Advice re new relationship

[ToffeeLou]

hi everyone, am seeking some advice on how to approach my clinic regarding the possibility of fertilising new donor eggs with my boyfriend’s sperm. It’s a new relationship (5 months) and we’ve known each other a bit longer (8 months). He’s been incredibly supportive and was fantastic when I was pregnant over Christmas and then suffered a miscarriage. He’s always said he’ll be my donor but at 43 I’m unlikely to get pregnant with my own eggs. I have 2 embryos left with double donor, one 5BC and the other which they’ve said is quite poor so should just be kept in reserve and 4 eggs which we can fertilise but previously they said i should use the Bc embryo first. I haven’t spoken to them about my boyfriend but I’m keen to use his sperm and fertilise the other 4 eggs I have especially given the quality of the one they’re suggesting I use isn’t great. But I’m worried they’ll see this as a wasted embryo. I know 5 months isn’t a long time for a relationship so I don’t know whether to take my chances on the 5BC or speak to the clinic about fertilising the other ones. I don’t want to approach my clinic and them be annoyed at me potentially wasting the embryo for this new relationship. But equally I know I’d love to have a baby with my boyfriend if possible. He will support me either way. He has one daughter from a previous relationship and has said he’d like more in the future. If anyone has any advice to share then I’d be very grateful! 🙏

[jinis]

Hey lovely,

I think the most important thing is to figure out how you feel & what you want. It's hard enough to figure these things out at the best of times, so I can only imagine how paralysing it is to take into account what the clinic might think of your decisions in addition.

It's your life, and whilst clinics are there to provide medical expertise and tools to make our dream come true, they're not there to make judgement about choices their patients make. Now, I'm not saying they won't, as there are all kinds of people out there, but if they did, I would just kindly ignore their precious opinions about what others should do in their lives (unless medically obligated of course).

If you decide to go ahead with your partner's sperm, you could (and probably should, if financially viable) always keep the current embryos in the freezer as back-ups, and they won't be a "waste". And in the (amazing) event of you having your rainbow baby with your partner's sperm, you then have a choice to use them for siblings, destroy them or donate them to medical research. This is a standard procedure that they regularly go through.

At this point I don't see why you shouldn't fertilise the rest of eggs with your partner's sperm, if that's what you want/can afford, and see how many viable embryos you get. Then you can review your situation with that number. Hopefully you'll get as many as possible, but you might not get any at all - at least, then you have more information at your hand to decide your next move.

As an aside with regards to the embryo quality; I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant with my last embryo which was 3BC (all other higher quality embryos had failed to stick) - as they always say, if they were good enough to be frozen, they all have a good chance. But I'm sure you know that already!

Just to be clear I'm not trying to vouch for any one particular choice - I hope you reach a decision that makes you happy & wishing you all the best, whatever you decide xxx

[ToffeeLou in reply to jinis]

Hi Jinis, thanks so much for your reply. I spoke to the clinic and they’ve been great. I have 4 more eggs with the original donor which we can fertilise with my partner’s sperm. Now we just have to do all of the samples and have a call with the psychologist. But they’re being lovely and even saying that they’re looking forward to meeting him. I’d given up the dream of having a family with someone but now it looks like that might actually become a reality 🙏

[Twiglet2]

your boyfriend can essentially just be treated as a donor ie you could have a friend etc donate if you wanted if they do have any restrictions on what they class as a relationship (for example my clinic class it as living together 2 years) so as long as you aren’t seeking funding it’s really up to you what sperm fertilises your eggs 🤗 then you can chose which embryo to put back at that stage xx