I'm so scared to do a pregnancy test post Transfer....words of encouragement??

[magda22]

Hi all you warriors,

I could use some help or words of advice, because I know people here understand the difficulties of a fertility journey like no one else

I had embryo transfer 9 days ago, my test day is Saturday. My clinic advises not to test at home, though obviously you can if you want to. As I get closer to the day, I feel so nervous, worried, anxious. It's so huge for me - the biggest moment of my life, there won't be anymore biological chances for me. I think I could probably get an accurate test reading now, if I wanted, but I don't feel ready to face the outcome. I'm finally going to get an answer (after a 6 year journey - story below), and it might not be the one I want. I don't know what I'll feel and that feels terrifying. I don't know how to face up to this final truth. It's pretty intense!

I'm wondering if I do a home test the night before or even the morning of my clinic's test so I can process the results a bit alone before they confirm.

My mad story - This embryo was made 5.5years ago, when I was 37, and has been in the freezer, waiting for the time I could move onto FET stage. I'm 43 now, and physically in menopause (20months since my last period), so this is my last shot at biological motherhood. That was the only embryo I got from 4 cycles. It was an 8 cell grade 1, day 3 embryo and it thawed 100% so as it was a quality embryo with a good chance. I have been holding onto this hope for over 5 years.

The reason it has taken me so long to get to FET was a combination of personal factors - the end of a relationship, grieving that relationship and my declining fertility, saving money for treatment (it was discovered I would need immune treatment for the transfer), buying a house, changing and ever uncertain career, etc. There's been a lot. And doctors assured me, once an embryo is frozen it doesn't matter waiting some years. So I put it off until I was in a better position to cope with being a single parent, but it has always been at the back of my mind and part of how I made all my plans. It's fair to say I have been quite stuck not being able to move on until now. I finally felt ready to take this step this year and recognised how being in limbo has been holding me back from fully engaging in life.

During this 2ww I've oscillated between thinking 'Not a chance this could work' to imagining it working and all the joy that would bring. I've done my best to stay open and optimistic while allowing the waves of doubt and emotion to pass through.

The result will take my life in one of two directions, it feels huge either way. I am scared of the grief waiting for me if it fails.

I've come this far, and I'm about to take the final push. I know it's down to nature and luck now and I've done so much to try to make it work out.How on earth do I cope with this pressure, get myself ready for this moment, find the courage to face up to it, etc?

[Anxiousintrovert]

just wanted to say that I’m keeping everything crossed for you. The way you’ve described not wanting to test is exactly how I felt each time too. Best of luck for Saturday x

[magda22 in reply to Anxiousintrovert]

Thanks love. Yes it is definitely full on and intense. Writing all that out to share it did feel cathartic and got me a step closer! And I bought a pregnancy test today, so that's a big step for me too. Thanks for the good wishes and understanding x

[Asha82]

Hi! I wish you the best of luck, I hope you get the bfp you deserve

[magda22 in reply to Asha82]

Thanks Asha, all love and luck to you too x

[Asha82 in reply to magda22]

Thank you x

[polykleitos]

good luck 🍀 I’m rooting for you. And sending you lots of love and calming vibes xxx

[magda22 in reply to polykleitos]

Thanks so much, gratefully received

[Twiglet2]

fingers crossed for you!! What a journey 🤗 I would definitely take my own test first or even in between getting the blood test and getting the results (assuming you get bloods drawn and then go home tk wait on a call?) so you can process it a bit yourself first and then Clinic can confirm. Xx

[magda22 in reply to Twiglet2]

Thanks Twiglet, yes that's what I'm thinking. It feels like the easiest way to pace it. I've bought a pregnancy test just now and even planned what cafe to walk to near the clinic to to do it 😅. Thanks for the support xx

[Citizenerased83]

Sending you all the baby dust in the world and hope you get a positive pregnancy test result. You've been through so much already so I hope it's your turn. Be gentle on yourself xx

[magda22 in reply to Citizenerased83]

Thanks lovely, yes so many of us go through so much to try to get the result we want. And it's all so fragile and down to chance (after amazing doctors, of course). I was thinking about how this microscopic ball of cells has such a mega impact on my life journey! I guess that's the magic of creating life. Thanks for the baby dust we live with hope xx

[IchigoKeikaku]

I have everything crossed for you to have your dream baby magda22. I felt everything reading your post x

[Cica22]

Wishing you lots of luck magda22! 🍀💕