s taken 8 months for there to be a marginal change.

We spent a few months researching and informing ourselves, but now to keep it light hearted we laugh about it… it’s helped mental health wise and by taking control with humour it has made us feel more in Control of our physical health 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣