Feeling lost

[lmno]

hello, looking for some advice on how to make decisions about whether to stop or continue treatment. We have done 4 full rounds of IVF (3 of them ICSI after first round ended in zero fertilisation). First fresh transfer BFN, first FET ended in missed miscarriage, second FET resulting in my daughter who is now 2.5yrs. We’re so grateful for her but for the past 18 months I have been consumed by a desire for a second that has taken me by surprise. I thought it would be easier to deal with failed cycles following a success but it really hasn’t been. We’ve done two full cycles in the past 9 months in the hopes of another miracle, but both ended up with only one viable embryo (fresh BFN, frozen chemical). Previously after failed cycles I’ve always known very quickly I want to do more, but this time round I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. We’ve been dealing with infertility and IVF for over 7 years and recently I’ve become so angry about the impact of it all on our lives (finances, sex life, career decisions, not being able to plan the future, living with seemingly never ending cycles of hope/anxiety/grief). Part of me just doesn’t know if we can keep going, but there’s another part of me that doesn’t know how to stop hoping and fighting for the family we want. My in laws have very kindly offered to pay for another round but even with that I’m not sure if I can do it anymore. I don’t want to live with regret of not trying when we have the chance, but I also wonder if we’ve sacrificed too much already? It’s worth it if it works but what if it doesn’t? I’ve been so used to persevering and picking myself back up and trying again that I almost don’t know how/if to stop. For context I’m 37 with an AMH of 3.3. We were told last year our chances of success are only 10-15%. We have a follow up appointment next week. Anyone any words of wisdom?

[JA-fnuk Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Difficult decision to make You have done so well- deserve a pat on your back for your wonderful daughter Take some time out to regroup yourself May be try some counselling to see if that helps you make your decision Do not me to hard on yourself

Take care of yourself

Janet

[Nenad]

hi there, sorry you’re going through this. I can empathise as I’ve been trying for a second for many years now.

Listen, people are different but with your age (I.e. under 40), I’d personally give it a little break to see whether nature has a little surprise for you. Say it doesn’t then you can see how you’re feeling a couple of months after. I think a little break helps you physically and mentally, giving you the headspace you need to make a decision. All the best to you xx

[Twiglet2]

hi 👋🏼 gosh this one hits home and is almost identical to our IVF journey! After a fresh chemical (with none to freeze) just before Christmas I felt the exact same- spoke with consultant (who was pretty blunt tbh) and gave myself a couple of months in between (usually straight away I know what I want and keen to get on with it) and I do feel ready to go again now for cycle 4 but I’m determined to not let it impact the life we have now this time. My goodness do I just want to get on with enjoying my wee family of 3 sometimes, after being on the ‘treatment’ train since 2016, but I still feel too much push to try for all 3 of our sakes at least one more time for a sibling. I also realised that it’s okay if it doesn’t work (my wee guy will be fine as an only child/there’s other options etc) and that’s taken some of the pressure off thankfully- although defo still very anxious as I’ve just turned 41 so I know my eggs are on the decline but it only takes that one wee miracle as we both know 🤗 maybe some time will help this time? Xx

[PagingMom]

I'd say keep trying. You might regret it if your didn't. You're still under 40 so you have better chances. It's is also nice of your in laws to offer to pay for your next cycle. And I assume your husband is supportive as well? You don't have to try right away. You can give yourself a few months of rest. And maybe more DTD with your husband to recover lost intimacies?

[minnesota_girl]

Hi Imno, I'm so sorry you're feeling lost. I've definitely felt the same over the years - I've done 5 cycles of IVF - the last two donor due to my own circumstances (over 40, low egg quality, etc).

My best advice is to pause before deciding - it sounds like you've had two rounds within the last year and I know between my 4th and 5th cycle I took nearly a year break - I know we always feel like time is running away from us, but part of that feeling is the anxiety when you're in the midst of still mentally processing a failed cycle.

I can only say, for me, that pausing until it became more clear helped me decide how I wanted to proceed. I spent time with myself, with my husband, and within about 6 months I realised I was starting to open my mind to another cycle, and donor eggs etc etc. My mind told me when I was ready. And I am nearly 6 years older than you.

You've been through a lot - and I think sometimes we forget we need time to process and cling to life outside IVF for a little while to centre ourselves again xx

I wish you all the best!

[Positive20]

Hi I’m so sorry to hear of your story, I felt in such a similar position when we had multiple attempts at IVF that weren’t successful including a miscarriage at 6 weeks. I wanted to go down the adoption route and was 100% ready for this - the IVF treatment had completely drained and ruined me. Unfortunately my husband wasn’t ready for adoption and it put me in a very difficult dilemma. I decided to have one more go knowing I wasn’t doing anymore after that (I couldn’t mentally or physically keep doing it). Luckily our last attempt did work by some miracle but there’s no right or wrong answer to this one.

If it’s a chapter you can close with no regrets then close the chapter if you are ready, if you know you will always wish and wonder then have that last go and see what happens xx